First time feedback here

[WillSeeking]

Have posted a few stories here. Would love to hear some feedback good or bad.

Thanks in advance,

http://www.literotica.com/s/slumber-2

 

[CWatson]

Okay, now that the Literotica DBs are working and I can actually read your story.

If I were just a casual reader wandering around the site, I would be gone by the third sentence. Why? Just one word: "u". Or rather, one not-word. It says something about your willingness to put effort into the story--or rather, your unwillingness. And sheesh: if you don't care much about the story, why should I?

(And no, "lol you know what I mean" is not a valid excuse. That's the whole point of a piece of written literature: I do not know what you mean, and it is your job to explain it to me.)

Some other issues going on:

you lie on your breast

I'm not a girl, but that sounds uncomfortable. Also, why is she only lying on only one breast?

I take my fingers and lightly let the run along your collarbone through your hair over to your other collarbone.

Collarbones are on your front. You just said she's lying with her front downward, and in the next sentence you're touching her back. What gives?

I love how you feel, your warmth, your peacefulness as you sleep. My hands slowly run up and down your back as I carefully straddle over you. Softly massaging your back as you slumber, I lightly run my finger down your spine. Feeling every little bone just beneath your sensuous skin over and over again.

This is an artistic-choice comment, as opposed to a critique of factual confusion like the above.

You have a tendency to use a lot of adjectives (descriptors) and adverbs (descriptors that end in "ly"). Writers are typically advised against using adverbs because they will overrun your story faster than a horde of rampaging barbarians, but adjectives you get more freedom with. The reason I'm bringing it up is because, in my opinion, you're overusing them, and what one person thinks, others might as well.

Of course, you are free to ignore my opinion; it's worth what you paid for it. That's why I called this an "artistic choice". A mistake loses you readers; that's why it's a mistake. An artistic choice, on the other hand, changes your readership--in this case, shaving off people who dislike profligate adjectives, and bringing on board the ones who enjoy them. Your demographic will shift, but your numbers ought to stay the same. It is, as such, not a mistake--especially since you can use it to deliberately shape your readership. The only reason I'm pointing it out is to make sure you're aware of this choice, so that, if you choose later to move in other directions, you can.

Watching the lines I make in your skin and seeing them disappear shortly afterwards.

Sentence fragment; sentence with no stated subject.

The same ass I love having sit on my lap as u wrap your arm around me.

Only one arm?

There are more errors, but they're basically just the same ones I've already identified--anatomy curiosities, sentence fragments, and text speak. I don't think it's necessary to illuminate them all.

You have a pretty good grasp of the craft, but you need to pay attention to details. Getting the story down on page is a good start, but that's all it is: a start. After that you still have to cross your T's and dot your I's. It's one of the differences between a good writer and one that is merely competent. Because, simply put, you'll never be good if you're too indifferent to spell "you" properly.

 

[PacoFear]

...
A mistake loses you readers; that's why it's a mistake. An artistic choice, on the other hand, changes your readership--in this case, shaving off people who dislike profligate adjectives, and bringing on board the ones who enjoy them.
...

Well said, CW.

Listen to the man, Will. He's more than just an awesome avatar pic.