Sometimes something just barges in...

[EllieTalbot]

And leaves you feeling so inadequate.

So my neighbor and friend just knocked on my door - he just got news that someone in his family died. Someone his age, who he was close to. Massive heart attack. Sudden. He's flying outside this weekend for the funeral and will have to spend his whole check.

He's a wreck. I tried, but he just wandered away back to his place crying about how come he's still alive, when this other person who died had lived better than he did. Why was he still kicking when this other guy was dead? "What does God see in me?" he lamented.

Wrong time to say, "There is no God," of course, so there was none of that.

But wtf do you say?

Woeful on Lake Woebegone,
Ellie

 

[Saint Peter]

"He is asking the same question."

 

[klingle]

In truth, there is nothing to say.

 

[Bidin~Time]

There is nothing adequate that can be said. You listened; that's all any of us can do.

 

[omgitselaine]

" Conolences and I'm very sorry for your lost "

 

[DevilishTexan]

Just goes to prove live your life on your terms. If the scythe takes you, least you'll go happily.

 

[Fala]

And leaves you feeling so inadequate.

So my neighbor and friend just knocked on my door - he just got news that someone in his family died. Someone his age, who he was close to. Massive heart attack. Sudden. He's flying outside this weekend for the funeral and will have to spend his whole check.

He's a wreck. I tried, but he just wandered away back to his place crying about how come he's still alive, when this other person who died had lived better than he did. Why was he still kicking when this other guy was dead? "What does God see in me?" he lamented.

Wrong time to say, "There is no God," of course, so there was none of that.

But wtf do you say?

Woeful on Lake Woebegone,
Ellie

"I'm sorry for your loss". And a hug.

What else can you do?

 

[BoyNextDoor]

You say "Tell me your favorite memory of him. I'd love to get to know him through you. Just seeing how distraught you are makes me think he was a great guy"

And let the guy unload some grief in the form of offering a remembrance.

 

[klingle]

"I'm sorry for your loss". And a hug.

What else can you do?

Well...

 

[run_silent]

But wtf do you say?

Woeful on Lake Woebegone,
Ellie

At first you cry because it still feels like they are still here. Then you stop crying because you realize they are still here.

 

[BoyNextDoor]

At first you cry because it still feels like they are still here. Then you stop crying because you realize they are still here.

They are?

 

[run_silent]

They are?

Yes, they are. They are all around you. Helping you and helping you go on.

 

[EllieTalbot]

You say "Tell me your favorite memory of him. I'd love to get to know him through you. Just seeing how distraught you are makes me think he was a great guy"

And let the guy unload some grief in the form of offering a remembrance.

Thar be some constructive, insightful advice.

Trying it in Tremonton (after my friend has had some needed time to himself),
Ellie

 

[Peregrinator]

You say "Tell me your favorite memory of him. I'd love to get to know him through you. Just seeing how distraught you are makes me think he was a great guy"

And let the guy unload some grief in the form of offering a remembrance.

Yes, this, or some variant of it. "Tell me about your ____" is one of my go-to responses in these situations, and it's for more or less the same reason. Who was this, and what did s/he mean to you? Why was s/he special? Sometimes sharing those things is therapeutic to the survivors. Sometimes it just fills an awkward space and lets the survivor know you're there and and you care and are paying attention.

 

[EllieTalbot]

"He is asking the same question."

I lol'd, big time.

"I'm sorry for your loss". And a hug.

What else can you do?

*nod nod* That was the "I tried" part. I just couldn't help feeling sort of blindsided - like if I had a moment to think I would've been able to do more.

You say "Tell me your favorite memory of him. I'd love to get to know him through you. Just seeing how distraught you are makes me think he was a great guy"

And let the guy unload some grief in the form of offering a remembrance.

Yes, this, or some variant of it. "Tell me about your ____" is one of my go-to responses in these situations, and it's for more or less the same reason. Who was this, and what did s/he mean to you? Why was s/he special? Sometimes sharing those things is therapeutic to the survivors. Sometimes it just fills an awkward space and lets the survivor know you're there and and you care and are paying attention.

Thar be some constructive, insightful advice.

Trying it in Tremonton...

And it worked. We ended up having a good talk that turned into a mini-celebration of this guy's life, and my friend was in good spirits by the end of the evening.

Thanks, fellas. I'll remember this thread the next time I'm wondering what in the heck keeps me coming back to the GB.

Grateful in Guyana,
Ellie