Should I come out? Cheat?

[antonym1000]

Hi there. I need some suggestions because I am going nuts wondering what to do. I am in my mid 30s, married with kids. I love my wife, but have finally accepted the fact that I am gay.

I fantasize about having sex with a guy. I have no fantasies about women. When I have sex with my wife, I fantasize about being with a man. I daydream about dating a man and what it would be like and what I would wear, and how nervous and excited I would be to go on my first date with a man.

But I have NEVER been with a guy sexually, romantically or anything. What if I come out to my wife, try out the gay lifestyle and discover I don't feel I am actually gay afterall? If I was single, I could experiment, date etc. But how do I really know without? If I come out to my wife, that is irreversible. But I hate, hate the thought of cheating on her, plus that would be so stressful. Should I do nothing? I feel lost.

 

[DarkBee]

Funny, I just watched a bit from the Southpark episode where Butters' dad goes to gay places, although I suggest not taking advice from Southpark.

I think the best thing you can do is be honest about it, but not blunt. And don't cheat!

 

[naughtyinsilk]

The only sensible thing is to sit down with your wife and tlak it through with her, dont get upset if she gets angry, let her have her say, you may d=feel you have come to terms with itm which has taken you time, so imagine that she too will need time to come to terms with it as well. As you have kids, this will affect them too.

I would suggest before you do anything else you get some professional counselling and advice, as once you come out your life will irrevocably change and everyone in your family will be affected.

If your lucky, she may assist you in having a sexual relationship with a man to see if its not just the fantasy that turns you on, but also the reality. However the odds on that are fairly slim in real life.

Remember the stories on this site about such situations are fiction, real life is rarely that easy or clear cut.

I hope it all works out for you in the end, and that you discover what you truly want, that you get it and that you dont lose your kids in the process.

 

[janeyruth]

I would cheat, if I were you. Honesty is overrated.

The really cool thing would be, if you start experimenting with some careless lads (Mister Dumb and Mister Dumber) and catch something, your wife (remember her?) will wonder why she's suddenly feeling sick all the time....

 

[stude_cruiser19]

overrated?

honesty can't be overrated, I disagree with janey. that will get you into trouble quicker, and leave you with a mind full of self doubt and mental heaviness. think about it, would you want to date someone who cheated on their spouse? Nuaghty has good advice, seek counseling, find a support group. look at the local GLBT chapter for help, you need to get your mind in order. Like you said, what if you did leave your family, and started a gay relationship, then found out you really didn't like it, where would you be?

 

[Ike_The_Spike]

I think Janey missed the sarcasm button, it helps if you read her entire post.

Telling my wife that I'm bi was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Not that it completely compares to the talk you will eventually need to have with your wife, since my wife knew that I am still attracted to women, but the fear that she wouldn't accept it or me anymore was still there.

The rest are right, don't cheat. It's not worth it. I did, my wife knows now, and somehow forgave me. (Better than I deserved...) But the hell we went through, the whole family, was not worth the few moments of physical satisfaction.

 

[PressNightly]

Also including a PM with this......


Hey antony, have you talked to to a therapist yet about your feelings, I know we suggested this to you in one of your previous posts, and I think where you are now virtually demands it.

Don't do anything rash, especially because you genuinely care for you wife and you also have kids.

If you cheat and get caught your marriage is over anyways, and she can use your infidelity as major ammo against you in any divorce/custody litigations that follow. Not to mention that you still care for your wife, even if you may be in a spot that you don't desire her sexually anymore. Althought I think Janey is being extremely harsh and lashing out, her point is valid, your wife doesn't deserve to have you bring something home to her.

If you've worked with a T about your feelings and you think that it's probable that you are actually full on gay, not just bi or bi-curious then show her the respect that is due her as your wife, and tell her how you feel. Worst case scenario she boots you out on your ass, which will probably happen you engage in extramarital relations anyways. Best case scenario she may be willing to help you work through your feelings and explore whether it's really something you want or whether it's a fantasy that's being driven by something else.

Please get some profesional help before you upend your familly. Please.

 

[smj4740]

delete

 

[naughtyinsilk]

Give Janeyruth a break, its not the first time recently people have completely missed the humour/sarcasm in her comments which is a pity because what she is doing is actually stripping it down to the bare bones.

I like her sense of humour

Hopefully the OP will follow the advice given thus far and not make any rash mistakes. life is complicated and solutions to problems we encounter as we travl through life are rarely easy

 

[Fmature2play]

The cheating part will eventually eat away at you far worse than the curiousity you are feeling. It is one thing to go online or come to Lit and say things and share fantasies but to go out and actually do those things....then go home and look your spouse in the eye......that is when the fantasy stops and the real world starts and it can get complicated. Leading a double life is sort of like pushing water uphill. Don't even get me started on the diseases. Please think long and hard about this decision.

 

[soccergurl7]

dont cheat...respect your s/o enough to break up before you do anything dumb

 

[antonym1000]

Thank you everyone, even the (sigh) sarcastic onces. Like I wrote, I would hate to cheat and I won't. I was just feeling at wit's end and was basically asking 'Is this what I have to do?'

I have been seeing a therapist who specializes for about a month. She is making me keep a private journal.

 

[Little Bird]

I don't know what ever the question could be, to which the right answer is "You should cheat."

 

[janeyruth]

I would hate to cheat and I won't. I was just feeling at wit's end....

Wimp!

I have been seeing a therapist for about a month. She is making me keep a private journal.

Really? A journal? I'll bet it's a real page-turner...

 

[milojames]

You need to decide whether you want to save your marriage and how it will affect your children's future.
Coming out after a long term marriage almost always ends in divorce.
You may remain in some form of relationship with your wife but it won't be as a married couple and will probably be uncomfortable at best.

Also remember that once you come out to your wife you may as well accept that you WILL be coming out to the rest of the world because she won't keep that information to herself.

Coming out can be a major event, especially late in life and I Agree with the others that you need to get some professional counseling before you do anything.

 

[Queen_Vicki]

Divorce,there's No Other Way Around It. Both Of You Should Divorce Now, But Make Sure To Tell The Kids Early So They Can Take It Well ,and Understand.

 

[DarkBee]

Divorce,there's No Other Way Around It. Both Of You Should Divorce Now, But Make Sure To Tell The Kids Early So They Can Take It Well ,and Understand.

And On Top Of That, Capitalize Every Word.

Is that really necessary (both the typing and the divorce)?

 

[amigayorbi]

my two cents..

though i can't relate to you..but i think i understand your dilemma

let's look at the options:

1. tell your wife, she resigns to the fact, you keep your family, also seek encounters with guys..you like the encounters...its an open relationship..

consequences: you will be at peace with yourself, that you were honest
but, you have kids..they will come to know sometime, will you be okay with that?

2. you tell her and she kicks you out and you dont even know you actually like guys!

3. everything remains the same as 1, she agrees, but..
you seek out guys..and u find out it's actually not your thing..you end up making a complete idiot out of yourself, despite being honest

4. same as 2 but you actually do like guys..you have something to gain..but kids and family to lose.

5. you don't tell your wife, cheat..relaize you love guys..go on cheating
risk: your wife and kids almost will come to know someday, what happens then..

6. don't tell your wife, cheat once, see if you like it...

NOW..resist the temptation of thinking that she will never come to know..

now you talk to her...with more cetainity that you are into guys...hope that she is okay with it



it may seem abit confusing..but for me option 6 is the best...at least you will be certain of getting one thing in your life!!

my opinion..

 

[Queen_Vicki]

And On Top Of That, Capitalize Every Word.

Is that really necessary (both the typing and the divorce)?

Yes, it was completely necessary. If someone is having troubles in their marriage, and are thinking about cheating, or is cheating the easiest solution is divorce. Divorces solves every ones problems.

 

[Fmature2play]

Divorce may bring about some finality to the infidelity issue but I am not certain it is always the only option. I am divorced and did it with gusto when I found out my husband of many years had been having an affair, but I have a very close friend that chose not to go down that path and after a bit of a struggle and some professional help they are in fact closer than before and more happy than I ever remember them. I didn't think I had it in me to overcome the anger and hurt so I chose not to try. The best answer is NOT to be unfaithful in the first place but we all know how that works. Just look at the sexless married threads on here or the married but looking.......

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes, it was completely necessary. If someone is having troubles in their marriage, and are thinking about cheating, or is cheating the easiest solution is divorce. Divorces solves every ones problems.

When You Say It Without All The Capitals I Feel... Cheated.

But no, divorce isn't the solution to everyone's problems. Just only your solution to your problem.

 

[Queen_Vicki]

When You Say It Without All The Capitals I Feel... Cheated.

But no, divorce isn't the solution to everyone's problems. Just only your solution to your problem.

How do you feel cheated?

 

[Stella_Omega]

How do you feel cheated?

Because Your Capital Letter Posting Gives Me A Giggle.

 

[Queen_Vicki]

Because Your Capital Letter Posting Gives Me A Giggle.

OH, Well thanks. I guess it makes me happy, that I bought joy upon someone's life. But what I was trying to do is, get my point across so he will understand

 

[Stella_Omega]

OH, Well thanks. I guess it makes me happy, that I bought joy upon someone's life. But what I was trying to do is, get my point across so he will understand

Well, I addressed your point as well. I said:

But no, divorce isn't the solution to everyone's problems. Just only your solution to your problem.