First timer seeking critique

[BluebirdDreams]

Hi! My first story here (submitted to Erotic Couplings but accepted to Gay Male wtf?!) was just approved and while I tried getting the attention of an editor I didn't have any luck. So, self edited (already noticed a couple missing words in the last sentence AFTER approval) and hoping for feedback and critique.

I wrote the story for a friend after learning one of his fantasies. Since the part that turns him on is how SHE reacts I decided to write it from her perspective to be able to focus in on her feelings while leaving a lot of how he feels/reacts up to the reader. I hope I captured that.

http://www.literotica.com/s/buzz-crackle

Thank you for taking the time to read it!

 

[Darkniciad]

Hi! My first story here (submitted to Erotic Couplings but accepted to Gay Male wtf?!) was just approved and while I tried getting the attention of an editor I didn't have any luck. So, self edited (already noticed a couple missing words in the last sentence AFTER approval) and hoping for feedback and critique.

I wrote the story for a friend after learning one of his fantasies. Since the part that turns him on is how SHE reacts I decided to write it from her perspective to be able to focus in on her feelings while leaving a lot of how he feels/reacts up to the reader. I hope I captured that.

http://www.literotica.com/s/buzz-crackle

Thank you for taking the time to read it!

There have actually been reports sent to Laurel already suggesting that the category placement was a mistake. It probably won't help the initial low-voting and commentary you've picked up, but at least she's aware of it now. Sometimes, she leaves the story as "New" and gives it a higher placement in the list the following day, which can do much to erase the damage from the mistake.

The only real way to contact Laurel is through the forum. Find her profile ( the contest forum is the best place ) and send a PM.

 

[BluebirdDreams]

Thank you, I sent laurel a pm already before making this post. I'm not too worried about votes, the person the story was written for and my Dom both love it. I would like to know if there is something I should watch for as I work on my next story (another friends fantasy)

 

[Darkniciad]

I honestly can't find anything to complain about. It's a hot little scene, and should hit on submissive fantasies of the average reader without delving too deep into areas that might trigger a squick factor.

Well done, and carry on

 

[BluebirdDreams]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm working on another now that is also a friend's fantasy. The sub in me works faster and better if I've got someone specifically waiting for the story they requested lol.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think Dark summed things up well and, after reading your story, the GM classification just makes me say WTF! Now, you've been dumped in LW, which I don't think you'd want this story to be in, even though I don't think Erotic Couplings was a right choice in the first place.

If you're writing Dom(me)/sub stories, the natural home is BDSM and I think your gentle stories would find a welcome there. From the delightful story I read, your focus seems to be on the reactions of a female sub. From what I've seen here, bringing in husbands, rather than Masters, gets the LW going. You can always use partners.

 

[BluebirdDreams]

I was about to come update that I'm in LW now which didn't make sense I me since the husband never even appears in the story. I picked EC since it's a one off with a stranger (to her).

The original fantasy didn't explain why a strange woman was in a hotel waiting for him and he didn't want even a hint at non consent (original idea was mistaken room, she'd be unaware but it would still be rape. well unaware at first). I finally settled on swinging and he approved.

I was thinking it would be a good exercise for me to write the same encounter from his perspective. I've never written sex from the man's side.

Right now I'm working on an arrest fantasy for another friend though I may not post it since it's a bit far fetched heh.

Thank you for the feedback. Do you think I should ask to be moved to BDSM?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I was about to come update that I'm in LW now which didn't make sense I me since the husband never even appears in the story. I picked EC since it's a one off with a stranger (to her).

The original fantasy didn't explain why a strange woman was in a hotel waiting for him and he didn't want even a hint at non consent (original idea was mistaken room, she'd be unaware but it would still be rape. well unaware at first). I finally settled on swinging and he approved.

I was thinking it would be a good exercise for me to write the same encounter from his perspective. I've never written sex from the man's side.

Right now I'm working on an arrest fantasy for another friend though I may not post it since it's a bit far fetched heh.

Thank you for the feedback. Do you think I should ask to be moved to BDSM?

Yes, despite the fact we should be the most laid-back readership, the fact is that the moment you introduce restraints and the teeniest hint of reluctance or marriage you raise hackles. You write erotic, gentle Dom/sub but I think the EC or Group Sex afficionados would not buy that. Despite the claim to be open to everything, most members here ain't.

 

[teitel]

I think they will buy.http://www.lzxin.info/g.php