Second story - requesting feedback

[knickerless_n]

Hello all,

I would like to request feedback on my second story if I may? http://www.literotica.com/s/back-from-a-date in Erotic couplings. All constructive feedback welcome.

 

[Plinth]

I liked this a lot! The bits of close description but especially the pillow talk, which was a change from the usual clichés. And as a Brit, 'arse' does it for me in a way 'ass' just can't...

 

[Tmmldr]

I couldn't connect with it, and here's why. The first paragraphs don't tell me anyhing about these two people, either in terms of their bodies, their minds or character. I can't emphasize with them. Is the woman itching for sex because of (a,b,c,d, whatever)? Is the guy ridiculously short and the woman tall? Total nerds or met running marathons?

 

[biziwen]

Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane



Title Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane About the Author Dennis Lehane is the author of nine novels—including the New York Times bestsellers Gone, Baby,
San Jose Asian Escort Gone; Mystic River; Shutter Island; and The Given Day—as well as Coronado, San Jose Asian Escortsa collection of short stories and a play. He and his wife, Angie, divide their time between Boston and the Gulf Coast of Florida. Book Description Acclaimed New York Times bestselling author Dennis Lehane delivers an explosive tale of integrity and San Jose Escortvengeance—heralding the long-awaited return of private investigators Patrick Kenzie and Angela Gennaro? Amanda McCready was four years old when she vanished from a Boston neighborhood twelve years ago.San Jose Escorts

 

[CarlusMagnus]

I can't emphasize with them.

Empathize??

 

[roomfor1more]

A good attempt but needed work

Overall I felt the story had a lot of potential and if it was edited more it could have been a great story. My own feeling the story had the necessary elements for a story to be rated well above 4 but you were not able to bring it out. I feel there were two hindrances that adversely impacted your story. First, I feel you may have read too much about creative writing without considering the type of story you were writing. This was evident by action words like impaling and staccato. However the words I felt did not effectively convey what you were trying to say.

Second issue was you did not describe. An example would be, "Alexandra's thong provided the next sensory treat. " What about that thong provided a visual treat? Just stating it means absolutely nothing to the reader, you need to describe it along with their reactions to seeing the thong. Simply put you did not engage the reader and the story suffered because of it.

A minor issue that did not overly impact my ability to read the story but is a point for consideration includes typographical errors. I realize we all use a spell check to catch errors but it does not catch errors when you type in the wrong word that is spelled correctly. For example I notice you used has instead of as and the above poster also noted another example.

My advice for you next story is to think about your audience and take time to describe things without writing as though you swallowed a dictionary. The best way to do this is spend time reading a lot of stories ranked at least 4.0 in the category(ies) that you are considering placing you next story. It will help you to gauge the level that you to write and the level of detail you need to include when writing your descriptions. Finally take time to read through your story and take the time to read it out load. By doing this you will catch errors that a spelling checker may not have caught or grammar checker.