I'm embarrassed to ask for critique of this . . .

[Feotakahari]

But I don't think it's normal to go from 3,000 readers for the first chapter of a story to less than 800 for the last. The story in question is called Dulling the Pain, and it's been out for a while now. I've been hoping its numbers would improve, but so far, no dice. Did I just take too long to get to the sex, or did I make more fundamental errors?

(As advance preparation, I'll note that the story is science fiction, though the science is less than hard. The story structure is somewhat experimental, and deliberately takes apart the running theme of my previous stories. A lot of it was intended to take the reader by surprise.)

 

[Darkniciad]

Actually, that's right in line with the category averages for a story of that many chapters and the chapter length.

You'll typically hemmorage views and votes with each and every chapter, barring a bump here and there created by an especially interesting tagline, better New list position, etc.

If anything, the 1 page chapter length hurts you in Sci-Fi & Fantasy, where longer, more involved stories that take a bit to get to the sex are far more welcome than they are on a lot of the site. The saving grace you have there is that you have a record of releasing new chapters rapidly.

 

[CWatson]

Well, first off, your assertion about the numbers may not be correct. In my experience, it is completely normal to have drop-off as the story progresses: people try Ch.01, they find they don't like it, they don't come back. This is just how the world works. Having said that, your numbers do seem a bit more dramatic than they should be... but hell if I know; I'm used to a big drop-off because I write very serious, realistic material and don't pander. I think we'd need a lot more demographics research before we could come to a properly-informed conclusion.

The biggest problem I had with the first chapter is that it consisted entirely of Cryptic Background References and Noodle Incidents. There's references to Procne, to a space program with four-person interstellar vehicles (which implies wildly-advanced technology), to some sort of... being that has the power to put wings on a human (which also implies wildly-advanced scientific knowledge, as this is something Mother Nature herself never figured out how to do). Lots of interesting things, but we don't know what to think of them, because you don't explain them.

Were I just a normal reader, I wouldn't read further because, simply put, I have no idea what's going on. I have no context for any of these events, and no way to figure out which of them are significant plot points and which are just the everyday filler that takes us from scene to scene. And the reason for that is because you're deliberately withholding the information I need to make those judgments. Now, this kind of deliberate blindfolding can be powerful if used sparingly... but by now you've strapped several on me, and that's kind of excessive. Heck, I don't even know what the heck pain it is that needs to be dulled, or whose it is. When even the title doesn't make sense, I give up.

In fairness, that might also just be me; I'm quite obtuse and don't pick up on subtext well. But that's my reading of it.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I don't submit or read stories in the sci-fi category (which is a little strange, since nearly all the novels I read are sci-fi/fantasy), but it does appear to me that the fall off from chapter 1 to chapter 2 was a little greater than might be expected. Normally, I have found that between 20 and 40% of the readers from chapter 1 disappear when chapter 2 posts, and every chapter thereafter has a slightly diminishing readership. Your numbers have held rather steady, fluctuating between 900 and 1200 views per chapter. For that many chapters, the drop off is negligible. The people who stayed around for chapter 2, continued to read the subsequent chapters.

I would be more concerned about the relatively low number of views for chapter 1. Again, I don't know what is an average number of views in sci-fi, but 3000+ seems low to me. In my opinion, the problem is the title and the tag lines you used. When your story posts, there are only four pieces of information that a potential viewer sees before deciding whether to click or move on to the next story. Those items are your name, the story category, the title, and the tag line. Your name is already out there, and the story category is whatever is most appropriate for your story. Those items are mostly beyond your control. The title and the tag line are wholly within your control, and are just as important as the author name and category. In this case, the title isn't bad, but your tag lines are too vague and do nothing to attract readers. In the future, spend a little more time constructing a tag line that will sell your story. I have found that when I just throw up a bland phrase, my stories are often overlooked. But when I make an effort to create an enticing title and tag line, the number of views goes up substantially.

I haven't read your story, so there may be writing problems of which I am not aware. But in my opinion, your biggest problem is not doing enough to sell the story to the readers. Good luck with your next effort.

 

[Feotakahari]

The biggest problem I had with the first chapter is that it consisted entirely of Cryptic Background References and Noodle Incidents. There's references to Procne, to a space program with four-person interstellar vehicles (which implies wildly-advanced technology), to some sort of... being that has the power to put wings on a human (which also implies wildly-advanced scientific knowledge, as this is something Mother Nature herself never figured out how to do). Lots of interesting things, but we don't know what to think of them, because you don't explain them.

Ugh. I did try to explain some of that in Manuel's second conversation with Maria ("We've found one alien ruin after another, and while the technology they've left behind has been useful, everyone's starting to wonder what exactly killed off so many species. Then people on Procne start hearing voices telling them to bash other people's heads open" etc.) Maybe I need to front-load it more? Then again, I've been told it's bad form to dump a ton of information on the reader at the very start. Is there a better way I could have handled it?

In this case, the title isn't bad, but your tag lines are too vague and do nothing to attract readers. In the future, spend a little more time constructing a tag line that will sell your story.

I was attempting to reference The Little Mermaid. Unfortunately, only one reader actually noticed, and I can see how the taglines are bland to someone who doesn't recognize the reference. In the future, if I make any references, I'll do so in the body of the story.