Feedback for non-newbie.

[BlacKatt]

Okay, here's the deal.

I've been writing for years now and contributed to Lit under a different pen name before. I wrote a seven-chapter series that received mostly positive feedback, but I know my writing skills were not nearly as advanced as they are now.

I don't think I'm the best writer by any means, but I'm not a newbie.

With that said, it's been almost two years since I've written creatively (I was a columnist/journalist for a while) and I need HONEST feedback. If that's blunt, cool. If it's overly mean but has some helpful pointers, right on. I just need to know where I stand.

Writing is my first and only love. I can't think of anything else I'd want to do and I'd love to be published someday. I know there's debate and disagreements over what makes a writer's material "publishable," but I think we all can agree that the writer has to have SOME talent.

I'll end my rambling by posting a short excerpt from a story I've been working on. I've developed an outline that is, for the most part, complete, but we all know changes happen during the actual writing of the novel or story. I don't want to share the plot of the story -- I want the reader to be intrigued at the end, but not confused or turned off completely.

*

As I walked up the staircase to my room, long forgotten memories made its way back into my psyche. The unidentifiable, musky aroma reminded me of all the times I’d flown up the stairs in a huff after an argument with my parents; the sound of the floorboards moaning and creaking under my weight jogged memories of rushing down the steps in a usually futile effort to catch the bus during my high school years.

The door to my room was, and had always been, rather worn and shabby. I had tried to conceal its old age by plastering posters of my favorite singers and actors over it. A stubborn Backstreet Boys poster that refused to come off was stuck to the door, and I debated whether to smile or cringe in embarrassment.

I entered the pitch-black room and ran my fingertips against the wall, searching for the light switch. Seconds later, a fluorescent bulb illuminated the tiny area.

With the exception of an old, cracked vanity mirror in the corner, the lavender-colored space that formerly belonged to me was as empty as the day my parents and I moved in twenty years ago. My picture window was boarded over with 2x4’s, blocking the view of Auricle Street.

I spotted the faint outline of where my desk used to be; up against the wall, right next to the door. I stood where it once sat and nostalgia set in again, recalling late nights of catching up on homework and obsessively drawing fashion sketches.

And then I remembered Jason.

I remembered climbing out of my window and having him catch me, our midnight drive in spring I could hear the song that played as the confession of a budding romance between best friends came to fruition.

I remembered the car crash that left me with debilitating anxiety and the loss of Jason moving away shortly after.

I stood frozen and recalled the entire night, from beginning to end.

 

[ShadwNinjaX]

Okay, here's the deal.

I've been writing for years now and contributed to Lit under a different pen name before. I wrote a seven-chapter series that received mostly positive feedback, but I know my writing skills were not nearly as advanced as they are now.

I don't think I'm the best writer by any means, but I'm not a newbie.

With that said, it's been almost two years since I've written creatively (I was a columnist/journalist for a while) and I need HONEST feedback. If that's blunt, cool. If it's overly mean but has some helpful pointers, right on. I just need to know where I stand.

Writing is my first and only love. I can't think of anything else I'd want to do and I'd love to be published someday. I know there's debate and disagreements over what makes a writer's material "publishable," but I think we all can agree that the writer has to have SOME talent.

I'll end my rambling by posting a short excerpt from a story I've been working on. I've developed an outline that is, for the most part, complete, but we all know changes happen during the actual writing of the novel or story. I don't want to share the plot of the story -- I want the reader to be intrigued at the end, but not confused or turned off completely.

*

I found it to be very good overall. The first paragraph did come off as a little bit of a run on but that's just me (I'm no expert in grammar). The only thing I can maybe suggest is maybe a little more injection of emotions from the perspective your are taking. There was a point where you did talk about the mix between being happy or embarrassed. I think there are other opportunities for emotion to be injected. Does your character feel sadness, guilt, or something else when feeling the nostalgia? What kind of emotions does the empty room stir within your character?

But very good and I am impressed!

 

[Etaski]

With that said, it's been almost two years since I've written creatively (I was a columnist/journalist for a while) and I need HONEST feedback. If that's blunt, cool. If it's overly mean but has some helpful pointers, right on. I just need to know where I stand.

Good to have some of the back story on your purpose and why you'd be asking for this. Writing is a great love for me, too; I can always offer an honest opinion.

Personal opinion only: I was a bit confused in places, sort of interested but not really grabbed. Not quite enough detail, the narrative can get a bit too condensed in places to where I'm not sure what the writer wants me to know. Also some odd word choices that distracted me from the setting opening.

Where do you stand? Just based on this itty-bitty excerpt (so I have to take it with a grain of salt whichever way), you've got the desire and the ability to tell a story. You need to polish your vocabulary and work on the clarity of thought a little more for a 1st person story. This is also perfectly within your capability; all it takes is knowing where to look when you reread your work and adjust things with ruthless tenacity.

There are reasons I can give you to back this up. Here some "editor's thoughts" that passed through my mind as I read the excerpt:

As I walked up the staircase to my room, long forgotten memories made its way back into my psyche.

Why 'psyche'? Odd word choice. 'Mind' or 'memory' are more pedestrian and would work better in a pedestrian setting. 'Psyche' refers more to the spirit as a whole, the mind/soul/spirit all together, what makes a person what they are. It's a rather heavy word for an opening sentence with no context...

The unidentifiable, musky aroma reminded me of all the times I’d flown up the stairs in a huff after an argument with my parents; the sound of the floorboards moaning and creaking under my weight jogged memories of rushing down the steps in a usually futile effort to catch the bus during my high school years.

Another odd word choice: Musky.

It's a childhood home. 'Musky' doesn't quite fit. Is that a "current" smell, or was even the childhood home 'musky'? The reader doesn't know for sure.

The door to my room was, and had always been, rather worn and shabby. I had tried to conceal its old age by plastering posters of my favorite singers and actors over it. A stubborn Backstreet Boys poster that refused to come off was stuck to the door, and I debated whether to smile or cringe in embarrassment.

So she's both pleased by the feeling that the poster brought back and embarrassed for having liked it. Guilty pleasure. Good character moment. Implies a normal childhood for the most part.

Sherlock Holmes moment of Deduction:

The protagonist was in high school while Backstreet Boys were popular (late '90s): firmly sets the current time in present day about 15 years later and, assuming an eventual high school age of about 16, the protagonist is currently 30 or so.

This detail will date the story before too long, and the future reader will not be able to deduct the age of the protagonist if they don't know when the Backstreet Boys were popular. The reader needs a bit more detail from the author (maybe something else telling us how long she's been away from her high school home?).

It's definitely not a "timeless" tactic, and unless it's an autobiography, perhaps mentioning the Backstreet Boys by name is something to reconsider for a fiction story. It's possible to refer to a "popular boy band" without naming one and have the time frame be more fluid for the reader in general (future readers especially; even the 80s had their popular boy bands, *ahem* "New Kids on the Block", as did the 2000s).

And if instead there's a very important reason that the date has to be the late '90s then either explain the Backstreet Boys just a *little* more for the reader or give us another point of reference for where we are in time.

I entered the pitch-black room and ran my fingertips against the wall, searching for the light switch. Seconds later, a fluorescent bulb illuminated the tiny area.

Personal thought: Always take an opportunity to tell the reader what the touch to the wall feels like when the eyes are currently not in use. Imagining the touch while blind amplifies it for the reader (or at least me). Is it cracked? Mildewy? Dry? Rough? Smooth?

With the exception of an old, cracked vanity mirror in the corner, the lavender-colored space that formerly belonged to me was as empty as the day my parents and I moved in twenty years ago. My picture window was boarded over with 2x4’s, blocking the view of Auricle Street.

Sentence needs some editing for clarity. Example: "Except for an old, cracked vanity mirror in the corner, my tiny [choose a good word for what it really means to her: sactum? hidy-hole? bedroom?] was as empty as the day my parents and I had moved in twenty years ago."

If you want to mention the color, lavender, do it in a separate descriptive sentence. And tell the reader if you mean the walls or the carpet or the floor boards are lavender, or if every inch of it is a (faded/bright?) lavender.

Also "Auricle" is another distracting word that makes me wonder why you chose it. It's very unusual in an otherwise "normal" setting. Does it have a purpose?

I spotted the faint outline of where my desk used to be; up against the wall, right next to the door. I stood where it once sat

Opportunity here: she can "stand in the void" instead. You've already established there's a faint "negative shape" where the desk used to be, so you don't have to say it again here but do give the reader another image to reinforce it when you have the opportunity like this one.

and nostalgia set in again, recalling late nights of catching up on homework and obsessively drawing fashion sketches.

Fashion sketches?

Okay...give me something about her appearance a bit earlier on in the story that implies she cares a great deal about fashion and/or her appearance, even as an adult. Something as simple as her taking care to brush a bit of dust from a stylish set of trousers would be enough.

That detail sort of comes out of nowhere and I am not able to connect that "obsessive" fact with what little I know of her adult life.

And then I remembered Jason.

No further explanation needed. Reader asks, "Who's Jason?" right on schedule.

I remembered climbing out of my window and having him catch me, our midnight drive in spring I could hear the song that played as the confession of a budding romance between best friends came to fruition.

A bit awkward. These details should be slower and more loving. Give it a full 3-5 complete sentences rather than squashing it into one long one.

I remembered the car crash that left me with debilitating anxiety

WA-WA-WHAT?

I'm left confused here.

Even just adding "left me physically unhurt, but with debilitating anxiety" or even "injured both in body and mind" (with more explanation in separate sentences) would work better and be more powerful.

I find all I want to know is: "She was in a CAR CRASH and I don't get to know whether she was bleeding or not?? AUGH!"

and the loss of Jason moving away shortly after.

This being in the same sentence as the car crash makes me think the two are connected. If that's not the case, they need some space and more description between them. If they are...um...little help?

I stood frozen and recalled the entire night, from beginning to end.

What entire night? There was only one night to recall? You mentioned multiple nights out with Jason, climbing out the window. Is it the night of the car crash? Please let the reader know for sure.


So, yeah, that's the thoughts on the opening. But establishing a setting with all the right details while intriguing the reader is hard to do---practice and feedback is gold if you can get it.

Now I'd like to see how you handle both a dialogue scene and an action scene. That would give me a better handle on "where you stand" compared to published authors who are deemed to have "talent." Otherwise, I can't really tell on this one excerpt.

The main thing to remember is that you have to carry the reader along like they are in a raft flowing down a river watching your story on the banks: they pass naturally by it, relaxed without having to do all the work; they aren't distracted by something else, nor do they have to pick up the paddle and row against the current to try to stay with the story.

Nor are they so startled by something that jumped out of the water that the raft overturns and the focus on the passing story is completely destroyed (and they're left irritated and sputtering. )

If it flows and feels natural for what it is, then as near as I can tell, that's one of the telling qualities of published fiction authors.

 

[nakdsub]

Wow! Well, you did ask for it...

Personally I think "psyche" is a great choice. I do agree with the other critique that said more emotion would be nice. I write with a lot of it.

'She could feel her heart pounding as she remember climbing out the window' 'She could feel her eyes become moist as she saw the outline on the floor left by her old desk.'

But again, that's just me. I like to write like that. I love it when people write me and say they cried all the way through my story. You might not be going for the same effect.

Anyway, I do like, very much, what I read. Very good!

 

[RaLaWrites]

Whoops.

 

[BlacKatt]

Thank you for the feedback, Etaski. I appreciate it a great deal.

From your post, I can conclude that I second guess myself a lot when I write. For example:

I entered the pitch-black room and ran my fingertips against the wall, searching for the light switch. Seconds later, a fluorescent bulb illuminated the tiny area.

Which was originally...

I entered the pitch-black room and ran my fingertips against the stucco wall, searching for the light switch. Seconds later, a fluorescent bulb illuminated the tiny area.

I have a hard time gauging what's enough detail and what is TOO much detail. If I used stucco, would that be a fitting word? Not everyone knows what stucco is. Would bumpy be better? I don't know. Definitely something I need to work on.


I also feel that *gulp* my vocabulary is limited. Not that don't have a wide-ranging vocabulary, but journalistic writing encourages as little creativity as possible (most of the time). It's so formulaic and strict. With creative writing, I don't want to be too bland (i.e., she walked in the room) or too "fancy," as I call it, where I phrase things that are meant to be a bit more descriptive but come out confusing, which you saw with that excerpt.

Another odd word choice: Musky.

It's a childhood home. 'Musky' doesn't quite fit. Is that a "current" smell, or was even the childhood home 'musky'? The reader doesn't know for sure.

That's a word I've been fighting with. I think we've all been to places that have a "distinct" smell every time we visit. It's not good or bad, and not really identifiable. That's what I was attempting to explain.

Why 'psyche'? Odd word choice. 'Mind' or 'memory' are more pedestrian and would work better in a pedestrian setting.

Another instance of me trying to be detailed. Let's put it this way -- I go through synonyms in my head when I'm writing a particular word I feel is "plain." I thought about putting "mind" and "memory" in place of psyche, but thought the other would fit better. So... yeah. Whatever word conveys the character's thoughts better and more importantly, CLEARER, is what I want.

Sherlock Holmes moment of Deduction:

The protagonist was in high school while Backstreet Boys were popular (late '90s): firmly sets the current time in present day about 15 years later and, assuming an eventual high school age of about 16, the protagonist is currently 30 or so.

I smiled reading this bit. A few years off on the protagonist's current age, but that's about the gist of it.

I also didn't realize there may be a younger crowd reading this story (after all, someone born in 1993 would probably have no idea who BSB are) so I agree that's one instance where being a bit vague comes in handy.

Also "Auricle" is another distracting word that makes me wonder why you chose it. It's very unusual in an otherwise "normal" setting. Does it have a purpose?

Not really, nor does it tie into the story at any point in time. Makes sense to change it.

Fashion sketches?

Okay...give me something about her appearance a bit earlier on in the story that implies she cares a great deal about fashion and/or her appearance, even as an adult. Something as simple as her taking care to brush a bit of dust from a stylish set of trousers would be enough.

That detail sort of comes out of nowhere and I am not able to connect that "obsessive" fact with what little I know of her adult life.

This is the perfect example of having clarity as the writer but struggling to provide the readers with clarity. The excerpt is followed by a "flashback" of the night in question, then returns to present day in the story with the protagonist mentioning a boutique. Maybe I should put the flashback first? It's more thorough in explaining her love for fashion design and her career goals as a teenager.

WA-WA-WHAT?


I'm left confused here.


Even just adding "left me physically unhurt, but with debilitating anxiety" or even "injured both in body and mind" (with more explanation in separate sentences) would work better and be more powerful.


I find all I want to know is: "She was in a CAR CRASH and I don't get to know whether she was bleeding or not?? AUGH!"

I laughed again reading this. Again, I struggle with leaving just enough detail for the reader without giving away too much up front. There's a scene much, much later in the story where the two protagonists discuss the accident at length. But this makes sense.

This being in the same sentence as the car crash makes me think the two are connected. If that's not the case, they need some space and more description between them. If they are...um...little help?

They are, indeed, connected. The other main character, Jason, was behind the wheel. More is explained in the "flashback" part. I'm starting to think I should put that at the beginning.

Now I'd like to see how you handle both a dialogue scene and an action scene. That would give me a better handle on "where you stand" compared to published authors who are deemed to have "talent." Otherwise, I can't really tell on this one excerpt.

Trust me, if I had a scene that wasn't cringe-worthy and embarrassing (or reflective of my current writing abilities), I'd be more than happy to share. Practice definitely makes perfect and I adore any feedback I get, so long as it's productive and helpful in nature.

Again, thanks for your time.

And thanks to you as well, ShadwNinjaX.

 

[BlacKatt]

She could feel her heart pounding as she remember climbing out the window' 'She could feel her eyes become moist as she saw the outline on the floor left by her old desk.'

But again, that's just me. I like to write like that. I love it when people write me and say they cried all the way through my story. You might not be going for the same effect.

Anyway, I do like, very much, what I read. Very good!

I would say that I am, but I'd probably describe myself as a dialogue-heavy writer. Maybe it's easier for me to convey those emotions through words instead of the character's actions.

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[nakdsub]

Just don't over think everything...

Don't anguish over a word like stucco. I think most everyone knows what it means and if not, they can look it up. by the same token, too much detail can make things boring, especially for Lit readers who are mainly interested in, "Where's the sex?"

I thought Your descriptions were very good. As I said, I liked what I read and would keep reading. I wouldn't worry too much about a word here or a word there.

Just write!

 

[Dagwood_B]

Okay, here's the deal.

I've been writing for years now and contributed to Lit under a different pen name before. I wrote a seven-chapter series that received mostly positive feedback, but I know my writing skills were not nearly as advanced as they are now.

I don't think I'm the best writer by any means, but I'm not a newbie.

With that said, it's been almost two years since I've written creatively (I was a columnist/journalist for a while) and I need HONEST feedback. If that's blunt, cool. If it's overly mean but has some helpful pointers, right on. I just need to know where I stand.

Writing is my first and only love. I can't think of anything else I'd want to do and I'd love to be published someday. I know there's debate and disagreements over what makes a writer's material "publishable," but I think we all can agree that the writer has to have SOME talent.

I'll end my rambling by posting a short excerpt from a story I've been working on. I've developed an outline that is, for the most part, complete, but we all know changes happen during the actual writing of the novel or story. I don't want to share the plot of the story -- I want the reader to be intrigued at the end, but not confused or turned off completely.

*

Every writer has his/her own style of writing, and you can’t say one is better than the other; what one reader may think is the greatest words ever put to paper, another may think it is tripe that should have never been written. However, if I were to write this, I would be less descriptive and leave more the readers imagination. I might write the first paragraph like this.

“As I made my way up the worn staircase, the long-forgotten aroma of decay fetched memories of days gone by. I thought of how many times I ran up these stairs in a huff after an argument with my parents, only to shuffle back down these same creaking boards the next morning in a belated attempt to catch the bus to Jefferson High.”

And the last line:

“Frozen in the shadows of a long-empty room, the memory of that night came flooding back, as if it were only yesterday.”

As I said, there is nothing wrong with what you have written, but you might try to energize the reader’s imagination a bit more.

 

[Dagwood_B]

I would say that I am, but I'd probably describe myself as a dialogue-heavy writer. Maybe it's easier for me to convey those emotions through words instead of the character's actions.

Thanks for your feedback.

Just my opinion again, but sometimes what you don’t put in a sentence can convey emotions just as well, or perhaps even better in some cases. Every reader will interpret a story slightly different than the writer intended. Most readers like to fit the story into to their own life rather than trying to understand what every word of the story means to the writer. Most people's life is relatively mundane, and they love to imagine themselves as one of the characters in the story. Some of the best written literature in history was written through the imagination of the reader, rather than in the imagination of the writer.

 

[adamzapple]

I liked it as far as it goes, very descriptive, it sets a slow, thoughtful kind of mood...

I couldn't help wondering how many times you've tried to write this piece? I get the feeling you're agonising over the use of the right words and how much to describe, as if you have the picture in your head and you want to capture it just right. That's okay, nothing wrong with it, (I do it too sometimes), but I think there's a danger of agonising too long.

If you keep looking at it you can always find something you want to change or a different word to use. Eventually, you may get that piece just how you want it, but then you have to write the next part and what happens? Same again. I'm not knocking your approach, everyone has their own way of writing, I just think -know from experience- that it's easy to get bogged down and never find your way out again.

Musky struck me too as maybe not being the right word. Did you mean musty? Sounds the same, slightly different meanings; musky, having a heady, sweet smell. Musty; smelling or tasting old, stale or mouldy.

I think you could introduce Jason earlier, like right after the first paragraph. I have to read all the descriptions of the room before I get any hint of what the story is about. It's okay if people have the patience to read and wait, less good if they start to lose interest before anything interesting happens.

It's always hard to know how much detail to include in any piece of writing. It probably depends on personal preference and the mood you're trying to create. Personally, I'd try not to overdo it and not use anything to slow down or distract too much from the story. The story always has to come first.

Why do you even need to describe the stairs or the door? As scene setting, okay, but once you've described the door and its shabby appearance you then require another sentence to explain your attempts to improve it with a poster. Do any of those things really make a difference to or have any bearing on the story?

You could simply start with; Our old house had been boarded up for X amount of years. As I went into my bedroom a rush of memories... etc, etc. The reader will use their imagination, they know how a boarded up house would look.

About feeling for the light switch, I think if you'd lived there a long time, you'd find the switch first time, you would have used it a hundred times. Plus, if the house is boarded-up why is the electricity still connected?

I'm gonna shut up now. (Sorry if it's too much.)

Keep writing, it's the only way to figure out what works and what doesn't, but don't spend too long trying to get it perfect first time, keep moving forward. Tell the story.

 

[Etaski]

Thank you for the feedback, Etaski. I appreciate it a great deal.

From your post, I can conclude that I second guess myself a lot when I write.

You're welcome, BlackKatt. Although I did want to add that while there's no need to agonize over each and every word to the point where you lose track of the story...word choice is still important and if you can say a lot more with fewer words (i.e. they're all the right ones for what you want to convey), then that's the perfect balance many a writer strives for (including me...).

That's also not to say you have any control over how people interpret it once you release control of it and let other people read it. People have their own connotations related to certain words (oh lord, do I ever...), but that's why building vocabulary and knowing how to use your dictionary is important.

If you're not sure at some point, you can always look up and compare 2 or 3 words that might work and choose the one that most closely fits. That way, it's "standardized" and if the "serious reader" is not sure, *they* can look it up, too. (Yes, I've done this....)

It is a slow way to start, but over time it becomes a quicker process as your vocabulary builds. It's worth the effort, in my opinion.

Which was originally...

I entered the pitch-black room and ran my fingertips against the stucco wall, searching for the light switch. Seconds later, a fluorescent bulb illuminated the tiny area.

Stucco works great. It's a single word, doesn't really make the sentence any longer but it tells me what my fingers are touching. Just a passing experience perhaps, but they all add up to the whole.

I have a hard time gauging what's enough detail and what is TOO much detail. If I used stucco, would that be a fitting word? Not everyone knows what stucco is. Would bumpy be better? I don't know. Definitely something I need to work on.

If it's something the reader can look up in a dictionary and it's exactly what you mean, put it in and leave it be. If they don't know what it is, it's their responsibility to look it up or choose to remain in ignorance with an incomplete experience.

That's why they test you on "reading comprehension" in various college-entry exams.

I also feel that *gulp* my vocabulary is limited. Not that don't have a wide-ranging vocabulary, but journalistic writing encourages as little creativity as possible (most of the time). It's so formulaic and strict.

Oh, god. I hadn't given that specific thought, but you're right. It's a case of "unlearning what you learned" and I do empathize.

I majored in biology in college and learning to write scientific papers killed my creative writing urge for a good 5 years. Took a while and more and more practice to let go of what I'd learned there and remember how to do the creative writing. Totally different aspects.

With creative writing, I don't want to be too bland (i.e., she walked in the room) or too "fancy," as I call it, where I phrase things that are meant to be a bit more descriptive but come out confusing, which you saw with that excerpt.

No worries. Nothing wrong with more ordinary words if that's what you want to convey. Using more complex words just to sound smarter/fancier unfortunately doesn't fool the reader and comes across as a bit of a "poser" (and you seem way too down-to-earth to want to come across that way).

That's a word I've been fighting with. I think we've all been to places that have a "distinct" smell every time we visit. It's not good or bad, and not really identifiable. That's what I was attempting to explain.

I did actually grasp the "unidentifiable" part. I know what you mean. It was why the addition of "musky" threw me off. Smell is notoriously hard to describe, and yet it triggers one of the strongest links to memory.

Makes me wish words like "snippid" existed... (snippid being the smell that Hobbes, of "Calvin and Hobbes" fame, attributes to the smell of fallen leaves covered lightly in moisture on an autumn morning).

Another instance of me trying to be detailed. Let's put it this way -- I go through synonyms in my head when I'm writing a particular word I feel is "plain." I thought about putting "mind" and "memory" in place of psyche, but thought the other would fit better. So... yeah. Whatever word conveys the character's thoughts better and more importantly, CLEARER, is what I want.

Yes. Clear, first; dressed-up and less plain, second. You got it.

All you require is a little vocabulary building, that's all. You no doubt can grasp the subtleties between synonyms: how they're alike, sure, but also how each one of them is actually different from another. They often can't be interchanged wholesale and still make sense (boy did I learn that one...I loved one particular teacher for rapping me on the head when I started doing the wholesale-switch thing just to sound "less plain"... I get that one, too. I was told to "knock it off" in favor off clearer writing. And the teacher wasn't being mean; he believed in me).

I smiled reading this bit. A few years off on the protagonist's current age, but that's about the gist of it.

I figured I was probably off a bit considering that BB Boys was also popular still in 2003, a good 5 year window. But I'd be close enough for "horseshoes and hand grenades."

This is the perfect example of having clarity as the writer but struggling to provide the readers with clarity. The excerpt is followed by a "flashback" of the night in question, then returns to present day in the story with the protagonist mentioning a boutique. Maybe I should put the flashback first? It's more thorough in explaining her love for fashion design and her career goals as a teenager.

Hmm, I'm not sure; which description is overall shorter, the flashback or the present day?

But regardless, leaving it as you have it now, just a brief mention of a fashion boutique she admired prior to the mention of scribbling fashion sketches feverishly in high school is a really good choice, though...that would do it for me. Connection solidly made!

Again, I struggle with leaving just enough detail for the reader without giving away too much up front. There's a scene much, much later in the story where the two protagonists discuss the accident at length. But this makes sense.

For me, it was only that mentioning a physically traumatic occurrence and only giving me the mental aftermath was jarring somehow.

There's also the opposite problem some writers have: physical injury occurs and they focus on that, but we're left asking, "yes, but what about her mental state??"

They are, indeed, connected. The other main character, Jason, was behind the wheel. More is explained in the "flashback" part. I'm starting to think I should put that at the beginning.

Jason was driving. *intrigued* Well, now that you say that...the flashback could be a way to really grab the reader: starting with a lead up and occurrence of a car crash.

Then, in theory, the slow return to her old room might have greater significance *and* give the reader time to breathe as they absorb the flashback scene.

Not a bad idea; it might work.

Again, thanks for your time.

Welcome, again. No doubt here that your creative side can only get stronger.

 

[Dagwood_B]

I also feel that *gulp* my vocabulary is limited. Not that don't have a wide-ranging vocabulary, but journalistic writing encourages as little creativity as possible (most of the time). It's so formulaic and strict. With creative writing, I don't want to be too bland (i.e., she walked in the room) or too "fancy," as I call it, where I phrase things that are meant to be a bit more descriptive but come out confusing, which you saw with that excerpt.

Don't worry about having a limited vocabulary. There are some very good writers who couldn't put together an obituary without a dictionary and spell-check.

And don't second guess yourself. Write out your thoughts in a rough draft, then read it and look for a different way to say the same thing. If a word doesn't sound quite right, grab a Thesaurus and find a word that flows better in the sentence.

 

[KatieTay]

maybe "musky" could be "musty" instead