Looking for critques - The Masked Lothario

[Angellica1612]

Hi all! This is my first submission and while the comments I've had so far have been positive, I'd like more feedback. I'm new to writing, and I want to improve my skills. The best way to do that is to find out what readers like and don't like. Thanks for your time, and I hope you enjoy it!

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-masked-lothario

 

[kuellar]

Hi there - and congrats on your first submission!

I should mention first of all that I don't tend to find this sort of story very erotic, so any comments I make are going to be from a purely "storytelling" perspective. I can't really comment on the eroticism of the piece, since I would be hopelessly biased, but hopefully you'll find something useful in what I have to say.

In general, I think the story was well-written. The language was good, it flowed pretty well, and I think you did a good job with the pacing (given that it's essentially just a single long scene).

I do have some more specific comments though, and I've split them up into sections to make things easier.

Perspective

The first thing that struck me about this was the sudden change in perspective ("As she sat there, she was unaware of the man hidden in the trees, watching her. It wasn't his first visit...."). To be honest, I don't like it.

In fact, I would suggest leaving out entirely everything written from the Masked Lothario's perspective (including the paragraph "The man outside smiled...went about his preparations"). I don't feel it adds anything substantial, and the change in perspective (I feel) breaks the flow of the story a little too much.

As an added bonus, this way there's also a bit more menace/mystique to the Masked Lothario, as we meet him for the first time when Adrianna wakes up to find him in her bedroom. It's a bit hard to think of someone as "mysterious" and "seductive" when you've just been reading about him skulking behind trees and slitting screens to get into houses, in my opinion

(If you do decide to make everything from Adrianna's perspective, you might also have to alter some of the more integrated bits that are from the ML's perspective - so "He saw her eyes go wide, and chuckled" would become, "Her eyes widened in shock, and he chuckled", for example.)

Description

While you generally do a good job describing the scenes and engaging the reader in what's going on, I think there's room for a lot more. For example, this paragraph:

"That statement alarmed Adrianna, and she stiffened, her eyes wide. She gave a muffled shriek when his fingers moved over her mound. His gaze grew more intense as he covered her with his hand and rubbed lightly. On the third rub, he slipped a finger between her folds, eliciting another shriek from her. She shook her head vigorously, and her legs strained to close, but there was nothing she could do to evade his touch. He rubbed slowly, up and down, then side to side, then in small circles. He encouraged her to relax and enjoy it. She glared at him."

To me, that all seems like a very clinical sort of description. Sure, after reading that paragraph I know what's happening, but I don't really feel the emotion that I think ought to be there. It's a fine line, I know - there is such a thing as over-describing something - but in general I think there's room for you to explore a lot more of the emotions, and the sensations (sight, sound, touch, etc), that Adrianna is feeling.

As another example - "After a few minutes of this, she was shocked to realize it felt good. She squeezed her eyes shut, repeating over and over, 'No, no, no, no.' but it really did feel good."

Again, there seems to be room for a lot more. How does it feel good? What does "feeling good" entail, exactly? Is it his tenderness that feels good? Is it his experienced touch? What about her fear, how does that play into this emotional cocktail? Or her anger? Is there a bit of burgeoning excitement, even? Now I'm not saying all these questions need to be answered exhaustively; my point is, I think there's room for you to be more detailed, and more daring, with your descriptions here. (It's also worth keeping in mind the old "show, don't tell" rule.)

Plot

Okay, so there isn't much plot here - it's for the most part an extended scene. (Nothing wrong with that.) The only thing I wanted to say has to do with the introduction of the Masked Lothario.

It starts with, "The program was enjoyable, but there was disturbing news" - and then, bam! In the space of three sentences, we find out that six women have recently been attacked by a mysterious assailant being called the Masked Lothario. That seems a little too sudden to me. Purely from a "flow of the story" perspective, I think it would be better to ease into it - maybe describe the musical program briefly, mention Adrianna overhearing snippets of conversation about the Masked Lothario; perhaps she inquires further and finds out he's struck again - something like that. Rather than just dropping it on us all at once.

But even aside from that, something just doesn't ring true - he's apparently done this to six women in the same small area (I'm assuming the attacks all took place within the resort, or the immediate surroundings): shouldn't there be a great outcry? Why does Adrianna seem so relaxed in the first few paragraphs, if she knows about these attacks? Sure, she seems nervous after hearing about the sixth attack - but what about the previous five? Personally, I think six attacks is a little too many.

I also can't help but question the description of the Masked Lothario as "gentle" - "gentle, but he drugged and raped them"... it sounds contradictory to me. (It also confuses the perspective a little, I think, as it sounds like an objective judgement.) I would find it more convincing if some of the women described him as a gentle lover - perhaps seeing themselves as having been seduced rather than raped - while the others are outraged, etc. But that's just a suggestion.

========

Anyway - all that aside, I think you did a fine job with this. All the best, and happy writing!

 

[Angellica1612]

Thanks so much for your comments and advice, it was exactly what I was looking for. I really appreciate all the time and thought you put into your reply. I am going to do some editing based on your suggestions - I understood all of your points and see how the story could be better. Thanks again!

 

[soflabbwlvr]

It pains me to say this, but I got half-way through the story and I couldn't finish it. The problem was not that it was poorly written (it wasn't) or that I found it offensive (I didn't). My problem was the story felt to me as such a female-centric fantasy that I simply could not relate to it.

Maybe it's just me, but I suspect that other male readers may feel the same. On the other hand, female readers will probably eat it up. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, per se. Write what you feel like writing, and you will find an audience. At first I consciously tried to appeal to female readers, with varying degrees of success. I'm sure that you are well on your way to achieving this, if it is your goal.

As for the actual writing, it flows well with minimal grammar or punctuation errors. I agree with kuellar regarding the changes in point of view. In most cases, it is best to adopt one POV and stick to it throughout the story. Sometimes it is necessary to change which character's POV is being presented, but if you can avoid it, you probably should.

All in all, a good effort, just not my cup o' tea.

 

[sr71plt]

I read this story because of the comments on POV. The story is written in third-person omniscient voice--and maintains that voice. Third-person omniscient (the narrator stands above and is able to know and describe the feelings/thoughts of all characters) hasn't been popular in the U.S. market for some time, but it remains popular in European markets. So, it's a legitimate voice to use and was properly used here. It could have been brought to bear more, though (showing more of the man's sensations/emotions too), and the limited use of it may have been what some commenters found disconcerting.

The writing and imagery were quite good and the story is highly literate; the presentation is almost impecable. It was a complete story, as there was change (the woman changed at least a bit on response to the taking), but it was a shallow story and thus comes across almost entirely as a sex scene (which, for Lit., is OK). There was no change in the setup of the story. A masked interloper rapes women in their bedrooms and gives them a melting cocking. Probably more than this one woman wishes they had a followup visit. And there's no change in him doing that at the end of this story. That doesn't change anything in the story setup. So, not really much of a story. Some opportunities for making it a story, though. For instance, why does he know her name?

A few minor problems with execution. I saw one mentioned already.

In the same sentence she's gone to a concert, she's gotten the news of multiple rapes. This isn't really something they would have told her at the concert. These really shouldn't be in the same sentence/thought.

The ball gag. Maybe she had a junior bag gag in her mouth, but otherwise I don't see her doing all of the screaming and talking while it's in her mouth.

The sandwiches and such conveniently sitting on her nightstand for use after they'd fucked. How the hell did they get there?

Minor issues, but they add to the thought of "this isn't really a story."

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I read this story because of the comments on POV. The story is written in third-person omniscient voice--and maintains that voice. Third-person omniscient (the narrator stands above and is able to know and describe the feelings/thoughts of all characters) hasn't been popular in the U.S. market for some time, but it remains popular in European markets. So, it's a legitimate voice to use and was properly used here. It could have been brought to bear more, though (showing more of the man's sensations/emotions too), and the limited use of it may have been what some commenters found disconcerting.

I said POV, when I meant perspective. Switching from the victim's to the perpetrator's perspective in the same paragraph threw me off.

As an aside, nearly every novel I've read in the last 30 years has been told from third person omniscient. It's used universally in Sci Fi and Fantasy.

 

[sr71plt]

I said POV, when I meant perspective. Switching from the victim's to the perpetrator's perspective in the same paragraph threw me off.

As an aside, nearly every novel I've read in the last 30 years has been told from third person omniscient. It's used universally in Sci Fi and Fantasy.

What do you think the difference is between POV (point of view) and perspective?

 

[soflabbwlvr]

What do you think the difference is between POV (point of view) and perspective?

Don't be pedantic. Simply put, perspective is who tells the story, and point of view is how they tell it.

 

[sr71plt]

Don't be pedantic. Simply put, perspective is who tells the story, and point of view is how they tell it.

It's third person. The narrator is telling it. Using third-person ominscient. The woman isn't telling the story. I don't think that's pedantic. I think you made a miscall on what bothered you about the story. I think what you probably found irksome, instead, was that we got the man's perspective (in keeping with third-person omniscient) a couple of times at the beginning--but then not later during the sex act.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

It's third person. The narrator is telling it. Using third-person ominscient. The woman isn't telling the story. I don't think that's pedantic. I think you made a miscall on what bothered you about the story. I think what you probably found irksome, instead, was that we got the man's perspective (in keeping with third-person omniscient) a couple of times at the beginning--but then not later during the sex act.

Look, I give you credit for being a bright guy. I have no interest in the debate over whether your credentials are real or imagined. But it annoys me to no end when you assume that you know what I'm thinking. That behavior borders on narcissism.

Go back and read my original post. I didn't make it the end of the story. I didn't read the sex act, so I wouldn't know that it was told from the woman's perspective, only. Rather, as I subsequently stated, it was the shift in perspective from victim to attacker in the same paragraph that bothered me. I conceded that initially I used the wrong term to describe this flaw.

Why do you have to assume that you are privy to my thoughts? You don't know everything. Writing in third person omniscient doesn't make you omniscient.

 

[sr71plt]

Ah, yes, I had you mixed up with other commenters. Sorry.

But were you expecting to get roses for calling me pedantic?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ah, yes, I had you mixed up with other commenters. Sorry.

But were you expecting to get roses for calling me pedantic?

Yup, because you are and you frighten people into believing you always know what you're talking about.

Omniscient third person POV is back in fashion in mainstream fiction.

There is increasingly a trend to build novels from chapters/segments written from a different POV and only bring them together towards the end of the novel.

sr writes in minority genres and, as a result, religiously believes in first person POV and stream of consciousness.

He is the summa cum lauda in respect in respect of grammar and style but behind the curve in popular fiction.

Take all his grammar advice as gospel but question his bias when adressed to stories he doesn't read here.

 

[sr71plt]

This from a "master writer," whose last "erotica" contribution here was an essay on bra sizes six years ago. Yep, she's certainly up on the writing of erotica.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Yup, because you are and you frighten people into believing you always know what you're talking about.

Well—some people.

 

[Angellica1612]

Thanks to all for your comments!

I read this story because of the comments on POV. The story is written in third-person omniscient voice--and maintains that voice. Third-person omniscient (the narrator stands above and is able to know and describe the feelings/thoughts of all characters) hasn't been popular in the U.S. market for some time, but it remains popular in European markets. So, it's a legitimate voice to use and was properly used here. It could have been brought to bear more, though (showing more of the man's sensations/emotions too), and the limited use of it may have been what some commenters found disconcerting.

****I see your point about the man's emotions. I think, being a woman myself, I got too wrapped up in her emotions. Lesson learned. I'll probably go too far the other way next time, lol, but it's a process, right?****


The writing and imagery were quite good and the story is highly literate; the presentation is almost impecable.

****Thank you very much, that made me feel good!****

It was a complete story, as there was change (the woman changed at least a bit on response to the taking), but it was a shallow story and thus comes across almost entirely as a sex scene (which, for Lit., is OK). There was no change in the setup of the story. A masked interloper rapes women in their bedrooms and gives them a melting cocking. Probably more than this one woman wishes they had a followup visit. And there's no change in him doing that at the end of this story. That doesn't change anything in the story setup. So, not really much of a story. Some opportunities for making it a story, though.

****I agree that it was a fairly limited piece, but I didn't want to get into too long of a story for my first one. If I let myself have free reign, I'd write a whole novel, and that wasn't my goal here. But I will keep it in my file to tweak down the road, maybe expand it a bit. I have a couple of ideas. ****

For instance, why does he know her name?

****He studied her, and was in her house previously.****

A few minor problems with execution. I saw one mentioned already.

In the same sentence she's gone to a concert, she's gotten the news of multiple rapes. This isn't really something they would have told her at the concert. These really shouldn't be in the same sentence/thought.

****I guess I was picturing her socializing a bit after the concert, and everyone would have been talking about it, I would think. failed to share that. Another lesson learned!****

The ball gag. Maybe she had a junior bag gag in her mouth, but otherwise I don't see her doing all of the screaming and talking while it's in her mouth.

***Okay, I'm red-faced about this one! In my own defense, I've never experienced this, and I think I just plain forgot she was wearing it! Lesson number 3...or is it 4?***

The sandwiches and such conveniently sitting on her nightstand for use after they'd fucked. How the hell did they get there?

****She'd been asleep, but I think I didn't make it enough that he'd gone to the kitchen while she slept.****

Minor issues, but they add to the thought of "this isn't really a story."

****And now, I have to say that I read all of the posts. I can understand that it wasn't everyone's cup of tea - no story will appeal to all, and that's okay. I have been reading stories on here too, and there have been several that I chose not to finish for one reason or another. I appreciate everyone's time and feedback, and assure you I will take it all to heart. And wow, some of you really don't like each other much!****

PS - Why don't they have a few options like colors or italics on here??

 

[sr71plt]

PS - Why don't they have a few options like colors or italics on here??

They do. You apparently don't have yours turned on.

 

[Andromeda7]

Hi all! This is my first submission and while the comments I've had so far have been positive, I'd like more feedback. I'm new to writing, and I want to improve my skills. The best way to do that is to find out what readers like and don't like. Thanks for your time, and I hope you enjoy it!

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-masked-lothario

I like when surprised by a little gem of a story. Really good Angellica1612.
I have no understanding about reviewing a story so I can only give you the view point of a reader.
It grabbed me straight up and flowed seamlessly to the end and as a reader I felt part of it. I sometimes speed read but didn't because the story carried me comfortably all the way. I was satisfied at the end, time well spent on a story that had a start and end. I would like to say more but time presses.
You have talent so I hope you write more. Your posting to get feed back and refine the sharp blade of your coming story’s; that's it, you will only get better. Enjoy a bright future, cheers.