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[Mont1950]

Looking for the kind of feedback that will result in excellent erotic writing. One of my real struggles is the tense (present, past) of the piece. This first story is a lesbian theme since I want to stretch my abilities to capture a legitimate female perspective. However, I don't want to be exclusively lesbian in the future. I want to be a great erotic writer. Because it is erotic should NOT make it second class. I want to develop a stylistic, approach to erotic writing with characters who are not one dimensional.
Here is the link to my first story.

http://www.literotica.com/s/slow-awakening-1

Mont.

 

[269Thalia]

Ahoy Mont;

You asked about tense. I have begun writing all in present tense. Given that, it is still a struggle to take the 'ing' words out because they qualify as present (e.g., she is breathing shallowly), in favor of non '-ing' words that convey the same thought, such as her breath is light in her chest, or whatever. Also I try to get away from adverbs such as shallowly, and use something more terse, such as her breath is shallow... not the greatest example I admit but you get my drift.

I find when I use short, declarative present-tense sentences, the reading moves along easily, less parsing by the reader. It's what I'm working on these days. Good examples in Rachelle's Fundamental Treatment, esp. in part 2.

As to your example story, try to say 'nice breasts' in a more unconventional way, instead of 34b, it sounds like rocket science. You don't have to tell everything up front. If you say it's a girl people will provide the vision of the girl without help. Say what happens to the breasts and why they are important in that moment and you tell a story.

Hope this helps. Writing is a damn lot of work, isn't it?

Thal

Looking for the kind of feedback that will result in excellent erotic writing. One of my real struggles is the tense (present, past) of the piece. This first story is a lesbian theme since I want to stretch my abilities to capture a legitimate female perspective. However, I don't want to be exclusively lesbian in the future. I want to be a great erotic writer. Because it is erotic should NOT make it second class. I want to develop a stylistic, approach to erotic writing with characters who are not one dimensional.
Here is the link to my first story.

http://www.literotica.com/s/slow-awakening-1

Mont.

 

[Mont1950]

Yes you are right.....but I love the work

Ahoy Mont;

You asked about tense. I have begun writing all in present tense. Given that, it is still a struggle to take the 'ing' words out because they qualify as present (e.g., she is breathing shallowly), in favor of non '-ing' words that convey the same thought, such as her breath is light in her chest, or whatever. Also I try to get away from adverbs such as shallowly, and use something more terse, such as her breath is shallow... not the greatest example I admit but you get my drift.

I find when I use short, declarative present-tense sentences, the reading moves along easily, less parsing by the reader. It's what I'm working on these days. Good examples in Rachelle's Fundamental Treatment, esp. in part 2.

As to your example story, try to say 'nice breasts' in a more unconventional way, instead of 34b, it sounds like rocket science. You don't have to tell everything up front. If you say it's a girl people will provide the vision of the girl without help. Say what happens to the breasts and why they are important in that moment and you tell a story.

Hope this helps. Writing is a damn lot of work, isn't it?

Thal

Thanks for the feedback. Your use of the present tense makes for an easy read and that's what I am going for.

Mont.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Hi Mont,

You need to work on your run-on sentences, they kill the flow and make the reading difficult.

Here's a couple of examples:

Suddenly she spreads her feet apart, at first tipping her whole head backwards so that her hair is one vertical blond column pointing towards the floor and then in one easy move flicks her entire head forward and down in front of her and keeping her head in that position attacks her hair with the nozzle of her dryer.

She descends into the social melee and pushes her way through the crowded bar until she gets to the railing then shimmies along sideways, rubbing her ample chest against at least half a dozen people she didn't know, to the three steps that takes her up to the little landing where David and four others are sitting at a small oblong dark stained table, decorated with one round of drinks Gloria estimates..

You either need to break it up into smaller sentences and/or cut out all the extraneous details. Here's how I would rewrite the second sentence:

Gloria made her way through the writhing, energized crowd to the table where David and a group of his friends were enjoying a round of drinks.

 

[Mont1950]

Thanks ...

Thanks for all your comments. All to date are on point.

Mont.

 

[lazyhobo]

You either need to break it up into smaller sentences and/or cut out all the extraneous details.

Im not sure if I fully understand what you're saying here.

She descends into the social melee and pushes her way through the crowded bar until she gets to the railing then shimmies along sideways, rubbing her ample chest against at least half a dozen people she didn't know, to the three steps that takes her up to the little landing where David and four others are sitting at a small oblong dark stained table, decorated with one round of drinks Gloria estimates..

Gloria made her way through the writhing, energized crowd to the table where David and a group of his friends were enjoying a round of drinks.

From the above quotes, all I've seen changed, is that you've removed the scene details, and made a short and precise version to that scene. While in speech, alot of people appreciate short and decisive, in stories, there are some readers and writers that appreciate the detail.
I will agree, the flow of the original version is off, and there should be some changes, commas or fullstops, giving the reader breathing room. But I wouldn't agree with changing the whole line into a small one.

Remember, part of the reason some writers manage to write long stories is by using detail.

Final Note : While I say use of detail doesn't have to be shortened, but requires proper grammar, if you're writing a scene Again, shortly after the first, for example, she leaves and goes back to David and friends, Then I would write a shortened version, because the reader would not need to know the details, having just seen them. But for the first time, I'd say extra detail CAN go a long way.

Edit : Extra Note : To the Thread starter, When coming to run-on sentences like the above, I suggest when you've wrote it, try reading the sentence Out loud, and see how it goes. Reading outloud gives more of an effect when the flow, run on or breathing is off or too long.

 

[Mont1950]

Taking it all in

Im not sure if I fully understand what you're saying here.




From the above quotes, all I've seen changed, is that you've removed the scene details, and made a short and precise version to that scene. While in speech, alot of people appreciate short and decisive, in stories, there are some readers and writers that appreciate the detail.
I will agree, the flow of the original version is off, and there should be some changes, commas or fullstops, giving the reader breathing room. But I wouldn't agree with changing the whole line into a small one.

Remember, part of the reason some writers manage to write long stories is by using detail.

Final Note : While I say use of detail doesn't have to be shortened, but requires proper grammar, if you're writing a scene Again, shortly after the first, for example, she leaves and goes back to David and friends, Then I would write a shortened version, because the reader would not need to know the details, having just seen them. But for the first time, I'd say extra detail CAN go a long way.

Edit : Extra Note : To the Thread starter, When coming to run-on sentences like the above, I suggest when you've wrote it, try reading the sentence Out loud, and see how it goes. Reading outloud gives more of an effect when the flow, run on or breathing is off or too long.

All good points here. Thanks again.

Mont.