I'm feeling very owned

[Stella_Omega]

As a strong independent woman...I dislike how needy I have become for his approval. He is as much a part of me as my arm....and the need is real. I feel lost without him when we are apart.

This is so worrisome.

But you know, it isn't only a thing that happens to submissive women. Although it's possible that a sub might... notice it more clearly, and possible, faster.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is so worrisome.

But you know, it isn't only a thing that happens to submissive women. Although it's possible that a sub might... notice it more clearly, and possible, faster.

Unfortunately I feel the same way as MissHolly. Feeling this way worries me greatly. Scares me. Not sure what to do about it though.

 

[MissHolly]

Unfortunately I feel the same way as MissHolly. Feeling this way worries me greatly. Scares me. Not sure what to do about it though.

I "think" that the neediness if a natural part of submission. Master controls me...heart mind and soul. Even though I am strong in every other aspect of my life( work & home)...I feel weak with him. I need to know that my service pleases him...that I make him happy. I KNOW that I do....yet I need to hear it...regularly. I have experienced "sub drop"...on the occasions that we haven't been able to connect...and it truly sucks. Once I gave myself completely to him....I suddenly NEEDED him.

As long as we connect regularly I am fine...it only rears its ugly head when he has been away.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I "think" that the neediness if a natural part of submission. Master controls me...heart mind and soul. Even though I am strong in every other aspect of my life( work & home)...I feel weak with him. I need to know that my service pleases him...that I make him happy. I KNOW that I do....yet I need to hear it...regularly. I have experienced "sub drop"...on the occasions that we haven't been able to connect...and it truly sucks. Once I gave myself completely to him....I suddenly NEEDED him.

As long as we connect regularly I am fine...it only rears its ugly head when he has been away.

I dunno...sounds like a normal D/s relationship to me *shrug* why is it worrisome?

 

[MissHolly]

I dunno...sounds like a normal D/s relationship to me *shrug* why is it worrisome?

The part that bothers me is how needy I become in his absence. I am high on life as long as Master and I connect. If there is a reason that I dont hear from him...I start 2nd guessing myself...did I do something wrong...is he angry with me?( Deep inside I KNOW I did nothing) I quickly feel abandoned. I NEED him...

It upsets him to know I go through this and he has repeatedly told me that he wishes I were more secure within our relationship. I try...I really do....yet I cant control it.

In other relationships...outside of D/S...I would not waste a moments worry on it.

I attribute it as a normal part of a D/S relationship...but its a feeling I am uncomfortable with.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I dunno...sounds like a normal D/s relationship to me *shrug* why is it worrisome?

Because we human beings often have to function without assistance.

Because we all know that nobody can devote every moment of their day to us, not even if we call them our Dom.

Because we've spent 20+ years growing up and becoming adults, and it's a bit humiliating to find ourselves turning back into infants so easily.

 

[intothewoods]

I "think" that the neediness if a natural part of submission. Master controls me...heart mind and soul. Even though I am strong in every other aspect of my life( work & home)...I feel weak with him. I need to know that my service pleases him...that I make him happy. I KNOW that I do....yet I need to hear it...regularly. I have experienced "sub drop"...on the occasions that we haven't been able to connect...and it truly sucks. Once I gave myself completely to him....I suddenly NEEDED him.

As long as we connect regularly I am fine...it only rears its ugly head when he has been away.

The "I need to know that my service pleases him" quote doesn't sound all that abnormal. Everyone needs affirmation of some sort from their partners, otherwise why are you in a relationship?

The rest?

The part that bothers me is how needy I become in his absence. I am high on life as long as Master and I connect. If there is a reason that I dont hear from him...I start 2nd guessing myself...did I do something wrong...is he angry with me?( Deep inside I KNOW I did nothing) I quickly feel abandoned. I NEED him...

It upsets him to know I go through this and he has repeatedly told me that he wishes I were more secure within our relationship. I try...I really do....yet I cant control it.

In other relationships...outside of D/S...I would not waste a moments worry on it.

I attribute it as a normal part of a D/S relationship...but its a feeling I am uncomfortable with.

Desperate, miserable neediness isn't healthy and it isn't sustainable. You can't spend your life either "high" or in a desperate, needy frenzy. Eventually you'll drive yourself crazy, him crazy or both.

You can't make an unhealthy emotional state healthy by calling it D/s. It is what it is.

 

[eastern sun]

I've been interacting lately with a guy I like to call the "dark mage." Mostly because he is enthralling, literally spell-binding. There's something that happens when someone who wants to be caught in a spell meets someone who wants to cast a spell.

It's mesmerizing, dissolves barriers, makes it far too easy to act on someone else's will, and is completely dependent on repeated interaction. As soon as that interaction is cut off, the spell breaks. And the thud when we land is a bit embarrassing.

I think that's where the neediness comes from. We don't want the spell to be broken.

 

[IrisAlthea]

The "I need to know that my service pleases him" quote doesn't sound all that abnormal. Everyone needs affirmation of some sort from their partners, otherwise why are you in a relationship?

The rest?



Desperate, miserable neediness isn't healthy and it isn't sustainable. You can't spend your life either "high" or in a desperate, needy frenzy. Eventually you'll drive yourself crazy, him crazy or both.

You can't make an unhealthy emotional state healthy by calling it D/s. It is what it is.

This!

Because we human beings often have to function without assistance.

Because we all know that nobody can devote every moment of their day to us, not even if we call them our Dom.

Because we've spent 20+ years growing up and becoming adults, and it's a bit humiliating to find ourselves turning back into infants so easily.

And this!

I want my relationships to make me feel stronger and better, rather than weaker. While I want to be able to feel that the other person is someone I can depend upon, who will support me when I need it, I very much want to be able to be dependable and supportive to them when needed or wanted.

It's also important for me to know that I can take care of myself, the kids and other people I care about, without that support if push comes to shove and I want to know that a partner of mine can do the same.

 

[MissHolly]

I've been interacting lately with a guy I like to call the "dark mage." Mostly because he is enthralling, literally spell-binding. There's something that happens when someone who wants to be caught in a spell meets someone who wants to cast a spell.

It's mesmerizing, dissolves barriers, makes it far too easy to act on someone else's will, and is completely dependent on repeated interaction. As soon as that interaction is cut off, the spell breaks. And the thud when we land is a bit embarrassing.

I think that's where the neediness comes from. We don't want the spell to be broken.

Your described it perfectly!

 

[JMohegan]

The part that bothers me is how needy I become in his absence. I am high on life as long as Master and I connect. If there is a reason that I dont hear from him...I start 2nd guessing myself...did I do something wrong...is he angry with me?( Deep inside I KNOW I did nothing) I quickly feel abandoned. I NEED him...

It upsets him to know I go through this and he has repeatedly told me that he wishes I were more secure within our relationship. I try...I really do....yet I cant control it.

In other relationships...outside of D/S...I would not waste a moments worry on it.

I attribute it as a normal part of a D/S relationship...but its a feeling I am uncomfortable with.

It's not D/s.

You are not submitting to his pleasure with this. On the contrary, as you say, it "upsets him." You are not deferring to his wishes; you are going against them.

So quit using D/s as an excuse for your behavior. It's not "a normal part of a D/s relationship."

I'd say your desperation smacks of manipulation, though to be fair I acknowledge that you may have abandonment issues which could explain it. If the latter, I'd recommend seeking help in addressing those issues. So you may, you know, better please your partner.

 

[JMohegan]

The "I need to know that my service pleases him" quote doesn't sound all that abnormal. Everyone needs affirmation of some sort from their partners, otherwise why are you in a relationship?

The rest?



Desperate, miserable neediness isn't healthy and it isn't sustainable. You can't spend your life either "high" or in a desperate, needy frenzy. Eventually you'll drive yourself crazy, him crazy or both.

You can't make an unhealthy emotional state healthy by calling it D/s. It is what it is.

Exactly.

 

[intothewoods]

I've been interacting lately with a guy I like to call the "dark mage." Mostly because he is enthralling, literally spell-binding. There's something that happens when someone who wants to be caught in a spell meets someone who wants to cast a spell.

It's mesmerizing, dissolves barriers, makes it far too easy to act on someone else's will, and is completely dependent on repeated interaction. As soon as that interaction is cut off, the spell breaks. And the thud when we land is a bit embarrassing.

I think that's where the neediness comes from. We don't want the spell to be broken.

I hear you, es. I don't deny this kind of magic, as you describe it, is totally intoxicating. But eventually the high wears off (oops, mixing metaphors, my bad! ) and you're left with a hangover.

I tried to post this in the isolated blurt thread last night but I had issues with Lit. I'll just post it here. I've seen a lot of posts from people involved in affairs lately. You cannot get rid of the problems in your life -- bad marriage, financial problems, okay it seems like mostly bad marriages -- with an affair. At best, you only delay the inevitable and, at worst, it all blows up in your face.

I say this not to demonize anyone. I was there myself and I totally get it. I just wish I'd never gone down that path myself. It's not worth it. That's not to say I'm not happy where I am now, but I did a lot of work and paid a high price to get here.

 

[graceanne]

It's not D/s.

You are not submitting to his pleasure with this. On the contrary, as you say, it "upsets him." You are not deferring to his wishes; you are going against them.

So quit using D/s as an excuse for your behavior. It's not "a normal part of a D/s relationship."

I'd say your desperation smacks of manipulation, though to be fair I acknowledge that you may have abandonment issues which could explain it. If the latter, I'd recommend seeking help in addressing those issues. So you may, you know, better please your partner.

Also, to be fair, some guys say they want someone who's secure, but they do everything they can to make sure they stay insecure. Then they blame them for being crazy bitches, or whatever, when they can't feel secure.

Example: my best friend was in a HIGHLY dysfunctional relationship for awhile. As in, if I had to listen to her scream with him on the phone while we were hanging out one more time, I was going to do something mean to her. That said, he was always telling her she was a crazy bitch because she didn't trust him. But he'd do stuff that had her constantly on edge. At the end of the relationship she found out he had TWO other girlfriends.

In other words, she's not a crazy bitch, and they were both (especially him, because she's not normally like that) enjoying the adrenaline high that goes with that kind of relationship. It wasn't until she got to a point where she'd convinced herself that she was being crazy, and got off his ass, that he started showing his true colors and playing mind games with her. Like not returning phone calls, and going out with the boys on nights when she knew that the boys were working, or saying he couldn't see her on big days like valentines day because he was 'going to his mom's'. He said he wanted her to be secure, but his actions did not back up his words.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Because we human beings often have to function without assistance.

Because we all know that nobody can devote every moment of their day to us, not even if we call them our Dom.

Because we've spent 20+ years growing up and becoming adults, and it's a bit humiliating to find ourselves turning back into infants so easily.

I function fine without assistance, I do however prefer to be told how to function.
In the begining of my relationship with Daddy1 I was so sad and insecure when we were not together (you can ask a few here who had to hear my whine nonstop).He showed me that I didnt need to feel that way and that I was on his mind as much as he was on mine. Being submissive and wanting to be everything the other person would want is a scary place to be sometimes and feeling insecure in life is part of life...whether you want to admit it or not.
You will have to explain the ifnfant thing, I'm not really understanding it.

 

[MasterandSir]

Because we human beings often have to function without assistance.

Because we all know that nobody can devote every moment of their day to us, not even if we call them our Dom.

Because we've spent 20+ years growing up and becoming adults, and it's a bit humiliating to find ourselves turning back into infants so easily.

STAND BACK, I'm from the Internet!

Stella, stop trolling. We both know you're sitting at your computer now, just like this:
http://s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/096/044/trollface.jpg?1296494117

 

[DVS]

Also, to be fair, some guys say they want someone who's secure, but they do everything they can to make sure they stay insecure. Then they blame them for being crazy bitches, or whatever, when they can't feel secure.

Example: my best friend was in a HIGHLY dysfunctional relationship for awhile. As in, if I had to listen to her scream with him on the phone while we were hanging out one more time, I was going to do something mean to her. That said, he was always telling her she was a crazy bitch because she didn't trust him. But he'd do stuff that had her constantly on edge. At the end of the relationship she found out he had TWO other girlfriends.

In other words, she's not a crazy bitch, and they were both (especially him, because she's not normally like that) enjoying the adrenaline high that goes with that kind of relationship. It wasn't until she got to a point where she'd convinced herself that she was being crazy, and got off his ass, that he started showing his true colors and playing mind games with her. Like not returning phone calls, and going out with the boys on nights when she knew that the boys were working, or saying he couldn't see her on big days like valentines day because he was 'going to his mom's'. He said he wanted her to be secure, but his actions did not back up his words.

It's really sick but some people thrive on deception and conflict. It might be partly the challenge within themselves to see how long they can get away with deceiving someone. It might not even have anything to do with who they're deceiving and for what, but just the thrill of deception itself.

That challenge would also include conflict. The sometimes daily fights with someone to keep your secret life safe, the out and out lying to cover for times your secret may have been exposed. Then savoring the rush when your lies work again. It's a bit like having your cake and eating it, too. While I think this is a sure way of shortening your life, simply because of the stress it can cause someone, I'm sure there's some out there living this way.

And speaking of shortening your life, they aren't thinking that far ahead. They can't get past the last lie they've told. They can only hope that deception will last a few days. Then the challenge begins again, the adrenalin flows and the fights and the lies continue. Deception and conflict. It's pretty sick, but it's better than sex for some people.

 

[BiBunny]

What gracie and DVS said. Yes, yes, I know. "They chose to be in those relationships." Some people either aren't strong enough to change the situation or aren't strong enough yet. Let's hope that most people in those kinds of situations just aren't strong enough yet.

 

[Stella_Omega]

STAND BACK, I'm from the Internet!

Stella, stop trolling. We both know you're sitting at your computer now, just like this:

Nothing says "wisdom and authority" like a picture of a pink dick, just saying.

What gracie and DVS said. Yes, yes, I know. "They chose to be in those relationships." Some people either aren't strong enough to change the situation or aren't strong enough yet. Let's hope that most people in those kinds of situations just aren't strong enough yet.

I heart you for this.

But I think... people don't particularly choose to be in those relationships-- they were aiming for something else they'd been promised. We are easily conned.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I function fine without assistance, I do however prefer to be told how to function.
In the begining of my relationship with Daddy1 I was so sad and insecure when we were not together (you can ask a few here who had to hear my whine nonstop).He showed me that I didnt need to feel that way and that I was on his mind as much as he was on mine. Being submissive and wanting to be everything the other person would want is a scary place to be sometimes and feeling insecure in life is part of life...whether you want to admit it or not.
You will have to explain the ifnfant thing, I'm not really understanding it.

This.

I've been thinking about this turn of the thread a lot lately, and I *can* understand Holly's point of view. I know I have moments where I have the same feelings.

But 99% of the time, I simply miss him, like I'm missing my kindred spirit. Once I get past any droppy feelings, I'm perfectly fine and I function and I get on with my life and everything is good. But I just feel like my soulmate is missing. And when he's back, everything is just more complete and better.

 

[LittleVixen69]

i struggle with "ownership" mostly because I am a flaming narcissist. I have a hard time believing that someone can possibly know what is best for me that, is well, not me. I have a horrible track record with men. They are often not smart enough to keep up with, let alone surpass my intelligence enough to make me feel comfortable with their decisions. Yes, I know this makes me sound like the biggest narcissist on the face of the planet, but whatever. I also have trust issues that I can't even explain. So putting my faith in another is not a feat easily earned. '

I also have problems with "ownership" because typically speaking I do not want to be OWNED. I'd prefer that go unsaid. Show me. Make me feel it. Beg for it even. Don't TELL me you OWN me. If you can't make that known without words, then you aren't any man that owns my ass.

I am complex as fuck and not easily dealt with. You can call me not submissive, but you have not seen me in my moment of true submissiveness. Many people think that to be a submissive is to be a doormat and give in instantly to the desires of your Master and Mistress, but I am old school. Respect is earned.

In the rare moments, that a man has owned me heart and soul. I felt a plethora of emotions. I am happy, safe, scared and furious. You have been able to make me feel happy and comfortable, but for that I hate you. I am furious at you for making me "weak." I am scared you will use me, then leave me like all the others. I am a ball of chaos. I am nothing but raw energy, both positive, negative and neutral to all others. You have become my center, the center of my univers and in your shadow I sink into the unsafe places because you are there and allow me to venture into the things I would not normally. You open me up and close me off. That is ownership to me.

But I am a crazy narcissistic bitch. <3

Well I do agree with

"Show me. Make me feel it. Don't TELL me you OWN me. If you can't make that known without words, then you aren't any man that owns my ass.

"Many people think that to be a submissive is to be a doormat and give in instantly to the desires of your Master and Mistress, but I am old school. Respect is earned. "



Respect and trust...... are earned



Vixen

 

[MissHolly]

I've been interacting lately with a guy I like to call the "dark mage." Mostly because he is enthralling, literally spell-binding. There's something that happens when someone who wants to be caught in a spell meets someone who wants to cast a spell.

It's mesmerizing, dissolves barriers, makes it far too easy to act on someone else's will, and is completely dependent on repeated interaction. As soon as that interaction is cut off, the spell breaks. And the thud when we land is a bit embarrassing.

I think that's where the neediness comes from. We don't want the spell to be broken.

I keep coming back to your post. You hit the nail on the head. It's when that spell gets broken that I fall hard. I know I have a lot still to learn and finding a way to cope through these times is one of the most difficult, but I will find a way!

 

[Stella_Omega]

This.

I've been thinking about this turn of the thread a lot lately, and I *can* understand Holly's point of view. I know I have moments where I have the same feelings.

But 99% of the time, I simply miss him, like I'm missing my kindred spirit. Once I get past any droppy feelings, I'm perfectly fine and I function and I get on with my life and everything is good. But I just feel like my soulmate is missing. And when he's back, everything is just more complete and better.

Well, that's love-- isn't it?

 

[JMohegan]

I was on his mind as much as he was on mine.

There you go. Thank you, KC.

Call this a lustful obsession, an adrenaline high, heady infatuation, love, or the abiding bond of a soul mate - depending on the stage and circumstances of the connection. Fine.

But don't call this a sub thing or an "owned" thing or a "slave" thing. It's a human thing.

 

[JMohegan]

Being submissive and wanting to be everything the other person would want is a scary place to be sometimes and feeling insecure in life is part of life...whether you want to admit it or not.

Love makes a person vulnerable, for exactly this reason. A person. Not just a submissive.

Of course, individuals enter into relationships with widely varying levels of personal confidence, self-esteem, and sense of interpersonal security. But that's not the same spectrum as the one for: prefers to be told what to do/ prefers to do the telling.