Glancers

[abby4u2]

Glancers

gaunt
hopeless men
stand
front to back
at the free clinic

endless
winding lines
of them

shuffle

eyes cast downward
pondering
fugitive fortunes

she wishes she hadn’t worn
her shiny patent leather
to this tattered
shoelace place

shuffle

layers
of over-sized clothing
endeavor
to conceal the bones
of ghostly skeletons
tiptoeing
on light feet

green-tiled corridors
reek of pine
and
the lone girl
slumps her shoulders
and stares
at the culprit mop bucket
in the corner

the worn yellow
mop handle
comforts her
with its familiarity

she can feel
her hands
swinging it wide
making the scourge
clean again

shuffle

past corner’s turn
her eyes cling
to the last remnants
of odorous mop strings

oh for diversion
music to hear
a book to read

silence but for an occasional cough
and the loathsome echo
of her patent leather heels
on the tile

keep your eyes low girl
she reaches for his hand
he does not resist this time

At that moment
she is suddenly glad
she came with him

nobody should ever
have to do this alone.

 

[mustang67]

Nice. The style is different than I'm accustomed to, now why the shiny patent leather shoes?
Out of place in the surrounds or reflective?

 

[abby4u2]

Thank you so much for commenting and taking the time to think about this piece.

The patent leather shoes are to help accentuate her discomfort, and how she doesnt fit in there...amongst the homeless, poor, sickly men.
The clicking of her shoes makes her stand out even more.
It's the Free AIDS Clinic...and it's from a personal experience. I am the "she".

Again, thank you for reading.

 

[bronzeage]

I like this piece for the stark images. I especially like the internal rhyme of:

"she wishes she hadn’t worn
her shiny patent leather
to this tattered
shoelace place"

 

[greenmountaineer]

Well done. I too like the stark images, although pine doesn't reek to me. Pine Sol does, which is what I think you meant, but I don't think of pine when I smell it.

 

[abby4u2]

I like this piece for the stark images. I especially like the internal rhyme of:

"she wishes she hadn’t worn
her shiny patent leather
to this tattered
shoelace place"

bronzeage, thank you so much for your kind words about this piece, and for taking the time
to respond to it.

 

[abby4u2]

Well done. I too like the stark images, although pine doesn't reek to me. Pine Sol does, which is what I think you meant, but I don't think of pine when I smell it.

greenmountaineer---very kind of you to read and respond to this. After looking it over, I think I should have said, "pine cleaner"...because, as you said, pine trees do not reek.
Thanks!

 

[greenmountaineer]

greenmountaineer---very kind of you to read and respond to this. After looking it over, I think I should have said, "pine cleaner"...because, as you said, pine trees do not reek.
Thanks!

"green-tiled corridors
of pining antiseptics"

Perhaps?

 

[Tzara]

"green-tiled corridors
of pining antiseptics"

Perhaps?

Sorry, gm, "pining antiseptics" sounds to me rather like Iodine and Mercurochrome are huddled in a corner and weeping into a thoroughly disinfected handkerchief. I assume, you're (gm, that is) trying to get some sense of sadness into the image, but I think I'd favor "piny antiseptics."

OK, on to comments directed to abby.

I agree with bronze that

"she wishes she hadn’t worn
her shiny patent leather
to this tattered
shoelace place​

is perhaps your strongest image. It's a good image, but "shiny" seems redundant to "patent leather," at least, and "tattered" seems, at least to me, a little too obvious.

While I basically like the poem, I am not crazy about the one-word lines. Are you doing this for emphasis or just for cadence? The line is pretty much the base unit of a poem, so a one-word line has to be pretty hefty in meaning to carry that off.

But, your poem, your decision, of course.

Lastly, the title. My first take was that it is slang for people who are homeless/poor/down-and-out, but perhaps you mean the Narrator glancing at those people?

Sorry. Stupid question, but I often get confused.

Welcome to PF&D, by the way. Nice start.

 

[abby4u2]

Tzara, very kind of you to take the time to comment here. I so appreciate your suggestions...especially about the word "shiny" being redundant. I will give that some
real thought.

Although I believe a poem shouldn't be explained, I feel like doing it here, so I shall. I chose the title, "Glancers", because nobody wanted to be caught
looking at anyone else in that place. Yet curiosity often got the better of them, and they would "glance" at those around them.

Thank you for the warm welcome! I am having fun so far!