Looking for some feedback for my You series.

[FelixPick]

I'm writing a series of short stories that explores the second person perspective as a way of writing my erotic fiction. I am aware that there are some grammatical issues with poor comma placement and run-ons, but I'm looking for feedback on things outside of grammar.

Here are the two stories:
http://www.literotica.com/s/you-series-pt-01-the-massage
http://www.literotica.com/s/you-series-pt-02-remote-control

Thanks in advance.

 

[nakdsub]

Only my opinion...

But I don't like the style. Sorry.

 

[sr71plt]

I looked at the first one. It isn't second person. You fall out of second person as early as the second sentence: "I came up behind you . . ." That immediately takes it to the first person (the work is now being perceived by the I). For second person, you have to stay in the perspective of "you" absolutely for the whole work/section. It's hard to do--and usually very tiring on the reader. And this isn't it.

 

[FelixPick]

I looked at the first one. It isn't second person. You fall out of second person as early as the second sentence: "I came up behind you . . ." That immediately takes it to the first person (the work is now being perceived by the I). For second person, you have to stay in the perspective of "you" absolutely for the whole work/section. It's hard to do--and usually very tiring on the reader. And this isn't it.

I appreciate the clarification, I didn't think it was true second person, but ddn't know a better way to describe it as I did turn the reader into a character (in a sense).

But I don't like the style. Sorry.

No need to apologize for something you didn't like.

 

[roomfor1more]

2 nd person perspective does not make a good story

I do not believe this is story is strictly a second person story and instead I believe the story, at times, reverts back to first person. Every time I ready a story that follows this style, switiching between first and second person, I rate it 1 star. Personally, I find such stories annoying due to the switching of person and I tend to view the author as lazy. I say lazy becuase the story reads as though it was written for someone in particular and not the wider Literotica audience. Since the story reads as though the author could not be bothered to do some basic editing for a larger audience and keep a consistant perspective, I do not see the point in rating this type of story beyond 1 star. Also I find most authors are not skilled enough to use second person perspective effectivly and every second person story I have read so far on Literotica, I find I do not like. My feeling why I do not like second person, I do not believe it is a good perspective for writing and for literotic writing, first or third person works much better. Finally, if you want more than 1 star from me as a reader you will need to do some editing and keep a consistant first or third person perspective.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Second person is (at least) twice as bad as first person.

 

[inflagranteloti]

Second person is (at least) twice as bad as first person.

I've actually read some really good stories in second person, but I think you have to be a pretty good writer to pull it off. Same with first person, which is why I usually back button out of both POVs.