seeking advice on long-distance poly relationship

[RoxyChick69]

Hi;
I'm looking for advice from those who have been or are now in a successful POLY relationship that may or may not involve bdsm aspects, but preferable one that does.

I have found myself, unintentionally involved in what has evolved to become a poly relationship that also happens to be long distance. I am 3000 miles away from the rest of them, but I am in DAILY contact with two of the three invovled and am very much committed to and love the two that i began the relationship with.

Here's how it came about:
husband and wife in an open relationship, but having issues.

I come along, find husband, we find a deep connection, and deep feelings for each other. We become committed to each other.

Eventually wife and i become friends, and are now best friends, sisters and even lovers (once i finally make the trip across the country).

The three of us get along pefectly, and i love them both. They love me. We three have no sharing issues and have worked out the dynamics between us nicely. I live 3,000 miles away but I talk to both of them every day and we all 3 interact together and separately daily. I have a strong bond and relationship with each of them and both of them.

We three are committed to each other and plan to do whatever it takes to bridge the distances.

I can't move there, nor them here...we have jobs, families, etc.

She (wife) and i now have no jealousy issues between us and share him willingly.

Now: husband/man explores bdsm lifestyle (all of us are exploring it) and he finds new woman he connects with---and wants to add to the circle. New woman doesn't make any efforts to connect with, communicate with or be a part of the group.

Conflicts arrise over his time: who he spends time with, when. The only real problem is woman #3...who seems to get a higher priority and who chooses to not become involved with the original threesome. Feelings get hurt, promises get broken and it all seems to come from his time with woman #3. Yet he insists that woman #3 is a crucial part of the dynamics and wants her to be included.

Any advice on how:

1. he can better manage his time to make all 3 happy, given the dynamics and distance issues.

2. the two women who have made the effort to become friends and sisters (me and the wife) can try to reach out to and be more welcoming to woman #3 who doesn't seem to want to reach out or be part of the group.

3. any of the three women can deal with and handle jealousy issues that might come up, or feelings of being pushed aside for one of the others.

It's complicated, I know, but I am commited to trying to make it work for all. So any and all sound advice is welcome.

Thanks so much!!

 

[Goodgirl4him]

I would think that he should make sure that equal time is spent with each female as often as possible to avoid feelings of favoritism. Also, #3 sounds like she isn't yet comfortable sharing with you two, so its going to be up to the females to create an environment where #3 feels comfortable enough to feel like part of the team. Usually the last one added ends up feeling like the odd man out and might not know how to mesh and find her place.. How that helps.

 

[the captians wench]

NRE, how over whelming it can be.

All I can do is wish you luck. I had to step back from a similar situation and let the couple figure shit out for themselves, which 6 weeks into that, they're still not there yet (and I stuck with it for 6 weeks before that).

If you want to talk about my experiences, feel free to PM me, but I have to admit I'm a bit cynical at the moment.

 

[RoxyChick69]

NRE, how over whelming it can be.

All I can do is wish you luck. I had to step back from a similar situation and let the couple figure shit out for themselves, which 6 weeks into that, they're still not there yet (and I stuck with it for 6 weeks before that).

If you want to talk about my experiences, feel free to PM me, but I have to admit I'm a bit cynical at the moment.

Thanks C's W: I have followed many of your comments over the past year or so, and find you have sound advice.

I will PM you first chance I get.

 

[RoxyChick69]

Thanks Goodgirl: great advice, and we are trying to befriend her, and reach out, but she doesn't respond too well. We'll keep trying.

 

[RoxyChick69]

I would think that he should make sure that equal time is spent with each female as often as possible to avoid feelings of favoritism. Also, #3 sounds like she isn't yet comfortable sharing with you two, so its going to be up to the females to create an environment where #3 feels comfortable enough to feel like part of the team. Usually the last one added ends up feeling like the odd man out and might not know how to mesh and find her place.. How that helps.

Good girl: Thanks so much for the comment. I suppose looking at it from #3's view is helpful but we feel we have done that. We have both made efforts to reach out to her, individually. She responds to the wife--since she's the wife----but feels she has no reason to communicate with or even acknowledge my existence even though i am very much a part of the group, despite my distance away.

She won't even acknowledge my emails, or any efforts to extend a hand in friendship, despite several efforts on my part, and even the wife's part of telling her how important i was to the group.

She is not making it easy for us to welcome her with this kind of attitude.

What to do?

 

[the captians wench]

Thanks C's W: I have followed many of your comments over the past year or so, and find you have sound advice.

I will PM you first chance I get.

Ha! Thanks! I just tell it like it is really. Nothing special, just a lot of experience packed into just a few years.

Good girl: Thanks so much for the comment. I suppose looking at it from #3's view is helpful but we feel we have done that. We have both made efforts to reach out to her, individually. She responds to the wife--since she's the wife----but feels she has no reason to communicate with or even acknowledge my existence even though i am very much a part of the group, despite my distance away.

She won't even acknowledge my emails, or any efforts to extend a hand in friendship, despite several efforts on my part, and even the wife's part of telling her how important i was to the group.

She is not making it easy for us to welcome her with this kind of attitude.

What to do?

Oh yeah, I can relate to that to some extent.

 

[wicked woman]

Hubby needs to deal with this. He brought her in. He needs to make sure she understands what's expected of her, including how she is to deal with the two of you...and the repercussions if she doesn't. There are all sorts of ways of being poly and not all of them have everybody involved together. Perhaps she thinks she is only to have a relationship with him. Perhaps he's presenting it that way...or not making it clear enough what he expects. If he's not doing this, not only is she undermining the role of his wife and you, he is too.

And as far as his NRE and spending too much time with her, that sounds like a discussion you and his wife need to have with him. It's not uncommon, but if it's bothering you, you need to communicate that.

 

[CutieMouse]

He is choosing his schedule... he has also chosen to get caught up with a woman who either struggles, or refuses, to respect his relationships with the two women in his life who were there first.

That means [to me anyway], that it isn't the women's jobs to invite, accommodate, befriend, etc the 3rd [4th] - it's HIS JOB to A) juggle his schedule to everyone's benefit and B) make it damn clear woman #3 is walking into a "package deal".

How does he respond when either of you (yourself/the wife) bring up #3's lack of interest/respect/acknowledgment of the current triad, and/or refusal to engage/build friendships with the two of you?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Unfortunately I can totally relate.

I don't have much advice as I am struggling with this myself. It is easy to say it is his job to make sure everyone is happy and everyone's needs are being met. That may be true. But what if he doesn't see any problems?


Big hugs to you.

 

[BiBunny]

*snip*

It is easy to say it is his job to make sure everyone is happy and everyone's needs are being met. That may be true. But what if he doesn't see any problems?

*snip*

What she said. ^^^^

I'd say more, but I'm such a bitter motherfucker about this kind of thing that I'm sure what I'd have to say wouldn't be helpful.

 

[LanceWrite]

It's up to the guitarist to keep all the strings tuned on a twelve string guitar. If they're not tuned together - no matter how well you finger it, it's going to sound lousy.

There - I've mangled my daily quota of metaphors.

 

[caged_doll]

I am in a similar situation. I was in a ldr with a Dominant who struggled with the distance and who met a new girl. Eventually she and I became pretty much best friends and we talk often and have met in person and everything is great. We've been together for about two years. In that time we have as a group started talking to other women. Usually he finds them and kind of gets a feel for them and then usually the two of them meet up with the woman (usually she is local to them) and if the 3rd girl is kewl they give me the green light to extend a hand of friendship.

Just based on past attempts I'm very skeptical of women who don't return our friendly overtures. I understand it's difficult coming into something existing and I recognize that many women kind of view each other as backstabbers. But my girllove and I try very hard to be a friend to the potential third girl. And when she doesn't respond we often wonder why. I don't know what it is like in your relationship, but in ours we are all sort of a package deal. You want to be friends with him, you need to be friends with us too. If the girl makes no effort to get to know us (either of us) I wonder if he is the only one she is interested in.

I think you should talk to him (if you haven't already) and let him know you feel like girl #3 isn't really all that interested in forming a friendship with you. And I think he needs to make it a priority to find out what is going on with girl #3 that she feels she doesn't need to have anything to do with you. I agree with the other posters, I think it is his responsibility. If what he is proposing won't work with what is already in place, then maybe he needs to rethink the dynamic he is trying to create. Adding girl #3 should enhance the existing, not weaken it.

Good luck. I know it isn't easy.

 

[hiddenhere]

I think you are full of shit...
you don't get to be that smart and dumb at the same time.

 

[Kali_Rose]

IF you have made it clear to him what is going on, how it makes you both feel, I think that it's important that he does the managing of everything else. As a rule, I NEVER take on a boy that resists being a friend to my hubby. I do generally give the new person time to adjust to knowing how I want things to go, and bring their behavior in line with that. I think that it can work to have another person involved that is a bit separate from the rest of the group, but not if anyone involved is actively doing things to make one of the group feel uncomfortable with the situation.

I've had boys that couldn't be friends with the others in my life that I connected really well with otherwise, but had to give up on having them as mine, because having someone as mine, means they should be working at making my life less complicated, and refusing to be friendly does the opposite.

Having a successful, generally happy poly relationship, should be hard work for everyone involved, but I think it should be hardest on the person making the most connections. I think any feelings of jealousy are natural and healthy, and trying to squash those might not be the best idea, it's all about how you handle those emotions. as an example, say your 4th person is going out on date with the male for the 5 day in a row, and both you and the wife have had next to no time with him all week. the instinctual action might be to complain about it, focus negative feelings on the other gal, and let it begin to fester the relationship for everyone. A better course of action for his wife might be to greet him at the door, and genuinely tell him that she hopes that he had a good time with her, and tell him that she would like to spend some time giving him a massage as he falls asleep ( or give him some other type of attention that shows him how much she appreciates and misses him). for you, when you talk to him next, you might ask how their dates have gone, inquire if there was anything that they did that he especially enjoyed, ask if there is something that you can do for him to show how wonderful you think he is ( or even better, think of something on your own and let him know why and how you chose it).

A suggestion for opening dialogue with him about they way you and his wife feel about things, maybe ask him some of the things that she likes and is interested in, ask his opinion on what steps you can make to bridge the gap you seem to have. Maybe even ask HIM to deliver some correspondence between you.

for him opening a conversation with her, perhaps he could just ask her how she feels about you, and how she would like the relationship between the four of you to be.

I'm sorry that your group is having these issues and I hope that at least something in all I've said can be a help to you.

 

[KokopelliRises]

That means [to me anyway], that it isn't the women's jobs to invite, accommodate, befriend, etc the 3rd [4th] - it's HIS JOB to A) juggle his schedule to everyone's benefit and B) make it damn clear woman #3 is walking into a "package deal".

I know to me that B is absolutely key. I will not have anyone even meeting with my men without them knowing that I am part of the package that is him. I am important to each of them. I also try to make it very clear when I am talking to potential others online that my men are part of my package, and that is non-negotiable.

He's the one with the "other", it is his job, to a certain extent, to try to make things run smoothly. #3 does need to know of the package deal and the expected relationships that she will have with the other two women in that triad (at least cordial and very definitely communicative).

 

[Primalex]

husband and wife in an open relationship, but having issues.

I come along, find husband, we find a deep connection, and deep feelings for each other. We become committed to each other.

Usually a third person never fixes issues between two other.

Any advice on how:

1. he can better manage his time to make all 3 happy, given the dynamics and distance issues.

Seriously - he couldn't make her happy. Now you want him to make her, you and a third person happy.

2. the two women who have made the effort to become friends and sisters (me and the wife) can try to reach out to and be more welcoming to woman #3 who doesn't seem to want to reach out or be part of the group.

You assume that she is like you two and that you can change her. Ever considered the fact that you are for her what the "give me a little kiss on the cheek"-aunt for kids are - more or less annoying?

She ignores your attempts to contact her, why do you think trying harder will make her feel better towards you?

 

[Snip2]

Oh, what a tangled web you weave!