Naked fertile girl survives using her wits in "A Fairy Tale"

[PurpleMonkeyDishwash]

I submitted my newest story "A Fairy Tale" recently (http://www.literotica.com/s/a-fairy-tale-3). In it, I was hoping to explore some sexy concepts about a powerful woman who teases and takes advantage of (in a sense) a lot of men. I also wanted to explore some things about vore (she eats the flesh of talking animals who try to help her) and some humiliation with a son she has who not only watches her jack off men and swallow their cum all day, but ends up helping a big black warrior man rescue and fuck her and then impregnate her as his queen.

However, the few people I sent it to for review described it as possibly not erotic enough, which surprised me, because I was overwhelmed with some of the themes when writing it, and in rereading it. I of course know to take criticism lightly and I don't let readers dictate what I write, but I would really appreciate some discussion of the story and where it went right and wrong and how I can better communicate these themes in the future.

 

[Electronichippy]

Im into impregnantion, pregnant sex and incest. If I can help with your story, drop me a line

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Might be that the particular kinks on show in the story weren't their kind of thing. I know vore certainly isn't mine...

Perhaps show it to a few more people and see if you can get a wider spread of opinion.

 

[PurpleMonkeyDishwash]

Might be that the particular kinks on show in the story weren't their kind of thing. I know vore certainly isn't mine...

Perhaps show it to a few more people and see if you can get a wider spread of opinion.

How do I send it to more people? My idea of that was to make this thread, but I found it to be not very helpful since so few respond.

 

[kuellar]

I had a look at the story and I have a few thoughts. Now all of this is just my opinion, but the first thing that struck me is that the way the plot progresses seems to raise a lot of questions. I know the title is "A Fairy Tale", but even so there are a lot of things that don't seem to add up. Perhaps this is why some of your reviewers had trouble with the story.

For example, just in the first few paragraphs

- Why does the King not take her for a concubine, if she's so stunningly beautiful that every man in the land longs to be with her, to the extent that even the King has heard of her beauty? Especially since it's implied that the Queen isn't much to look at...
- Even if for some reason the King doesn't want to have her for himself, and only wants to protect her, does he really think locking her in a big open cage for everyone to see is a good idea? Surely there are better ways to "protect" her from the townsfolk!
- If word gets to the King of how beautiful the maiden is, why does word not get to the King that he's "accidentally" locked her in the pen with no food? Would he really forget about her so completely?
- If the spaces between the bars are large enough to admit a "big" rabbit (large enough for its pelt to cover her breasts?) and planks of "thick" oakwood, is it really that safe? Maybe the maiden with her large breasts may not be able to squeeze out, but some of the slimmer men in the town should conceivably be able to squeeze in.
- Would she really have been able to build a bed, with a private enclosure? That would require more than just wood and fabric - she'd need things like hammer and nails, needles for stitching the pillows, and so on. And with all that stuff could she not have tried to escape? (In fact I think that's another problem: it's never really clear whether she wants to escape, or if she's happy staying in the pen, or if she just accepts it and doesn't even consider the possibility of escape...)
- Why does the maiden suddenly develop a taste for cum? Maybe this seems like a strange question, but I think this is a really important point in the story. This is the point where she basically becomes who she's going to be for the rest of the story, and I think it deserves some more time. Take us through her thoughts, show us why she finds it so exciting to "handle" all these men and slurp up their cum. I fact I think that's largely why I have trouble getting into this story: I don't feel like I really know anything about the protagonist, and I really can't relate to her or her "predicament" in any way.

I know it may seem like I'm being way too picky; and I know in a fairy tale it's usually common to ignore such inconsistensies. But I guess that's my main gripe with this: it seems like it's meant to be a fairy tale but right from the beginning it doesn't FEEL like a fairy tale. I dunno, maybe I have this impression of fairy tales as being kind of innocent, and this is a bit too perverse (not just the plot, but the terminology as well - phrases like "sticky cum" and "bouncy breasts" just don't seem to fit with talking rabbits and imprisoned maidens), which makes it seem incongruous to me. Whatever it is, I can't help having all these questions, which spoil my enjoyment of the story. I think fairy tales for the most part work because they often have a "whimsical" tone (even the darker ones) which sort of keeps the focus away from the finer details. Here the whole thing just doesn't seem to fit - I think I understand what you were going for with this opening setup, but it just doesn't seem convincing. That could be just me though.

If I had to make a suggestion, I would say that I think the concepts you mention would be better served with a little more time to really flesh out the situation. More details of the maiden, her past, her thoughts, her struggles such as they are; perhaps even more details of the kingdom, the townsfolk and how they respond to the presence of this beautiful maiden (perhaps their reaction ranges beyond simply gathering at the gate of her pen and ejaculating into it)... and so on. The "humiliation" that you mention seems very low-key to me; perhaps you could spend more time on the son and his thoughts and feelings. I guess you may have deliberately avoided this sort of detail, but in my opinion that just makes it really hard to properly enjoy the story. The themes may have overwhelmed you as you wrote, but if they're not fully communicated it's hard for your readers to be overwhelmed.

Anyway, those are my thoughts as I read this. Hope it helps; good luck and happy writing!

 

[rosco rathbone]

Hilarious, weird tale. This is the only kind of erotic fiction I can be bothered to read.

 

[PurpleMonkeyDishwash]

I know it may seem like I'm being way too picky; and I know in a fairy tale it's usually common to ignore such inconsistensies. But I guess that's my main gripe with this: it seems like it's meant to be a fairy tale but right from the beginning it doesn't FEEL like a fairy tale. I dunno, maybe I have this impression of fairy tales as being kind of innocent, and this is a bit too perverse (not just the plot, but the terminology as well - phrases like "sticky cum" and "bouncy breasts" just don't seem to fit with talking rabbits and imprisoned maidens), which makes it seem incongruous to me. Whatever it is, I can't help having all these questions, which spoil my enjoyment of the story. I think fairy tales for the most part work because they often have a "whimsical" tone (even the darker ones) which sort of keeps the focus away from the finer details. Here the whole thing just doesn't seem to fit - I think I understand what you were going for with this opening setup, but it just doesn't seem convincing. That could be just me though.

If I had to make a suggestion, I would say that I think the concepts you mention would be better served with a little more time to really flesh out the situation. More details of the maiden, her past, her thoughts, her struggles such as they are; perhaps even more details of the kingdom, the townsfolk and how they respond to the presence of this beautiful maiden (perhaps their reaction ranges beyond simply gathering at the gate of her pen and ejaculating into it)... and so on. The "humiliation" that you mention seems very low-key to me; perhaps you could spend more time on the son and his thoughts and feelings. I guess you may have deliberately avoided this sort of detail, but in my opinion that just makes it really hard to properly enjoy the story. The themes may have overwhelmed you as you wrote, but if they're not fully communicated it's hard for your readers to be overwhelmed.

Anyway, those are my thoughts as I read this. Hope it helps; good luck and happy writing!

I understand the qualms about the realism of it. You're right, it should either be a fairy tale and sounds like one, or sound like a real story does and bring with that the logistical concerns that real stories have. However, my concern with this story was not so much any of that, but whether it was arousing or not. Is there successful humiliation in the maiden's treatment of her son and the animals? In what ways could that be enhanced? That was my main concern, though I'm so glad you pointed out those others.

The part that really got to me was the animals. I loved the way she had no regard for their lust or their well being and ate them so cruelly. For me, I saw myself in those animals, and they had to submit to her awesome sexuality and strength. The son and the bull part was standard fare, and yes, it did take a back seat to the threat that if you were one of these horny animals, though you wanted to mate with the maiden, she might actually eat and kill you instead! Every day, as she so willingly serviced these human men, you as an animal had to hide and watch discreetly because your lust could lead to your death. That threat, to me, was what was overwhelming and I'd like to focus on why that wasn't so well conveyed.

Hilarious, weird tale. This is the only kind of erotic fiction I can be bothered to read.

Thank you! That's one of the best things anyone has said to me about my writing.

 

[kuellar]

That threat, to me, was what was overwhelming and I'd like to focus on why that wasn't so well conveyed.

Ah, I see. I have to say that didn't really occur to me at all while I was reading this. I guess it was a bit too subtle for me - for instance, we only see two animals coming to the maiden and being eaten (the rabbit and the duck). Perhaps you could show a couple more, and imply some sort of escalation - with each animal developing more and more complex methods to try to get her to accommodate them, and each failure inflaming both the other animals' lust for the maiden and their fear of her. Perhaps it even gets to the point where the animals are willing to sacrifice one of their own to gain the maiden's favour - although this would have to occur when she was low on supplies.

Also, you mention the animals befriending the son to gain access to his mother, but we never really see their desperation. We - or at least, I - never get a handle on their longing, and I think that's why the humiliation doesn't come across for me. It's also never really made clear why the maiden doesn't service the animals as she does the human men - because the animals have no supplies to offer her, other than their own flesh. I think that detail is quite integral, because it shows the disparity between what the animals want from her and what she wants from them.

I suppose what I'm saying comes down again to including more detail in the story. Again though, this is my opinion; perhaps someone who's more in tune with these and similar ideas of humiliation will arrive at those concepts you mentioned from the story as it is. But for me, and some of your other readers I'm sure - we need to be led there a bit more directly!

 

[PurpleMonkeyDishwash]

Ah, I see. I have to say that didn't really occur to me at all while I was reading this. I guess it was a bit too subtle for me - for instance, we only see two animals coming to the maiden and being eaten (the rabbit and the duck). Perhaps you could show a couple more, and imply some sort of escalation - with each animal developing more and more complex methods to try to get her to accommodate them, and each failure inflaming both the other animals' lust for the maiden and their fear of her. Perhaps it even gets to the point where the animals are willing to sacrifice one of their own to gain the maiden's favour - although this would have to occur when she was low on supplies.

Also, you mention the animals befriending the son to gain access to his mother, but we never really see their desperation. We - or at least, I - never get a handle on their longing, and I think that's why the humiliation doesn't come across for me. It's also never really made clear why the maiden doesn't service the animals as she does the human men - because the animals have no supplies to offer her, other than their own flesh. I think that detail is quite integral, because it shows the disparity between what the animals want from her and what she wants from them.

I suppose what I'm saying comes down again to including more detail in the story. Again though, this is my opinion; perhaps someone who's more in tune with these and similar ideas of humiliation will arrive at those concepts you mentioned from the story as it is. But for me, and some of your other readers I'm sure - we need to be led there a bit more directly!

Oh wow, I absolutely love these ideas! This is perfect, thank you.

 

[kuellar]

Oh wow, I absolutely love these ideas! This is perfect, thank you.

No problem, glad I could help!