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Tell a Joke

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two men wearing hoodies arrived.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.

Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says

"Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."
 
Use Your Brain

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers,

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Use Your Brain

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers,

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.
Click to expand...

that's pretty cool - the first (with the numbers) was easier as the brain has to then adjust to the all caps thing ... takes a few moments and then it all falls into place so long as you long look too hard at what is actually there.
 
Three men are on a skiing holiday; they go to check in at their hotel but are told that their rooms have been double booked, so they have to share. After a hard days skiing, the three of them settle down to sleep, all in one double bed.
The next morning the man on the left of the bed said "Last night I had a crazy dream; I dreamt i was being tossed off!"
The man on the right of the bed said, "Thats so wierd, I had exactly the same dream!!"
The man in the middle said "I dreamt I was skiing"
 
The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.



'May I help you, sir?' she asked.



'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.



'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.



'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.



Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.


Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.



Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.



The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings .'

'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
little Anthony

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.


All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Anthony was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Anthony aside. "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said,

"He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
 
While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He smiled and made the earth round.
 
Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
 
Be careful out there...



Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!
 
Let Me Know If This Works...

To combat the effects of CRS syndrome...
----------------

Superbrain Yoga® is a simple and effective technique to energize and recharge the brain. It is based on the principles of subtle energy and ear acupuncture. This powerful technique is explained in Master Choa Kok Sui's latest book Superbrain Yoga®.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=KSwhpF9iJSs
 
A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."



"Oy vey!" said the father. "What have I done?"



He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.



Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel , and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.



The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel . He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."



The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.



Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two men wearing hoodies arrived.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.

Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says

"Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."
Click to expand...
LMAO!
 
BusyAfternoon said:
A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey!" said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel , and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel . He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
Click to expand...


Ok, I really did laugh like hell at this one. Busy, thank you. I read this thread everyday and you are making my days a hell of a lot more fun.
 
Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's New Year's Eve Party. Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.


Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!! Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Dan asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....


"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .. PRICELESS
 
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