It's so complicated I don't know what to ask!

[themilf]

Hi Friends,

Life has been rough lately and this month has been the icing on the cake!
My 84 year old father has been suffering greatly with back pain, so much so (and he kept this from us) that he was failing to walk from his bedroom to the kitchen to eat and he was failing to bathe because he couldn't step into and out of the shower.

I don't know how we missed it (there are 5 "children" in the family), I feel awful but I live the farthest away and hadn't seen him recently.

On March 10, we convinced him to go to the emergency room and within the week, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, very aggressive and was given an approximate life expectancy of 2 week.

I'm scared, anxious, sleepless, needy, isolated- where's your thesaurus when you need it?

Here's the cake taker.
Yesterday morning while I was preparing to drive out to visit Dad, I received a text message from the man I've been seeing for almost 9 years.

He said:

"I received a very disturbing text from my friend. We went thru this a while back when you accused me of seeing the very same person. (as an aside, I only accused him of seeing her when they exchanged 50 text messages and 25 telephone calls within a single week but I accepted his excuse of helping her with a speeding ticket and that was 2 years ago, I think). I'll tell you again that I'm not seeing her or anyone else. I'm asking you to stop texting her". And it goes on a bit in an unintelligible rambling.



I immediately called him for clarification. Now pay close attention -

This woman he "knows" received text messages saying "I think we're seeing the same guy" and some other crap. I didn't have the luxury of seeing the texts, he said they alluded to sloppy seconds or something along those lines but it matters not to me really, I didn't send them. I DIDN'T SEND THEM. I was at the bedside of my dying father.

But then I reflected a little and hey, think with me... why did "this woman he knows" forward them to HIM???... unless she's SEEING HIM, he's the guy in question in the texts? And since (hopefully) I'm the only other person he's been seeing he came to me and accused ME of sending them???. Not the threesome I was hoping for. In fact in retrospect if that EVER happened to me, I'd consider what I was being told, maybe even meet the other woman and confront the SOB together!!!

My head spins and I want to throw up. It's hard enough right now to endure the loss of my father without concerning myself with whatever on earth he is suggesting/confirming/accusing.

Obviously it's over between us, I so needed him to be beside me through this. I asked him one day if he could swing by my work to give me a hug. Instead he went to the casino.

I guess what I'm asking is... Please say something comforting to me? I feel so incredibly alone. I'll likely not be able to reply until sometime tomorrow evening but I'll check my mobile occasionally to see what you have to say.

Luff to all!

 

[unregistered]

 

[Vixandra]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your father. It's an incredibly difficult situation that one would expect one's significant other to stand with them through.

Text the guy, "we're done, you're useless and I don't have the time for your bullshit." Because he isn't worth your time, he's certainly not helping you and this second hand text nonsense is inane.

Also, this is cute and I hope it makes you at least smile:
http://gosmellthecoffee.com/files/2010/01/cat_hug.jpg

Even if won't be a great day for a while due to family circumstances, I still hope you can smile.

 

[pplwatching]

I am sorry to hear about your father. You have my best wishes and sympathy.

Something really doesn't add up about these text messages. While I am far from an expert on text messages, as far as I know it's not possible to send text messages anonymously. There is always a phone number or e-mail address attached. Had he bothered to look for himself he would have known that it's not your number.

The obvious question is then "who sent them?" There's only a couple of possibilities that I can see. Of course it's possible that the texts are a "wrong number", but the prior incident that you talk about doesn't really lend credibility to that argument. The other woman might be fabricating them to cause trouble. Finally, and unfortunately, there might be a 3rd woman who's aware of her but not of you.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this at the same time that you are coping with your grief for your father. The timing is incredibly lousy. I think that if you are inclined to sort things out with him, your best bet would be to do so after you have had a chance to grieve for your father's loss. Don't let this distract you from your final days with your father.

Good luck and best wishes

 

[chipcarver]

I too am sorry for what is happening all at once in your life. I am sending you a cyber hug as I write this. Keep close to your father and let that be the focus of your life right now. Everything else can be handled at a later time.
Some men are asshats, but someone who won't take their time to give you a hug in your time of need is worse than that. Right now you need to seek your comfort from your family.
I wish I could say more to make you feel better. Just remember there are a few of us on LIT that feel your pain.
If you just need a sounding board to rant PM me. I won't berate you for sounding off or hound you. Sometimes just writing stuff down is enough to get it off your chest and let you breathe for a little while longer.

 

[blondboy]

It's Simple Really

Hi there, Big Hugs to you, your Dad, and your family.

I lived some way from my parents, my brothers and sisters lived closer and saw them much more often than I. But I have always been the troubleshooter and facilitator and the Person That Gets Things Done...... My father got ill and I came down to see him. I quickly realised that he wasn't ill, just tired (he was 77 my mum was 72) - the real problem was that my mum was very ill and he was running himself ragged looking after her. Not he nor the rest of the family had realised that, because being so close they didn't notice the small incremental changes in her. When I came down I immediately saw a big decline in her health, it was very obvious to me; for my dad and siblings they just thought she was being awkward and attention seeking. I don't blame them at all, I had a better perspective for seeing what was happening. I was able to get time off to sort it out (my employer was brilliant, they paid me for 5 weeks off work!!) and my mum was admitted to hospital. She had very aggressive secondary breast cancer in the liver and a massive brain tumour and passed away 3 weeks later in a small hospital where her care was second to none. In many ways I was grateful for how things had turned out, the memories of her ill were massively outweighed by all the good memories, it was so quick and she was never really aware of how ill she was and I had unparalleled support from the NHS (the British public health service) and my employer. It was a difficult time, but it could have been so much worse...

As far as your about to be ex (I hope for your sake); you've been seeing him for 9 years and yet when he has a problem "with you" he texts you????!!! WTF!!! He has a another woman he texts and phones that often about a speeding ticket and yet you had to ask him about it? He hadn't told you anyway. This doesn't sound like any kind of equal and honest relationship and IMO you're better off out of it.

Try and look after yourself and your family. Try and remember the good times with your dad and let that outweigh the pain of his illness - if you hadn't had the good times, it wouldn't hurt now; that's the trade-off in life - nothing is free... Your ex is not worth any concern, he has none for you. I would hope you have friends that you can talk with/cry with, it's not the same as having a special person, but he doesn't sound special. You're more than welcome to PM me if you want to vent or just air things out. I can't reach with my arms, but I hope that you can feel a strangers heart from thousands of miles away reaching out to comfort yours

 

[hornyhubby508]

*Big Hug*

I cannot fathom what you are going through but you will survive this, because you're strong. Be with your father and give him the love he needs because it sounds like you have so much to give. Don't let others keep you from sharing that.

Just be strong and be who you are. Don't let your man allow you to do anything but enjoy what might be the last few moments you'll have with your father. He will get his, but don't let it be on his own terms.

 

[bailadora]

My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. I'm so sorry.

And then to have the double whammy of all the drama with your boyfriend? Yeesh! Honestly, I can't fathom any reason why he'd go to the casino rather than offer you the emotional support you requested. It just....boggles the mind.

WRT the text messages: I'm inclined to go with pplwatching in that *maybe* he deserves the benefit of the doubt. It is not clear to me whether he saw the actual texts himself as "proof" or if he's merely relying on hearsay from her. It doesn't say much about his confidence in you, but perhaps he feels justified because of the previous problem. It's possible the other girl is playing on that insecurity in him and is trying to cause havoc between the pair of you because she wants him for herself. A friend of mine experienced a similar situation where an old friend of his set her sights on him as a romantic interest, despite the fact that he was already married.

Regardless, I think it's extremely insensitive of him to bring this to you at such a difficult time. Whether or not you reconcile with him is up to you, but I'm in agreement with others who've recommended spending what remaining time there is with your father, and then address this after you've had time to grieve. It can be difficult to make rational decisions when emotions run high, so please, give yourself all the time you need to get your head on straight. That way, whichever direction you choose, you can be confident you've made the best decision you can.

 

[Lynn33]

........................................

 

[IrishEyes80]

What a horrible situation....sending LOTS of love and prayers your way!!

my question is....do you live with this man? if so that will make parting ways more difficult for sure

I'm with the others....be with your dad right now....stay present in your moments with him because you won't get them back!! i wouldn't even accept a call or respond to a text from the bf at this point

 

[billrichards41]

First and foremost don't blame yourself or your siblings for not noticing your father's behavior. He is making the choices and it's consistent with someone who feels that he is near the point that his desire to continue is waning...
think about his life and if you had a good relationship with him think about the positive. 84 is a long time to live and if his quality of life is suffering, do what you can for him and let him know what he meant to you.
There are no sorry's that take away your feelings of loss and certainly do not take on the guilt of him getting old.

Now the guy you were seeing.... ask him what the phone number was that this other woman got the text from if you care, otherwise sounds like a three timer to me. I'd like to cheer him on but really it's not cool to do that to someone, not you or the other people involved. If he wants to date he should be honest and go about his way, but at least give you the option to decide for yourself.
If I knew where you were, I'd give you the hug you need. It's about human contact and comfort, the sense of it will be all right and for that I am sorry that the person you thought could give you that wasn't there.

 

[Eilan]

I don't know how we missed it (there are 5 "children" in the family), I feel awful but I live the farthest away and hadn't seen him recently.

Don't feel too bad about this. Some people are really proud, stubborn, or good at hiding symptoms/problems because they don't want to burden or stress family members. My mom talked to my grandmother every day (and saw her at least every other day) and my grandmother still hid health issues from the family on several occasions--starting in the early 70s when she had her first gallbladder attack, assumed she was dying of a heart attack, and didn't alert my grandfather, assuming he'd just find her body in the morning. She was pretty successful at downplaying or masking her health issues until her body finally started shutting down from the illness that killed her.

Your (soon-to-be ex?) BF reminds me of people who have to make things all about them when they're not the center of attention. What a selfish asshole! DTMFA and don't look back!

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

Sorry for what you are going through with your father. Having a family member who has cancer is pretty draining both emotionally as well as physically,
But I have never had a close family member go through like you are with your father. I feel for you love.

As for your partner there is a guy I knew who was in a long term relationship. Played up on the side, and when he wanted to move on to the bit on the side he did everything other than to tell his current girlfriend it was over, and it was time to go their separate ways. He made the girls life very miserable, but she stayed because she loved him. What finally drove her away from him was she realized the relationship itself had lost its substance. Their sex life consisted of bj in the end, without repaying in kind. Plus the fact she went out with her gf to find he was taking out the bit on the side out to the same nightclub she turned up at.
He isn’t worth your time. Plus he is being an inconsiderate douche bag instead of offering you support and comfort.

 

[themilf]

Thank you all so, so much!

I'm so moved to hear from all of you, your stories, your virtual hugs, your support! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I went to see Dad today, we had him moved to a skilled nursing center, it's absolutely beautiful. But... It breaks my heart. There are a couple of things that I'm curious about but I guess we'll address them later and by then it will be too late to benefit him and his situation.

4 of the 5 of us were attempting to care for him at home with Hospice Care. A really reputable division of the largest hospital system in the State, in fact. We absolutely couldn't keep up with the demands and our hospice "support staff" came in an average of 5 hours per WEEK. I feel like they really failed us, it's NOT like this in the movies and every single other person I've talked with has NOT has this experience. And here we are, a bunch of rank amateurs, all daughters and because 3/4 of us work full time, we couldn't double team, we were each left on our own with him for 12 hour shifts. I attempted (actually pretty successfully) to physically move him from the bed to the commode but he was scared to DEATH that I (or the others) would drop him. Yes, I'm smaller but hey, I work out, I wouldn't have tried if I thought I couldn't DO it, right?

His mind was still exceptionally sharp although today he was confused. And it seems he has pretty much stopped eating now.

I don't envy my brother. Dad asked "how long will I be here" and similar questions too painful to recount. He did a great job of answering as best he could being unprepared but it's heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking.

And to add stress to the already nearly unbearable situation, my supervisor at work asked me yesterday as I was leaving "How's your Dad". I hit the high spots, it's awful, just awful and she said "well I thought you moved him to a facility". Well, yes, we did but that doesn't mean we dropped him at the door and that's the last that's required of us.

Lastly the "other" situation - I have not texted or called, I cannot bear to hear any more bullshit or lies. It's too stressful, I don't know what I might say.

I have always taken the high road in life and I'm trying like hell to continue to do so. "They" always say not to make important decisions when faced with a situation like this, a death, a loss of a parent, job loss. And I won't. It will all flesh out in the end.

Oh there's something I want to add, thank GOODNESS for a sense of humor, you will NOT believe what happened. I feel like such an idiot. And some of you will appreciate this more than others!

I'm sitting on the edge of Dad's bed, holding his hand, rubbing his arm, talking gently. He can barely breathe, he's speaking but it's really hard to understand what he's saying. I'm pretty shaken up, crying and stuff and I hear him say "let me go"... my mind turns to, you know, that one scene in "Love Story" and "Terms of Endearment" and I think "OMG this is mind boggling, they always say you have to give a dying person 'permission to leave you'".

I begin to sob, I try to muster up just the right words, "oh Dad, you can go, you can GO..." and he shakes his hand loose and says "NO, LET GO OF MY HAND"... OMG, that awkward moment when... ...

Like I said, thank GOODNESS for a sense of humor, and thank GOODNESS no one else was there, I guess although I certainly recounted the story for the sibs so they didn't make the same mistake!

It was a long, long day but I would be remiss if I didn't drop in to thank you all, it seems it's the kindnesses of "strangers" that really moves me although, I think of a lot of you as more like friends.

Thanks again and love to all...

 

[Dribble]

Don't ever doubt yourself for maintaining your priorities...your father.

 

[SweetErika]

Don't feel too bad about this. Some people are really proud, stubborn, or good at hiding symptoms/problems because they don't want to burden or stress family members. My mom talked to my grandmother every day (and saw her at least every other day) and my grandmother still hid health issues from the family on several occasions--starting in the early 70s when she had her first gallbladder attack, assumed she was dying of a heart attack, and didn't alert my grandfather, assuming he'd just find her body in the morning. She was pretty successful at downplaying or masking her health issues until her body finally started shutting down from the illness that killed her.

Yep, the same thing happened with my mother-in-law. She had major unexplained GI issues and weight loss for at least 6 months before she was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. She was a nurse, but refused to get it checked out and lied to all of us about her issues until one of her coworkers put the symptoms together and threatened to tell her husband she needed to be checked for cancer. By the time it was found, it was too late, and she passed away 16 months later.

Themilf, I'm so glad you're focusing on your dad and getting to spend this precious time with him! I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with that hospice program - they are definitely NOT all like that at all! My husband's family turned to a local hospice house, and they were the most amazing people before and after my MIL's death. One thing they did that really helped US was to give us info on the dying process. It was a few pages on what one can typically expect when they watch a loved one die from a terminal illness, and while it sounds really simple and almost crass, I think we all took comfort in knowing where my MIL was in the process near the end. If you haven't seen such a thing and feel it might help, here's a link.

My thoughts are with you, and I hope your father has a peaceful passing when he's ready.

 

[PutMeInCoach12]

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry. Just know that you didn't do anything wrong. IMHO it sounds like your bf has a guilty conscience. The fact that he went into blame mode and didn't ask the other woman very simple questions (What number they came from etc...) is ridiculous. You should be the first person he wants to protect. I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Take care.

 

[nicecthulhu]

I don't mean to sound coarse or cruel

Hi themilf.

I do sympathize with your situation. But I want to point out that the emotions you're dealing with and the situation you and your family are going through are part of life. Some of it's happy and some of it rips your insides out, but almost everyone goes through it at one point. So, you're not alone. We all share the joys and burdens of life, although to different degrees.

Remember the good times with your Dad and your family. Even if a miracle happens and your family ends up with some fairy tale ending you won't regret it focusing on the positive.

When you feel weak, as others have already said, spend time with those who love and support you. You are doing the same thing for your father right now. You're giving him the emotional support and care he needs.

As for the boyfriend...well. Deal with him in a few weeks, after you have the important stuff in your life sorted out.
He may be innocent as far as another woman goes. He may not be. To be perfectly honest: it doesn't matter. He's been seeing you for 9 years and he doesn't have the basic male urge to comfort you at this time??

There's probably a line-up of guys who'd freely offer you all the emotional support they could give after having a couple of dates with you. A lot of guys would offer emotional support even if they had no plan to date you. You deserve better.

 

[K5Rakitan]

On things like this, I would encourage you to look into the possibility of polyamory. Of course, it is not for everyone and it works best when people have been honest about their expectations of each other from the start.

My boyfriend and I started our relationship as an open relationship and it has been that way ever since. We can tell each other anything. Yesterday, he told me that he has been getting close to another woman and asked my permission to date her. He was so excited and happy when I said yes!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Regardless of what you decide to do, just be sure to look deep and make your own decisions rather than relying on what society tells you to do. If you want a monogamous relationship, be very clear about that from the start. Don't just assume monogamy as the default relationship configuration and let yourself be surprised later. Communicate and be honest about your needs!

 

[SweetErika]

On things like this, I would encourage you to look into the possibility of polyamory. Of course, it is not for everyone and it works best when people have been honest about their expectations of each other from the start.

My boyfriend and I started our relationship as an open relationship and it has been that way ever since. We can tell each other anything. Yesterday, he told me that he has been getting close to another woman and asked my permission to date her. He was so excited and happy when I said yes!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Regardless of what you decide to do, just be sure to look deep and make your own decisions rather than relying on what society tells you to do. If you want a monogamous relationship, be very clear about that from the start. Don't just assume monogamy as the default relationship configuration and let yourself be surprised later. Communicate and be honest about your needs!

The OP's father is dying. Her partner of many years is neglecting her needs and may be cheating again. She's clearly overwhelmed right now.

What part of that made you think, 'Hey, this is a person that should look into polyamory!'?

And by the way, poly is no solution to cheating. Turning to poly because of cheating will very likely spell the demise of the relationship because, unlike cheating, it requires a great deal of trust, respect and each partner to meet the other's needs.

 

[jmarx20102012]

That's a lot for any one person to have to handle. I can't give you much advice other than to face your fears. Easy for me to say I know.

 

[themilf]

The OP's father is dying. Her partner of many years is neglecting her needs and may be cheating again. She's clearly overwhelmed right now.

What part of that made you think, 'Hey, this is a person that should look into polyamory.

And this SweetEricka is EXACTLY why I like you so much & wish you were my sister! Thank you for finding the perfect words!

We're told it's time to bring everyone from out of town. It's a sad day.

 

[billrichards41]

And this SweetEricka is EXACTLY why I like you so much & wish you were my sister! Thank you for finding the perfect words!

We're told it's time to bring everyone from out of town. It's a sad day.

Rely on yourself. Find the strength, recognize that the person you looked to is a distraction and celebrate the life of your father as you all come together.

Everything else is a non issue, you will see that solitude is not a scary place and that your thoughts are your support.
When you are ready for human contact, be settled with yourself and you will attract one that enriches and supports your being, as opposed to trying to reconcile or change someone who is insensitive, maybe not as good for you as you may have thought and certainly not worth the effort if this is what they think is appropriate.
As one human to another, I wish I could be there to give you a shoulder, an arm, a touch to help you through this.

 

[Eilan]

We're told it's time to bring everyone from out of town. It's a sad day.

So sorry to hear this. Hold fast.

 

[unregistered]