ideas for fearful Sub

[voir]

My Sub and I have been trying D/S again - after a previous testing of the waters - and it has been working well for the past few weeks. We have trouble getting much actual alone time for scenes, but we have established solid, nightly play between us. Mostly it is a practice of mental submission with some sexual domination as we can get away with silently. We have established a set of greeting and sleeping rituals, my Sub understands the expected positions and rituals by name, and she eagerly pleases her 'master'.

So far, so (very) good.

However, as I look forward to the next step in my Sub's education, I see the main obstacle being my Sub's fear. I felt comfortable enough in our commitment to this new element of our relationship to broach the subject of an initial, symbolic slave collar. I had suggested something like a small bracelet or leather cuff to be worn only when we are alone in her sub-space. Even at this level of secret marking she cringed. I was expecting this to be an honor and mark of achievement. I know she is similarly fearful of other aspects of her sexuality I wish to explore.

My question, then, is what would other Dom's suggest for training a Sub who is fearful to further trust her Dom and submit her fear and apprehension to me? It's very important not to push to hard too fast with my Sub, and likely any Sub for that matter. That is why I have been happy to use the time we have for mental training in the area of discipline and body ownership. I owe her a 'reward' tonight. Hopefully that will help, but I'd appreciate hearing how others have dealt with similar situations.

 

[BiBunny]

If she's afraid to trust you, then the last thing you need to do is push her with "training." You can't make her trust you. Basically, you need to spend time keeping your word, doing what you say you're going to do, and behaving consistently, rather than worrying about ownership or some other nebulous concept. The more you push, the less likely she is to trust you.

All this I know from experience.

 

[HottieMama]

If she's afraid to trust you, then the last thing you need to do is push her with "training." You can't make her trust you. Basically, you need to spend time keeping your word, doing what you say you're going to do, and behaving consistently, rather than worrying about ownership or some other nebulous concept. The more you push, the less likely she is to trust you.

All this I know from experience.

This! Exactly this. I have been there and when the above was not followed it had generally disastrous results.

 

[Lisie]

Patience and consistency are key elements to building trust for me. If a Dom is patient and caring and does what he says he will that goes a long way. Time also factors in..it takes time to build anything worthwhile. Nothing worth anything happens over night.

 

[sereneone4u]

Patience and consistency are key elements to building trust for me. If a Dom is patient and caring and does what he says he will that goes a long way. Time also factors in..it takes time to build anything worthwhile. Nothing worth anything happens over night.

I agree.

 

[geekmaster24]

Patience and consistency are key elements to building trust for me. If a Dom is patient and caring and does what he says he will that goes a long way. Time also factors in..it takes time to build anything worthwhile. Nothing worth anything happens over night.

THIS...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Some women are subs in the bedroom but can't allow that sub part of them to take over in the rest of their lives, because it can be so hard to function that way. You're asking her to take it out of the sex context.

And in a similar vein, she might simply not be willing to advertise her sex life to the world.

 

[CutieMouse]

Some see a collar as a reward/achievement; others might not see it that way at all. Personally, if I belong to my lover, I belong to my lover - I don't need a piece of jewelry for us to both know where our relationship stands.

Maybe she has a different view of symbolic ownership than yourself. I'd suggest talking about it and continue to allow things to develop at their own pace, rather than push the issue.

 

[YourCaptor]

Some see a collar as a reward/achievement; others might not see it that way at all. Personally, if I belong to my lover, I belong to my lover - I don't need a piece of jewelry for us to both know where our relationship stands.

Maybe she has a different view of symbolic ownership than yourself. I'd suggest talking about it and continue to allow things to develop at their own pace, rather than push the issue.

Ha!!!

Try telling that to a girl about marriage and the ring.

 

[YourCaptor]

My Sub and I have been trying D/S again - after a previous testing of the waters - and it has been working well for the past few weeks. We have trouble getting much actual alone time for scenes, but we have established solid, nightly play between us. Mostly it is a practice of mental submission with some sexual domination as we can get away with silently. We have established a set of greeting and sleeping rituals, my Sub understands the expected positions and rituals by name, and she eagerly pleases her 'master'.

So far, so (very) good.

However, as I look forward to the next step in my Sub's education, I see the main obstacle being my Sub's fear. I felt comfortable enough in our commitment to this new element of our relationship to broach the subject of an initial, symbolic slave collar. I had suggested something like a small bracelet or leather cuff to be worn only when we are alone in her sub-space. Even at this level of secret marking she cringed. I was expecting this to be an honor and mark of achievement. I know she is similarly fearful of other aspects of her sexuality I wish to explore.

My question, then, is what would other Dom's suggest for training a Sub who is fearful to further trust her Dom and submit her fear and apprehension to me? It's very important not to push to hard too fast with my Sub, and likely any Sub for that matter. That is why I have been happy to use the time we have for mental training in the area of discipline and body ownership. I owe her a 'reward' tonight. Hopefully that will help, but I'd appreciate hearing how others have dealt with similar situations.

Maybe shes not as serious about the whole thing as you?

 

[Noira]

I admit I kind of rolled my eyes. Trust and respect has to be earned. Sometimes it's hard. You can't force it and you can't fake it if you want a happy relationship with a happy sub. Sometimes that means compromises have to be made.

One of my first thoughts was "maybe she just wants to keep it in the bedroom". It might not be a trust issue, it might be a kink issue. Don't go projecting "all women are naturally submissive" onto her; if her kink happens to be to be dominated in the bedroom and nowhere else that might very well be why you're getting cringes when you're suggesting things that take the kink away from nightly play and into the daily life arena.

Instead of asking us how you can make her trust you (yes, "how do I train her to trust me" equates "how do I force her to do what I want"), why don't you ask her how she feels about it? Submission doesn't give you an automatic doormat. Obviously if her emotions and feelings are getting in the way, we can't give you a perfect answer. Communicate with her and find out how she feels about these things you're interested in, without the kink getting in the way. Put away the fetishes. Put away the games. Put away the "mental submission and body ownership" and whatever other bullshit might be making her afraid to breech topics with you, sit down, and have a nice frank discussion with her about where this is going.

For me, at least, open communication is the best way to build trust. No fear of manipulation, no fear of rejection, everything set aside in favor of honesty and communication. If she knows you are a man worthy of her trust, with integrity and positive qualities, then you will have earned it and there will be less fear.

 

[Keroin]

Ha!!!

Try telling that to a girl about marriage and the ring.

I'm married. I didn't ask for or want a ring. I don't wear jewellry. Neither does L. We are both happily ring-less.

But, I know what you're saying. We've (general we) bought into this weird notion of 'expensive shiny things = love'.

However, not all women care about it.

/side rant

 

[voir]

I might have mist-stated what I meant, and there's a bit of context I should have shared as well. I do agree with several people's comments about not being able to force trust.

My Sub and I have been married almost 20 years now. She has been trying to be submissive for a long time and it's only recently, in the context of a dom/sub relationship that I was able to understand and cooperate. When we were young she was a wild thing Over the years she's become only slightly less wild but much less comfortable about it. She has been very enthusiastic about her role as my sub. As such, I was thinking I could help her explore and regain confidence in her desirability.

I guess I was thinking I might be able to help her regain what I see as a lack of self-confidence about being attractive and desired, and become more comfortable about her sexuality again. She's a great sub, a great wife, and I love her very much. It's not my intention to force anything. I want to help her explore her submission, since she enjoys it so much, and her lack of confidence seems to be getting in the way.

 

[voir]

I'm married. I didn't ask for or want a ring. I don't wear jewellry. Neither does L. We are both happily ring-less.

But, I know what you're saying. We've (general we) bought into this weird notion of 'expensive shiny things = love'.

However, not all women care about it.

/side rant

Right on. We have cheap rings and had a tiny, tacky ceremony - and that was only so the family had something to be included in.

The collar idea is tough for me. Even a symbolic collar is incredibly erotic for me, but she may never be comfortable with it. This begs the question of who has the power in a dom/sub relationship.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Right on. We have cheap rings and had a tiny, tacky ceremony - and that was only so the family had something to be included in.

The collar idea is tough for me. Even a symbolic collar is incredibly erotic for me, but she may never be comfortable with it.

wearing a collar is incredibly erotic for me-- but I don't do "submission" very well. So I wear one to turn myself on. And sometimes, to give some top (who is not "my dom"*) a handy bondage point.

Would she wear it in the bedroom? because it turns you on?

This begs the question of who has the power in a dom/sub relationship.

Not all D/s relationships are total power exchanges. In fact, most of them aren't. We all of us have way too much else to do in the world, and can only fantasize such things and wish those sexy novels were true.

She's giving you the power in the bedroom. This means that she expects a whole lot of benefit to come from that. REAL GOOD ORGASMS for the BOTH of you. Concentrate on that task. With power comes responsibility.

*have you read any of my rants on labels and their misapplications?

 

[YourCaptor]

I'm married. I didn't ask for or want a ring. I don't wear jewellry. Neither does L. We are both happily ring-less.

But, I know what you're saying. We've (general we) bought into this weird notion of 'expensive shiny things = love'.

However, not all women care about it.

/side rant

http://youtu.be/5Ur2er-STls?t=3s

 

[StrayKat]

I had been offered a collar just recently and I "cringed" too, not out of fear but because it is not who I am and it is not the way I want that relationship to go. Actually my first reaction was anger and disgust and it took me some counting to 10 and a lot of self control to explain to the guy why exactly I am not and will never be thrilled with the idea in a constructive manner. I know he didnt mean it in a bad way either, knowing my present situation he was basically offering me a safety in his eyes. I could have just said "NO way in hell", put my nose up and walk out the door, the way I felt at first, but I respect him enough to curb my temper and tell him exactly why I am not at all pleased with the idea, albeit I acknowledge his good intentions.

So if I could do that for not much more but casual fuck buddy, I would expect your wife of 20 years to talk to you even more so. None here, complete strangers on the internet, can say what is in your wifes head nor why the idea of a collar makes her cringe. I would say you should talk to her, not to a "sub" but to a wife who apparently has some problems to solve with you. Is it a trust or something else only she can tell you.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I had been offered a collar just recently and I "cringed" too, not out of fear but because it is not who I am and it is not the way I want that relationship to go. Actually my first reaction was anger and disgust and it took me some counting to 10 and a lot of self control to explain to the guy why exactly I am not and will never be thrilled with the idea in a constructive manner. I know he didnt mean it in a bad way either, knowing my present situation he was basically offering me a safety in his eyes. I could have just said "NO way in hell", put my nose up and walk out the door, the way I felt at first, but I respect him enough to curb my temper and tell him exactly why I am not at all pleased with the idea, albeit I acknowledge his good intentions.

So if I could do that for not much more but casual fuck buddy, I would expect your wife of 20 years to talk to you even more so. None here, complete strangers on the internet, can say what is in your wifes head nor why the idea of a collar makes her cringe. I would say you should talk to her, not to a "sub" but to a wife who apparently has some problems to solve with you. Is it a trust or something else only she can tell you.

This!

 

[4bidnfruit]

Wow!

I don’t normally offer my thoughts on marriages but considering I have been married just as long and don’t identify as a sub, I thought I would make the exception. There are plenty of collars out there that can be worn as regular jewelry and my husband would not hesitate to buy them for me but if he tagged it as a collar, it would choke me.

We’ve had 20 good years with me serving him as my husband and changing the dynamics of that relation would scare the hell out of me and it wouldn’t be a sign of disrespect or lack of trust. I’d wonder if what I do as a wife, because I love him, would become expected and not appreciated because I am a sub. It might not be the case but it doesn’t make the fear less real.

You said she is a good wife and I’m banking when y’all first got married, she had some fears about that, I know I did. My husband’s greatest complaint in our relationship was the fact that I don’t talk about my emotions, what I am thinking, feeling, and all the mushy bullshit. I need to internalize it and figure out how I feel about it before he goes offering his thoughts, opinions, or ideas on how to fix it, let it go, accept it, or any other thoughts that he has in his mind.

Now, if my husband and I were trying to change the dynamics of the relationship and have decided that I would become a submissive, I would want the power dynamics to start in the bedroom. Control and as Stella said, some real GOOD orgasms. I would worry if my husband stopped calling me his wife and started referring to me as his sub. I would be scared of him losing all that husbandly respect that he has shown me. There is so much information out there and if she is educating herself, it could be too much TMI. I know reading them can get my panties wet but in reality, it would flip me out.

I wish I had some advice for you but I don’t. I just wanted to give my thoughts because, I believe, some stranger calling me a slut while he fucks me would be totally different than a husband who has never called me out of name suddenly shocking me with his new behavior. The fact that you two are dabbling in this after 20 years is a sign of a strong marriage and great communication. Changing the dynamics of such a long relationship isn’t easy and I wish you luck. Take it slow and remember that what excites you could excite her as well but likely probably comes with a great amount of fear. .

 

[Etoile]

好思想......

何...?