How to finish bucket list fantasies before I die?

[mike2010fc]

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[Noira]

You live once.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you seem so sexually incompatible with? You have a fetish which is a need... she doesn't. And likewise, she has a fetish that is a need... and you don't.

She might not be able to be to you what you want her to be.

I'm going to try to open up with her, and ask her to do at least something on my bucket list, so I can get it out of my mind and get back to living. But it may mean the end of our relationship, and I'll have wasted 5 years of her life, and possibly her last chance to have children.

But all I have to do is wonder what it is that's so bad it might end your relationship. I say ask, because this is important to you and relationships are a two way street. Fantasies aren't always just to be 'for you alone'.

Do you want to fall off that cliff?

I felt a bit oddly sympathetic to your post because it resonates in a part of my mind. I haven't found that person who'll ask me questions and not recoil when I also ask. I suppose we starving artists are destined to be lonely types who spend the nights late with a bottle of wine instead of painting the sky with love.

 

[Cattypuss]

To the OP: I felt increasingly sad reading your (very articulate and expressive) post.

Seems to me that all you're looking for is a woman with whom you can share (a) love and (b) natural emotional and physical intimacy and (c) a healthy, relaxed, open*** sex life.

That is not actually a big ask. There are tons of women in the world with whom you could have all three. So why, when you're still a young man, would you consign yourself to a lifetime with a woman who is only prepared to (or maybe even able to) share (a) with you, leaving you wanting (b) and (c) for the rest of your life?

Why settle?


(*** edited to add, lest there be any confusion - by "open" I mean openness between two people; not anything poly or swingerish!)

 

[Ellafun]

I was with somewhere around 100 women before her but I lost track in college

Do I know you??

The problem is, she wants me to step up and be more of the traditional man, like Don Draper on Mad Men before she'll have sex. A date, flowers, a card, then we do it and go to bed.

And you won't do this for her because.......

My fantasies are deeply unfulfilled.

Yes, you are a male who has been exposed to pornography, and thinks there's more to sex than just mating and child production. Like most of the men on the internet...

It's gotten to the point where I think of myself as an old man on his death bed. What would I have liked to have done in this life?


I get this. I really do. The reality is you're either committed to the relationship, or you're not.

But how do I explain something like that? There are just too many damn rules.

Well, you just did a damn good job explaining it to us, so...


I want a woman to bring me to orgasm with just her vaginal muscles. I want to ask her what my fingers feel like inside her, and really explain it to me, put me where she wants me, tell me which spots feel good, squeeze me inside of her. Heck I'd like to progress to tantra and who knows, fisting or something crazy, as much for her experience as for mine, but I've kind of given up on that one.

You "want" a porn star. You're expectations are pretty freaking high. Seriously.


I've never told her any of this, she just thinks I'm a standard vanilla guy.

Bingo. Have you thought about letting her read this letter, just for starters??


But I'm dying inside, I guess that's why I'm on lit. We're going to cross a threshold soon where she'll only let me have sex with her if we don't use protection. Writing this all out now, I can see that I'm headed over the edge of a cliff.

Okay, now you're just being overly dramatic.

I'm going to try to open up with her, and ask her to do at least something on my bucket list, so I can get it out of my mind and get back to living. But it may mean the end of our relationship, and I'll have wasted 5 years of her life, and possibly her last chance to have children.

TALK TO HER. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

In all seriousness, I don't mean to sound callous (and I know that's how I sound here) but you need to talk to her, tell her how you feel, what you want, what you think you NEED before you throw away a relationship that seems to be loving and caring in a way you also need.

And yes, dammit, you sound like a whiny, spoiled little brat who fucked dozens of women and is still complaining. There is a "how dare you" lingering at the back of my mind...but I won't say that, because I had a similar experience in college, and still have (lots of) things on my sexual bucket list that I want to do. I am working on that with my husband on an ongoing basis, and we do that exploration together. After 23 years, it has made our relationship stronger and more fun, and even though I have lots of filthy conversations with my friends here on Lit, he benefits from those conversations.

Okay, rant over...Please don't think I know it all, I just think you should really sit down and talk to her...or, do like I do with my husband: write it out, and let her read what you wrote. At this point you need to look at the "what's the worst that could happen?" list...

good luck.

 

[Cattypuss]

I want a woman to bring me to orgasm with just her vaginal muscles. I want to ask her what my fingers feel like inside her, and really explain it to me, put me where she wants me, tell me which spots feel good, squeeze me inside of her. Heck I'd like to progress to tantra and who knows, fisting or something crazy, as much for her experience as for mine, but I've kind of given up on that one.

You "want" a porn star. You're expectations are pretty freaking high. Seriously.

Seriously? Seriously?

Apart from the bringing him to orgasm with her vaginal muscles (which would I think be quite a party trick), everything he has listed comes under "normal mutual sexual exploration" for me. Seriously. Why on earth would anyone want to have a sexual partner and not explore their sexual feelings and their bodies together?

I'm sorry but this is NOT porn-star stuff. This is stuff that comes under the heading of that "openness" that I mentioned in my earlier post. And it is not unusual.

 

[Cattypuss]

The problem is, she wants me to step up and be more of the traditional man, like Don Draper on Mad Men before she'll have sex. A date, flowers, a card, then we do it and go to bed.

And you won't do this for her because.......

I love it when my man does this kind of thing for me but Jaysus it has nothing to do with sex. I have sex with him because I am attacted to him and I love him and we make each other feel good in bed. Not because of him following trite conventional "pay the woman before she''ll let you fuck her" mores. Or even "court the woman before she'll let you fuck her".

Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy, mutually open relationship.

 

[Ellafun]

Seriously? Seriously?

Apart from the bringing him to orgasm with her vaginal muscles (which would I think be quite a party trick), everything he has listed comes under "normal mutual sexual exploration" for me. Seriously. Why on earth would anyone want to have a sexual partner and not explore their sexual feelings and their bodies together?

I'm sorry but this is NOT porn-star stuff. This is stuff that comes under the heading of that "openness" that I mentioned in my earlier post. And it is not unusual.

I meant his entire list as a whole. And yes, quite frankly, I would put "fisting" as a very high expectation. While it might be a "normal exploration" for you, I don't think it's high on the list of what I expect his lover will do. Ever. So I stick to my "porn star" designation on this one.

I love it when my man does this kind of thing for me but Jaysus it has nothing to do with sex. I have sex with him because I am attacted to him and I love him and we make each other feel good in bed. Not because of him following trite conventional "pay the woman before she''ll let you fuck her" mores. Or even "court the woman before she'll let you fuck her".

Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy, mutually open relationship.

And here, we agree to disagree, I hope...If this is what she wants, and he's complaining about not having sex often enough...then this is what he should do. If my husband did that for me, I would be suspicious, frankly, because it isn't our dynamic. But hey, he doesn't have to earn my affection because we Communicate. Really, that's all I'm suggesting he do with his partner. And at 35 he's going to want to start looking for that person who is going to be with him when he's 80 and the only fisting involved will be the annual colonoscopy.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

I really sympathise with your situation. I know the feeling of loving someone, but feeling trapped because you're not sexually satisfied by them. It's painful. Really painful. Ignore the people who are having a go at you. It's a difficult thing to understand if you haven't experienced something like it.

You sound as though you're not happy in the relationship you have with your girlfriend. Or more accurately, you're happy with the relationship, but not happy with your sex life (to me, the sex life is a key part of the relationship). That says to me that it's not working. You *can* find the kind of love you have for your girlfriend with someone who also fulfills you. It's not impossible. It's not even that much of a stretch. But to do that you may have to let go of what you have at the moment.

Think carefully, but remember life is short and you have to go after what you want.

 

[Sistinas74]

Tough situation! Having been wth so many women u must know there are a lot out there that are open-minded and would be willing to do quite a bit beneath the sheets, or out of them depending on your pref!! YESSS i as a woman know all too well what porn ideal expectations can be like but im not sure that is what you are wanting from your sig other. We too have our own expectations when it comes to being romanced and such. Either way, I think you should weight how important getting your FUCKIT list completed is to you, and then have a chat with her and go down the list of needs you both have. If she thinks you are something you are not I would highly suggest you tell her who you are, because odds are it will come out in the future anyways....sexual compatibility is very important in relationships and if you deny what either of your needs are it isn't going to last.

 

[bob53]

Why is it you can't just sit down and do "simple" communication.

The big thing is you are going to have to set aside your judgements, ego, etc.
That includes your concern of what you perceive her judgements of yourself MIGHT be if you truly reveal yourself to her.
If you don't reveal yourself you are NEVER going to get the relationship you are looking for.

At the same time you have to really listen and take to heart what she is looking for in a relationship.

Always keep in mind NOTHING about a relationship has to look a certain way. It is all about what the two of you decide the relationship is going to look like.

That varies all the way from total monogamy, swinging, to many forms of poly.

If you are going to let your concerns of what you perceive MIGHT be others judgements of whatever your particular kink may be then you are NEVER going to be satisfied in any relationship.

Be totally honest and open so that your partners(s) can be the same with you. In doing so you also have to be honest and true to yourself.

Then you can find the relationship you are looking for but not while you are in hiding yourself worrying about others judgements.

Personally I know it is difficult to open up that way BUT if you don't you are never going to achieve that bucket list much less whatever her bucket list might happen to include.

Hers may well match yours but if you keep worrying about what you "think" her judgements will be of your list you will NEVER get what you want in a relationship.

Her judgements are her problem NOT yours if you are going to have a real relationship.

 

[mike2010fc]

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[mike2010fc]

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[servant2use]

how about "pay for them" !!

 

[mrtomthumb]

hmmmm..

I think I would up here on mistake but read the thread and and have a few thoughts..

theer appears to be no unbreakable bond there yet..if you are considering children that changes everything.

(this is important)

also I hear many women responding "communicate".., most women consider themselves as great at this when many of them actually suck at it. When you can talk with someone and have no boundries and get each others humor it is a special thing..

sadly the woman I have this with is not my wife..(it is like almost any woman except my wife.)

so I get where you are coming from...even though you are sort of being a little over dramatic about it.

good luck.

 

[Ruffian_13]

I decided to pull my response, no good could come of it, I have nothing more to offer. My fundamental problem is, I don't know why women are attracted to men. I know why I like women, but I don't know why they like men. I'll be spinning my wheels for life until I figure that out. Maybe they just want a man with money and power. Maybe romance doesn't really exist anymore, it's all just pretend.

Mike

I didn't see your original post, but in response to what you have written here...

I don't think you can generalize why women like men (or vice versa). There are as many reasons as there are women! Why do specific women (your girlfriend, for example) like specific men (you)? Why do you like women? Why do you like some women more than others? There's too many reasons. Move on.

Somewhere, there is a women who can and will meet all your needs, but it doesn't sound like this one is it. Or maybe she is, and you just haven't given her enough of a chance. How can you expect her to meet your sexual needs if she doesn't know what they are?? Talk to her, show her this post, do SOMETHING since it sounds like it's a sinking ship anyway... what do you have to lose?

I will also have to agree with Cattypuss that your expectations are not unreasonable. No, not every woman is going to agree to fisting, but it's the open-minded, exploratory, sensual attitude I think you're looking for, more than someone who will perform specific actions.

 

[NightL]

I read as far as:

I've always been kind of a geek, not much money because that's never been my motivation. I could fake it for one night but by a week in, women saw I was just a starving artist

Geek ≠ Artist

Yes, Artist = no money

Geek should = money

No money ≠ Geek

Oh I gave up after that...

 

[Eilan]

also I hear many women responding "communicate".., most women consider themselves as great at this when many of them actually suck at it.

Enlighten us, then.

ETA: That's one of the things I love about Lit. Any time women aren't sure about stuff like relationships, communication, how their own bodies work, or what they like in bed, they can rest assured that some "helpful" dude will come along to do some mansplaining.

 

[bigbritish]

Holy crap this is awesome man! Great read!

I'm far younger, but we all have different rhythms, I went through this 2 years ago.

My advice: go sleep with another women, for your relationships' sake. It's the hardest thing to do but true balls means you're gonna have to man up. If you don't, you're risking your pride and at your age that's gonna be much harder to recover from.

You'll be amazed what it does for your arousal and hers!

The guilt is hers, just remember that

EDIT: the flowery talk is also hers, -- remember that being inside her fucks your mind as much as you fuck her pouch b/c women are good at building nests and we love them for it

 

[bigbritish]

haha yea it's terrible, sorry! this guy is in major need of bro-advice though, i don't care how old he is

 

[bigbritish]

ok i think i can tone it down that the guy doesn't have to go sleep with another woman but he should at least do something that gets the testosterone flowing like playing team sports

i don't think you're gonna get that advice from a woman, b/c they don't speak our lingo

so she'll probably be standoffish when you cut down her time for bro-time, but just keep telling yourself it's better than cheating EDIT: and DO NOT engage her in conversation about it, that **** is toxic with a woman and you'll never win

that said, THINK like you're gonna go nail some other woman

EDIT: that said, i'd love to go back to poetry nights rubbing our toes together under the stars

 

[Lord Pmann]

EDIT: the flowery talk is also hers, -- remember that being inside her fucks your mind as much as you fuck her pouch b/c women are good at building nests and we love them for it

Quoted for future generations.

Pouch. That's so rude. Call it a cockwallet. Show a little fucking class.

 

[Lord Pmann]

i don't think you're gonna get that advice from a woman, b/c they don't speak our lingo

I don't remember "pouch" being taught in Manspeak 101. I was too busy learning wooey words I suppose.

 

[bigbritish]

Quoted for future generations.

Pouch. That's so rude. Call it a cockwallet. Show a little fucking class.

haha, laughing hardcore

but kangeroos have pouches! and they make great mothers!

anyone know if kangeroo sex is good?

 

[Lord Pmann]

Enlighten us, then.

ETA: That's one of the things I love about Lit. Any time women aren't sure about stuff like relationships, communication, how their own bodies work, or what they like in bed, they can rest assured that some "helpful" dude will come along to do some mansplaining.

"I bet she just needs a good dicking," says the helpful man.

 

[Lord Pmann]

haha, laughing hardcore

but kangeroos have pouches! and they make great mothers!

anyone know if kangeroo sex is good?

Joey (young kangaroos) sex is great.