What is your Afterlife Destination?

[MelissaRoberts]

Afterlife destinations include Heaven, Purgatory, Paradise, Limbo and Hell.

"Hello Expedia dot com, how much extra if I choose a flight to Paradise instead of Hell?"

"Oh, that much..."

"How about Limbo?"

"I can't afford that either. How about Purgatory?"

"Same price huh? Oh well."

"Just send me the handbasket. It's all that I can afford right now."

 

[CandiCame]

I wanna come back as a kitty.

If the non-reincarnation beliefs are right, then I don't really have a plan. I guess I'll stay here and haunt folk. It's not like I'll have anything better to do- I'll be dead.

*idea lightbulb*
Ghost rape! Great idea for a story!

 

[Bert Notorius]

I want it to be a surprise.

 

[clutch1]

A hell in a handbasket joke!
I get it now.

 

[semen4her]

I want it to be a surprise.

It's a piano case.

Sorry to ruin the surprise.

 

[Bert Notorius]

It's a piano case.

Sorry to ruin the surprise.

When you're roasting in hell you won't be bothered by the smell of burning hair...

 

[renard_ruse]

Afterlife destinations include Heaven, Purgatory, Paradise, Limbo and Hell.

"Hello Expedia dot com, how much extra if I choose a flight to Paradise instead of Hell?"

"Oh, that much..."

"How about Limbo?"

"I can't afford that either. How about Purgatory?"

"Same price huh? Oh well."

"Just send me the handbasket. It's all that I can afford right now."

You made an alt to post this?

 

[Lord Emu]

White Heaven is a possibility I suppose.

 

[ReadyMike]

I'm hoping for San Diego.

 

[Johnny_Ray_Wilson]

Is coming back as a young Hugh Hefner too much to ask for?

 

[rosco rathbone]

The Omega Point.

 

[KingOrfeo]

As we say in the Church of the SubGenius: "The difference between Hell and Heaven is which end of the pitchfork you're on."

From Revelation X: The "Bob" Apocryphon, Chapter 8: "Heaven and Hell":

Everything written regarding Hell in all bibles, from the Zoroastrian up through Dante to Chick Comics, is literally true (except the name of the author). The traditional Hell exists, complete with Lake of Fire, demons, and eternal torment; they aren't lying about that. What they don't tell you is that only religious people go there.

It's a rare SubGenius that ends up in this Normal Hell, the lowest rung of the Ladder of Beforelives. THE HELL CLAUSE states that Hell is reserved for those who believe in it, and the lowest Circle is for those who think that if they don't believe in it, they'll go there. Hell is JHVH-1's revenge on those who insult His intelligence by thinking He is as simple-minded, cruel and vengeful as THEY are. The Devil's job is to pester them, to milk out every last drop of human faith and credence. Satan manages Hell, and it's a very busy place these days, but his responsibilities regarding earthly life cover only religious nuts. JHVH-1 assigned him to create some kind of secondary Hell on earth, so Satan devised the idea of multiple religions, all believing in his existence but hating each other even more than they hate him. (In the end it doesn't really matter whether those Normals are "good" or "bad" in life; Satan and JHVH-1 divvy up the souls 50-50, at random.)

<snip>

Pink Heaven (frequently misidentified as Christian Heaven or Islamic Paradise) is nothing but a more sophisticated Hell, with air conditioning. In many ways, it is far worse. At least in Hell, you know where you stand. The sheep in Heaven can't even guess how utterly doomed they truly are.

"Heaven" is only the second rung up the Beforelife ladder, and, like Hell, is reserved for believers. It consists of an absence not only of pain, but also of pleasure.

Great deal, huh? You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Disobedient souls burn in Hell forever, but obedient souls "belong to God." As if making you an employee all your LIFE wasn't bad enough, you're enslaved in the AFTERLIFE as well! You get all the joy of a fundamentalist's lifestyle, with no hope of release -- not even death!

<snip>

In "Heaven" there dwell certain hungry, rapacious predator spirits, called Theocrats, which vampirize the PPQF of weaker spirits in order to "live" forever at the expense of their victims.

"The Theocrats enslave other spirits to provide psychic energy, just as slaves or employees on Earth provide physical labor . . . They obtain these victims by posing as gods and persuading the religious believers to come to them voluntarily after death thinking they are entering "eternal bliss in Heaven."

"Many notorious tyrants, conquerors, evil religious leaders, black magicians and criminals have become Theocrats after death, but so have some saints and benign geniuses. Power corrupts and the prospect of achieving immortality corrupts even more. Many people with highly developed souls, whose earthly lives were lived quite ethically, chose to become Theocrats after death . . . This has been especially true for people who were religiously devout, then found out the horrible truth about the gods after death.

"The daily activities of a Fundamentalist Theocratic band organized as Heaven are similar to a church service as such sects hold them on Earth, except that they go on perpetually. The Theocrat in charge poses as the Lord God Jehovah, and subordinate Theocrats pose as Christ, various Angels and Apostles, and so forth. "God" quotes the same Biblical passages and preaches the same sermons as preachers in the same sect do on Earth, and the congregation joins in singing the same hymns. . . . The Theocratic leaders then channel this collective psychic energy . . . For instance, there are dead Christians who think they are in Heaven, sitting around the throne of Jehovah "eternally singing his praises," when they're really just his slaves and possibly his dinner as well. Now you understand the real significance of "Holy Communion."

". . . As fanatical belief in organized religion declines in the modern era, the Theocrats have even devised ways to persuade atheists and agnostics to join Theocratic bands after death. The most common is simply to invite them to join what appears to be a community of spirits that includes some of their previously-deceased relatives or friends, or some famous person they greatly admire . . . There are also "Heavens" whose "gods" claim to be politicians, movie stars, writers, scientists, rock stars, or even fictional characters."

-- excerpted from Kyle Griffith's War in Heaven.

The most insidiously cruel aspect of Pink Heaven/Normal Hell is that it's all self-inflicted punishment. Nothing happens to those souls that they didn't ask for, that wasn't self-devised down to the smallest detail. And nastiest of all, just as their store of anguish is about to be used up, they are TOLD they could escape if only they would stop believing -- BUT THAT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE. For, there they are, right in the thick of it, with flames searing their skin, or etheric vampires slowly devouring their very essence . . . so it's just a bit difficult NOT to believe in it.

But there is hope! Now you can save your soul from Heaven! Just send it with $30 for shipping & handling costs to:

The Church of the SubGenius
c/o Reverend Ivan Stang
P.O. Box 181417
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118-1417

Eternal salvation guaranteed -- OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK!

 

[Very_Bad_Man]

Afterlife destinations include Heaven, Purgatory, Paradise, Limbo and Hell.

"Hello Expedia dot com, how much extra if I choose a flight to Paradise instead of Hell?"

"Oh, that much..."

"How about Limbo?"

"I can't afford that either. How about Purgatory?"

"Same price huh? Oh well."

"Just send me the handbasket. It's all that I can afford right now."

Fuck off Ken