Pun of the day & funny one liners.
- Thread starter yeishia
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What's a girl to do
yeishia
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Jokes too lol
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient
was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explained,
"I am sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least
5 times a day, he'll become swollen. "Oh, I am so sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the
same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God," said the queen, "what's happening in
there?" The Doctor replied, "same problem, better health plan"
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient
was masturbating. "Oh my God," said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explained,
"I am sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least
5 times a day, he'll become swollen. "Oh, I am so sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the
same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God," said the queen, "what's happening in
there?" The Doctor replied, "same problem, better health plan"
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Light Ice
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A sailor and a Priest are golfing. Throughout the round the sailor cannot keep his language in check - much to the chagrin of the Priest. Finally, the Priest has enough and points a crooked finger at the sailor.
"If you curse one more time, God will punish you." He says.
The Sailor misses his next put and mutters, "Shit, I missed."
"That's it," says the Priest. "He will punish you, surely, now."
A crack of thunder rolls and a bolt of lightning descends from the sky, striking the Priest and killing him.
Off in the distance a booming, deep voice says, "Shit, I missed!"
"If you curse one more time, God will punish you." He says.
The Sailor misses his next put and mutters, "Shit, I missed."
"That's it," says the Priest. "He will punish you, surely, now."
A crack of thunder rolls and a bolt of lightning descends from the sky, striking the Priest and killing him.
Off in the distance a booming, deep voice says, "Shit, I missed!"
yeishia
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I went to the doctor because I was having some trouble. I hadn't had a bowel movement in over a week. After a thorough examination, Doctor
Irving gave me a prescription for some suppositories. He told me,"These should clear everything up. However, if there is still a
problem after about a week, come back to see me." A week went by, and I returned to see Doctor Irving. I told him that I hasn't gotten any
better at all. I still had not had a bowel movement. He asked me if I have been using the suppositories regularly as he prescribed. "Yes, I
have," I answered. 'I've been swallowing one after each meal, but for all the good they've done, I might as well have been shoving them up my arse"
Irving gave me a prescription for some suppositories. He told me,"These should clear everything up. However, if there is still a
problem after about a week, come back to see me." A week went by, and I returned to see Doctor Irving. I told him that I hasn't gotten any
better at all. I still had not had a bowel movement. He asked me if I have been using the suppositories regularly as he prescribed. "Yes, I
have," I answered. 'I've been swallowing one after each meal, but for all the good they've done, I might as well have been shoving them up my arse"
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Light Ice
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He reaches over and threads a small tulip into Y's hair.
D
Deleted member 1126402
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Of course I talk to myself. How else am I going to have an intelligent conversation?
Light Ice
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Well, kid. How about yourself?
Mythil
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Just to clarify, I do not have children - this is just something a coworker sent me that I thought was absolutely hilarious.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
yeishia
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That was so precious *giggles*
yeishia
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Jack left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane
ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw
his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her,reached out, and squeezed her left breast "Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw
his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her,reached out, and squeezed her left breast "Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
Annisthyrienne
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Cheska
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ow -_-
Annisthyrienne
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
The lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all the references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
The lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all the references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Cheska
Renaissance Nerd.
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Member involved Humor!
As I was enjoying the secret place of my Elvin friend, I commented, "They say, that you are what you eat." and Thyri looked down upon me through her heated passion, a smirk upon her lips.
I finished with "I should be you, by morning."
As I was enjoying the secret place of my Elvin friend, I commented, "They say, that you are what you eat." and Thyri looked down upon me through her heated passion, a smirk upon her lips.
I finished with "I should be you, by morning."
Annisthyrienne
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Member involved Humor!
As I was enjoying the secret place of my Elvin friend, I commented, "They say, that you are what you eat." and Thyri looked down upon me through her heated passion, a smirk upon her lips.
I finished with "I should be you, by morning."
*Giggles!*
Annisthyrienne
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yeishia
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