Looking for feedback!

[lost_in_you]

Having just submitted my 3rd installment, I'm a little unsure of it. If someone has a little time to read all 3 and provide feedback, I'd love it. The 3rd chapter has been in the works for over a year but I never could make it do what I wanted. I'm still not sure it does.

So...Thoughts?

 

[bullus]

Please provide a link to your story.

 

[lost_in_you]

Sorry! It was my signature.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1026092&page=submissions


Also-if it's not too demanding, I'd appreciate feedback here. I've noticed a couple of votes but that doesn't really tell me anything about what went wrong. So if I have to choose between votes there or feedback here and you'll only do one, I'd prefer the feedback here. Thanks a bunch!!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Love-in-you, as your good scores prove, you write great sex. But, however erotic your ‘scenes’ are, they aren’t really stories. I know, ‘stroke’ doesn’t need the kind of plot development of a long novella or romance but surely you need to flesh out Jason, Malik and ‘You’ a tad more than you do.

I read part 3 first and would question whether it was a stand-alone piece. It was only after reading the first two that I understood the steaminess of 3. You don’t explain the relationship so it is difficult to understand or empathise with the characters.

However fast you feel you need to get to the ‘good bits’, a bit of justification/explanation of Malik and Jason would get us wanting the sex; tease us a little.

There is a well-worn, but eternally true, maxim in fiction to ‘show not tell’. You ‘tell’ most of the time and a lot more put into dialogue would bring things to life. In fact, your comment to SuperEagle that he could slow the pace, develop the characters a tad more and still give the readers what they want seems appropriate here.

In part 1 you commit the first sin of first person and start talking to the readers,

Maybe I shouldn’t say I was sitting...

Have you ever sat...

I know you can’t tell from this story...

We’re hiding behind the curtains as voyeurs and you, the writer, are not the ‘I’ of the story who doesn’t know we are there.

I was left with a few questions,

What bride-to-be lets her guy go off for a bachelor weekend with his former bedding partner?

Where did Malik appear from?

Why do we need to know all about medical imagery?

I’m not sure you chose the right cat. E&V seems to score lower than EC – which is where I think I would have put it.

Hope this helps.

 

[lost_in_you]

Love-in-you, as your good scores prove, you write great sex. But, however erotic your ‘scenes’ are, they aren’t really stories. I know, ‘stroke’ doesn’t need the kind of plot development of a long novella or romance but surely you need to flesh out Jason, Malik and ‘You’ a tad more than you do.

I read part 3 first and would question whether it was a stand-alone piece. It was only after reading the first two that I understood the steaminess of 3. You don’t explain the relationship so it is difficult to understand or empathise with the characters.

However fast you feel you need to get to the ‘good bits’, a bit of justification/explanation of Malik and Jason would get us wanting the sex; tease us a little.

There is a well-worn, but eternally true, maxim in fiction to ‘show not tell’. You ‘tell’ most of the time and a lot more put into dialogue would bring things to life. In fact, your comment to SuperEagle that he could slow the pace, develop the characters a tad more and still give the readers what they want seems appropriate here.

I guess I'm a little confused here. For now, it's a story built around excerpts from a bachelor party weekend. Every one that I've been on has had very little dialogue between the people getting laid, a lot of sex, drinking and getting naked. It didn't seem like the story line for character development?

In part 1 you commit the first sin of first person and start talking to the readers,



We’re hiding behind the curtains as voyeurs and you, the writer, are not the ‘I’ of the story who doesn’t know we are there.

I was left with a few questions,

What bride-to-be lets her guy go off for a bachelor weekend with his former bedding partner?

Where did Malik appear from?

Why do we need to know all about medical imagery?

I’m not sure you chose the right cat. E&V seems to score lower than EC – which is where I think I would have put it.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the questions posed. The only one I thought for sure I answered but obviously not clearly enough was about Malik-not necessarily where he came from but just that the two met at the beginning of Jason's bachelor party as he was part of a group of Jason's friends.

As for the bride-to-be letting her guy do the trip with the girl, you've given me food for thought. I may have to develop that because there is a story there. Or chalk it up to a lesson learned in writing. I'll have to think if there's a way to backtrack.

To be honest, I didn't choose E&V. I put the story in EC like the others and it was changed over to E&V. Either that or it's due to user error. My intent was to submit it in EC.

I appreciate the feedback! If you have time, can you clarify the few questions here? Namely the character development during a bachelor party. How far would you take that?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I guess I'm a little confused here. For now, it's a story built around excerpts from a bachelor party weekend. Every one that I've been on has had very little dialogue between the people getting laid, a lot of sex, drinking and getting naked. It didn't seem like the story line for character development?

Ah, I read it the other way with the key plot being 'I' and Malik and the bachelor weekend just a deus ex machina to hang the story of the relationship on. You start long after the party with Malik as the significant other and, apart from a short passage with Jason, only Malik is in the story as a one-on-one. I totally agree that a Group sex party tends to be all sweaty interaction but you you don't describe the titty bar scene and all the others present. I thought you were writing an 'I' and Malik EC.

Thanks for the questions posed. The only one I thought for sure I answered but obviously not clearly enough was about Malik-not necessarily where he came from but just that the two met at the beginning of Jason's bachelor party as he was part of a group of Jason's friends.

Yes, now I understand that the weekend was your focus, of course the random encounter makes sense. It's just that he is clearly the antag to her protag and he seems a bit two-dimensional.

As for the bride-to-be letting her guy do the trip with the girl, you've given me food for thought. I may have to develop that because there is a story there. Or chalk it up to a lesson learned in writing. I'll have to think if there's a way to backtrack.

No, not backtrack, go off on a tangent. Paco Fear does it superbly with his brilliant lesbian stories where characters that have bit parts in one story become leads in another. Just imagine the bachelorette party where the bride-to-be gets her revenge.

To be honest, I didn't choose E&V. I put the story in EC like the others and it was changed over to E&V. Either that or it's due to user error. My intent was to submit it in EC.

I'm no expert, you need sr or dark to guide you, but I think if you PM Laurel to ask for a change and explain, it will get considered.

I appreciate the feedback! If you have time, can you clarify the few questions here? Namely the character development during a bachelor party. How far would you take that?

I wouldn't worry about character development much in a sex fest, but that is not what you write. The popular bachelor party stories here are rip-roaring R-Rated Disney but you are developing a relationship which sits uneasily with a bacchanalial orgy.

Hope this helps.