curious girlfriends means scared me

[NewbieYoungster]

So I'm young and ignorant and my views on sex are weird but my girlfriend is very open minded we've been together for a little more then a year and she's already talking about 3 ways with both men and women now I finally came to an understanding and said OK but now she's saying that she wants to fuck other guys just for the sake of change frankly I don't know how to feel about this and I was just wondering.....
Is it normal to be scared?
Should I just go with it I mean I'm young?
She doesn't view sex as something special is that wrong it am I wrong for glorifying it?
What should I do?
Any help would be great really because I'm losing sleep over this....

 

[Ropebunny]

I'd like to start off by saying that however you feel about sex and what it means to you isn't wrong. Neither are your girlfriends views on sex but since you don't feel the same way some give and take might be nessesary for your relationship to work. If you haven't talked with your girlfriend about the confusion this situation is causing you, I think you should. Writing things down into a letter or email can make talking about tricky things a bit easier.

I think it is normal to be scared of things you haven't tried before, especially if it's not something you feel comfortable feel or what you think you would enjoy. I think what it comes down to is what is it in particular that you fear about the situation. Is it that you are afraid that she will leave you if don't give in; that she will leave after having had sex with other people; that you might enjoying her having sex with others; all of the above or something completely different? Have a good think about it, share your feelings with your girlfriend, see how she feel and work a way forward together if you can. If you can't come to a solution that both of you could happily live with, maybe it's best to call it a day and walk away.

Whatever route you do take, please don't compromise your feelings to accomodate someone elses. If you really don't feel comfortable with something don't do it just because you are young or because it will make someone else happy. It may seem like a good idea at the time but will eventually lead to regret which is never a nice feeling.

I wish you luck in talking to your girlfriend about this and I hope you can find your way through this positively

 

[lynn-23]

I'd like to start off by saying that however you feel about sex and what it means to you isn't wrong. Neither are your girlfriends views on sex but since you don't feel the same way some give and take might be nessesary for your relationship to work. If you haven't talked with your girlfriend about the confusion this situation is causing you, I think you should. Writing things down into a letter or email can make talking about tricky things a bit easier.

I think it is normal to be scared of things you haven't tried before, especially if it's not something you feel comfortable feel or what you think you would enjoy. I think what it comes down to is what is it in particular that you fear about the situation. Is it that you are afraid that she will leave you if don't give in; that she will leave after having had sex with other people; that you might enjoying her having sex with others; all of the above or something completely different? Have a good think about it, share your feelings with your girlfriend, see how she feel and work a way forward together if you can. If you can't come to a solution that both of you could happily live with, maybe it's best to call it a day and walk away.

Whatever route you do take, please don't compromise your feelings to accomodate someone elses. If you really don't feel comfortable with something don't do it just because you are young or because it will make someone else happy. It may seem like a good idea at the time but will eventually lead to regret which is never a nice feeling.

I wish you luck in talking to your girlfriend about this and I hope you can find your way through this positively

HOw old are you both? Had either of you been with anyone before? It sounds to me that you have deep feelings for her and believe that sex is an expression of that love. Thats sort of how i feel too. She , not so much. Do you see a future with her? do you think she sees a future with you? It soulnds like you are concerned that she wants the mmf threesome to have sex with other guys and you are afraid once that happens she will either leave you eventually, or even if she stays, the sex wont be special anymore? Am I right? I dont think there is an easy answer. But the key is yes, you are young. If you WANT to try a 3some, for the experience, then do it. But if you dont, then tell her. You dont' need to experience everything before you're even 20. If you say no and she leaves, then its best you know now and before your compromised your prinicipals. If you agree to do it, see how it goes. You might enjoy seeing her pleasure you and another guy. If it is too difficult to see or if she does end up leaving, well, again, its best that you know now before the relationship gets more serious. I wish you luck.

 

[bailadora]

Whatever route you do take, please don't compromise your feelings to accomodate someone elses. If you really don't feel comfortable with something don't do it just because you are young or because it will make someone else happy. It may seem like a good idea at the time but will eventually lead to regret which is never a nice feeling.

This bears repeating. Do not go against your conscience, just to make someone else happy. If your girl has any respect/feeling for you, she should be not be trying to push/talk you into or "convince" you to try anything you're not comfortable with. If she's determined to head down this path despite your reservations, the two of you may simply be sexually incompatible. It happens and neither or you is "wrong".

 

[billrichards41]

Again how old are you?
In any case this may not be the love of your life and if you want, go with it. It can be fun and if you don't like it move on. It's an experience.

 

[jen_litgirl]

...my views on sex are weird

What do you mean by this? What would make you think that your views are weird? There are some vastly different views about sex here on this forum but we're all able to feel safe. Your comment makes me wonder if your girlfriend says or does things that make you question yourself.

Whatever your views are I am sure there are people here who would tell you that you are totally normal. Do what you feel comfortable and safe doing, and nothing more until you feel safe going that little bit further. It sounds like you have some serious reservations about doing a threesome and that's an automatic NO in my book.

 

[NewbieYoungster]

We talked about it and came to an understanding
To answer any of your questions I'm 18 going to be 19 and she's a year older
I've thought about my feelings long and hard and I can say I do love her and she loves me yes I'm young and it's a scary thing when you think how now a days love doesn't last
Sex to me is a special thing but after doing research a polyamorous relationship seems like it will work when I said my views are weird I meant that well when I was single sex was just an action for pleasure but now I feel like I've given something I bit more to this girl so it's conflicting because I know sex is just an act but with her it's different maybe I need to find the line between having sex and making love and how me and her can do something special to keep our person feelings between us and away from everyone else while we have sex
You've all been great help though and I'm really hopeful about my relationship and I know that as long as I keep an honest open dialogue with her we could work anything out.

 

[bailadora]

We talked about it and came to an understanding
To answer any of your questions I'm 18 going to be 19 and she's a year older
I've thought about my feelings long and hard and I can say I do love her and she loves me yes I'm young and it's a scary thing when you think how now a days love doesn't last
Sex to me is a special thing but after doing research a polyamorous relationship seems like it will work when I said my views are weird I meant that well when I was single sex was just an action for pleasure but now I feel like I've given something I bit more to this girl so it's conflicting because I know sex is just an act but with her it's different maybe I need to find the line between having sex and making love and how me and her can do something special to keep our person feelings between us and away from everyone else while we have sex
You've all been great help though and I'm really hopeful about my relationship and I know that as long as I keep an honest open dialogue with her we could work anything out.

My husband and I met when we were 19 and we're about to hit our 23rd year together, so young love CAN last. I think what has helped us stay together is that we're pretty much in sync with our basic values, how we see the world and what our long term goals are. We're both also deeply committed to each other and to seriously and actively trying to resolve whatever conflicts/problems come along. And in the course of 20 some odd years together, there have been some doozies.

The parts of your post that I bolded raise a red flag for me. On the one hand, you say that sex is a special thing to you. Then you seem to turn right around and contradict yourself by saying sex is just an act. I'm wondering if the "sex is just an act" is HER perspective and you're trying to convince yourself of the same in order to keep her. IMO, sex is what you make of it. Some people treat it as just an act, and that's all it will ever be to them. Others are unable to separate the emotional component, thus sex holds more significance.

Poly relationships CAN work, but those who go down that road will tell you that it's no cake walk and that they can require more emotion, energy and effort than a monogamous relationship. I'm not saying you shouldn't explore polyamory, but I would definitely advise you to take more time to reflect on YOUR feelings, desires, goals, etc and make sure this is something you explore because YOU have a genuine interest. Not because someone else has talked you into it. Because honestly, it reads like you and your girl aren't even remotely on the same page when it comes to sexual attitudes. If she's someone you think you want a long term relationship with, you're going to have to come to an agreement or you're in for a rocky road.

Best of luck to you.

 

[jen_litgirl]

^^^I couldn't have said it better myself. It sounds to me like sex was just an act before your girlfriend came along and now it's special between the two of you. Have you thought about the possibility that although she wants this open relationship right now that once it becomes a reality that she may resent you. It happens more often then you might realize.

Just a thought to add to the discussion.

 

[subwannabe]

Relationships can work and last when you start young. I have known a few. BUT, you have got to understand that the statistics are not in your favor. Hell, 50% of all marriages don't work out, even more relationships don't work out, and you just have to realize that 18 year olds don't usually wind up being with the person they were with when they were 18. That's just reality. It's hard to realize when you're 18 but those are the facts. When you are 35, more than likely, you will remember back at the relationship you are having now as just a mere memory. The fact that you are losing sleep over this and that you view sex as something more than she does, doesn't bode well for your long term future.