Dom vs Domme

[limn]

I have been looking for the right D to my s for some time. I am interested in some feedback from submissives, but welcome viewpoints from Dominants as well.

I had been involved with D/s before. I was very young. My Domme...it was not a healthy D/s relationship as I have realized 20 years later. I really desire at this point to get back into the lifestyle. The last relationship I had of this kind happened by chance, but it awakened some pretty deep-rooted desires, and needs with-in me. The earlier relationship has developed a resonable fear of letting another take complete control over me like that again. I really don't want to fall into the hands of a sick relationship like that now. I feel that I am getting too old to play games, and want a productive relationship, a healthy partner.

I don't know if this is the right viewpoint, or not, but I would like to believe that in a D/s relationship both partners are equal. The responsibilities of each are just different. It is a Master/slave relationship, but yet-- oh, I truely wish I could express myself better. Does being the Master truely mean that this one owns another? Having complete control over another, does this make one another's property? I'd like to believe that it doesn't. That one give oneself to another should be, in my opinion, really, is a gift? a shared benifit of some sort? a mutual ---oh, argh. OK. The submissive gives control to the Dominant, but yet doesn't the Dominant give something of himself (herself, yada, yada) back to the submissive? Doesn't the slave become Master in some sense as well? The roles are defined, but yet the both have an equality in the sense of Master/slave. "Ownership" is not defined by role, but is a shared experience is what I am trying to say maybe.

But I'm offtrack...
Dom, or Domme
I've never had a Dom. Anyone here ever have both? Ever have both at the same time? I suppose the differences between the two are essentially the same as having a basic male:female vs female:female relationship. So I am trying to decide what sex of Dominant I should concentrate on. I am leaning toward male, but yet the possibility of a Master couple intrigues me quite a bit. Is it possible to serve two Masters at once, I wonder. Oh, I have the stamina. Would there be a conflict of intrest, though.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

You should first figure out what YOU want out of a D/s, M/s, BDSM relationship.

Then find the best PERSON that matches your needs, desires, wants, limits, etc.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Technically speaking, a slave is owned.

Ooowwwwnnneedd! That's what "slave" means. If you are a lifestyle slave, you have no authority in your life. if you are a weekend slave, you have no power of your own on the weekends. If it's only while you're in bed, you have no say-so in bed. Which, yum!

Although of course, slaves can try wheedling, begging, manipulating-- and many lifestyle slaves do. For some people, it's part of the dynamic and they relish it.

Master however, can have more than one meaning in D/s relationships. Maybe an owner of a slave, maybe someone with a hella lotta authority over someone else.

A submissive offers their power to a dominant, because they want to offer it. You had better be very sure that the dominant is going to treat that power the way you want it treated. Or you'd better be ready to take it back.

Now, there is another dynamic which a lot of folk don't seem to know about as much, which is top/bottom. A top is the person who does stuff-- physical, mental, emotional-- in the course of a scene. The bottom is done unto in the course of a scene. Many people think that if they want to be spanked, or tied down, or told they are a little slut-- that makes them submissive and that they must find a dom to submit to-- but that might not be true at all.

Many people are dominant bottoms-- they want what they want on their own terms.

Many people who call themselves Dominant-- are service tops, who really get a lot of pleasure from giving someone else what they want, in the way that person wants it. They are not dominating, they are responding.

The BDSM crowd for some reason has lost track of that, and sneer at those folk as "Topping from the bottom" and "not a real dom." In fact both dominant bottoms and service tops are honorable labels, and knowing them can save folks some miscommunication as they are negotiating.

It is absolutely possible to enjoy kinky, deep, complex sex in an egalitarian relationship. it's just not as exciting to write about, for those romance writers.

 

[limn]

Technically speaking, a slave is owned.

Ooowwwwnnneedd!

whoa, i hadn't realized the distinction
that there WAS a distinction
but i can see it, now, that you pointed it out
D/s does not equal M/s necessairly

i need to do a lot more reading...sigh
all i know about any of this is mostly from a previous relationship
thank you, Stella_O

 

[Stella_Omega]

whoa, i hadn't realized the distinction
that there WAS a distinction
but i can see it, now, that you pointed it out
D/s does not equal M/s necessairly

i need to do a lot more reading...sigh
all i know about any of this is mostly from a previous relationship
thank you, Stella_O

There are no unbreakable rules-- once you are in your relationship, whatever it takes to make it work, no one has the right to grade your performance.

It's really only as you are meeting people that labels and such are kinda important, as I say so you have some kinds of clues as to what other people want from you and vice versa.

Another type of relationship is Alpha/Beta. Alpha does most of the leading, but if Beta has a really strong opinion, they have every right to voice it. And whatever strengths Beta has, those strengths are honored and utilised. You could develop that into a sort of Master/servant relationship, if you like.

 

[basic_desires]

There are no unbreakable rules-- once you are in your relationship, whatever it takes to make it work, no one has the right to grade your performance.

It's really only as you are meeting people that labels and such are kinda important, as I say so you have some kinds of clues as to what other people want from you and vice versa.

Another type of relationship is Alpha/Beta. Alpha does most of the leading, but if Beta has a really strong opinion, they have every right to voice it. And whatever strengths Beta has, those strengths are honored and utilised. You could develop that into a sort of Master/servant relationship, if you like.

So refreshing to read someone with insight!

 

[Stella_Omega]

So refreshing to read someone with insight!

I meet a lot of established leather couples, and I ask them questions... eavesdrop on talk...

 

[pierrelarue161]

My last ex wanted to tie me up and called herself a "Domme", but she didn't get that I was only willing to try it now and then, as a novelty. I didn't want it to be a lifestyle. She thought that because I went along with it once, I must be interested in it as a permanent thing.

Then again, she wasn't much for listening (as witnessed by the fact that I warned her in advance that I wouldn't be faithful). She had an unbelievable talent for hearing only what she wanted to hear.

Talk about clueless.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sounds like the two of you are better off ex.

 

[pierrelarue161]

Sounds like the two of you are better off ex.

Totally. We are. I don't trust that girl any more than I can throw her (and I wouldn't, both because that would hurt her and because she is bigger than me).

Not even tempted that way.