How to comfort a parent?

[Saxon Stonedyke]

My mother walked out on my father several months ago after 49 years of marriage. He realizes it's over and there is no hope for reconciliation after the things she did but I still walk in to find him crying from time to time.

My big problem is that he raised ME to never cry, ever, for any reason and now that Dad is nearly 70 and I am nearly 50 I find myself faced with his tears. I know that yelling and calling him a candy ass like he did to me all my life is not the solution. I just honestly do not know how to handle a crying male and certainly not HIM crying.

If it was a female I'd offer a hug but if I try to hug this old Marine he is likely to shoot me. So how am I supposed to react? How do men deal with other men when one cries?

 

[nakdsub]

Why do you have to deal with it...

If the old Marine wants to cry...let him. You might look in on him once in awhile and just ask if there is anything you can do, but my guess is he will say no.

I know, it takes a very long time to get over those feelings and there isn't anything that can be said to make them go away, so just let him cry and stop judging him.

When you were young he tried to make you a man the only way he knew how, now let him be a man the only way he knows how.

 

[njlauren]

We do anything we can do to make the guy know we are there for them, we try to spend as much time as we can with him and talk and listen (well, least that is what I would do; I suspect ex marine buddies would either go out on a tear and get drunk, or take him to the gym and beat each other bloody in the boxing ring. I think being there for him is important, knowing that whatever shit his world is going to you love him, he's your dad. I would recommend not talking about your mom unless he talks about it or trying to take sides, just simply let him know you love him and that is what matters, that you need him, I think that will go a long way. He may try to isolate himself if he follows the pattern some people i know did (seems endemic with tough as shoe leather ex military types), don't let him, make sure he doesn't retreat into his shell to suffer, it is too easy to do that and it makes it worse IMO. He probably faced really tough stuff in the Marines, but this probably is the roughest thing for him to face, most military guys I know would rather take out an artillery position with a pop gun then get their heart broken, they can deal with the former, the latter breaks them.

I have to be honest, on a more personal note, that this really kind of threw me for a loop, that a couple together so long could come apart like that (I can only imagine how it feels for you, do you have your own support network,if you are going to help him, you need to be strong, too), your mom must have really done something for it to blow apart like that.....my sympathies to both you and your dad.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

If the old Marine wants to cry...let him. You might look in on him once in awhile and just ask if there is anything you can do, but my guess is he will say no.

I know, it takes a very long time to get over those feelings and there isn't anything that can be said to make them go away, so just let him cry and stop judging him.

When you were young he tried to make you a man the only way he knew how, now let him be a man the only way he knows how.

I don't know could it be the woman in me that thinks I have to comfort him in some manner? I'm butch, yeah, and I've never been a mother but I just feel like I should do something, say something, heck I don't know.

He lives next door and he keep his half on the intercom system between houses on voice activation so that if he falls (he is in a wheelchair) I will hear him yell. For the most part I run when I am called and show up at meal and medication times to make sure he has what he needs.

 

[Noor]

My mother walked out on my father several months ago after 49 years of marriage. He realizes it's over and there is no hope for reconciliation after the things she did but I still walk in to find him crying from time to time.

My big problem is that he raised ME to never cry, ever, for any reason and now that Dad is nearly 70 and I am nearly 50 I find myself faced with his tears. I know that yelling and calling him a candy ass like he did to me all my life is not the solution. I just honestly do not know how to handle a crying male and certainly not HIM crying.

If it was a female I'd offer a hug but if I try to hug this old Marine he is likely to shoot me. So how am I supposed to react? How do men deal with other men when one cries?

I have a friend who is one of those tough cookies who has been crying a fair amount lately. He has real reason to cry but still its hard to know what to do. Usually we pretend like it isn't happening. I try and distract him, and get him talking about something that is not tear invoking. I guess I should feel flattered that he feels safe crying in front of me, but usually it just wipes me out.

I am a female and I don't think a hug will help, although it seems to help women who are crying. For some reason, the universe has seen fit to let me around badly hurting crying people these past couple months.

I would say consider why he is crying and if there is anything can be done to change the situation, short of death or abuse, most relationships can be mended if both parties want to. If he is crying because he is depressed or sad, see if you can get him walking, 45 mins a day is supposed to do almost as well as many antidepressants.

Good Luck!

Ps. sometimes I just hand them tissues and a cup of tea.

 

[njlauren]

MoJo-
He probably won't take well to being comforted, though you could try giving him a hug and telling him you love him. If your dad is like I think he is, it is kind of like when a cat gets sick, they don't make a big show if it like dogs often do, they crawl off into a corner someplace to get better, and as I wrote just before, one of the important things IMO is to make sure he doesn't crawl into his shell, if he has a routine, if he has friends he sees, make sure he keeps doing that. Also, if he has any close buddies, when the time is right (it might be too raw right now), try to get them involved, too.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

Thanks, Y'all. I'd take him out on a bender but neither of us can drink because of medications, he is on a wheelbarrow full of crap and I take BP meds.

Their marriage was bad for a good 15 years before it blew up. Back in January I went over there when he didn't answer his cell and my mother was sitting on the front porch smoking. When I asked what was up with Dad she said " I don't know, he is asleep, he wasn't making good sense last night and he yelled at me." I went through the door to find him unconscious, he had aspirated, his airways were blocked and his oxygen cannula was not even on his face. It was all I could do to get the woman to call 911 while I attempted to clear his airways and get some oxygen in him. We both believe she intended to let him die.

When that didn't work she told their home health nurse that my father had shot at her during an argument in an attempt to get him committed. He made me his health care agent several years ago so she could not do that. She ended up having my uncle take her to an abused women's shelter.

Dad filed for divorce and a restraining order because at this point we don't know that she wouldn't do something more drastic than she already has. I think the true issue is that now that he is in the wheel chair full time and on oxygen (she smokes) he was just too much trouble for her to deal with.

As for my support network. We lost the home health company because she told them he was dangerous and had shot at her. Even though his gun had not been fired, there are no bullet holes anywhere in the house and I did not hear a shot they will not come back. I am on my own other than his doctors and the VA psychiatrist.

 

[Noor]

Thanks, Y'all. I'd take him out on a bender but neither of us can drink because of medications, he is on a wheelbarrow full of crap and I take BP meds.

Their marriage was bad for a good 15 years before it blew up. Back in January I went over there when he didn't answer his cell and my mother was sitting on the front porch smoking. When I asked what was up with Dad she said " I don't know, he is asleep, he wasn't making good sense last night and he yelled at me." I went through the door to find him unconscious, he had aspirated, his airways were blocked and his oxygen cannula was not even on his face. It was all I could do to get the woman to call 911 while I attempted to clear his airways and get some oxygen in him. We both believe she intended to let him die.

When that didn't work she told their home health nurse that my father had shot at her during an argument in an attempt to get him committed. He made me his health care agent several years ago so she could not do that. She ended up having my uncle take her to an abused women's shelter.

Dad filed for divorce and a restraining order because at this point we don't know that she wouldn't do something more drastic than she already has. I think the true issue is that now that he is in the wheel chair full time and on oxygen (she smokes) he was just too much trouble for her to deal with.

As for my support network. We lost the home health company because she told them he was dangerous and had shot at her. Even though his gun had not been fired, there are no bullet holes anywhere in the house and I did not hear a shot they will not come back. I am on my own other than his doctors and the VA psychiatrist.

Ok, that sounds like definite abuse and how horrible for him.

Get a new home health care company?

 

[Bramblethorn]

If it was a female I'd offer a hug but if I try to hug this old Marine he is likely to shoot me. So how am I supposed to react? How do men deal with other men when one cries?

I don't know if it's an option, but you might try looking up some of his Marine buddies (if you can find them) and let them know he's having a rough time. They might have a better idea of how to approach him. One way or another, social contact is important; my father's never been an outgoing type, but after my mother died one of our neighbours conscripted him into a weekly card game and I think it did him a lot of good.

Crying in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. When you lose somebody who's been part of your life for years it's natural to grieve, whether it's through death or a break-up. It's been almost four years since I split from my ex, the last year of the relationship was completely dysfunctional, I have plenty of good friends in my life to distract me, and I still feel the occasional twinge. You're supposed to cry about that shit.

 

[gxnn]

Mojo 48,
Leave him alone for a while. He needs to be alone to look back on the past which he shared with a woman for such a long time to reivew whether it is good or bad with your mother.
Parents are expected to know more about life than their children, so it is very inappropriate for the young to say anything to the elder, especially when he does not want others to see his other side.
But as a child, you should stand by and watch, if there is anything wrong, you can be available and give your help, but it is unnecessary for you to give comment.
If your dad had shared a happy life with your mother, he should not have cried so sorrowly, if their marriage had been bad, it is not for you to dig into it. Love or no love, that is the secret between the man and the wife. The sons or daughters cannot fully understand the relationship between their parents because it had existed long before the children were born.

Let your father know that without your mother at hand there is still someone who cares, that is enough.

I may have made my point clear enough with my Chinese-style English. Hope it helps.
have a nice weekend!

 

[Cattypuss]

Colleague of mine once started to cry in the office while talking to me about a bereavement. I could see she was both mortified*** and unable to stop. I casually pushed a box of tissues across my desk to her while continuing to listen and speak matter-of-factly to her.

A couple of months later she came up to me and thanked me for recognising her need (a) for tissues and (b) for the fact that she was crying not to be made any kind of big deal of.

Which just goes to show - sometimes the little things mean a lot.


(*** do not underestimate the mortification. This was a British, old-school, very stiff-upper-lipped minor aristocrat (literally) who didn't even know me that well).

 

[Paul_Chance]

Chesty Puller Cried Every Night.

When I have been in circumstances where another man has cried, for whatever the reason, I've always took the approach of just "being there" - sitting with them, letting them cry, and then encouraging them to talk about it. After they had cried themselves out, I would prime the pump by telling them a story or two about the times I've cried and telling them its okay to cry. I have a good sense of humor, which I use to coax them to open up. When the time was right (after they were done crying), I would say somethign like "It's okay to cry, real men cry. Chesty Puller, what a cry baby, bawled every night." LOL - to a Marine that is a blasphemous image, which always seems to appeal to them. On the serious side - just being there is the best thing you can do - take a book over, take a movie over, take a sandwich - and just be there.

 

[NomadLady]

I moved in with my mom to take care of her after her husband died....I knew her zeal for life died right along with him and that her health issues would not improve. You just have to let them know that you are there for them, remind them you are there, BE PRESENT in the moments when you are with them and let things happen as they will. You can't change their perception of what life has done to/with them but you can be there to listen if/when they want to talk.

 

[njlauren]

Thanks, Y'all. I'd take him out on a bender but neither of us can drink because of medications, he is on a wheelbarrow full of crap and I take BP meds.

Their marriage was bad for a good 15 years before it blew up. Back in January I went over there when he didn't answer his cell and my mother was sitting on the front porch smoking. When I asked what was up with Dad she said " I don't know, he is asleep, he wasn't making good sense last night and he yelled at me." I went through the door to find him unconscious, he had aspirated, his airways were blocked and his oxygen cannula was not even on his face. It was all I could do to get the woman to call 911 while I attempted to clear his airways and get some oxygen in him. We both believe she intended to let him die.

When that didn't work she told their home health nurse that my father had shot at her during an argument in an attempt to get him committed. He made me his health care agent several years ago so she could not do that. She ended up having my uncle take her to an abused women's shelter.

Dad filed for divorce and a restraining order because at this point we don't know that she wouldn't do something more drastic than she already has. I think the true issue is that now that he is in the wheel chair full time and on oxygen (she smokes) he was just too much trouble for her to deal with.

As for my support network. We lost the home health company because she told them he was dangerous and had shot at her. Even though his gun had not been fired, there are no bullet holes anywhere in the house and I did not hear a shot they will not come back. I am on my own other than his doctors and the VA psychiatrist.

Mojo-
I agree with others, if you can get another home health care company and if you get wind of your mom spreading false crap about your dad hitting her get yourself a lawyer. If they investigated and found no proof that his gun had been fired or signs of bullet holes or whatever, it is an unsubstantiated allegation. The fact that you have a restraining order against her might weight into this (I am not a lawyer or in law enforcement), restraining orders are usually to keep away from someone physically, but what she is doing could be considered a form of harassment I would think (again, not a lawyer). I don't know much about the VA, but maybe they could recommend a home health care company they deal with....were they paying for the home health care? If so, you may be able to enlist the psychiatrist to advocate for your dad...the other thing is, if the VA was paying for it, don't discount calling your local congressional office if the VA isn't helpful, that is the meat and potatoes of any congressman, it is why they have offices and staff, your dad is a veteran and I can't think of any congressman who would not go to bat for them.

When I read the initial post I didn't know how rough a shape he was in and that, too, would tend to lend credence against him being that abusive, doesn't sound like he could do that very effectively given the shape he is in.

When I meant support network I wasn't referring to home health care per se (though he should have that), I was talking about friends and others simply to be able to talk to about things. Maybe it is the age I am at (in my late 40's) but it is a time when a lot of us are dealing with issues of aging parents, being caregivers, and one of the biggest helps is simply having people to talk to about it, who will listen and understand. I dealt with this with my mother in law, who was mentally ill to start with (undiagnosed, prob paranoid schizophrenic) who was there from the time I met my spouse when we were 19, and once we were out on our own as adults after school she was a constant presence/problem, and then about 12 years ago it became a lot more then that, long, tired story, as she spiraled down and down......not made any better because she was not a nice person, she was domineering, demanding and that was just the tip of the iceberg.....and we had to deal with it, it was constant. It hit my spouse more then myself, so I was in effect her support network, but it took its toll on both of us and we didn't really have that base,but reaching out to the few people we had made a big difference. Given that you are in the middle of this and his prime caregiver, you need support as well IME, and that is what I was referring to.


If your dad has any old Marine buddies as well as regular friends and maybe family, it is important he be around people. Marines are a funny bunch, in many ways the stereotypes are true IME, they do take care of their own, and I suspect there may be people willing to step in and keep up his spirits.

It is probably even worse in your dad's case. Even for someone who had a wife leave them under bitter circumstances who is in average health would be wiped out, to have that happen when you are also in poor health is much worse IMO, because you are not only abandoned but you don't have the strength you might have (with men, that is a big, big deal, the whole culture of being strong, of being self reliant, is still a big, big part of the culture, even among non Marines......). He needs people around him to remind him he is still loved and people care for him.

I wish you luck, if it would be of help feel free to PM me, I don't know how much help I could give you, if anything but a place to vent.

 

[Ldy_Sea]

MoJo

Ther is a story that is apropos here

A elderly man who just lost his wife is sitting on his porch alone. A young boy from the neighborhood see's him and climbs into his lap.

When the boy's mom asked whay he was doing wth the neighbor, the boy said "Nothing, I just sat there and helped him cry."

Your dad is going through teh grieveing process. It takes time. There will be tears, anger, depression, and much more. Be there for him, let him know you love him, keep him active. Do not let him spend a lot of time alone to wallow. If you think it's needed have a grief counselor talk to him.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

Thanks again everyone. Dad alternates between saying we need to find ourselves a good whore house and crying over Mom. I'm doing my best to be there for him as much as he will let me. It just totally freaks me out when he cries because he taught me to never do that.

He had a visit to the hospital for tests Friday and it's a 60 mile drive. For some reason the man loves the band Enigma. I played their music through out the drive and he was chair dancing in the passenger seat and telling me "Old Pops still has it going on!"

Most of the family wants nothing to do with me because I am gay and it's pretty much the same with most of the people around town. They are nice, they will call if they need ME but I don't feel like I actually have any friends.

He has an appointment with his shrink at the VA clinic at the beginning of the month I'm going to try and get her to suggest some sort of support group for him. He always enjoys sitting in the waiting room at the VA clinic talking to all the old war horses.

I have an appointment with his primary care Doc Tuesday to try and get him with another Home Health Company and maybe get some full time staff once in a while so I can have time out.

I'm working on what I can and trying to be supportive it's just hard to know how supportive I can get away with since he is supposed to be a big tough Jarhead

 

[Ldy_Sea]

He always enjoys sitting in the waiting room at the VA clinic talking to all the old war horses.

Mybe He should join VFW, AMVETS or another similiar grooup to keep active

 

[Pictavia]

I don't know what is available over there but near here we have an ex-servicemens care home who look after disabled or limbless guys. It seems ideal for many of them as they can understand each other and have companionship. Your dad sounds like an ideal candidate for a place like that if one were available.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

I don't know what is available over there but near here we have an ex-servicemens care home who look after disabled or limbless guys. It seems ideal for many of them as they can understand each other and have companionship. Your dad sounds like an ideal candidate for a place like that if one were available.

I am looking into making arrangements for that in the event that something happens to me. I am all he has right now so if something happens he will have to do that. A few weeks ago my ass hit the ground, I couldn't breathe and was uncontrollably dry heaving. All I could think about on the ambulance ride was who would take care of him if it was a heart attack. They found I had inner ear infections in both ears and that stress and exhaustion had set off an asthma attack.

He needs to stay home as long as possible because he does some tinkering around the house, woodworking and such and he has a small dog that means the world to him. I think if I put him somewhere like that he would just curl up and die.

He is a member of VFW and a Disabled American Vets thing of some sort but all they ever do is send requests for donations. We always donate but I've not seen an actual person...

I'll do what I can here as long as possible. He has great insurance through VA and medicare so once we can find another home health company I should have some relief. As for moral support I'd much rather go with something his Psychiatrist recommends. Driving him an hour each way for appointments isn't a picnic but if he needs it I will do it.

Not only am I all he has, he is also all I have. I'll not be sending him to some nursing home to rot away.

 

[SweetErika]

My grandpa was a WWII Vet and spent the last year of his life in a VA care facility/home. I'm sure there's variation, but apparently it was the best facility available and he got amazing care there.

I'd suggest checking into it to see if your dad is eligible, and if so, visiting to make sure he'd be well cared for and have a good quality of life there.

Also, put together a clear plan and make sure you have a back-up person for yourself who could provide interim care and make arrangements for your dad in the event you're incapacitated. Who would you trust to take care of your business and move your dad into a good facility? If those are two separate people, make sure they both know about each other and what the general plan is. It's never a bad idea to put a "kit" together that specifies what you want/need if you are incapacitated, on life support with little to no hope of recovery, contact info, where your dad should go, what should be done with your stuff and how you want your final arrangements handled if you pass away.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

The veterans homes in this area are known for their horror stories. We pay a little extra when he needs hospital care just to keep him away from the VA hospital in Mountain Home because it's known for medical mix ups and raging infections. Like the last well known incident when they were not properly cleaning their equipment between colonoscopy patients and exposed hundreds to Hep C and Aids. He has talked of signing everything over to me and going into a home but it wouldn't be the best for him and I won't let him do it just because it would be easier for me.

At the moment he is next door trying to turn his dremel tool with flex shaft, Mom's old tupperware cake plate and a small water pump from a decorative fountain into a water cooled drill so he can drill holes in the stones he ran through his rock polisher. It's important to him to be able to do things like that and he couldn't in that setting.

I've got a living will, will, DNR order and everything set up for me but I don't have anyone to use as back up. He has two brothers, one of which is an Alzheimers patient and the other won't have anything to do with either of us because I am gay.

When I go tomorrow to his primary care Doc I am going to try to set up with them things to be set in motion if I die, like nursing home or home care and anything else needed. That is all I know I can do since we are effectively a family of two.

Edited to add that though I hate to sound like a hater it is a hell of a thing that my uncle and his family will not have anything to do with my father because I am a lesbian. What does what I do in my bedroom have to do with his own brothers welfare?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Edited to add that though I hate to sound like a hater it is a hell of a thing that my uncle and his family will not have anything to do with my father because I am a lesbian. What does what I do in my bedroom have to do with his own brothers welfare?

No, no, you don't sound like a hater. That's fucked up even by homophobic standards :-(

 

[njlauren]

The veterans homes in this area are known for their horror stories. We pay a little extra when he needs hospital care just to keep him away from the VA hospital in Mountain Home because it's known for medical mix ups and raging infections. Like the last well known incident when they were not properly cleaning their equipment between colonoscopy patients and exposed hundreds to Hep C and Aids. He has talked of signing everything over to me and going into a home but it wouldn't be the best for him and I won't let him do it just because it would be easier for me.

At the moment he is next door trying to turn his dremel tool with flex shaft, Mom's old tupperware cake plate and a small water pump from a decorative fountain into a water cooled drill so he can drill holes in the stones he ran through his rock polisher. It's important to him to be able to do things like that and he couldn't in that setting.

I've got a living will, will, DNR order and everything set up for me but I don't have anyone to use as back up. He has two brothers, one of which is an Alzheimers patient and the other won't have anything to do with either of us because I am gay.

When I go tomorrow to his primary care Doc I am going to try to set up with them things to be set in motion if I die, like nursing home or home care and anything else needed. That is all I know I can do since we are effectively a family of two.

Edited to add that though I hate to sound like a hater it is a hell of a thing that my uncle and his family will not have anything to do with my father because I am a lesbian. What does what I do in my bedroom have to do with his own brothers welfare?

You aren't a hater, quite honestly his family are the haters, it is why I find the whole claim by religious people that they hate the sin and love the sinner to be a load of complete bullshit (and sorry, folks, that kind of hatred of gays is generally the handiwork of so called 'loving' members of religious faiths). They wonder why people of faith are cast as knuckle draggers and vicious rednecks and haters, this is one of the reasons why (I apologize for the rant, doesn't help you MoJo, I know...).

One thing for your sake, all you can do is the best you can do and what I worry about is if you start second guessing yourself about what you can do for him, you love him, he knows that I think, and that goes a long, long way towards helping him. Likewise through bitter experience with alienated family members (over a number of things), please don't blame yourself for the way the rest of the family treats you guys, I went through that myself, I blamed myself for certain things, until a very wise woman who was my therapist pointed out that to someone outside, as with your dad, most people would point to their behavior and say they were the people who should be ashamed, not yourself (in my case, I actually talked to people about my situation, people who might not even particularly like who I am or what I was doing, and most of them in fact did take the position that they were the ones acting like crap, not myself, for judging and otherwise forgetting what they were supposed to do.

I kind of wish I lived closer, your dad sounds like an interesting guy with his hobbies and such, plus despite being one of the most non military people you could imagine (If I ever went in the military, I would prob spend my life in the stockade for insubordination), I have a lot of respect for people who have served and serve and they deserve anything I can do to help. All I can do is send my healing energy and prayers your way that it works out to the best it can for both of you

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

You aren't a hater, quite honestly his family are the haters, it is why I find the whole claim by religious people that they hate the sin and love the sinner to be a load of complete bullshit (and sorry, folks, that kind of hatred of gays is generally the handiwork of so called 'loving' members of religious faiths). They wonder why people of faith are cast as knuckle draggers and vicious rednecks and haters, this is one of the reasons why (I apologize for the rant, doesn't help you MoJo, I know...).

One thing for your sake, all you can do is the best you can do and what I worry about is if you start second guessing yourself about what you can do for him, you love him, he knows that I think, and that goes a long, long way towards helping him. Likewise through bitter experience with alienated family members (over a number of things), please don't blame yourself for the way the rest of the family treats you guys, I went through that myself, I blamed myself for certain things, until a very wise woman who was my therapist pointed out that to someone outside, as with your dad, most people would point to their behavior and say they were the people who should be ashamed, not yourself (in my case, I actually talked to people about my situation, people who might not even particularly like who I am or what I was doing, and most of them in fact did take the position that they were the ones acting like crap, not myself, for judging and otherwise forgetting what they were supposed to do.

I kind of wish I lived closer, your dad sounds like an interesting guy with his hobbies and such, plus despite being one of the most non military people you could imagine (If I ever went in the military, I would prob spend my life in the stockade for insubordination), I have a lot of respect for people who have served and serve and they deserve anything I can do to help. All I can do is send my healing energy and prayers your way that it works out to the best it can for both of you

Thank you. I can deal with the care at the moment though I realize it might not always be the case, as I am already ran ragged. It freaks me out when he cries but I can live with it, I just have to learn how to react properly. I can deal with the homophobia as it relates to me personally. I just fail to see how it should reflect on him. He may have had an influence on my being a butch but I would have been a lesbian if he had raised me to wear a tutu and carry a fairy wand. I can't help but be a little angry about it.

 

[SweetErika]

The veterans homes in this area are known for their horror stories. We pay a little extra when he needs hospital care just to keep him away from the VA hospital in Mountain Home because it's known for medical mix ups and raging infections. Like the last well known incident when they were not properly cleaning their equipment between colonoscopy patients and exposed hundreds to Hep C and Aids. He has talked of signing everything over to me and going into a home but it wouldn't be the best for him and I won't let him do it just because it would be easier for me.

No pun intended, but holy shit!

I've heard the VA homes vary wildly. I guess we're lucky enough to live in an area with a really good one, but I've certainly heard the horror stories about others.

On another note, you sound like an exceptional daughter and your dad is incredibly fortunate to have a child who prioritizes his quality of life over convenience.

At the moment he is next door trying to turn his dremel tool with flex shaft, Mom's old tupperware cake plate and a small water pump from a decorative fountain into a water cooled drill so he can drill holes in the stones he ran through his rock polisher. It's important to him to be able to do things like that and he couldn't in that setting.

Agreed!

Maybe an "adult family home" that'd allow your dad to pursue at least some of his hobbies would be a happy medium if you can't care for him yourself and/or get another home health service? It might be something to check into, and maybe even a solution for short-term/respite care if you have a temporary health setback and/or simply need a break.

I've got a living will, will, DNR order and everything set up for me but I don't have anyone to use as back up. He has two brothers, one of which is an Alzheimers patient and the other won't have anything to do with either of us because I am gay.

When I go tomorrow to his primary care Doc I am going to try to set up with them things to be set in motion if I die, like nursing home or home care and anything else needed. That is all I know I can do since we are effectively a family of two.

How about a good friend who could take care of your affairs, carry out your wishes and ensure your dad goes to the facility you've already chosen? If you can afford it, an attorney would be another option, but hopefully you have a close friend or two who would be willing to help out if need be.