Help me understand

[BlondBrit]

Hello all,

I have been lurking here on and off for years, but never posted before. Some recent developments with my boyfriend really have me concerned though and I figured this would be a good place to get some understanding.

My boyfriend has become addicted to pain. He wants me to spank him, whip him, beat him with a belt, use very large toys on him and not be gentle, etc. etc. Seems that no matter what I do, I can't satisfy his craving for pain. I am very tiny and he is a decent sized man, about a foot taller than me. He says that being submissive to me turns on him because of how much smaller I am than him. I am worried about him. He currently has bruises and welts all over his bum, his back, his legs, and his arse has to be killing him. Yet, he can't get enough.

I've never been exposed to anything like this and I'm obviously struggling with it. The two of us have been swingers for years, so I never thought I'd get to the point where something bothered me. We have shared everything over the past few years and done most things in a semi-public setting. I offered to get one of our play partners involved for him, but he refused. I don't mind doing it. Actually, I really like it, especially using toys on his arse. I get exhausted though. I'm just concerned that we are going too far with it. Is there a limit to it? I suggested we use a safe word in case it hurts too much for him, but he just laughed. His pain tolerance just doesn't seem normal.

 

[knot_sweet]

Ask your partner if it's the submission, the effects of the pain, or the pain itself he's enjoying.

If it's the first two, then explain gently but firmly your own limits and concerns. You as the dominant are just as entitled to your own safe words and limits as a submissive. There are plenty of ways to make someone feel submissive that don't include pain. Find out what exactly, he likes about being submissive and discuss options other than pain he might be willing to explore. This could include but is not limited to bondage, sensory deprivation, forced feminisation, humiliation, erection/chastity play, breath play etc etc.

If it's the third option, invest in toys that hurt more. Canes, cat-o-nine tails, even needle or razor play if you're comfortable and safe about it. I'd also try things like figging or making the skin more sensitive before inflicting pain. Try icing or heating, or even some of the lubricants that tingle. I can also suggest cock and ball torture, paddles with studs or holes, and my personal favourite; making him kneel on a hard surface covered in rice to give me oral. Inflicting pain doesn't have to be hard work if you are creative about it.

 

[BlondBrit]

Ask your partner if it's the submission, the effects of the pain, or the pain itself he's enjoying.

If it's the first two, then explain gently but firmly your own limits and concerns. You as the dominant are just as entitled to your own safe words and limits as a submissive.

If it's the third option, invest in toys that hurt more. Canes, cat-o-nine tails, even needle or razor play if you're comfortable and safe about it. I'd also try things like figging or making the skin more sensitive before inflicting pain. Try icing or heating, or even some of the lubricants that tingle.

I think its actually the first and third thing you mentioned. He looks at the bruises and so forth in the mirror and just shrugs his shoulders. He seems indifferent to them.

I understand the submissive part for him. In everyday life, he is an incredibly dominant man. He is always the one in control, or in charge. So, when we close the bedroom door, he gets to be someone else and it excites him. What I don't get is his pain tolerance. I have a paddle with velvet on one side of it. I spank him until he is as red as a beet and then I rub the velvet on him and he really likes it. Then I start hurting him again. He actually cums from the spanking/beatings.

 

[knot_sweet]

Sorry, I edited my post before I read your reply. Some of what I added is relevant. Ask me more if you want. And I'm sure there will be plenty of other people glad to answer you better than I can too.

 

[DVS]

I think its actually the first and third thing you mentioned. He looks at the bruises and so forth in the mirror and just shrugs his shoulders. He seems indifferent to them.

I understand the submissive part for him. In everyday life, he is an incredibly dominant man. He is always the one in control, or in charge. So, when we close the bedroom door, he gets to be someone else and it excites him. What I don't get is his pain tolerance. I have a paddle with velvet on one side of it. I spank him until he is as red as a beet and then I rub the velvet on him and he really likes it. Then I start hurting him again. He actually cums from the spanking/beatings.

It is very possible for someone who leads a stressful everyday life. Many company executives are often submissive. That in itself is no big deal. The amount of pain he seems to need or desire can also be no big deal, but if you see this as something new in him and you are concerned about his well being, that's another thing.

Now, before I get into this too much, I'm not a doctor and so what I say is just my opinion. In no way should anything I say be seen as talking down to you or him, and you shouldn't take only my opinion as the only opinion. I understand your concerns and so I can at least give you some idea of why he might be acting this way.

I have a few ideas about your situation, but before I get too involved, I would like to know more about his job situation. Is he a CEO, maybe a high level boss, a mid-level boss or at least someone in charge of others in his work? And if so, do you know how well he handles stress?

You say he's submissive. Has this always been the case, or has this been a recent addition to your sex lives? Or maybe he's been submissive in the past, but the pain he desires has increased recently. I need some more info on what your specific concerns are. Sure, you seem concerned that he requires more pain to be satisfied, but has he always enjoyed pain? Has it just developed into the present situation recently? Do you see it as something new, like it has been triggered by something?

Once I know more about this, I'll reply with what might be happening. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor. And just because I say I'm not a doctor, don't start worrying that his health is in danger.

I know when people stop a post with a bunch of questions, all sorts of things start running through your head. I'm just asking for more information before I post something to you that might end up being an unnecessary post. I'm sorry if this is one of those posts.

 

[ipod64]

I can totally understand where you boyfriend is coming from. I don't mean to brag, but I am a very powerful type A guy. I weigh well over 100kg, and run everythign outside the bedroom with a proverbial iron fist.

I would give anything if my wife would understand my need to not be in charge when it comes to sex. Although she will use dildos on me every once in a while - it would be nice if she would entertain my need to be utterly dominated.

You are a good womean for doing wht you do.

 

[LucyH]

I want to tell you that you're right to be careful, and tell you not to worry at the same time.

I'm a lot like your husband sometimes - I can get insatiable. Whoever is inflicting the hurt needs to pay attention and avoid doing any serious damage, because I don't know where to draw the line. It has something to do with liking the pain, and a lot to do with the haze of endorphins that makes everything hurt less after a while so I can't gauge how bad something is. Fortunately, nobody has ever messed up and done anything to me that didn't heal completely within a couple weeks. Huge bruises and occasional little cuts will simply go away in time, as though they were never there. As long as you don't damage his brain, joints, assorted internal organs, etc... he's going to be okay.

I've been a masochist to varying degrees all my life. I've enjoyed my bruises, and the process of getting them of course. I don't need to do more and more extreme things to have fun, though. I don't go into twitchy withdrawals if nobody hurts me for a while. I don't do insane, stupid things and injure myself. Basically, I'm ok. I suspect he will be too.

I wish you lots and lots of happy fun!

 

[BlondBrit]

It is very possible for someone who leads a stressful everyday life. Many company executives are often submissive. That in itself is no big deal. The amount of pain he seems to need or desire can also be no big deal, but if you see this as something new in him and you are concerned about his well being, that's another thing.

Now, before I get into this too much, I'm not a doctor and so what I say is just my opinion. In no way should anything I say be seen as talking down to you or him, and you shouldn't take only my opinion as the only opinion. I understand your concerns and so I can at least give you some idea of why he might be acting this way.

I have a few ideas about your situation, but before I get too involved, I would like to know more about his job situation. Is he a CEO, maybe a high level boss, a mid-level boss or at least someone in charge of others in his work? And if so, do you know how well he handles stress?

You say he's submissive. Has this always been the case, or has this been a recent addition to your sex lives? Or maybe he's been submissive in the past, but the pain he desires has increased recently. I need some more info on what your specific concerns are. Sure, you seem concerned that he requires more pain to be satisfied, but has he always enjoyed pain? Has it just developed into the present situation recently? Do you see it as something new, like it has been triggered by something?

Once I know more about this, I'll reply with what might be happening. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor. And just because I say I'm not a doctor, don't start worrying that his health is in danger.

I know when people stop a post with a bunch of questions, all sorts of things start running through your head. I'm just asking for more information before I post something to you that might end up being an unnecessary post. I'm sorry if this is one of those posts.

Sorry, haven't had time to get back here all week. He is the owner of a construction company. He's big, very dominate, and always in charge. Kind of a control freak really. He handles stress better than anyone I ever met. Its almost like he thrives on it. All of this is very new. We have been together for four years and all of this is recent. Never once did he show any signs of this before. I can't say if it was triggered by something or not. Like a lot of the things we do, it all started one night when we had a fair amount to drink and it just took off rapidly.

I'm still trying to get a grip on it all. At times, I really enjoy it. He must have a very sensitive prostrate because the amount of times he can cum from anal is amazing. I get really jealous watching him cum over and over. There's something about putting marks on him that just doesn't sit right with me though. He loves it, so I do it, but I am uncomfortable with it.

 

[DVS]

Sorry, haven't had time to get back here all week. He is the owner of a construction company. He's big, very dominate, and always in charge. Kind of a control freak really. He handles stress better than anyone I ever met. Its almost like he thrives on it. All of this is very new. We have been together for four years and all of this is recent. Never once did he show any signs of this before. I can't say if it was triggered by something or not. Like a lot of the things we do, it all started one night when we had a fair amount to drink and it just took off rapidly.

I'm still trying to get a grip on it all. At times, I really enjoy it. He must have a very sensitive prostrate because the amount of times he can cum from anal is amazing. I get really jealous watching him cum over and over. There's something about putting marks on him that just doesn't sit right with me though. He loves it, so I do it, but I am uncomfortable with it.

As long as you are being careful with anal, that might be a good way to give him what he wants, without any damage. Do you play the dominant role while giving him anal? Some men prefer to be tied down and treated like they are being punished or only there as a hole for your pleasure. If you can tweak his desires, maybe you can give him more pleasure with less pain. It's just a thought.

Like I said in my first post, it is very possible for someone who leads a stressful everyday life to prefer a more submissive sexual life. The amount of pain he seems to need or desire can also be no big deal, but because you see this as something new in him and you are concerned about his well being, there are possible reasons for all of this. And, once again, I'm not a doctor and so what I say is just my opinion.

First, being submissive to your wife is a common thing. You may already know about some of these things, living a swinger lifestyle. It's not my thing, but many men prefer to be submissive to their partner. And it doesn't always relate directly to daily stress, but someone's sexual preference can be a factor.

And there are different kinds of stress. And some kinds of stress are more healthy than others. I think the worst kind of stress is the kind that makes you feel helpless against it. Some kinds of stress seem to have no solution. While the stress might be a necessary part of someone's life...a normal part of a job, it still can be difficult to handle.

You mention he's very dominant in his everyday life. He's the owner of a construction company. He has to hire and fire employees. He has the stress of a business on his shoulders and the livelihood of employees on his mind. This economy is pretty nasty right now. Many business decisions can be necessary, but that doesn't make them any easier. If he's had to fire someone, or even many people because of these downward times, he could feel guilty. Because he's the guy at the top, the guy in charge, he might feel like he should have been able to do something to turn things around and keep those good people employed.

You say he handles stress very well, but I'll tell you that men are very good at covering their emotions up. I don't want to say he's doing this, because I don't know him. But, he might not be handling the stress of something in the company as well as he might think.

The reason I'm talking about stress is because people handle it differently. And people at the top have a lot of stress. Being the owner of a construction company, he might have more stress than someone who owns a very large company because a CEO of a large company has more of a buffer system. You are correct that some people who are very dominant in their daily lives can prefer a more submissive role in their sexual lives. That is the way they release the stress of that stressful life. They aren't conscious of it. It's their subconscious taking over to balance things out in their mind.

Stress is nothing new and this method of release is also nothing new. And it isn't anything to be worried about, as a rule. The stress is channeled out of the body as submission and in some cases, it can also come out as a love of pain. Because everybody handles stress differently, stress that might be considered mild for some can seem more stressful for others. And an increase of stress might come out as an increase of submission or love of pain.

It's also possible that he has subconsciously has recently found a method of stress release in his sexual enjoyment of pain. That might be the increase you notice. His subconscious mind might see this as a better method of release than what it was using, whatever that might have been. But, the increase might also be because of an increase of the stress he's dealing with. His way of handling stress so well on the conscious level can almost cause his subconscious mind to seek another method of release, because holding stress in isn't healthy.

Some would say this is a dangerous thing, but that is all in how you look at it. While some therapists would suggest he talk out his stress with someone, to lessen his need for a dangerous release, others might only see it as a system that's working for him. Many people enjoy pain and as long as it isn't something that harms his body in a lasting way, and as long as he is OK with the way his body looks afterwards, it might be no big deal.

I'd suggest you talk to him, to see if his company is having trouble. But, he might say everything is fine, thinking he's handling it just fine. Because the economy is kind of nasty, he might be stressed by things he has no control over. As a very caring person, he might be worried about some of his employee's jobs. He could take things almost personally, because he feels it's his responsibility to keep employees on the job. Maybe he should let some go, but is fighting against it in his mind, or maybe he has let someone go and he feels guilty because he had to do it.

It's up to you, if you talk to him. You are on the outside and looking in. You might see changes in him that he doesn't see. You seem to notice the increase in his enjoyment of pain, so that could be seen as a release valve his subconscious has created. Is it something that requires intervention or counseling? If everything seems to be fine, it might not be anything more than someone enjoying his version of sexual fun. I wouldn't make it into something serious, if it isn't. But, I would ask him about things in the job, just as a way to understand what he might be going through. You would be able to know if his job is causing this, and if so, you might be able to lessen his stress, just by allowing him to talk about it. Holding it in is not healthy.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to give you the possible scenarios, as I see it. I can only suggest what might be happening, because I don't know the whole story. Because you are there, the more information you have, the better equipped you are to understand what could be going on.

 

[WanderingGator]

Exploring the unknown, and doing so openly with your partner, seems to be a key element of truly empracing a departure from the norm constructively. I suggest that you have a drink or two, get close to your man, and with a smile... start getting him to tell you what motivates his desires. My initial experience with a sub woman was made all the more exciting because I talked to her at length about what she liked and why... with an emphasis on the "why". Once I uncovered her motivation - things fell into place nicely. Good luck!!!

 

[DecadeIn]

It seems that you are being very wise here. You're open to new experiences, want to understand what dynamic is being played out here and also protective of your loved one and life partner.
Very wise.

I think that coming here to get a better understanding is perhaps not the best way to go. the majority of people on this forum, are single. Or married and not practiciing BDSM in their own home/relationship.

BDSM is just like choosing where to spend your free time. You will be more motivated toward certain activities than others. Your hubsand will also have his own preferences. Hopefully, some will be compatable. Id start there.

I implore you to listen more to your resident expert, your husband on what he enjoys and why. than any ideas other suggest he might have.

Take it slow, the destination is not your goal this time, its the journey that matters. And be mindful not to lose your marriage in the exploration.

best of luck

 

[BlondBrit]

Well, I've come to terms with everything. Even have to started to really enjoy being in control too.

We spent the entire weekend with me dominating him. I didn't hold back in any way either. I even cuckolded him too... that was awesome. He loved the creampie so much the first night that I made him go down on the guy the second night. One thing led to another and he had sex with a man for the first time ever.

Afterwards, he told me that having sex with another man wasn't something he ever thought he would do, or like. He confessed that being forced to do something so extreme turned him on more than he has ever been. The look on his face while he was being fucked was so hot. I don't think I was ever so turned on.

 

[subwannabe]

Sounds like you are both having fun but you do need to be careful. There is a limit to everything and you are wise to be concerned that you are at or over the limit. As an extreme example, if he were to get a blood clot which did severe damage to him or even killed him, it might be debateable how the authorities would act, even if you were able to convince them of the truth. This doesn't take into account any relatives who might try lawsuits over the situation, whehter they would win or not.