Official feedback thread for story "Busty secretary with chloroform fetish kidnapped"

[tanja396]

Official feedback thread for story "Busty secretary with chloroform fetish kidnapped"

Hi everybody,

this is our official feedback/discussion thread for the on-going, sexual role playing story "Busty secretary with chloroform fetish kidnapped" created by Tanja396 and Jeremy1.

The story is posted inside the Sexual Role Playing Forum of Literotica.com and can be found here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=803763.

Right now it is closed to thread/story starter Tanja396 and partner in writing Jeremy1.

However, it is planned to incorporate some more characters into the story which could be taken over by some additional co-writers later on. We'll let you know inside the story and/or this thread when this is happening.

Everybody is greatly invited to share his thoughts about the story with us, the Literotica community and all readers inside this thread. Feel free to discuss everything you like concerning the story. We'll check this thread occasionally for your comments and opinions. We can not promise to change the general plot of the story due to readers' requests but we'll definitely consider your ideas and let us be inspired by them.

The story is planned to be a long running adventure. New story installments are not be done on an hourly or daily basis, though. The authors have private and business lives, too, which can be quite time consuming. In addition, we're not going to post in a short, chat-like style, but wanna bring some quality and length to our posts instead. This can take some time, too, so it can be that the story is not updated for some days or even weeks. Just check on the story regularily if you like to keep up with events.

Warning: This is a story that concentrates heavily on certain sexual fetishes (further info see below) which maybe not everybody shares with us. We do not intend to offend or degrade anybody - we're just doing sexual role play and give you the opportunity to watch it. So, everybody who doesn't like what we're writing about should just go elsewhere to find topics they like. Our story is definitely not about loving couples or mutual romance and nobody is forced to read it!

Story title: Busty secretary with chloroform fetish kidnapped

Writers: Tanja396 (submissive parts), Jeremy1 (dominant parts)

Sexual fetishes: Abduction and Chloroform-themed scenarios, anaesthesia/anaesthetic, BDSM in general, big breasts

Plot: A busty secretary falls into the clutches of a professional abductor who kidnaps beautiful girls in order to train them as submissives. Later, they're normally sold onto the white slavery market to wealthy customers for various purposes. He's doing it for his own pleasure and the money he earns. As the story unfolds, certain complications with competitive kidnappers and the public authorities occur while more characters are being included in the story.

*** WARNING: Chloroform is a dangerous, toxic and even lethal narcotic!!! Nobody should ever try to use it on humans as we describe it in our story! It's mostly illegal to possess or use it. Everything we write about is just fiction inside a fictive, sexual role playing game. ***

Thanks everybody, we hope you enjoy our story...

Tanja396 & Jeremy1

PS: We'd really appreciate it, if you spread word about our story to fellow people you know who share our sexual fetishes so that they can endulge into the story as well.

 

[PacoFear]

Here's my feedback: your title is dubiously phrased. The way it reads now, it's the titular busty secretary who has the chloroform fetish. Are you really proposing to treat us to a roleplay about an admin who enjoys huffing chemicals?

 

[tanja396]

Hi, PacoFear, and thanks for our very first comment! And, yes, the main heroine of this story is actually the one fantasizing about being chloroformed. So, not the evil villain has the chloroform fetish, but the hapless victim herself! It's pretty much explained inside the story how it came to that. Besides, this is a fictive role playing story. No one should do this for real as Chloroform is a dangerous and even lethal narcotic. But somehow, there are people out there having this special fetish about either being knocked out or doing the knocking out. It's all about power and control on the one side and giving in to someone, being able to shake off responsibility on the other. Actually, just a special kind of dominance and submission. There are even several video companies, comic web sites etc. out there that specialize in producing knock out-related video clips, DVDs or stories for adults. And as we said, whoever doesn't like the topic should just read elsewhere. Bye.

 

[PennLady]

I suppose it doesn't matter, but this thread is for story feedback. You might want to move your feedback thread to the forum in which you're doing the role play. I don't think anyone will look for it here. Just a thought.

 

[tanja396]

Thanks for the info. We've included a notice concerning this feedback thread inside our main story thread and have even posted the matching link there. So, everybody who reads through our story gets exactly to know where she/he can posts comments. I'm new to Literotica.com (it's my first story), so I thought the story feedback forum would be the right place for, well, feedback. Where else should it be? Besides, I think a sexual role playing story is as much a story as any normal story.

 

[PennLady]

Well, again, I'm not sure of the precise rules and all of that, but this forum is usually for stories posted in Lit's story categories, not things going on in other forums. It just seems to me that if you want feedback on a something in a role-play thread, you'd have it in that thread, or in the same forum.

You could try sending a PM to a forum moderator, or to Laurel. I haven't seen this before, so I'm not sure what protocol might be.

That said, since I won't be reading it, I won't be reading the feedback, so it's not a problem for me personally (no offense, but your subject matter just isn't my thing).

 

[tanja396]

You're welcome. I haven't noticed any feedback about role plays inside the sexual role playing forum itself, so far, and I definitely don't want other people to post comments inside our main story thread. They should post it here! So, I actually feel quite well with this thread being here.

 

[tanja396]

Come on, boys and girls, please give us some more comments! Don't be shy...

 

[PacoFear]

Okay, I read it. Now what?

What is it exactly that you're looking for? Yes, your grammar is solid enough, though style-wise, you're a tad heavy on adverbs for my taste. But then tastes vary.

As content goes? Meh. You've written an abduction/exploitation scene. It's not a story. There's not much to talk about.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're not getting the reaction you hoped for, that problem was built into your premise when you decided to target a narrow chloro-sex fetish audience. It also doesn't help that the roleplaying forum, rightly or wrongly, has kind of a squicky rep over here.

There's your feedback. Happy?

-PF

P.S. You misspelled "trichloromethane." You missed the "e" on the end. I thought this was odd inasmuch as this is supposed to be your fetish.

 

[tanja396]

Thank you so much, PacoFear, that's exactly the kind of comment/reaction, I did hope to get. You know, English is not my first language! I'm not American or British. I'm really from Frankfurt am Main in Germany. I only learned English at school and kept reading English books. So, your hint with the adverbs is quite helpful for me. I try to look into it. And yes, know what? I really misspelled Trichloromethane (has been edited by now). I looked it up in a german scientific book, silly me! Well, I was just wondering why nobody has given some kind of comment. The story has almost 690 views by now, and I've got PMs by some people thinking it would be very hot! And well, like I said inside this thread already, contents is a kind of personal taste, so one can't really discuss about that. There're quite a lot of gross stories all over the different places of Literotica. Besides, I want to roleplay with my partners in the first place! If people like to read it and have fun with our story, too, that's an upside.

 

[PacoFear]

Well, I was just wondering why nobody has given some kind of comment.

I think I answered that question already...

You've written an abduction/exploitation scene. It's not a story. There's not much to talk about.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're not getting the reaction you hoped for, that problem was built into your premise when you decided to target a narrow chloro-sex fetish audience. It also doesn't help that the roleplaying forum, rightly or wrongly, has kind of a squicky rep over here.

 

[lovecraft68]

What is it exactly that you're looking for? Yes, your grammar is solid enough, though style-wise, you're a tad heavy on adverbs for my taste. But then tastes vary.

As content goes? Meh. You've written an abduction/exploitation scene. It's not a story. There's not much to talk about.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're not getting the reaction you hoped for, that problem was built into your premise when you decided to target a narrow chloro-sex fetish audience. It also doesn't help that the roleplaying forum, rightly or wrongly, has kind of a squicky rep over here.

There's your feedback. Happy?

-PF

P.S. You misspelled "trichloromethane." You missed the "e" on the end. I thought this was odd inasmuch as this is supposed to be your fetish.

I think it's too bad it has a "squicky" rep. Of course there are some pretty bad writers in those role plays( it is for fun after all) but I enjoy reaing through them and a lot of stuff there is better than what shows up in the new releases on a daily basis. There are some pretty talented people over there who are very good at writing on the fly.

 

[tanja396]

I think it's too bad it has a "squicky" rep. Of course there are some pretty bad writers in those role plays( it is for fun after all) but I enjoy reaing through them and a lot of stuff there is better than what shows up in the new releases on a daily basis. There are some pretty talented people over there who are very good at writing on the fly.

I agree with you there, lovecraft. I think one just cannot judge a role play story the same way you would do so with a novel-like story. They're different in writing. So, have you read our role play, already? Did you like it, or was the topic and the fetishes not for your taste?

 

[lovecraft68]

I agree with you there, lovecraft. I think one just cannot judge a role play story the same way you would do so with a novel-like story. They're different in writing. So, have you read our role play, already? Did you like it, or was the topic and the fetishes not for your taste?

The fetish was not my taste, and also not one for abduction fantasies in general.

I do some incest role playing over there once in awhile and have done a couple of younger guy/ hot cougar type things.

I've been doing a lot just through PM, but have been thinking of "going public" again. I just need to find a decent partner.

 

[Tyro999]

... Well, I was just wondering why nobody has given some kind of comment. The story has almost 690 views by now, and I've got PMs by some people thinking it would be very hot!

To engage in a little acronymn pun, I didn't like RPGs [rocket-propelled grenades] in Vietnam [or elsewhere], and I don't like RPGs [role-playing games] on Lit [or elsewhere]. So you'll be in for a long wait for a view of yours by me or a PM on it from me.

 

[tanja396]

What about my writing? I always wonder if natural english-speaking people find it too artificial (maybe too german)? I'm no real writer at all, have no training in such things and this is the first time ever that I'm actually writing a story of some sorts.

 

[PennLady]

What about my writing? I always wonder if natural english-speaking people find it too artificial (maybe too german)? I'm no real writer at all, have no training in such things and this is the first time ever that I'm actually writing a story of some sorts.

I skimmed a bit of the story and had to wonder -- why did you italicize the word "chloroform" so much? I just didn't see why it was necessary. In English, we use it to emphasize something, but since you stated this was a chloroform-fetish, I don't think you need to keep emphasizing the word. Just a thought.

 

[tanja396]

I skimmed a bit of the story and had to wonder -- why did you italicize the word "chloroform" so much? I just didn't see why it was necessary. In English, we use it to emphasize something, but since you stated this was a chloroform-fetish, I don't think you need to keep emphasizing the word. Just a thought.

Yeah, you're 100% correct. I guess I did/do it because it is my fetish, and - as strange as it might be - I, somehow, get a little bit turned on by writing and emphasizing it that way. It's, like I've said, a sexual role play where we're having fun with each other, writing down what we like. It's not really intended to fit into some international literature standards which I honestly don't know very much about. I, for my part, struggle e.g. all the time with how to display direct speech or thoughts of our characters ("...", '...'). Punctuation is equally difficult for myself. But I do my very best...

 

[PennLady]

You don't have to meet any "standards," but be careful with punctuation and formatting. If it's wrong, or inconsistent, it can turn people off from reading.

Dialogue (US rules here) is like this:

"I saw the book," he said. -- Note the double quotes around the spoken words, and the comma before the close quote, and the lower case "h" for "he." The "he said" can be called a dialogue tag or an attribution tag.

"Look over there!" he cried. -- Even though there is an exclamation point, "he" is still lower case.

"I saw the book." He glanced over to the table. -- Quote around the dialogue, and period before the close quote. Because there is no attribution tag like "he said," you have an upper case "H" in "He."

For thoughts, I prefer to use italics, but I understand this has not been the usual way to do things in mainstream fiction. However, this is Lit, and if you want to do that, it won't matter. I've done it. Mostly, just be consistent. Example:

I wonder what's going on, she thought.

Hope that helps.

 

[tanja396]

Thank you sooooooo much!!! I kind of tried getting behind some system of spelling these things by reading other stories but, like you said: It's quite confusing. People use all sorts of styles and I didn't know what would be the correct one. Now, I've got an official statement and confirmation - cool!!! Need to check on my role play story, though. Hopefully, I don't have to re-edit too much... oh my...

 

[janis68]

I liked it after the first quick reading. I like it after the second careful reading much more. Nevertheless I prefer the first three parts (ending by the van). I am not very eager at BDSM so the rest is not so impressing for me.

 

[tanja396]

I liked it after the first quick reading. I like it after the second careful reading much more. Nevertheless I prefer the first three parts (ending by the van). I am not very eager at BDSM so the rest is not so impressing for me.

Thanks a lot! What did you not like so much about the later parts of the story? Is it because the initial, suspenseful abduction is over now? Or was the presentation of Tanja's confused mind in the likeness of a text adventure computer game too far-fetched? Just wondering...

 

[sCr3amer4u]

...was the presentation of Tanja's confused mind in the likeness of a text adventure computer game too far-fetched? Just wondering...

I'm sorry. I have to admit that I ended up skipping this entry hun. It just didn't work for me. I'm enjoying the rest of the roleplay and am looking forward to seeing where you take it. I think you should perhaps change the title to 'woman' as it does make it look as if the story is set in an office environment.

On a separate note: you liked us ganging up on you lol x

 

[tanja396]

I'm sorry. I have to admit that I ended up skipping this entry hun. It just didn't work for me. I'm enjoying the rest of the roleplay and am looking forward to seeing where you take it. I think you should perhaps change the title to 'woman' as it does make it look as if the story is set in an office environment.

Yeah, I've guessed that the "computer game" would not be to the taste of everybody but as I'm really into playing video games in my real private life, I just wanted to do it, having fun while writing it. And I'm always trying to be a little bit creative in writing. I just don't want to write passage after passage, you know? So, I hope you do like the rest of the story and the upcoming parts. Jeremy1 is actually hard at work with his next installment. And wait until I've finished my reports about your own misbehaviour here at my place in Germany because you really got some action/punishment by the hands of Jeremy, too. Can't you remember that... Concerning the title: I really don't know how to change it now. I've tried but the original/first title entry is obviously unchangeable. It seems to stay as it originally was on the forum board.

 

[janis68]

Thanks a lot! What did you not like so much about the later parts of the story? Is it because the initial, suspenseful abduction is over now? Or was the presentation of Tanja's confused mind in the likeness of a text adventure computer game too far-fetched? Just wondering...

You have right. The best part for me - the abduction is over. The HARD training of your´s isn´t bad, but I´m such SOFT villain, you know..