New and curious..

[EmilyRose91]

Hey,

My name's Emily; I'm 20 and living in New York. I'm relatively new to BDSM, I only recently figured out that I there is something of a classification for all the things I'm into. I want/need an older man, but although I have no problem with men my age I don't know how to go about finding a smart older man who would be willing to treat me somewhat firmly. In fact... I'm not really sure how to go about finding out all there is to know about BDSM, much less how I can explain to my sexual partners what I'm into..?

Sorry if this was pretty vague, I'm new here and trying to figure things out.

 

[ravi64]

Hey,

My name's Emily; I'm 20 and living in New York. I'm relatively new to BDSM, I only recently figured out that I there is something of a classification for all the things I'm into. I want/need an older man, but although I have no problem with men my age I don't know how to go about finding a smart older man who would be willing to treat me somewhat firmly. In fact... I'm not really sure how to go about finding out all there is to know about BDSM, much less how I can explain to my sexual partners what I'm into..?

Sorry if this was pretty vague, I'm new here and trying to figure things out.

Have faith and you shall find guidance

 

[Sangsuesub]

Hi! I'm kind of in the same boat. I joined these discussion boards to find out more, but my main starting point has been reading more about bdsm. I've raided the heck out of my library, which surprisingly has a lot of info.

As to how to find a dominant partner, I seriously haven't quite figured that out, but I'm meeting some interesting people around here.

 

[CutieMouse]

While I'm not personally a *huge* fan of the local scene/munch/lecture crowd, it might be useful in your situation. If you make a profile on fetlife.com, you should be able to find local groups, organizations, etc... I believe TES is based in NYC, and it's one of the oldest BDSM organizations in the country.

Having said that... Don't submit to anyone until you really know yourself. Read. Ask questions. Attend munches ("vanilla" socials w/out any pressure to participate). Go to conferences. Find a mentor. Bottom (temporary "submission" that falls under specifically agreed upon limits) to a few people to see what it's like. A 20 year old, eager to learn, but not yet educated is often seen as fresh meat to the Dominant wolves out there... Keep an open heart, but a wise mind.

 

[StrayKat]

Have faith and you shall find guidance

You should do something about that AV its eye sore.

As to how to find a dominant partner, I seriously haven't quite figured that out, but I'm meeting some interesting people around here.

Same as you would go about finding any other partner I guess. Dominants are not a different specie, just people like you and me with a bit different tastes in life.
More people you meet more chance you will find that one special snowflake.

As far as "people around here" go, use your common sense and take everyone with a grain of salt. Internet is fine for a starters but I would personally move into reality as soon as my comfort zone allows it.

 

[ga400us]

While I'm not personally a *huge* fan of the local scene/munch/lecture crowd, it might be useful in your situation. If you make a profile on fetlife.com, you should be able to find local groups, organizations, etc... I believe TES is based in NYC, and it's one of the oldest BDSM organizations in the country.

Having said that... Don't submit to anyone until you really know yourself. Read. Ask questions. Attend munches ("vanilla" socials w/out any pressure to participate). Go to conferences. Find a mentor. Bottom (temporary "submission" that falls under specifically agreed upon limits) to a few people to see what it's like. A 20 year old, eager to learn, but not yet educated is often seen as fresh meat to the Dominant wolves out there... Keep an open heart, but a wise mind.

Great advice Cutie

 

[subwannabe]

Welcome to being a 20 year old! Your main problem is your age and experience. As in the business world, you don't usually start out at the top. You gain experience and knowledge little by little as you grow and often trying to jump in before you can swim doesn't work out. As with relationships, BDSM isn't something you just jump into hook, line, and sinker. As far as BDSM goes I think way too many people try putting the cart before the horse. I personally think you need to find the relationships first and nurture them like a growing seed. If you give your seed good dirt, water, and sun and it doesn't grow well then it's time to plant a new seed somewhere else. I think too many people try to find the BDSM first and then look for a partner later. Reading and learning about BDSM is highly recommended but in the end you have to plant the seed and see if it grows. Test the waters and take baby steps until you have found what you are looking for then go for it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Bottom (temporary "submission" that falls under specifically agreed upon limits)

Good definition, Cutie! Thank you so much, I'm going to use it.

To our new friends, there are two really important words in that definition. Limits is one, and for beginners, in my opinion, the even more important word is temporary.

There are more male doms desperate for pretty young females than you can imagine. You can be choosey.

Don't let people tell you that you have to Taste the Fullness of Submission in Slavery, or let yourself move in with the first guy who pushes your buttons nearly right, or accept the first collar that some dude puts around your neck. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that Dom automatically means perfect boyfriend material.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hey,

My name's Emily; I'm 20 and living in New York. I'm relatively new to BDSM, I only recently figured out that I there is something of a classification for all the things I'm into. I want/need an older man, but although I have no problem with men my age I don't know how to go about finding a smart older man who would be willing to treat me somewhat firmly. In fact... I'm not really sure how to go about finding out all there is to know about BDSM, much less how I can explain to my sexual partners what I'm into..?

Sorry if this was pretty vague, I'm new here and trying to figure things out.

If you find out "all there is to know about BDSM," let me know how, willya? I've been doing this in one form or another for more than 40 years, and if there's one thing of which I'm absolutely positive, it's that I'll *never* know "all there is to know about BDSM!" (Or even close to all of it.) (Nor do I want to, honestly. There are some practices in this culture that just don't float my boat in the slightest.)

That said... CutieMouse's advice was well-given and well thought out. Read it two or three times, and look into TES and other NY groups near you. There should be a crapton of them, depending on what part of the state you live in. Read through anything and everthing in the BDSM Library (<-- link) that strikes your fancy or arouses your curiosity/interest. Check out the BDSM Stories Hub at Literotica (<-- link), but please remember that 99.999% (or more) of them are fantasy, and much that occurs in them is not feasible in the real world, even for 24/7 TPEers.

Above all... TAKE YOUR TIME! You're 20 years old. You have a lifetime ahead of you to discover what you like, what you want, what you need, and how to get those things safely and sanely. Submissive, slave or bottom, you're not a doormat. Don't let anyone walk on you until and unless (1) you have spent some vanilla time with them, (2) checked them out with other members of the community if at all possible, (3) done some sort of background check on them, (4) and want and have agreed to let them walk on you. As CM said... don't be fresh meat for the Dominant (or wannabe Dominant) wolves out there.

 

[StrayKat]

Good definition, Cutie! Thank you so much, I'm going to use it.

To our new friends, there are two really important words in that definition. Limits is one, and for beginners, in my opinion, the even more important word is temporary.

There are more male doms desperate for pretty young females than you can imagine. You can be choosey.

Don't let people tell you that you have to Taste the Fullness of Submission in Slavery, or let yourself move in with the first guy who pushes your buttons nearly right, or accept the first collar that some dude puts around your neck. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that Dom automatically means perfect boyfriend material.

I find your posts to be pure gold Stella, no fooling around now

There are more male doms desperate for any kind of female willing to submit than one would imagine. They tend to keep it under the belt too and takes some time to realize how exactly eager they are to hook you up.

 

[YourCaptor]

Hey,

My name's Emily; I'm 20 and living in New York. I'm relatively new to BDSM, I only recently figured out that I there is something of a classification for all the things I'm into. I want/need an older man, but although I have no problem with men my age I don't know how to go about finding a smart older man who would be willing to treat me somewhat firmly. In fact... I'm not really sure how to go about finding out all there is to know about BDSM, much less how I can explain to my sexual partners what I'm into..?

Sorry if this was pretty vague, I'm new here and trying to figure things out.

All I got here is old people. Lets trade places.

 

[BurningSlowly]

I'm also twenty(ish) and am in the same boat. I've been told and have read multiple times to find a mentor. My question is, how does one find a mentor?

 

[Kojote]

I'm also twenty(ish) and am in the same boat. I've been told and have read multiple times to find a mentor. My question is, how does one find a mentor?

The question is: Why should you need a mentor?
Maybe it's me who is totally not into anything formalized, but a mentor sounds like a person who knows and can teach you.
But which person on earth can possibly know your likes and dislikes? Especially if you don't know them yourself.

I'd say: Got and play a little. Be choosey. Set limits. But just do a bit of this and that and look if it hits the right buttons.
Make you own personal bdsm-rulebook. the ones of anybody else won't fit your need anyway...

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm also twenty(ish) and am in the same boat. I've been told and have read multiple times to find a mentor. My question is, how does one find a mentor?

My definition of "mentor" is "kink-friendly friend you can talk things through with". Some people do the mentor thing in a formal manner (a new friend is going through a year+ long training via a local MAsT group), some use message boards (Lit/Fet), some use good friends, some do an informal one-on-one thing (reading/discussing books/etc), some never even bother with the mentor thing.

Some people argue submissives should mentor submissives (and dominants mentor dominants); some say never mentor the opposite sex. Most people agree intimacy/sex/play is *not* a part of mentoring, as it tends to blur the lines/create sticky ethics.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm also twenty(ish) and am in the same boat. I've been told and have read multiple times to find a mentor. My question is, how does one find a mentor?

As CM said above, you can find mentors of various stripes in various places.

I'd like to offer one piece of generalized advice: if a guy offers to mentor you and his version of mentoring involves his cock and your body, he's not really interested in being a mentor. That may seem like a no-brainer from the outside looking in, but the number of times I've read lament-filled posts about "mentors" who mostly just wanted to get laid with eager blowjobs on the side is legion.

First rule of mentoring: everything you do is for the benefit of your mentee and not at all about yourself.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hmm... three days since the original post in the thread, and nothing since, even in other threads. Perhaps she didn't like hearing what the experienced folk had to say, since it didn't fit into her dreams of magically finding the perfect mentor and Dominant (hopefully, different persons). <Sigh> There have been so many threads of this type over the years, of persons asking for advice/information and then never coming back again, even to say, "I think you're full of shit, and you're harshing my dream, but thanks for trying..."

 

[StrayKat]

Hmm... three days since the original post in the thread, and nothing since, even in other threads. Perhaps she didn't like hearing what the experienced folk had to say, since it didn't fit into her dreams of magically finding the perfect mentor and Dominant (hopefully, different persons). <Sigh> There have been so many threads of this type over the years, of persons asking for advice/information and then never coming back again, even to say, "I think you're full of shit, and you're harshing my dream, but thanks for trying..."

Hey its internet board, you dont seriously expect people to show the same kind of courtesy they would if it was some real life meeting, do you now?

Does it matter anyway? There are some of us who learn from even the most stupid starter threads, thanks to you experienced folk giving sincere and honest answers.
If it makes you feel any better I am grateful even though I never asked the initial question and dont think you are full of shit...

 

[txblush]

If I may. She's 20 years old. Give her time to process very good advice.

In the meantime, I want to thank all of you for the time you took to reply.

 

[midwestyankee]

Hey its internet board, you dont seriously expect people to show the same kind of courtesy they would if it was some real life meeting, do you now?

Does it matter anyway? There are some of us who learn from even the most stupid starter threads, thanks to you experienced folk giving sincere and honest answers.
If it makes you feel any better I am grateful even though I never asked the initial question and dont think you are full of shit...

Fair enough. And, to add to this, we all learn a little bit just from the exercise of putting our thoughts into writing.

 

[iliketights]

best be careful and go slow

 

[DVS]

Oh, 20 years old and new? My God, won't the fakers, posers and newbie doms be on the prowl looking for her. She's going to have a difficult time finding someone who will be honest and tell her the truth, if they also think they have a chance to get into her pants.

So, sweetie, if you are still here and reading these posts, keep a thick skin and watch your back. Don't take any one person's opinion for anything, especially a dom...or even a male. Yes, there are some males who will tell you they are a dom, but they fall into that fake and poser category. I'd say join a munch group somewhere close to you, and strike up a conversation with a female submissive.

Oh, and if that female submissive wants to take you home to meet her dom boyfriend, I'd really watch out for that. It's best you just stay on the outside of things for a while, until you really find out how things are done. Make a list of your limits, both hard limits and soft limits and stick by those.

Once you start playing with someone, those will tell him how far you are willing to go. If he even breathes like he's going to go past one of your limits, he's already hit a suspicious area. Trust is a very major part of any D/s, BDSM relationship. If you don't feel you can trust someone to be telling you the truth, or if you can't be sure they will stick to your limits, run the other way as fast as you can. They aren't true BDSM people.

Yes, there are some good ones out there, but unfortunately, everybody looks the same, until you know who you can trust.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Oh, 20 years old and new? My God, won't the fakers, posers and newbie doms be on the prowl looking for her. She's going to have a difficult time finding someone who will be honest and tell her the truth, if they also think they have a chance to get into her pants.

I'd say this is the reason she's not been back yet. Probably gotten RSI from hitting delete on all the icky pms.

 

[Kojote]

*chuckles*
Why don't I ever get those icky pms?
Ah wait... Way older than 20, not petite, not naive and rather snappish.
Couldn't be connected to me being male, could it? They wouldn't be that picky...?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I'd say this is the reason she's not been back yet. Probably gotten RSI from hitting delete on all the icky pms.

Meh, yeah. You're probably right, Lizzie. I was feelin' kind of cranky when I posted that little snark. I'm not gonna delete it, though. Snark is part of me, and I seldom try to hide it.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

*chuckles*
Why don't I ever get those icky pms?
Ah wait... Way older than 20, not petite, not naive and rather snappish.
Couldn't be connected to me being male, could it? They wouldn't be that picky...?

Change your av to a hot girl one, and see what happens?

Meh, yeah. You're probably right, Lizzie. I was feelin' kind of cranky when I posted that little snark. I'm not gonna delete it, though. Snark is part of me, and I seldom try to hide it.

And we wouldn't have you any other way