My little poem for today - comments?

[mynameisben]

the flower

the flower is
the written mind
that tumbles in the glen
and languishes
in languages
of dreams that matter when
we die

– mynameisben

 

[Tzara]

the flower

the flower is
the written mind
that tumbles in the glen
and languishes
in languages
of dreams that matter when
we die

– mynameisben

Cute light verse, but the ending is a little abrupt.

 

[Angeline]

What Tzara said. I liked it till the last two lines. They seem too heavy for the rest of the poem and that makes the "when" rhyme sound forced. I'd take out a few words. I'd also read some of Piet Hein's Grooks. Your poem reminded me of them.

 

[HeteroFlexible]

Very Coffee House

I can dig it. Thumbs up!

 

[mynameisben]

What Tzara said. I liked it till the last two lines. They seem too heavy for the rest of the poem and that makes the "when" rhyme sound forced. I'd take out a few words. I'd also read some of Piet Hein's Grooks. Your poem reminded me of them.

I guess the "too heavy" take on the last two words of the poem is one of those glass half empty things. There are multiple valid ways to interpret the last three words of the poem.

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

 

[mynameisben]

I can dig it. Thumbs up!

Thanks!

 

[greenmountaineer]

the flower

the flower is
the written mind
that tumbles in the glen
and languishes
in languages
of dreams that matter when
we die

– mynameisben

If - mynameisben is the last line of the poem (I think it is.), I don't think the ending's abrupt, given what precedes it: of dreams that matter when/we die

That said, I would have removed the doubt because it's your Literotica name. I would have ended it

of dreams that matter when
we die.

My name is Ben.

 

[BooMerengue]

I wouldn't change anything but would drop the last 2 lines and end it there. Let people wonder what/when you meant and allow them to spin it their way. Also by eliminating them you repair your rhyme scheme. Not always important I know. I'm jus' sayin. I think it a nice little poem. imho.