Is My Wife Cheating On?

[mla]

Never thought I would be in this place in life-wondering if I am reading too much into what has happened in the past week. I am open to thoughts on whether she is cheating on me and what I should do if she is. And I know this may be a strange place to get advice but at times I have seen great stuff. I will keep it simple for now.

Our mobile bill is always about the same, and I never have had reason in many years of marriage to check her calls or text messages. So the bill came and there was $20 worth of extra charges just for text messages. I figured there must be a mistake and looked at the details. I found she was like 200 over her monthly limit of 500 when she has never been over before. I asked her and she just said she thought it was unlimited. That stopped me for a bit, then I logged in to see where the extra stuff was from.

There were well over 250 between her and a number I didn't recognize. I asked her, thinking there would be a logical answer I was missing...still wasn't suspicious. She replied very directly with the name of a male co-worker, saying he was her texting buddy, like that explained it all. She said she had needed somebody who understood everything going on at their work and asked if I had a problem with that. I said I didn't know and we dropped it.

Over the last couple of days, I looked more closely and found it has gone on in somewhat lower volume for several months. Our carrier doesn't show detail on texts older than three months, other than number of texts made, but what I can see is revealing in a scary way.

And oddly appealing in a weird way. I have read lots of stories here over the years in different categories and like so many men am sometimes attracted to the cheating wife genre...but never seriously past the material for jacking off. But not like this.

Anyway, there is a distinct pattern where texts start when I leave the house or when she leaves for work. And there have been a couple of dozen picture messages in the last couple of months, both ways.

I decided to check her phone when I had time the following morning and found their texts had been almost totally deleted. I say almost because it looked like she had missed some from months ago. In the brief time I had, that string included a G-rated picture he sent of his legs, bare from upper thigh down, where he explained his leg was "fat." I think he had a minor knee procedure and was showing the minor swelling and was off work healing. She responded something like "Whistle, whistle," and asked if he wanted her to bring a Starbucks by. He said yes.

That thread was gone by this morning, and she said she was deleting her text messages because her phone is slow.

I haven't said anything, not knowing what to say and afraid anything I say could make it worse if nothing is happening or accidentally push our marriage over the edge if I let her know what I have figured out.

Oh, and I think he is married but am not sure.

I am not sure what else to add for now.

 

[tchrgrl24]

If she isn't yet, she's considering it. This is what i do to get rid of my phone evidence.

 

[loquere]

It sounds suspicious!

Look here's what you need to do. 1. Hire a PI.

Book meetings with all the top divorce lawyers in your area. Not saying divorce her, but just incase you want to form a conflict, so she dosent choice picks.

 

[newbieBC]

Hi, I had almost exactly the same situation. I had some fantasies along the line of her having a boyfriend, but they were scenarios where I was involved. I had even shared my fantasy with her, and we joked about her having a "boyfriend".

I travel a lot, so one night when I got home, and found a teasing email from an ex-boyfriend and co-worker it had my heart almost pounding out of my chest. Reading the email chain showed that she had actually deleted the previous messages, but had fallen asleep and did not anticipate his reply. The email content was sexy, suggestive and usually boring.

So the possibility of her having an actual affair, and behind my back was a confusing time emotionally. I printed off the email, and forwarded it to myself, but agonized as she slept about deleting the evidence. I decided to delete it and set up a routine to forward any of his emails to me.

The next few weeks as my blackberry would alert me to an incoming message I would have the same tension. However, despite a pretty frequent exchange of messages, and some teasing and sexual content, I eventually realized nothing was happening.

So, its it possible something happened? Maybe, but I eventually stopped focusing on the emails, and focused on her. And we still tease about her "boyfriend"...

 

[mla]

I wouldn't hire a PI...no fault state if it comes to divorce.

We have all read lots of stories where the husband gets aroused when he gets proof. I didn't think that was real, but I am finding I was wrong. I get hard imagining them together or thinking the exchanged pictures were X-rated. All while not getting sleep and being pissed and confused.

How about seeing him at a sporting event he and I were both invited to without wives & finding later they messaged each other from when I left home until i left for home? We drank a beer together in a big group (I hardly know him) and even talked a little. I feel stupid and like I am in a bad story.

 

[DarkPleasures]

If you're really looking for advice, and are not telling a lil' jack off story, the best advice is to simply talk to your wife. Ask her if she is cheating on you. If you don't believe her answer let her know of the "evidence" you've found.

 

[njlauren]

One of the things about cheating is that it isn't always about sex. It is obvious she is texting this guy a lot, and it started happening suddenly, and that isn't normal. If your wife had texted a lot to girlfriends and other people, it might not be suspicious, but this is. Deleting text messages like that is suspicious as well, claiming she is doing it because the messages 'slow down the phone' smells to me.

What would really worry me is even if she is not cheating in terms of sex is emotional cheating, it is when a spouse starts talking to someone about intimate details you should be talking about with your spouse; then you end up with a situation where a jerk who wants to get into her pants listens to her frustrations then starts playing them against the spouse......

Are there other any other signs? Is she working late more frequently then normal, 'late night meetings', 'nights out with the girls', etc? It could be innocent, but when you say he is sending pictures, that bothers me, even if it is G rated. I have to be honest, even if she is just flirting, her secretiveness tells me it is a lot more then she is letting on, this isn't normal interaction with a coworker. The fact that she does it when you aren't around, the fact that she deletes the messages and she is doing so many, tells me this is not about work but rather that she is at the very least, seriously considering cheating with him.

If she has a smartphone, there are hidden apps you can install that forward copies of text messages to an e-mail, so you can see what they are texting.

If this is bothering you, if it is worrying you or making you lose sleep, then the reason to see a PI isn't for divorce court, it is to find out the truth. If this is just your wife acting like a teenage girl, flirting and texting , it might be irritating and you may want to talk to her about it, that it bothers you, but if it is more serious you need to know I think. Confronting her without proof prob won't do much, she more then likely would feign mock anger, complain you don't trust her, etc, and try to make you feel badly about it, even if she was cheating.

I wish you luck. It might be a bit of a turn on, but I suspect you are going to find that turns into resentment and anger over time by being excluded and such.

 

[amofiga]

mla

From what you posted, I'd say that there is a high probability that your wife is cheating on you, or very close to it. It also depends on what you call cheating. She may or may not actually be having sex with this person, but it's certainly at least an emotional level of cheating. A person who has a legitimate platonic friend of the opposite sex doesn't go out of their way to hide and delete messages or contacts. I also believe strongly in that old line from "When Harry Met Sally" that said something like, "men and women can't have true platonic relationships because the thought of sex is going to get in the no matter what and it doesn't take much for one or the other or both to want to act on it." I've been there, done that, and it nearly ended my marriage.

You say that a PI and lawyer wouldn't do much good because you live in a "no fault state" with respect to divorce, but getting hold of a PI and lawyer wouldn't hurt at least to make sure you have a true story before you do anything else. Don't rely on just phone text messages and don't look for her "working late" or "visiting sick friends". My messing around was done during long lunch hours so I was always home on time and not "out with the guys". Whether or not your wife is cheating, her actions indicate that there is some level of unrest in your marriage that makes her want to seek and enjoy the attention of another man. If you don't want your marriage to take a bad turn, it's going to be important that you uncover the reasons for her actions and determine if this is just a short-term fantasy she's acting out (as it was for me) or someting that is deep seated and might undermine the long term viability of the marriage. Then it's going to be up to both of you to decide where to go from there and there are many options, some should be agreeable to both of you and some may not. I know someone whose wife wanted to get her own apartment in the city "to be closer to her job" and just come home on weekends. I think that falls into the "not" category.

You didn't say how long you've been married or if there are kids involved. That could make a big difference in your subsequent actions. You said you think the other guy is married which is a possible sign that he's just playing around and not out to wreck your marriage. If he is married, it could be a strong influence to get him to end things rather than risk his own marriage. Most guys who are having affairs are just looking for some "strange" and not wanting to blow up either their own marriages or those of their affair partners.

Perhaps your wife is just a little curious about some things or enjoying the erotic kick of a boyfriend. Perhaps it could run out of steam in a few months. Most affairs usually do unless there is a serious problem in the marriage(s). The thing is, once a person "gets away" with an affair and sees how easy it is, they're ready to launch into another, which was my unfortunate issue. Eventually, somebody finds out. Then everybody finds out, and then you're forced into making some serious decisions in the open rather than in private....(see also Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, etc). It's much easier to deal with sensitive personal issues in private. Knowing the truth with solid evidence in hand will help to make sure something is resolved. Otherwise, it's just your word against her's and a lot of "you don't trust me" sorts of accusations. Good luck.

 

[mla]

The last two response have been especially thoughtful and give me much to think about. In response to where my wife and I are in life, we have been married over twenty years, our kids are grown and on their own and there is a gap of several years in our ages (I am older).

Our brains are so odd. Anybody who reads other posts can see I haven't been perfect over the years. So, after thinking all this time that she is "perfect" and wouldn't be tempted to cheat or wouldn't act on it, part of this makes me feel that if she is cheating, at least we wouldn't end things with me being the guilty one.

All of you who have had relationship challenges know what I mean when I say guilty one. That is the person who, at the end of the relationship, does something that everybody finds out, making that person seem responsible for the entire failure. We know that in the vast majority of relationships that both are equally responsible in their own way. I have always been able to look at this at a distance without emotional involvement before. Different now.

Gotta stop checking our account for her text history every ten minutes....gonna be less obsessive and check less often....every twelve minutes seems more mature. Ok, fifteen. Kidding....sort of.

 

[njlauren]

mla-

If you aren't perfect and then you find out your wife is cheating, that might be grounds for keeping the marriage alive, if it comes to that. Even if this becomes public, you could still forgive her if you wanted to.
I think it is one of the reasons it is important to know, because other than that it is guesswork and supposition and when it comes to things like this it is better to know IMO, the not knowing sucks. My other suggestion is to think about what you want, if you are dissatisfied with your marriage, for example, then this might be the impetus to either work actively with your wife to make it work or pull out. "Opportunities" like this open many windows (to which a complete smart assed friend of mine would say "Yeah, and it seems like the window you chose is the one that is 10 stories up without a net") and it could end up once you know being the catalyst for change for positive, not necessarily negative.

There is another old observation, that people who have had less then perfect pasts often are able to spot issues happening faster then other people, so a spouse who has cheated themselves generally suspects something pretty early on, because they have been there and done that. The only thing I would recommend is whatever you want to do, decide to do, try not to turn it into a guilt game or a blame game,if your wife did something you can't forgive try to recognize that she is human as you apparently were..easier said then done, of course....... I had something like that in my own life, not around what you are facing, but an issue of trust and of feeling betrayed (if you want details, feel free to pm me) where basically it was easier to forgive because of my own blame in that area...

 

[mla]

After almost two weeks, we talked last night. Mixed results but things didn't break down. No obvious lies came up, but she basically says he is just a friend from work and seems proud (maybe too strong a word) of herself. It winds up that he is married and my wife says she doesn't think his wife knows of the friendship.

I still have to process this more.

 

[SweetErika]

After almost two weeks, we talked last night. Mixed results but things didn't break down. No obvious lies came up, but she basically says he is just a friend from work and seems proud (maybe too strong a word) of herself. It winds up that he is married and my wife says she doesn't think his wife knows of the friendship.

I still have to process this more.

Not good. If it's an innocent platonic friendship, why wouldn't his wife know? Why wouldn't she have told you about it in the first place?

Plus, it seems you're assuming she's lying to you, or at the very least, you're not trusting her completely.

I'd suggest processing this with the help of a great therapist. If your wife won't go with you, that's another red flag, and you definitely should still go on your own.

 

[mla]

Thanks Erika. She said his wife "probably" doesn't know. She also asked if I was refusing her this friendship. I told her I wouldn't do that because at best it would seem like I am running her life. At worst, if they are having an affair, it would drive them to find another way.

Trust? I have always trusted her faithfulness, even though we have always had the issue that men seem to make friends with her more easily than women. This is just so much different from everything in our past...secret texting, phone calls (yes, she left me yesterday for some appointments and I found that as soon as she left, she had a 20 minute phone call with him) When we talked about it last night, she just said it was because they haven't seen each other in several days at work.

And no, I have never tracked any of her phone calls, texts or emails. I know it seems like i must be that kind of man. Until our mobile company emailed me to let me know our bill was 50% over our text limit, I hadn't checked it in maybe a year. It pays automatically and I I don't look at anything but the total.

So, she is gone on a family visit out of the area for a week, and I know I won't be able to resist checking the mobile activity periodically. She asked if I was going to keep checking. I said I probably would be until I have some confidence one way Orr the other.

All of you who have provided advice are much appreciated. I welcome private messages.

 

[njlauren]

After almost two weeks, we talked last night. Mixed results but things didn't break down. No obvious lies came up, but she basically says he is just a friend from work and seems proud (maybe too strong a word) of herself. It winds up that he is married and my wife says she doesn't think his wife knows of the friendship.

I still have to process this more.

I think there is something going on there, it may be platonic in terms of they may not have had sex, but it is suspicious. The fact that she is deleting the messages and that his wife doesn't know means this is probably something he doesn't want her to know about. It could be they are acting like teenagers and texting or sharing fantasies or whatever, but it doesn't sound good. Without being there and reading her face I cannot tell, but if she seemed "proud of herself" or slightly smug it could be a sign she thinks she is pulling one over on you. You can check her texting and see what is going on, and if she is exchanging a lot of texts or calls with this guy still that is a red flag. Even colleagues who work closely together don't text like a couple of teen BFF's.. Like I said there is software apps out there you could install stealth on her phone (if it is a smartphone) that would send a copy of all texts to your e-mail, but that may be difficult.

Keep in mind that women are usually a lot smarter then men at covering up cheating (and those aren't my words alone, there was an article on women cheating on the Huffington Post about women and infidelity), and it pretty much said that, that women tend to cheat doing long lunches and such. If it is really bothering you, find a PI and have them check your wife out and her possible beau, see if they see anything untoward, like taking long lunches or whatever. The other thing is it could be emotional cheating only right now, but it is more then likely if they are doing the emotional dance they will move to a different level at some point, so if a PI doesn't turn up anything this time, wait a bit, and if you sense something has changed, go that route again.

It obviously is bothering you, and one of the most cruel aspects of infidelity IMO that the party cheating doesn't think about is how uncomfortable it is when the suspicion starts for the mate, it is almost more cruel then the cheating IMO.

 

[Nitely]

Bah Humbug

Personally I think you're blowing smoke up our ass...

 

[mla]

Nicely, I think if I were, I would be providing more sex details....not opposed to that if I get more decent responses, but this is real. I am leaving out personal details in case this somehow identifies me in a way I am not yet anticipating. If it helps you, she is hot and nobody believes she is within ten years of her real age.

 

[mla]

Lol....Nitely.....not Nicely....damn keyboard.

 

[JasonDaniel]

Come on MLA, you’re not that naive. Went on a family visit for a week; yeah, right. Better check with a lawyer while she is gone; you’re on your way to divorce court.

 

[SithLord13]

Should go tell the other guy's wife what he is doing.

 

[mla]

Jason, I didn't provide all the detail here on the trip to keep some privacy but unless she met him on the way there or has a plan for the day she returns, it is probably safe.

Sith lord, funny you should mention that. My brain is so whacked out I considered that today when I got a missed mobile call. I called it back, and the receptionist at a large nursing home answered and couldn't help me. I know nobody there, but the place is within 15 minutes of their home, and my wife told me his wife is a nurse. I got home and asked her directly. She said she has no idea where his wife is a nurse and said she couldn't imagine why his wife would call or how she would have my mobile number. All good points but then she said that if I got such a call, I should just tell her our spouses are work friends. Equal parts of paranoia mixed with realistic suspicion.

 

[JasonDaniel]

Going to see family in another town is the oldest cover story in the book when a woman is having an affair. She goes to see family in the daytime, and fucks her boyfriend at night; all away from the watchful eye of her husband.

 

[JasonDaniel]

Don’t look for where your wife is during that week; look for where her boyfriend is. You will probably find that he has taken a vacation from work that week too.

 

[mla]

Jason, you just pushed the cuckold button in my head. Gotta admit that I wouldn't be seeking advice at Literotica of I didnt have some attraction to kink....doesn't mean I expected it to happen.

I actually considered asking her if she would fuck him if I gave permission. I stopped, when I noticed the thought was getting me hard. Plus, she would probably call me a pervert and tell me to go to hell.

 

[JasonDaniel]

Jason, you just pushed the cuckold button in my head.

Now, that puts a different light on things. If you play your cards right, you could turn disaster into opportunity. If you want to be cuckold, don’t say anything to her at all, just use the opportunities to let this marriage evolve into a cuckold relationship naturally. If you are serious about being cuckold, you do need to find out if she is really fucking this guy without her knowing, then use the opportunities to turn it into what you want.

 

[pplwatching]

she basically says he is just a friend from work and seems proud (maybe too strong a word) of herself. It winds up that he is married and my wife says she doesn't think his wife knows of the friendship.

People tend to draw different lines in the sand with respect to opposite gender friendships. My wife and I encourage each other to make friends of either gender. I know other couples for whom opposite gender friendships are strictly off limits. Usually I find that it's a mixed bag. I find that when spouses have differing views there can be resentment, which just seems to lead to clandestine friendships. Hiding a friendship from a jealous spouse can look a lot like hiding an affair.

I think it was Ronald Raegan who made the saying, "Trust, but verify." famous. I think that it boils down to whether or not you have any reason not to trust your wife. If you have open communication, have good non sexual intimacy, good sexual intimacy, and know that you are meeting her emotional needs then you can rest easier. The odds of an affair drop considerably when you are meeting each others needs. If you are feeling emotionally or sexually disconnected from her, then you have more reason to be concerned. I don't think "verify" means hiring a P.I. What is your intuition telling you? Have you noticed behaviour such as a sudden change in dress, makeup, or perfume that might indicate an affair? Does she seem less connected to you? You mentioned that the texting and phone calls are new to you. It would seem reasonable to tell her that you care about your marriage, and that since these kinds of things can be precursors to an affair that you're naturally concerned that you might not be meeting her needs in your marriage. Let her know that if that's the case, that you would like her to take the time with you to fix that. Ask her to consider that while she may not be at risk of an affair, is her co-worker?

I am not a jealous man, and I trust my wife. If I were in your shoes I would tell her that I do trust her, but that her friendship has made me aware that we are perhaps not as connected as we could ans should be, and that I would love to work on making our marriage deeper and more intimate. I'd let her know that this is a great time to look at our marriage and see if there's anything missing, so that she can feel comfortable having her friend and that I can feel comfortable that he's not a threat to my marriage. Win / Win.

If after looking at the big picture you are willing to give your wife the benefit of the doubt, yet would prefer that her friendship be completely above board then a starting place might be to tell her exactly that. Let her know that you're okay with the friendship as long as she's friend's with the wife too, and perhaps even offer to befriend the couple. My wife has always told me when she's meeting a friend for any reason, and when I have met spouses it's very clear that they know who she is (and who I am). I think that this kind of transparency helps keep jealousy from rearing it's ugly head.

I think it's also reasonable to discuss what she feels are appropriate topics to discuss in the friendship, and ask that she bring emotional concerns to you first. You might also ask her to consider the other wife's feelings, "How would you feel if I were having twenty minute phone calls and lots of texts with a woman you knew nothing about?"