Very new, be gentle

[Trailing_Tongue]

This is my first attempt of a poem here. I'm doing this from my phone so forgive any typos. Please tell me what you think.

Devour


Nothing compares to the sound of a silent scream
Her body trembles as her skin gleams
She grips the sheets tight
As her breathing gets quick
Your lips Lips upturn*
As you continue to lick
Her hips grinding against your face
As her heart continues to race
The pleasure building
The climax near
Her thighs close in against you ears
Her pussy so swollen
Her clit fully exposed
A lick and a nibble*
Her body explodes
Her body collapses
Shes terribly weak
Panting heavy
Unable to speak
Moving slowly up her body
Tracing her waist
Until your lips are on hers
Giving her a small taste
You thank her for your amazing treat
As once again your two lips meet

 

[bronzeage]

If you are going to post a poem and request feed back, it's a good idea to spend the time and effort to present it as you really want us to see it. It's better to email it to your computer, where it can be properly edited and polished and then posted.

I think you should find something which does compare to the silent scream. It would make a much better image than nothing.

 

[BooMerengue]

This is my first attempt of a poem here. I'm doing this from my phone so forgive any typos. Please tell me what you think.

Devour


Nothing compares to the sound of a silent scream
Her body trembles as her skin gleams
She grips the sheets tight
As her breathing gets quick
Your lips Lips upturn*
As you continue to lick
Her hips grinding against your face
As her heart continues to race
The pleasure building
The climax near
Her thighs close in against you ears
Her pussy so swollen
Her clit fully exposed
A lick and a nibble*
Her body explodes
Her body collapses
Shes terribly weak
Panting heavy
Unable to speak
Moving slowly up her body
Tracing her waist
Until your lips are on hers
Giving her a small taste
You thank her for your amazing treat
As once again your two lips meet

This sounds to me as if you just read some other erotica and 'borrowed' chunks and tacked them together. Go read some of the better erotic poems that are posted here. Then try again.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Trying to be gentle....poets here have little patience for writers who obviously haven't read much, if any, poetry apart from Hallmark cards. The rather weak rhymimg and nonexistent meter don't make this poetry, sorry.

 

[Neonurotic]

The point of view of this poem is rather awkward. It seems there really is a third person in the room with them writing the poem for "you" and then shifting back and forth to first person with mentions of "her". Like I said, confusing to a reader. Pick a point of view and stick with it throughout the poem.

 

[champagne1982]

Hey there, T_T. Thus far everyone responding to your post has offered some very good ideas on making your piece better. Let's refocus on a couple of positives about your verse, for a minute...

You have an idea about how to rap and produce "off the cuff" poetry.
You follow your rhyme scheme for the most part and have only forced a rhyme once or twice.
And you seem to have an idea about what you like in a poem.​

With these strengths to the fore, maybe you can start to write poems that practice the ideas mentioned in this thread while keeping your theme and rhyme scheme consistent with your mental image of how a poem you write should turn out.

Reading many different poets, Leonard Cohen, for instance, has some amazing poems, will influence your own poetry. You've had some terrific poets give you the gift of constructive critique, now turn it around and write something (not on your phone, try paper then transcribe it) you can see as encompassing the good stuff you've been offered here. This is only my personal opinion of course, feel free to toss it out with the trash if you feel so inclined.

As a parting thought: Read some, write for practice, read some more...

Take care.

 

[Trailing_Tongue]

Wow. Thank you. You guys could have completely destroyed me but instead you offered me some very helpful advice. I meant no disrespect to the true artists that can be found here. I appreciate you wise words and will proceed with more caution and grace. I'm very much an amateur but have admired the power that can found in the words of a great poem. I shall bow gracefully out now and look to obtain more skills and take your constructive criticism to heart before I return. Thank you.

 

[champagne1982]

Now don't run away. You can practice here! Another good way to learn and improve is to truly read someone else's work and offer feedback. This advice is found on a sticky thread, Please Read This First at the top of the PF&D forum:

You can get responses to your posted poems via feedback and/or public comments. In addition, your posted poem may be mentioned in the New Poems thread, but please note that reviews are really just one person's opinion.

Getting Feedback
What can you expect when you've started a thread called:
"Here's My Poem" Feedback, please!

Most poets here take reviewing seriously--we want to help one another and realize that everyone can improve, so it's pretty unlikely that you'll just hear "Great job" or "Loved it," even if the reviewer does love your poem. You'll probably get an opinion and suggestions for improvement. You do not have to change your poem of course, but you probably should consider the advice seriously. The commentator took the time to respond to your request after all.

Remember too that sometimes you have to take some bad with the good. If you are flamed, if a reviewer is personally nasty--and it occasionally happens here like anywhere else--please don't take it personally; use what helps you and move on.

Giving Feedback
You can return the favor by giving feedback. You may think you don't know how, but it's not difficult at all. If you're not sure what to do, try using the following as guidelines:

1. Say whether or not you liked the poem overall and why.
2. Name at least one specific thing you liked about--
subject
language use
format
3. Is there anything you just don't understand in the poem? What?
4. Can you think of a better way to say anything in the poem. If you can, suggest it!
5. Do you know of another poem or link that you think would help? If so, include it.

Always try to make specific suggestions for improvement. Ranting that a poem doesn't work or raving about it without saying why doesn't help the writer. Above all, be truthful but kind. Write the kind of review you'd like to get.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Wow. Thank you. You guys could have completely destroyed me but instead you offered me some very helpful advice. I meant no disrespect to the true artists that can be found here. I appreciate you wise words and will proceed with more caution and grace. I'm very much an amateur but have admired the power that can found in the words of a great poem. I shall bow gracefully out now and look to obtain more skills and take your constructive criticism to heart before I return. Thank you.

You should be proud, you submitted your creation which takes courage. If the comments seem harsh they're really not meant that way. You must be commended for your attitude and determination. I, for one, look forward to your return.

 

[hmmnmm]

Seconding champ & tess.

Will also offer encouragement by passing along something I'd forgot but became reminded of recently: it's the 10,000 hour idea (some use 10 years). How precisely valid those numbers are, I'm not going to get into debate about. But the idea is that whatever one finds an interest in and wishes to become proficient - or hopes to exceed mere proficiency, well, it takes LOTS and LOTS of WORK. Years and years of work, practice, exercise. And when one gets a whiff of poetry and is enticed to enter in, one discovers what is involved, all that calls for the apprentice to become adept at, well, I think in this case we're looking at more like 20,000 hours.

So if someone like the OP, if this is the first try.... as champ said, 'don't run off' just because this early step seems to trigger a backlash that is less sugary than expected or hoped, because if you find that you'd really like to continue, well you have a loooonngg journey ahead. And you may find that even when the seas are perilously stormy and the jungle thickets impenetrable and the mountains are so high and steep and you find yourself lost on a desert highway.... you may realize you could never return to the life you knew.

To offer a personal perspective: I don't know how many thousands of hours stretch out before me, but I know it's quite a few: thousands and thousands and thousands, of hours. The more I learn the more I become aware of so much I am unable to do. But that becomes an excitement of its own, because the new doors to go through or the new streets to explore will never be exhausted. This is good because it's not at all difficult to get lulled and stuck in the familiar and what comes easy, rather than stretch and exercise and go into the unfamiliar, where scratches and falls and bumps are as good as promises.

I suppose an indicator might be, if after a few nights of recuperating, tending to the wounds.... do you find yourself returning? Let's hope so.