She's way way.... WAY out of my league. How do I handle her?

[Christopher2012]

This story is scattered. Sorry. Let it be a representation of my thoughts. Ha! And please do not quote this initial post. I'm going to delete it after the thread is dead. Thanks.

Okay, I have met this girl who I really like. And she's awesome... really awesome. She's smart, outgoing, beautiful, and everything. Let me just say, I'm not putting this chick on a pedestal. She's way way way better than me. She has lots of friends, goes to the beach every weekend, goes out all the time, has all kinds of great stories, and still pulls in a very high GPA at the same time. Oh, and let me be clear - she's not one of those sluts who parties all the time. She said she hasn't had a boyfriend in over 2 years, and she also said she passionately hates cocky guys. And she seems quiet and reserved most of the time.

Okay, now compare that with me... I used to sit on this website every night. I never go out, have one close friend (who lives in another state...), and am not the most attractive guy in the world. The only thing good about me is that I just graduated with a doctorate and I'll be pulling in just barely over six-figures per year, which is nice. (She's working toward the same degree)

So, I haven't told her I like her because obviously I'm too scared. I have told everybody else, though. I think somebody told her, but I'm not sure. She has been really flirty towards me, almost as if she's trying too hard. She's even offered to help me study for this test I have to take, which would be crazy with her already-loaded schedule.

The ultimate question, though. How does a guy like me (pathetic) handle a girl like her (super awesome)? I mean, I suck. haha! It would be awesome if it worked out, but I honestly don't see how it could.

Don't get me wrong, I'm confident around her. I talk with her a lot. But... it's just school-related stuff since she's a student. And NO, I'm not in a higher position than her. She has no incentive to impress me. Also, she's not a coworker nor an employee below me. We are in two separate worlds in terms of work. Same field, same school, that's it.

 

[Goey]

No idea why'd you delete the post but well... whatever...

Do people still talk in leagues once they leave school? Who knew...
People doing and enjoying different things (aka staying in Vs going out) does not make someone a better person.

If it seems she likes you - then tell her. You don't need to get down on one knee or anything just say something like "It'll be nice if just me and you could do something sometime?"
Women are just as easy to read as men if you look for it, just watch the corners of her mouth - they'll give her heart away before she can fake her emotion.

However if you see yourself as pathetic and her as awesome it hardly seems you've gave yourself a level playing field to stand on - I'd see to that first either by looking at yourself better or letting your image of her return to reality for a week or 2.

 

[multipleJ]

You know what my 1st thought was? Opposites attract. What I gathered was she is very outgoing & you aren't, minus all the self bashing.

My dh & I are on complete opposite sides of the fence. It compliments us to be together. After 20 years he is more outgoing & I am less impulsive. He is more liberal & I am more conservative.

Just chat with her. See where it goes. Don't think past right now.

She may very well believe you are out of her league. I know both of us were like that. Wow, I never thought my dh would have gone out with me back then....he thought the same thing.

Good luck, don't delete this, & keep us posted!

 

[nayia]

MultipleJ has good advice. Just be friends with her for now and get to know her. Don't put extra pressure on yourself thinking about how to get together with her like that. As a girl I feel uncomfortable when I sense a guy is doing the dating/relationship thing right from the get-go. I like to be friends first and then see if it moves past that. Since you said she's more reserved and hasn't had a bf for 2 years I'd say just relax and take it slow

Your post is so sweet btw why would you delete it? One day you might look back on it together with the girl.

 

[kcwordsmith]

an interesting dilemma

I can see the opposites attract argument but generally speaking I think people are attracted to each other for a variety of reasons that are hard to pin down. It seems there is a mutual attraction there that you by all means should pursue. Be open and honest with her. Who knows what really turns her on. She may eventually shoot you down but it's certainly worth exploring a relationship.

 

[Christopher2012]

Well first of all, thank all of you for your replies. I have read each one and every post has been helpful.

I just wanted to post to give a positive update!

First of all, I saw the girl today and she didn't really seem very playful or flirty. So I was disappointed. But then, her friend told me that she liked me a lot. So the roller coaster continues.

To the person who mentioned opposites attracting... WOW, are we opposites!

- She's a huge animal lover (including cats). She has like 4-5 pets.
- I hate cats. I own ONE dog. That's it.

- She's waaaaaaay liberal
- I'm fiscally conservative and socially liberal (please, no arguing politics. I respect your beliefs)

- She's stubborn
- Me, too

- She's very smart. Even as a first-year student, she puts me to shame. Who just graduated again?

-She works out
-I need to...

Even though we're so different, I still want to give it a shot. Every time I talk to her or even see her, I feel like I just got punched in the stomach. She's amazing, man. I hate how much I like her.

 

[Goldeniangel]

It sounds like mostly you're scared of rejection and so you're looking at a bunch of nit picky things about why it won't work out so that you don't have to try. Trust me... I've soooooooo been there. And maybe she's not playful or flirty because it hasn't been working since you haven't asked her out yet

Here's a few things about me and my husband, that may help you.

1. I like tiny dogs. He thinks they should be used for footballs (not really, but that's what he says)

2. We never talk politics. Ever. There are so many other conversational topics in the world, and as long as everyone agrees to disagree then it doesn't really matter. I know plenty of happily married people who are EXTREMELY liberal and EXTREMELY conservative. You make it work.

3. Stubborn... HA. Me = mountain. Hubby = Mohammed.

4. I graduated college and have a "white collar job". My husband dropped out halfway through his first semester and has never had anything but "blue collar" jobs. Neither of us thinks that makes him any less than me.

5. I work out. Hubby never does.

A few more things, far away from what you've talked about... Hubby makes food for a living. I have so many OCD food issues it's ridiculous and drives him absolutely nuts, especially because half the time I can't explain WHY i need to cut up all the pieces of my steak before I can eat it or why I pick out EVERY last tiny piece of mushroom from a casserole. I speed read like crazy, it takes Hubby a month to finish a book that it takes me four hours. He cares about what other people think, I don't (and omgoodness can that cause contention!)

What I"m saying is no relationship is perfect. Half the fun comes from the ways in which you're different.

I doubt you'll ever regret taking a chance and asking her to go get a drink. At least you'll know the answer and that you tried. But won't you always regret it if you don't?

Okay... moment of nerd confession. Hubby and I did not get together under the best of circumstances, but what made me decide to give him a try was the Transformers movie. No joke. When Shia says to Megan Fox "Don't you want to be able to say that you got in the car?"

Well, don't you?

 

[SweetErika]

It sounds like mostly you're scared of rejection and so you're looking at a bunch of nit picky things about why it won't work out so that you don't have to try. Trust me... I've soooooooo been there. And maybe she's not playful or flirty because it hasn't been working since you haven't asked her out yet

I think that's a great observation!

Christopher, don't want to give it a shot, make yourself give it a really fair try. The worst that can happen is you end up right back where you are now, so you really have nothing to lose by letting this woman know you find her amazing and you'd love to take her out soon. Have your calendar handy and some ideas for dates in mind when you do.

If she's that great and she likes you as well, you owe it to yourself to snap her up with dating at least. Otherwise, you can bet someone else will, and you'll always regret not giving it your best shot!

 

[Christopher2012]

Okay, I'm going to ask her out. I don't know how or when.

Any tips on how to go about it?

And dates... uhhh... where should I take her? I live in historic Savannah, Ga. I guess somewhere downtown, but I don't want to take her to a bar. A fancy restaurant will break the bank, so no... To cheap of a restaurant will kill me.

What to do... what to do...? I so suck at this.

 

[njlauren]

It seems obvious the girl likes you, and think about something a friend of mine in one of his books hit right on the mark. His main character has a kind of inferiority complex, and he is finally going out with this gorgeous women and he tells her he doesn't deserve her, etc, and she gets pissed at him, and tells him basically "how the hell do you think that makes me feel? Are you telling me I have no taste and would actually want to be with someone I thought was beneath me? "....if she is showing an interest in you, there is a reason and to play the old "I am not worthy' is self defeating, among other things she will pick up on that.

Geez, Savannah from what I hear is a beautiful city and there have to be charming, not so expensive restaurants and such you could go to that won't break the bank, I am sure there are a ton of websites like yelp and such that can help....take her to a cozy bistro, or then maybe to an out of the way club with music; Dinner and a movie can still work, or maybe even a kind of informal picnic, get some great take out food and find a place on the waterfront to watch as night falls, talk, whatever. When my wife and I met in college, you could shake us and not find 10 bucks between us most of the time, but we had a great time nonetheless.

You don't have act like a frat jock or be mr. cool, have some confidence, be yourself and have fun and things will flow from that.

 

[blulilacgrl]

That's great that you're going to ask her out! FYI my Hubby and I were the couple voted most likely to kill each. We are that polar opposite and in largely the ways you described the differences between you and this young woman.

I am extremely outgoing, he is very shy and reserved
I love animals (esp. dogs) he WAS a total cat person.
I am creative, he is mechanical

19 years later..still love each other like crazy. We balance each other. Think lock and key (and no not in THAT way! lol)

As for places to go...it doesn't have to be cheap or expensive. It has to be personal. Pack a picnic lunch and take her to a great park. Go for a walk and then sit on a blanket and talk and eat.

OR is there an art exhibit she would like to see, a festival she might be interested in, or a place that you enjoy going to that you would like to share with her?

Bottom line, it's not about money, it's about thought. Fun, funky, and personal always work for me!

If you feel like it, pm me and we can brainstorm. Love scouring cities and finding interesting places to go!

Good Luck!!

 

[kcwordsmith]

small world

Okay, I'm going to ask her out. I don't know how or when.

Any tips on how to go about it?

And dates... uhhh... where should I take her? I live in historic Savannah, Ga. I guess somewhere downtown, but I don't want to take her to a bar. A fancy restaurant will break the bank, so no... To cheap of a restaurant will kill me.

What to do... what to do...? I so suck at this.

Hmmm...I'm not from Savannah but was there this spring with friends. It was the day before St. Patrick's Day so pretty crazy. Nice old town, beautiful landscaping. We ate at the Pink House I think it's called. Anyway, the building is pink. Why don't you just ask her to a movie and have coffee afterward?

 

[fire_breeze]

Okay, I'm going to ask her out. I don't know how or when.

Any tips on how to go about it?

And dates... uhhh... where should I take her? I live in historic Savannah, Ga. I guess somewhere downtown, but I don't want to take her to a bar. A fancy restaurant will break the bank, so no... To cheap of a restaurant will kill me.

What to do... what to do...? I so suck at this.

The best date I've had so far was when my all took me out to his campus last year. We wandered around - he showed me the gardens (I love gardens), a small anthropology exhibit and grabbed a bite to eat. We talked and laughed and talked, and I still remember it as being one of the best afternoons I've ever had. What made it memorable and so wonderful? I spent it with him, he and I were completely ourselves and most importantly, we both had fun. It was quasi planned but still very spontaneous. The exhibit? We popped in as we passed it - he didn't plan it.

How about a cafe? You don't have to like coffee - there's something for everyone - you can grab a drink, maybe some food and talk. Or a museum exhibit? How about a play? The circus or zoo? A lecture? What are your mutual interests?

I don't know anything about Savannah, but I am assuming there's always something to do - festivals, outdoor concerts, squares with stalls. You don't need a plan. A simple "Let's go to the market" can be more than enough. Or if you know she's interested in X or always wanted to try Y, do that. Have a general idea, but there is no need to micromanage. Dates are supposed to be fun for all parties involved. They shouldn't be complicated. So do something you both enjoy, even if it's watching old Sci-Fi movies or browsing in a bookstore and then hitting Starbucks.

Good luck and have fun.

 

[loquere]

Have a go between test the waters! Or focus group. What would work best is man up. If she's worth it you'll walk through hell to get her. Go for it ask her for cofee. Even better ask her out to see Batman the Dark night!

 

[Christopher2012]

You guys are so awesome. Oh hey, what does "ALL" mean?

I'm going to be sooooo freaking nervous. I have bad anxiety already. I'm literally going to be shaking if I actually go through with it.

Just recently, I asked a different girl out. This girl had no personality but she looked like a model. The only reason why I asked her was because my friends from work said I needed to grow some balls. And honestly, I was hoping she would say no. Unfortunately, the "no" I got from her was a little more emphatic than I would have liked it to be. I was pretty shocked and very embarrassed. That was the first and only time I've ever opened up to a woman. I was slammed hard (no pun intended!). It turned out to be cool telling my friends that I asked her.

So this will be the second time. I hope it goes a little better. I won't see her until Thursday. So, don't expect an update about her until that night. And if I don't go through with it, I'll see her Sunday. That will be the last time that I'll ever see her. So, it's all or nothing then.

BTW, something else interesting happened today. The friend of this girl said "Hey, you should text her about what she's supposed to do for school." (something like that) That friend of hers knows that I don't have her phone number. So I'm thinking that may have been a hint to get the number in my hand. I never realize the subtle things until it's too late.

 

[SweetErika]

Where do you like to go? What are you passionate about? What has she expressed an interest in?

I'd say go somewhere where there's stuff to look at and talk about. Make it about getting to know each other better. Like Fire said, even a walk through a farmers market with a cafe stop before or after. Google and check out the ideas on sites like this. If you're on a tight budget, google 'free cheap things to do savannah, ga' and the like.

I'd suggest picking 2-3 things that are interesting to you (she will have a better time if you're interested in the activity) AND will likely appeal to her so you have some backup suggestions. You can ask her if she's ever been to/done XYZ as a lead-in to asking her for a date. Even if she has, maybe she'd like to show you her favorite things about that place.

Because it's summer, I'd suggest planning an indoor component to the date. Then if the weather gets to you, you'll have a spot to retreat to or a backup plan. Like dinner at a fairly-priced restaurant that's gotten rave reviews plus a walk along the river. Or a stop in at a brewpub for lunch and a craft beer/cider after you hit a local park. Hell, planning a picnic at a park would probably be awesome for most women! You're a smart guy; you'll figure it out.

The important thing is that you've put some effort into making it a fun time for both of you and you do something that creates connections. You said this woman is nice and intelligent, so she'll almost certainly get something out of whatever you two do.

Overall, be your confident self and have fun with it! Don't worry about planning something formal, expensive or serious. This will be about showing her who you are and allowing her to do the same; most of us enjoy doing that in a wide variety of settings!

 

[Christopher2012]

Thanks, Erica. Honestly, though, tips on dating always seem like reading a foreign language (Spanish is probably the best example...). I can kind of make out what's being said but it never really sinks in... Oh this is going to be a scary few weeks.

And to make matters worse, I'm going to have to move away to find a job... So this will all be in vain and I'll be miserable if we do actually click.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks, Erica. Honestly, though, tips on dating always seem like reading a foreign language (Spanish is probably the best example...). I can kind of make out what's being said but it never really sinks in... Oh this is going to be a scary few weeks.

It's going to be an EXCITING few weeks. Focus on the amazing possibilities, rather than your fears.

And if you're having trouble making sense of it, break it down into more manageable pieces that you will understand. You're very logical, right? Well, if you need to, make yourself a list of the steps to coming up with date ideas. Then all you'll have to do is go through those steps and ask her if she'll go out with you.

Here's what you WILL get, easily: Most women are easy to please. All it takes is some thought and effort. By looking at different date ideas and thinking about what you two could enjoy together, you're doing that. By asking her out, you're doing that. By bringing flowers, packing a picnic, picking up a coffee drink for her on the way, or whatever thoughtful gesture you may choose, you're doing that. [BTW, I don't think a date NEEDS any of those things to be fabulous, but thoughtful acts can certainly put everything on even better footing and make us melt.] By giving her genuine compliments, you're doing that. The rest is up to chemistry, really. A date where everything goes awry can still be great if the couple is flexible, positive and has chemistry.

And to make matters worse, I'm going to have to move away to find a job... So this will all be in vain and I'll be miserable if we do actually click.

Why set yourself up for disappointment with that kind of thinking? There are other possible outcomes, you know. What if she were to finish her degree and get a job in the same city as you? What if you move apart, then reconnect down the line? What if you find a job within a reasonable distance? What if this woman isn't the best match for you, but you move and connect with someone who is perfect for you?

I'm TOTALLY an 'expect the worst; hope for the best' type of person. That 'hope for the best' part is so key, though. Wait to see what happens and how you feel about it when/if you get there, rather than determining you'll be miserable now. You'll be better for it, I promise.

 

[Christopher2012]

Man, I'll tell you one thing... I've never felt this way before. I feel like a teenager. haha!

If this doesn't work out, then it will definitely be easier the next time... I LOVE feeling like this. I have GOT to get a girlfriend.

 

[Goey]

If she likes you, she'll love your shyness anyway and find it sweet you got yourself to ask her out in the first place.

If two people like each other I don't think it really matters how one asks for the first date, she'll have already made up her mind long before you've spoke the first word.

 

[Christopher2012]

So I thought I'd give you guys somr interesting facts about our past.

- Me and this girl are the same age, and we graduated high school the same year.

- We both went to the same elementary school and possibly were in the same class (we had the same first-grade teacher)

- During my second year of college (at 19 yeard old), this girl's mom taught me Organic Chemistry I and II.

- When I was 20, her mom wrote me a formal recommendation to pharmacy school.

-During my second year of pharmacy school, this girl's dad was my preceptor for four weeks. He gave me an A.

This girl isn't just some random girl...

 

[SweetErika]

Well, there you go! A shared history like that often bodes well for the future. We're getting ahead of ourselves thinking about what might happen when you get a job, BUT your history together even makes that time brighter if your date(s) and such work out well (and I think they will and really hope they do!).

Around 40 years, two ex-wives, and one deceased common law wife later, my dad is now in a LTR with a woman he went to high school with. I think it's a good example of how people can reconnect and be great together, even after not seeing each other for most of their lives.

 

[Goldeniangel]

I loooooooooooooove Savannah! And I KNOW there's always music stuff going on down there, so you should see if she'd be interested in going to one of those! Or just out to Forsythe Park for a picnic. Or for a quick drink at a happy hour. First dates shouldn't be nice dinners - way too much pressure. Don't even call it a date. Ask her if she'd like to "go out" for happy hour or to hear someone play some music somewhere. Maybe even just see if she'd like to take a day trip out to Tybee Island for the beach, since you guys know each other pretty well. Just start spending more time with her, just the two of you, and see if things flow naturally.

Def ask for her number. Just a simple, "So, I'd really love to call you sometime" is always so nice to hear =)

 

[Christopher2012]

So how do I find out specifics about what's going on downtown? How do you find out when special events are taking place?

Here's something else that you should probably know... I grew up in Savannah, sure... but I've NEVER gone downtown except for absolute necessities (very few over my 24 years). In January, I started working at a pharmacy on Victory Drive and am becoming more aware of how special the place is. I guess my parents always tried to keep me away from harm's way and anchored me to the South Side and Richmond Hill.

Downtown Savannah is soooooooo weird. One second, you could be on the most glamourous block and the next second, you could be in the ghetto.

I'll be honest, I'm so sheltered that I don't know shit about the place that I've lived my entire life...

This past Sat night, I was driving downtown looking for The World of Beers, and I was seeing soooo many gorgeous women walking down the street. I was like "Where the hell have I been all these years? Looks like I've finally found where all the women are..."

 

[Christopher2012]

So how do I find out specifics about what's going on downtown? How do you find out when special events are taking place?

I'd say go somewhere where there's stuff to look at and talk about. Make it about getting to know each other better. Like Fire said, even a walk through a farmers market with a cafe stop before or after. Google and check out the ideas on sites like this. If you're on a tight budget, google 'free cheap things to do savannah, ga' and the like.

Oh yeah, that answers my question!

It's so overwhelming. There's so much to choose from. I feel like any plan I could possibly come up with is going to suck. I just don't know anything. This is like a whole new world...