New Chapter 2 Excerpt is up: Confessions...

[AnnaHouseWife]

Hi everyone,

Thank ya'll so much for all the positive feedback I've gotten about the first chapter of my book.

An excerpt of Chapter 2 is up, so please check it out:

http://teenagehousewife.tumblr.com/

In this chapter, I detail how I lost my virginity on my wedding night to my husband.

God bless, ya'll.

Anna

 

[Reading_is_Sexy]

I am a little bummed! I clicked earlier this afternoon to read a bit, and dismissed the prompt for the first few free books. After I read a bit, I wanted to sign up... but they were gone. I am hoping for some more pre-views before your release date!

 

[CWatson]

The first problem I have (mostly with your first chapter) is your word choice. Tell me this: in writing each chapter, are you trying to portray events from the point of view of the girl you were then, or the woman you have become today? Because that will influence your word choice.

he asked me if I had ever seen a cock before.

Is this a direct quotation of his dialogue? If so, my first question is, had you ever heard the word "cock" used to describe a penis before? I remember the first time I read erotica (close to 15 years ago--good lord, this would've been before you would've started grade school!), one of the biggest adjustments I had to make was terminology. Okay, I know I have a penis, and I've heard it called a dick before, but what the heck's a cock? Beaver, pussy, clam, muff--what, do women have some sort of animal between their legs? What on earth is going on here?? It was a bit of a language barrier, let me tell you. But your narrator-character just shifts instantly into using the term "cock"... and, even better, starts using "cum" without any prompting. I can't tell you how long it took me to figure out what "come" meant in context; there's no way I would've started using it organically. And I wouldn't've heard it from anyone either, because even at my all-boys Catholic high school, we didn't talk about ejaculation or orgasm. (Just sex.)


Second, I want to hear more overall about what your narrator-character is feeling. I don't just mean physically, though those details are good too ("He has so much hair on his chest") ("Wow, he's quite heavy") ("He wants to play with my nipples??") ("Oh lord have mercy he is PUTTING HIS PENIS INSIDE OF ME"). I mean, I also want to know what is going on emotionally. How does your narrator-character feel? Is she enjoying this? Why? Is it distasteful? Why? How do those feelings interact?

Here's the thing: regardless of what the male population would have you believe, sex is not something that's inherently interesting for its own sake. Something on the order of 30 million human beings are having sex right this very instant, and honestly, I don't care. ...Well, that's not true, I do care about one person, because she was supposed to go on a date with me tonight but then cancelled 10 hours before because--and get this--she went from, "Sorry, looking for friends only" to "Sorry, I'm suddenly with some other guy." Meaning I'm shut out in the cold, because I was the only person polite enough (that is, retarded enough) to actually respect her desire to be treated as a friend and not a piece of meat. In other words, that guy she's having sex with should be me. And instead, some asshole who will use her and dump her is getting his paws on her instead.

...Why no, the wound doesn't sting, why do you ask?

But, digression aside... Actually, no, digression not aside. Do you see my point? Out of the 30 million human beings who are having sex this very instant, I only care about one of them--because I'm already emotionally invested in her, because I care about her as a person (in addition to as a potential sexual option). Writing is the same. Your religiously-imprisoned narrator-character is interesting, yes, but you didn't take the final, most important step: describing her feelings so that I, as a fellow human being, can empathize with her. So that I can go, "Yes, I have felt that way. I've never been quite as hemmed in as you, but I have felt the walls close in on me, I have felt powerless. We have that in common."

A cage is good, but it means nothing without a heart to flutter its wings against it.

So, simply put: I want to know more about what your narrator-character is feeling, because that's the only thing that would make me care enough to read to the end. Readers connect with characters, not with plights or with sex acts. That's all there is to it.

Hope this helps some.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam!

I thought there were rules against posting shit like this.

 

[sr71plt]

I would have pointed out that this wasn't anything posted to Literotica, so it had no place here, but people like Elfin rag on me for such a commen sense observation.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Also, it appears to have been written by a dude. All the more reason to hate the spam\trolling.

 

[havsumfun1]

It did seem weird that it takes you away from this site but I'm a newbie so I wasn't sure. My instinct was troll, thanks for the heads up!

 

[AnnaHouseWife]

Also, it appears to have been written by a dude. All the more reason to hate the spam\trolling.

hi, i'm not a dude. lol. but i did write the stories. thanks for the comments.

anna

 

[AnnaHouseWife]

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam!

I thought there were rules against posting shit like this.

wait, why is this spam? im sharing my story like everyone else. how do i share my story without it being spam?

 

[AnnaHouseWife]

The first problem I have (mostly with your first chapter) is your word choice. Tell me this: in writing each chapter, are you trying to portray events from the point of view of the girl you were then, or the woman you have become today? Because that will influence your word choice.


Is this a direct quotation of his dialogue? If so, my first question is, had you ever heard the word "cock" used to describe a penis before? I remember the first time I read erotica (close to 15 years ago--good lord, this would've been before you would've started grade school!), one of the biggest adjustments I had to make was terminology. Okay, I know I have a penis, and I've heard it called a dick before, but what the heck's a cock? Beaver, pussy, clam, muff--what, do women have some sort of animal between their legs? What on earth is going on here?? It was a bit of a language barrier, let me tell you. But your narrator-character just shifts instantly into using the term "cock"... and, even better, starts using "cum" without any prompting. I can't tell you how long it took me to figure out what "come" meant in context; there's no way I would've started using it organically. And I wouldn't've heard it from anyone either, because even at my all-boys Catholic high school, we didn't talk about ejaculation or orgasm. (Just sex.)


Second, I want to hear more overall about what your narrator-character is feeling. I don't just mean physically, though those details are good too ("He has so much hair on his chest") ("Wow, he's quite heavy") ("He wants to play with my nipples??") ("Oh lord have mercy he is PUTTING HIS PENIS INSIDE OF ME"). I mean, I also want to know what is going on emotionally. How does your narrator-character feel? Is she enjoying this? Why? Is it distasteful? Why? How do those feelings interact?

Here's the thing: regardless of what the male population would have you believe, sex is not something that's inherently interesting for its own sake. Something on the order of 30 million human beings are having sex right this very instant, and honestly, I don't care. ...Well, that's not true, I do care about one person, because she was supposed to go on a date with me tonight but then cancelled 10 hours before because--and get this--she went from, "Sorry, looking for friends only" to "Sorry, I'm suddenly with some other guy." Meaning I'm shut out in the cold, because I was the only person polite enough (that is, retarded enough) to actually respect her desire to be treated as a friend and not a piece of meat. In other words, that guy she's having sex with should be me. And instead, some asshole who will use her and dump her is getting his paws on her instead.

...Why no, the wound doesn't sting, why do you ask?

But, digression aside... Actually, no, digression not aside. Do you see my point? Out of the 30 million human beings who are having sex this very instant, I only care about one of them--because I'm already emotionally invested in her, because I care about her as a person (in addition to as a potential sexual option). Writing is the same. Your religiously-imprisoned narrator-character is interesting, yes, but you didn't take the final, most important step: describing her feelings so that I, as a fellow human being, can empathize with her. So that I can go, "Yes, I have felt that way. I've never been quite as hemmed in as you, but I have felt the walls close in on me, I have felt powerless. We have that in common."

A cage is good, but it means nothing without a heart to flutter its wings against it.

So, simply put: I want to know more about what your narrator-character is feeling, because that's the only thing that would make me care enough to read to the end. Readers connect with characters, not with plights or with sex acts. That's all there is to it.

Hope this helps some.

this is wonderful feedback and is so helpful. thank you!

It's an excerpt though-- you have to remember that. i do talk about my feelings as the act is going on. unfortunately, that part wasn't posted. but your points are well taken.

anna

 

[CWatson]

wait, why is this spam? im sharing my story like everyone else. how do i share my story without it being spam?

By actually publishing it on Literotica.

And as to the feelings, you didn't much talk about them in the first chapter, of which the entirety is available. I don't find much reason to believe the second would be any different.

 

[AnnaHouseWife]

By actually publishing it on Literotica.

And as to the feelings, you didn't much talk about them in the first chapter, of which the entirety is available. I don't find much reason to believe the second would be any different.

I actually talk a lot about how I feel throughout the book. you gotta give it a chance and not be so quick to judge.