Opinions needed for a tough piece.

[lovecraft68]

If anyone remembers a couple of months back I started a couple of questions regarding a scene for my novel.

The scene in question involves a "meeting" of the group I created. During the scene I describe and juggle 12 characters. At one point there is sex between two of the members and I try to describe the scene as well as people's reactions to it.

I struggled with it, especially point of view, which may be the problem with this.

So I'm looking for fresh eyes and opinions on how I did with this. The grammar may have some issues, but as of right now this is in the hands of an editor so that will be corrected, I'm looking for feedback on the scene in general.

Its pretty long 22k and of course I cannot post it here. What I am offering is for anyone who is interested to send me a pm with an e-mail and I'll send it over.

You can respond with your thoughts either privately to me or post here, either way is fine, even if you think it sucks.

When I send it I'll provide a little bit of back ground so you're not "lost"

Any help is appreciated.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think a scene like this should be approached as a microcosm of the overall novel.

How many of those members are important to the rest of the story? Those are the ones that should be important in this scene.

Who are your protagonists? They should be your POV characters in this scene.

Do you describe these twelve characters in detail here, but ignore them in the rest of the story? If so-- ignore them in this scene as well.

Does that make sense?

 

[lovecraft68]

I think a scene like this should be approached as a microcosm of the overall novel.

How many of those members are important to the rest of the story? Those are the ones that should be important in this scene.

Who are your protagonists? They should be your POV characters in this scene.

Do you describe these twelve characters in detail here, but ignore them in the rest of the story? If so-- ignore them in this scene as well.

Does that make sense?

I describe everyone, then as the scene unfolds it focuses on pretty much three characters, but I keep the others "active" via dialogue and comments on what is going on, or that's what I hoped I did anyway.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I describe everyone, then as the scene unfolds it focuses on pretty much three characters, but I keep the others "active" via dialogue and comments on what is going on, or that's what I hoped I did anyway.

But are those others active in the rest of the novel?

 

[lovecraft68]

But are those others active in the rest of the novel?

5 out of the 12 factor into the rest of the novel. 2 more are featured in one chapter each, but at the meeting the focus is on the "big" 5

This does reflect in the scene there is more involvment with the main players dialogue and action wise. However, the 2 characters fucking are not major in the rest of the story.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

LOVEBOAT has made progress, no doubt about it.

 

[lovecraft68]

LOVEBOAT has made progress, no doubt about it.

Thanks JB!

 

[jomar]

Is this scene early on?

Why not describe the people relevant to the story elsewhere and simply note their presence. Those not relevant can get a quick brushing and then you can focus on the sexy and reactions.

 

[lovecraft68]

Is this scene early on?

Why not describe the people relevant to the story elsewhere and simply note their presence. Those not relevant can get a quick brushing and then you can focus on the sexy and reactions.

Scene is pretty much exactly midway. By then the reader has "met" 7 characters so their physical description has been taken care of. That way its not a total "laundry list" at the meeting there's only 5 members that need an intro.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Scene is pretty much exactly midway. By then the reader has "met" 7 characters so their physical description has been taken care of. That way its not a total "laundry list" at the meeting there's only 5 members that need an intro.

Don't bother intro-ing them. Let them be background noise. Cut out half the dialogue. (I'm saying this as rule of thumb stuff, not because I've read the scene)

I edit one writer and I make her delete one third by sheer word count, before I will even look at her files. I ask her "what purpose does this scene have?" And then I delete everything that has nothing to do with the purpose(s) which is ALWAYS at least another third. Ans sometimes she puts things back in, because she likes clutter and minutia.

So, ask yourself: what purpose does the scene have? Is it to move the plot forward, or provide a deeper understanding of the characters, or just as an excuse for the fucking?

 

[lovecraft68]

Don't bother intro-ing them. Let them be background noise. Cut out half the dialogue. (I'm saying this as rule of thumb stuff, not because I've read the scene)

I edit one writer and I make her delete one third by sheer word count, before I will even look at her files. I ask her "what purpose does this scene have?" And then I delete everything that has nothing to do with the purpose(s) which is ALWAYS at least another third. Ans sometimes she puts things back in, because she likes clutter and minutia.

So, ask yourself: what purpose does the scene have? Is it to move the plot forward, or provide a deeper understanding of the characters, or just as an excuse for the fucking?

Interesting. Well the scene here, to me anyway, is significant to more than just this book.

This is a (fingers crossed to pull it off) trilogy. So this first meeting is the readers first glimpse into one of their meetings and what goes on there. So its more an understanding of what they do than an intro to a particular person, its more focused on the group itself. I guess a good way to put it, is this book lays a lot of ground work, covering things that will never have to be covered again in future works.

Because its halfway and has been discussed and built up prior, I feel the need for more than a quickie, but the point of this thread was to garner some feedback on what I'm doing right/wrong.

Three have looked so far. One has not gotten back yet the other two had mostly positive things to say.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sounds okay, then.

 

[RodenAddison]

Sent you some notes. If all the characters are important enough to introduce them all in one shot, would it be possible to simply give the new initiate a list of phone numbers and positions within the organization? It would seem an organization like this would need to be able to communicate freely among its members anyway, so why not a simple list.

It could be on a thumb drive in an encrypted file. Then it's all in one place. Maybe place the list inside a block quote where it would stand out and readers could look back at it when needed?