Possibly the Stupidest Question Ever…

[unregistered]

 

[lonelyhornyboi]

There is no such thing as a stupid question. Isnt there some saying that the more questions a person asks, the more intelligent they are?

I too, am also curious about the same subject.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Etoile]

I'm in the car right now but I'm subscribing so I remember to come back later.

 

[lickmybananabread]

It's not a stupid question, but I guess I'm going to give you a stupid answer.

I don't believe sexuality, in women especially, is always the same. So, if you really like some woman, and you aren't sure where she is straight, lesbian or bi- then it really doesn't matter-- what I'm saying is it all depends on how she feels about you. I don't think sexuality comes into it at all, especially in the society we live in at the moment where it's okay to experiment and that, so anything could happen.
However, if you are trying to work out if another woman is a lesbian you can usually tell by the way she talks to other women, gives eye contact to other women; how she talks about men. It's all individual to the specific person I guess, and I can say things that I've noticed in other lesbians, but that could be completely irrelevant.
I guess part of the excitement is that you never know, and it's the long path of discovery with another woman that makes it a lot more interesting. Sometimes a woman might be a lesbian, but she's too shy to admit it. So that gut instinct you have about someone is always right; it's just learning to trust it that's the hard thing.

I guess that didn't really answer, heh. Sorry >.<

 

[Shywong]

Isnt there some saying that the more questions a person asks, the more intelligent they are?

Wise men ask more questions than give answers.

 

[Julie_in_the_north]

I think it's actually a really good question! Alas, I can provide no really concrete answer. It was certainly an issue on my mind when I first came out, and was consciously looking to meet women.

Lickmybananabread (great name!) makes a very good point, in that for some women, whose sexuality too fluid to be easily defined within rigid parameters, it's as much about her individual feelings towards the other person as her own status, as it were.

In my personal experience, in terms of recognising someone as a lesbian in a neutral environment - I have to say that simply because the environment is neutral, it wouldn't really occur to me to consider what her sexuality is. It depends on the situation!

Beyond that, all I can say is it comes down to instinct. Sometimes, I just get a sense, sometimes I don't. It could maybe be body language, eye moment, they way she and I connect, other times nothing so tangible as that - something more ethereal.

I suppose it's akin, in a way, to recognising mutual attraction between you and another person, whatever your gender or sexualities. You just kind of know, without any overt signal.

 

[LadyFairfax]

I think it is in the way people look at each other and where their gazes go. I met my partner in a very public (2000 or more people) venue, but out of the hundreds who were watching my activity at the time, only her eyes met mine in the right way. She was paying attention to me and not to the event.

I used that glimpse to create an opportunity to meet her (which means I stalked her relentlessly until she agreed to go out).

 

[infinity706]

I don't think there is a good answer. People regularly assume I'm straight and, often, that I've never had sex with anyone. I've even had flirting misinterpreted as scorn from people that assumed I wouldn't be the type to be interested in them. That's probably one of the reasons for homophobia and sex normative appearance standards, though. Since orientation isn't blatently obvious, it really complicates things. You can make educated guesses and possibly drop hints that you might be interested, though.

Of course, the easiest way is if someone lets you catch them checking you out or you catch them checking someone else out.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Not a stupid question (but a naive one, which is okay - that's why you're asking, right?)

Let me ask you this: How do YOU know a woman in a neutral place is interested in you? "Usually" she's not just gonna strde up and say "hey, you're cute! Let's fuck!". She (and you) are going to do the nonverbal "human mating dance". You'll compliment her, she'll touch you hand, you'll "accidently" check her out, she'll smile...

You see, ain't no diff! Just two human beings doing what comes naturally (regardless of gender).

 

[infinity706]

The checking someone out thing is more likely to be misinterpreted when you're a guy flirting with other guys, though, since men don't have nearly as much luxury when it comes to dressing provocatively. Guys' asses also get even more attention since you don't have the cleavage/bulging tits advantage unless you wear a really tight, thin shirt or you're chiseled like a rock. It's definately a bit easier when there's one or more women involved in the interaction.

 

[Safe_Bet]

The checking someone out thing is more likely to be misinterpreted when you're a guy flirting with other guys, though, since men don't have nearly as much luxury when it comes to dressing provocatively. Guys' asses also get even more attention since you don't have the cleavage/bulging tits advantage unless you wear a really tight, thin shirt or you're chiseled like a rock. It's definately a bit easier when there's one or more women involved in the interaction.

You a lesbian now, dude???

 

[Safe_Bet]

It’s been suggested that Lesbians and Gays (hope to God those are the polite and proper terms) recognize the orientation of someone else the same way a hetero person does. I think maybe I should clarify my question.

I’m not talking about what makes you interested in someone else, or even what makes you aware that someone else is interested in you. As dense as I am, I can figure out how one might recognize these cues regardless of orientation.

I’m asking; when you meet someone, how to you determine if it’s a reasonable risk to make an advance? As a hetero male, it’s probably easier than for most; political correctness and sensitivity training aside. I perceive an additional obstacle that may not be present. My assumption is –and this may be where I’m going wrong- that while a hetero male (or progressive female) has to risk rejection if she makes an advance toward someone that isn’t interested, the lesbian (or gay for that matter) faces the additional risk when asking someone out on at date that the advance could be blown up into something unpleasant and widely reported within the social group. Let’s face it, society isn’t all that enlightened.

Thus, I’m curious what makes a woman comfortable taking that risk? How do you know, or on what do you base the guess, that the advance might be well received?

BTW, even with the rephrasing of the question, my answer is the same.

You "start the dance" and if there is no/a negative response you back off. If she's not interested we act like anyone else. No still means NO! Even if it's to another woman and they myth of the aggressive dyke doing the "Leasure Suit Larry" smarmy full court press is just that - a myth.

 

[infinity706]

You a lesbian now, dude???

I like guys too much to be lesbian, anyway. I do hang out with some bi/lesbians, though, so I've seen how women pursue each other. It's a little easier to watch reactions when you wear a top cut down to your xiphoid process. I particularly remember one poor thing trying to count money while staring down another woman's shirt. She did get the change right, but she couldn't tell me what color the other woman's hair was when I asked her later.

 

[StrayKat]

I am not a lesbian, I am bisexual. I can still tell when I meet a woman interested in me. The same way I can tell when a man is interested - its the look. You can see it perfectly well in their eyes. Little sparkle and warmth, even a tiny bit of embarrassment.
I have never been wrong yet.

 

[janeyruth]

Without further adieu, the question…For the Lesbians in the Audience; when you meet someone in a sex neutral environment –work for instance- what is it that tips you to the fact that they share your orientation?

If she's thin, neat and (most importantly) minus a wedding or engagement ring, I assume she's bent and therefore, fair game. Also, there are other various subtle, subtextual messages, such as a copy of the Advocate or the Blade on her desk next to her tea cozy. Subtle stuff like that...

 

[Jacqueline_]

If she's thin, neat and (most importantly) minus a wedding or engagement ring, I assume she's bent and therefore, fair game. Also, there are other various subtle, subtextual messages, such as a copy of the Advocate or the Blade on her desk next to her tea cozy. Subtle stuff like that...

Thin and neat? Never heard that before!
Everyone assumes I'm straight, even at gay clubs. Stereotypes based on appearance are kind of a pain in the ass in that way.

 

[Julie_in_the_north]

Thin and neat? Never heard that before!
Everyone assumes I'm straight, even at gay clubs. Stereotypes based on appearance are kind of a pain in the ass in that way.

People always assume I'm straight too, but in a way, in a neutral context, why wouldn't they? Most of us don't walk around wondering whether every woman they encounter for the first time is a lesbian.

I tend to dress and style myself in a very different manner from what the majority might expect of a lesbian, but I'm hardly the only one. Lesbians don't wear badges. My girlfriend also gets taken for straight 95% of the time, and she's much more, to use a blunt expression, outwardly dykey than me.

 

[Safe_Bet]

People always assume I'm straight too, but in a way, in a neutral context, why wouldn't they? Most of us don't walk around wondering whether every woman they encounter for the first time is a lesbian.

I tend to dress and style myself in a very different manner from what the majority might expect of a lesbian, but I'm hardly the only one. Lesbians don't wear badges. My girlfriend also gets taken for straight 95% of the time, and she's much more, to use a blunt expression, outwardly dykey than me.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

What's "outwardly dykey" look like? Mohawk, flannel shirt, Dickies and Doc Martens????

Actually, I get called a "dyke" more when I'm dressed nicely in a business suit and have just finished telling a conference table of "full of themselves" men what WILL happen. I look DAMN good doing it too!

 

[Loverskitten]

It's a great question, not just for lesbians but gay guys too. Most of the gay guys I know are not flamboyant at all. In fact most people asume my friend and I are a couple. You can't go by looks alone, even actions these days. My friends laugh at me when I ask a guy right off "do you like guys or girls"
I asked my gay friend if there is a sign or a secret handshake or something. He said yes, put his thumb to his nose and wiggled his fingers... He's silly
But there should be a secret sign. Like scratch your forehead or something

 

[Julie_in_the_north]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

What's "outwardly dykey" look like? Mohawk, flannel shirt, Dickies and Doc Martens????

Actually, I get called a "dyke" more when I'm dressed nicely in a business suit and have just finished telling a conference table of "full of themselves" men what WILL happen. I look DAMN good doing it too!

I did warn you it was a blunt expression! These things are very much comparative...

 

[infinity706]

It's a great question, not just for lesbians but gay guys too. Most of the gay guys I know are not flamboyant at all. In fact most people asume my friend and I are a couple. You can't go by looks alone, even actions these days. My friends laugh at me when I ask a guy right off "do you like guys or girls"
I asked my gay friend if there is a sign or a secret handshake or something. He said yes, put his thumb to his nose and wiggled his fingers... He's silly
But there should be a secret sign. Like scratch your forehead or something

There used to be secret signs. GLBT people used to be "Friends of Dorothy" and the term is still used on cruise ships for GLBT meet and greets. Gay hookup spots used to have the foot tapping sign. (and I've heard it's still used in some places) There even used to be a bandanna in the back pocket. Left side was for tops and right side was for bottoms. That's, apparently, how sex got to be called hanky.

Nowdays, though, same sex partnership is less persecuted, not prosecuted, and people just go around flirting their asses off like straight people.

Apparently, the Dorothy thing came from the Wizard of Oz, since she ran around with lots of different men.

 

[Loverskitten]

I have noticed the hanky code coming back into fashion lately, especially in gay friendly areas.
But I've also noticed a lot more straight people in gay bars/clubs. I think straight guys are catching on that they are good places to find single ladies.

 

[infinity706]

Any bar is good for finding single women. Gay bars have a high percentage that kiss the kitty and shine knobs too, though. Sure a lot of women don't want to share, but if you set your standards low enough and put enough effort in, you'll find someone willing to do whatever it is you want.

 

[janeyruth]

Any bar is good for finding single women. Gay bars have a high percentage that kiss the kitty and shine knobs too, though. Sure a lot of women don't want to share, but if you set your standards low enough and put enough effort in, you'll find someone willing to do whatever it is you want.

Exactly. Low standards are the key. And you're right about effort being the sine qua non in achieving the lowest possible standards. You can't really score a Class A skank unless you apply a little effort. Remember, people, that luck is the residue of design...