How do you tell your boyfriend you're breaking up with him to be with a woman?

[ashlee91]

Is there any good way to go about this?

I've been dating him off and on for about 3 years, but we go to different schools and decided to be with other people too and sense then I met a women who made it clear that she wants a more serious relationship and I want to give it a shot but that means completeing ending things with the guy. He dosn't even know I like girls and were going to be winter break is coming up which is one of the times we've always been together for the past couple years. So I guess I'm just looking for a good way to go about this without it getting too messy, any advice?

 

[Stella_Omega]

How would you break up with a guy to be with another guy?

"I've been seeing someone, who wants me to get real serious. "

No, there never a good way to do this.

 

[ashlee91]

If it was another guy it would be a little easier because he'd probably see me with the guy and be more understanding, but sense its a woman i'm worried he might think i just don't wanna be with him and made up an excuse, i guess i'm trying to spare his feeling and not have my sexuality be the talk of the town over break, but you're right there probably isn't any good way to go about it but i figured it couldnt hurt to ask

 

[boredVAwife]

Try telling a husband this very thing. If you ever want to bounce things off of me feel free to. Better to tell a boyfriend though believe me. Good luck.

 

[twister947]

Maybe I'm missing something, but why do you feel like you need to tell him anything beyond, "This isn't working for me, I wish you well, goodbye?"

Stella is right...there is no good way to break up, nor is there a good time, and talking it to death won't make it any less awful.

 

[twister947]

.....

 

[ashlee91]

Maybe I'm missing something, but why do you feel like you need to tell him anything beyond, "This isn't working for me, I wish you well, goodbye?"

Stella is right...there is no good way to break up, nor is there a good time, and talking it to death won't make it any less awful.

I think that's probably what I'll end up doing, but I'll be seeing him all the time during break so it will probably make things a little awkward once i end it after so long, plus i'm sure he'll ask for some reason or explanation

 

[klippert]

I would first hope the woman in question knows about your previous relationship....Once you drop the bomb with your male friend.....the long knives could come out....jilted lovers have a habit of making REALLY dumb decisions. I could just see your former male lover.....finding you somewhere and introducing himself and just by happen stance.....did he tell you we were 'GAY' lovers.

So my suggestion.....tell him, your moving on...and moving on with a woman.... Remember this, the gay team does NOT like converts, the other way....

 

[bergland]

I think that's probably what I'll end up doing, but I'll be seeing him all the time during break so it will probably make things a little awkward once i end it after so long, plus i'm sure he'll ask for some reason or explanation

I agree with you.

 

[fingermagic]

I would just tell him straight up. If he is a man he can take it just fine and will then ask if he can have a video.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Remember this, the gay team does NOT like converts, the other way....

What bullshit!

Queer folk, for the very most part, grok "discovering your true sexuality" much better than most every hetero (and that includes you "I like cock, but I don't like men!" heteros like Klippbert). We been there, done that and got the tee shirt (and physical & mental scars) to prove it, dude.

What we DON'T like is bi people who tell us they are gay and then "change their minds" as soon as a better hetero relationship appears.

I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it seems odd that after 3 years you SUDDENLY discover you like chicks too. I'm having a hard time believing that and your changing sexuality (if in fact it did change) should have been an ongoing discussion with your partner.

 

[ashlee91]

What bullshit!

Queer folk, for the very most part, grok "discovering your true sexuality" much better than most every hetero (and that includes you "I like cock, but I don't like men!" heteros like Klippbert). We been there, done that and got the tee shirt (and physical & mental scars) to prove it, dude.

What we DON'T like is bi people who tell us they are gay and then "change their minds" as soon as a better hetero relationship appears.

I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it seems odd that after 3 years you SUDDENLY discover you like chicks too. I'm having a hard time believing that and your changing sexuality (if in fact it did change) should have been an ongoing discussion with your partner.

We havn't been like joint at the hip for the past 3 years, we started our senior year of high school and were pretty serious that year but then we both went away to seperate schools and have only seen each other during winter break and summer and a few times in between. And i never said that I'm definitely gay and have like sworn off guys, but I really like this girl i've been hangin out with and want to see what it's like to actually be in a relationship with a girl, and she's aware of where i'm at too so i don't think i'm really leading her on and I'm trying to do the right thing by completely ending things with this guy

 

[klippert]

What bullshit!

Queer folk, for the very most part, grok "discovering your true sexuality" much better than most every hetero (and that includes you "I like cock, but I don't like men!" heteros like Klippbert). We been there, done that and got the tee shirt (and physical & mental scars) to prove it, dude.

What we DON'T like is bi people who tell us they are gay and then "change their minds" as soon as a better hetero relationship appears.

I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it seems odd that after 3 years you SUDDENLY discover you like chicks too. I'm having a hard time believing that and your changing sexuality (if in fact it did change) should have been an ongoing discussion with your partner.

I gave my opinion....such as you. Well you didn't actually give your opinion, you found it necessary too give my a piece of your mind. I don't have an agenda, I don't need to march or ware a tee shirt, whatever the color. I live my life, you live your life.
Though I think I made my point....

 

[Somehowyou]

I know if it were me (I am a male) it would be easier if my S.O. told me that she was leaving me for another woman because I can't compete. I mean I would not consider gender transition for anyone.

On the other hand you shouldn't have to tell him anything accept that you are no longer (or have never been) in love with him and you want to see other people. Since the both of you have already said that you want to see other people now you can say "I met someone else who want so be exclusive and I have decided to be exclusive so we are over." It is that simple. You owe it to no one else to discuss your morphing sexuality. I believe, all he needs to know is that you are no longer into him. Why make this a circus about lesbianism vs hetrosexulaity?

Maybe a discussion with boredVAwife may help. Your situation is very different, however. You are not married and not in a committed relationship with this guy. So again, in my mind, you owe him no explination about your evolving sexuality and you are in a much better position to experiment.

If you change your mind, its OK...your a woman and the woman I am in love with and most that I have dated are a little fickle

Good luck...I wish you well

 

[Somehowyou]

We havn't been like joint at the hip for the past 3 years, we started our senior year of high school and were pretty serious that year but then we both went away to seperate schools and have only seen each other during winter break and summer and a few times in between. And i never said that I'm definitely gay and have like sworn off guys, but I really like this girl i've been hangin out with and want to see what it's like to actually be in a relationship with a girl, and she's aware of where i'm at too so i don't think i'm really leading her on and I'm trying to do the right thing by completely ending things with this guy

Nows the time to see and experiment. Safe bet can take her activism somewhere else

 

[Safe_Bet]

We havn't been like joint at the hip for the past 3 years, we started our senior year of high school and were pretty serious that year but then we both went away to seperate schools and have only seen each other during winter break and summer and a few times in between. And i never said that I'm definitely gay and have like sworn off guys, but I really like this girl i've been hangin out with and want to see what it's like to actually be in a relationship with a girl, and she's aware of where i'm at too so i don't think i'm really leading her on and I'm trying to do the right thing by completely ending things with this guy

Okay, then. It sounds like you're doing everything right.

It doesn't sound like the two of you are all into each other anyways (based upon you saying its just been casual, infrequent dating for quite a while), so I'd prolly just tell him "Later, dude. It's been nice, but I'm moving on" kinda thing without a whole bunch of details. If he does see you and her together at some later date he'll either deal with it or not. Telling him now won't chane that.

Obviously, my real concern (some dude calling it activism is just TOO funny, BTW) is with how you relate to the new chick in your life. We've all been Baby Dykes at some point in our lives, so I know it is scary in the beginning. Whether your Bi or lesbian doesn't make any diff. If this is your first real FF relationship you will see that the dynamics are WAY different. The most important thing you've already done - you've let her know that you currently consider yourself to be bi and that you are coming straight from a hetero relationship (for what it was).

This allows HER to make an informed decision as whether to be with you or not. If she is bi as well it might not make a diff to her (I don't know 'bout bi chicks in that regard), but if she's a dyke, gender exclusivity will be pretty important.

The whole bottom line is to just be honest and communicate your feeling to her. If things change, in either direction during your "exploratory stage", I bet you'll find her to be supportive, as long as you're straight up with her. (that's one of those different FF relationship dynamics I was talking about )

 

[Safe_Bet]

...your a woman and the woman I am in love with and most that I have dated are a little fickle

Hahahahaha!!!!! Really now????

Some dude who "likes cock, but not men" and gets into "shemales" slamming women for being "fickle" (BTW, chauvinistic pig much) is seriously funny as hell.

 

[ashlee91]

Obviously, my real concern (some dude calling it activism is just TOO funny, BTW) is with how you relate to the new chick in your life. We've all been Baby Dykes at some point in our lives, so I know it is scary in the beginning. Whether your Bi or lesbian doesn't make any diff. If this is your first real FF relationship you will see that the dynamics are WAY different. The most important thing you've already done - you've let her know that you currently consider yourself to be bi and that you are coming straight from a hetero relationship (for what it was).

This allows HER to make an informed decision as whether to be with you or not. If she is bi as well it might not make a diff to her (I don't know 'bout bi chicks in that regard), but if she's a dyke, gender exclusivity will be pretty important.

The whole bottom line is to just be honest and communicate your feeling to her. If things change, in either direction during your "exploratory stage", I bet you'll find her to be supportive, as long as you're straight up with her. (that's one of those different FF relationship dynamics I was talking about )

She is gender exclusive to woman, but I've been honest with here about my current situation and the fact that I still like guys and she's seems to be cool with it and i know she has been with guys before too, so hopefully the gender exclusive thing isnt going to be an issue

She knows all about my relationship with my boy/friend, and i told her that i'm going to completely end it... but i was with him over thanksgiving weedend and did hook up with him, we didnt have sex and he completely initiated it, but i didnt tell her about that part... should I? she knows i was saw him and everything and i kinda got the feeling that she assumed i hooked up with him but didn't really ask... if it were a guy i dont think i'd tell him just because its not gonna happen again and it kinda solidified the idea that i'd rather be with her but what you said about different relationship dynamics makes me think that maybe i should tell her all the details, i just don't want to ruin everything before it really begins.

On the original issue though, i've decided i'm just going to tell him i don't want to continue the relationship and leave it at that, so thank you to all of you for the advice, it was far more helpful than i anticipated