Took all I could do.....

[Complaisant1]

to get the courage up to post this question. Let me begin by saying, I am just now getting my toes wet in re to this lifestyle. I have always had a hunger to be dominated and, as I have gotten older, the feelings have gotten stronger. I have read several stories on here lately and, honestly, I had no idea how much there is to actually learn in order to have a successful D/s relationship. I must say though, I'm exited about the challenge.

Anyway, the question I want to ask is, if both my DH and I want to begin this new lifestyle, but have zero experience, where should we begin? We do have a somewhat tame D/s-esque relationship, sexually, but want to take it further.

I recently came across the SM-101 book on Amazon, and would like to get an opinion about it. Is it a recommended read, or should I be looking in a different direction. If we are going to do this, we want to do it right. Too bad there isn't a BDSM college we could attend...lol. Wait, is there?

Well, thanks in advance to those of you who can assist us in our quest for a brand new, exciting lifestyle!

 

[Stella_Omega]

SM 101 is on my list of recommended reads, along with "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" and the "new Bottoming" and "new Topping" books.

All of those books focus mostly on the physical side of things, talk about how to do it good as in-- everyone has screaming orgasms-- and do it safe-- as in, no one has to go to ER.

When you talk about dominance and submission, though-- that's not necessarily physical. That's a whole second set of needs and skills.
If that's where you're going, and hubby is going to be dominant, try "The loving Dominant"

If you're the dominant one, try "the Mistress Manual" and "the Sexually Dominant woman workbook"
Another good book is called "living M/s"

BUT!

There is no "Doing it right." There are no universal laws of Kink (Maybe don't get hurt or jailed) and there is no one who has the authority to sit in judgement on you if you two do it your way.

 

[Complaisant1]

SM 101 is on my list of recommended reads, along with "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" and the "new Bottoming" and "new Topping" books.

All of those books focus mostly on the physical side of things, talk about how to do it good as in-- everyone has screaming orgasms-- and do it safe-- as in, no one has to go to ER.

When you talk about dominance and submission, though-- that's not necessarily physical. That's a whole second set of needs and skills.
If that's where you're going, and hubby is going to be dominant, try "The loving Dominant"

If you're the dominant one, try "the Mistress Manual" and "the Sexually Dominant woman workbook"
Another good book is called "living M/s"

BUT!

There is no "Doing it right." There are no universal laws of Kink (Maybe don't get hurt or jailed) and there is no one who has the authority to sit in judgement on you if you do it your way.

TYVM for your help. We definitely want it be more than physical. For instance, if say we were to start out on a "part-time" arrangement, say Friday through Sunday, then I would expect him to dominate me the entire time. I enjoy the thought of submitting emotionally, as much as I do physically. I want him to tell me what to wear and when to wear it, and I want to obey him. I want to submit to his punishments as well, be it physical or emotional, provided he understands my limits.

One thing I'm having a hard time with is that, I explained to him what I had read about safe words, and I don't think he's getting it. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but he needs to know that my "No, stop" isn't always what he thinks it means. When I told him we really should be using safe words, he said he'd know when I've had enough. I so want this to work, but it's things like that that I'm afraid of.

I'll definitely get those books and start reading. I'm hopeful that once he reads it for himself, he'll understand the importance of it.

Thanks again!

 

[BiBunny]

Some people don't like safewords. *Shrug*

If he is going to be the dominant one and he doesn't like the idea of safewords, then maybe you should only say "No, stop" when you mean "No stop"? Just a thought.

 

[eastern sun]

My husband absolutely refused to do things "by the book." He saw the formal establishment of M/s dynamics in our relationship as an agreement that he would get to decide those issues for himself. As a result, I had to let go of a number of my own fantasy-desires, and really let him have control.

He also interpreted my desire for punishment much more harshly than I actually wanted it, and it wasn't simply a matter of having a safeword. Because we had already been interacting for years, we had a foundation for communicating with each other that casual play partners don't have. The way you already communicate with each other - especially when you're at your best - will be your most useful tool as you make this change in your relationship.

Do as much reading as you want to do, but then throw it all away in favor of your own erotic creativity. And then let him take the reins.

 

[Complaisant1]

Some people don't like safewords. *Shrug*

If he is going to be the dominant one and he doesn't like the idea of safewords, then maybe you should only say "No, stop" when you mean "No stop"? Just a thought.

Hmmmm.....just one problem...lol...uhm...we kinda have a Reluctance Fetish

 

[Complaisant1]

My husband absolutely refused to do things "by the book." He saw the formal establishment of M/s dynamics in our relationship as an agreement that he would get to decide those issues for himself. As a result, I had to let go of a number of my own fantasy-desires, and really let him have control.

He also interpreted my desire for punishment much more harshly than I actually wanted it, and it wasn't simply a matter of having a safeword. Because we had already been interacting for years, we had a foundation for communicating with each other that casual play partners don't have. The way you already communicate with each other - especially when you're at your best - will be your most useful tool as you make this change in your relationship.

Do as much reading as you want to do, but then throw it all away in favor of your own erotic creativity. And then let him take the reins.

Thank you for your helpful insight. I understand exactly where you are coming from. May I ask what you meant by "He also interpreted my desire for punishment much more harshly than I actually wanted it"? I mean, did you just accept it? I don't mean to be intrusive, sorry.

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you for your helpful insight. I understand exactly where you are coming from. May I ask what you meant by "He also interpreted my desire for punishment much more harshly than I actually wanted it"? I mean, did you just accept it? I don't mean to be intrusive, sorry.

He thought I wanted to be treated more cruelly than I actually wanted. We had a rough six month patch in the first year, because I was trying really hard to do what was asked of me (which was actually very difficult to do 24/7) and he was going out of his way to punish me whenever I failed.

He thought it was the punishment that I wanted - the pain and emotional coldness. At work, he was hanging out with a large group of younger women, while I was home with the kids, and his unfettered sexual dominance made him extremely attractive to other women. I felt like they were getting his best, while he was giving me his worst.

We ended up really pissed at each other, before we figured out that we didn't need to make that many changes in our relationship. We didn't have to do different things, ultimately, we just needed to bring a changed attitude or mindset to the things we were already doing. (If that makes sense)

Then, we could actually begin to grow into new behaviors more naturally, without false ideas of what we "wanted" that were based on fantasy and external codes, rather than our own desires.

Enjoy the journey. But know that once you start playing some of the more intense games, both sexually and emotionally, it can be a real minefield. Don't worry if you get upset with each other. Just be willing to talk to each other once you calm down to figure out what happened.

 

[eastern sun]

Oh, and yeah, I did just accept it for six months, until I didn't.

 

[Complaisant1]

He thought I wanted to be treated more cruelly than I actually wanted. We had a rough six month patch in the first year, because I was trying really hard to do what was asked of me (which was actually very difficult to do 24/7) and he was going out of his way to punish me whenever I failed.

He thought it was the punishment that I wanted - the pain and emotional coldness. At work, he was hanging out with a large group of younger women, while I was home with the kids, and his unfettered sexual dominance made him extremely attractive to other women. I felt like they were getting his best, while he was giving me his worst.

We ended up really pissed at each other, before we figured out that we didn't need to make that many changes in our relationship. We didn't have to do different things, ultimately, we just needed to bring a changed attitude or mindset to the things we were already doing. (If that makes sense)

Then, we could actually begin to grow into new behaviors more naturally, without false ideas of what we "wanted" that were based on fantasy and external codes, rather than our own desires.

Enjoy the journey. But know that once you start playing some of the more intense games, both sexually and emotionally, it can be a real minefield. Don't worry if you get upset with each other. Just be willing to talk to each other once you calm down to figure out what happened.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself. Your words resonated with me. My husband and I have a deep, unspoken understanding with each other, which I think is extremely beneficial going into this. Although, having read what you wrote, I'm realizing now that I haven't really stopped to consider how entering into this lifestyle may change us, as a couple, or individually.

I guess I need to forgo the reading material for now, and concentrate on what we want for each other. Like you said, base it on our own desires, rather than fantasy and external codes. Thank you for that, Eastern Sun. You've actually opened my eyes to a new way of approaching this.

((HUGS))

 

[desertslave]

First of, HI!

Second, I have to 'ditto' Stella's very good recommendations for reading, AND her caveat about 'doing it right.'

Finally, sit down and have as many serious talks as needed about what you both need, want and wish for about this relationship. There are checklists online to help you decide what you would like or not to explore. Don't get locked into your expectations, though. Real Life can intrude when you least expect it. (Do you have kids? LOL All bets are off!) The absolutely MOST important thing in all of this is to keep talking. And keep asking questions her and wherever else you feel comfortable.

 

[Complaisant1]

First of, HI!

Second, I have to 'ditto' Stella's very good recommendations for reading, AND her caveat about 'doing it right.'

Finally, sit down and have as many serious talks as needed about what you both need, want and wish for about this relationship. There are checklists online to help you decide what you would like or not to explore. Don't get locked into your expectations, though. Real Life can intrude when you least expect it. (Do you have kids? LOL All bets are off!) The absolutely MOST important thing in all of this is to keep talking. And keep asking questions her and wherever else you feel comfortable.

Ty for your input, Desertslave. It's so nice to be able to speak openly in this forum. I'm grateful for the help I've received re my situation. I have definitely been shown a new way to think about it and approach it, as well, thanks to the responses I've received.

No kids, per se...a daughter who is 29 and on her own. We married young and it's so nice to have time now to discover each other, without all of the interruptions and stress that raising a family can bring to a relationship. It's our time now, and we are living it to the fullest. We are best friends, and lovers. Not sure it gets any better than that.

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself. Your words resonated with me. My husband and I have a deep, unspoken understanding with each other, which I think is extremely beneficial going into this. Although, having read what you wrote, I'm realizing now that I haven't really stopped to consider how entering into this lifestyle may change us, as a couple, or individually.

I guess I need to forgo the reading material for now, and concentrate on what we want for each other. Like you said, base it on our own desires, rather than fantasy and external codes. Thank you for that, Eastern Sun. You've actually opened my eyes to a new way of approaching this.

((HUGS))

I would encourage you, though, to do the reading, and observe and/or participate in workshops and/or demos in your local scene, if you are interested in engaging in activities that have the potential for serious physical and/or emotional harm. It is possible to hurt someone doing some of the things we do.

 

[Complaisant1]

I would encourage you, though, to do the reading, and observe and/or participate in workshops and/or demos in your local scene, if you are interested in engaging in activities that have the potential for serious physical and/or emotional harm. It is possible to hurt someone doing some of the things we do.

Will do! That's why I want to make sure he and I have a full understanding of each other.