I'm a fucking idiot- kinda starting to get depressed about it

[CandiCame]

So- I got ARRESTED last night.

I was driving back from my man's house-poorly- like I do, so I got pulled over for "almost causing a wreck". Now, because I drive so poorly, I have 6 points on my license, which means that it doesn't work as a license, just an ID. I also can't afford insurance, because it's so high (like $300 a month)- I hit things and I drive a nice car.

So that sucked.

I also have been trying to do this whole 'detox' thing. I've cut every drug out of my system with the exception of weed. I don't even smoke ciggies anymore- I've been really proud of myself. And I don't smoke that much weed- because I lost my job and can't afford to. I'm a druggie not an idiot. I know I have to keep my bills paid and find another job before I can think about buying more drugs. So I had no idea that there would be ANYTHING drug related in my car. But the cop found a roach in my ash tray.

That's a DUI.

I didn't know it was there. If I did, I would have smoked it. I should've checked better. 20 years of criminal activity and I get arrested for DUI when I'm NOT EVEN HIGH. I fucked that shit up. I got to go sit in a cell; had to call my boyfriend from a phone there (my cell had no reception, they apparently had it blocked) who was pissed-really, really pissed- madder then I've ever seen him- because the phone apparently tells that you're calling from the jail. So he answers, already pissed.

"Why are you calling from jail?"
"So... feel honored, you're my one phone call."
"What the FUCK did you do?"

So he had to pay my bail, because I have no money- and I have no idea how much it was. I have to be in court at 1:00 today- so he's lending me a suit to wear to look less like a druggie and more like a respectable member of society. I'm fucking scared. I know that my record's completely clean (I don't get caught, ever- I'm really dissapointed in myself) and first offenses for possession don't usually mean much- but I've never been arrested before. I totally can't go to jail. I've read way to many stories of what happens to little guys like me in there...

OMG, there was this guy in the holding place last night who was also in there for possession, but he was fucking wired- coke or something, and would not leave me alone. It was weird. He kept talking about the government keeping him down and all this crazy shit, about how the drug war was some kind of conspiracy or something, getting in my face, taking up my comfort zone- and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pretty sure that he was going to pull something- but I got out before he did.

Thought that maybe I could brighten someone else's day with this shaudenfreudan bullshit. Even if you had a bad night, at least you weren't me.

My boyfriend (who is strait edge and kept telling me this was going to happen) is so pissed that he can't look me in the eye. I've seriously never seen him this mad before. And the weird thing is, I don't think it's all at me. He went through my paperwork last night and got all pissed because it doesn't say anywhere exactly what I've been charged with. He got pissed because they didn't give me my Miranda rights. He got pissed because I'm an idiot, and I think that the upkeep on dating an idiot it beginning to wear him down.

I can't keep fucking up like this... I've got to do something...

 

[redheadedtxn]

I was reading on a website (a Buddhist one) because I love the teachings...oh, it was Saturday. I got a nugget that said "What you do is what happens to you" relating to Karma.

Not that you have "bad karma" coming, no, not at all. It's just that all of our actions set forth effects.

You're not a fuck up or a bad person; you're growing, if you choose to use this event in that way.

I'd encourage you to embrace your fear, realize there are others in the same boat you're in, in their life, that you do have control, and go thru every moment, feel every feeling. You can't change what happened, but you can self-evaluate in a positive manner and move ahead.

You'll get thru it.

 

[phrodeau]

You have an invalid license, you don't have car insurance and you "hit things". Which of these did the cop pull you over for?

You say your record's completely clean, but if you're at fault in an accident, you no longer have a clean record.

 

[CandiCame]

You have an invalid license, you don't have car insurance and you "hit things". Which of these did the cop pull you over for?

You say your record's completely clean, but if you're at fault in an accident, you no longer have a clean record.

I've avoided having them on my record by going to traffic school once every six months. I meant that I had a clean criminal record. The DUI/possession charge will be my first criminal offense. And I have no idea what to tell the judge- I'm pretty sure that they'll make me take a drug test- my synapses are more full of dopamine and THC then they are with... whatever is supposed to be in your synapses-so it's not like I'm going to pass it. That's why I'm so nervous. I don't have a defense. I'm totally guilty. I fucked my shit up.

Red, I really appreciate you being so positive- the past little bit has been really hard for me. I have consistently fucked up. I haven't done one thing right in... fuck, I can't remember the last time I did anything right. And I've always just kinda played it off- that I didn't need morality because I was raised without it, saw it as a cruch- but I dunno, since I've started dating Bill, who's really moral and all-around better then me, I'm beginning to understand that morality is a kind of social intelligence that I really need. The way I live is fine for fucking Perry County, but if I want to live in the real world, not a hell-hole, then I have to act like someone with some fucking sense.

Unfortunately, I'm a bad person. I was raised in a den of thieves and addiction and all kinds of other fun shit- and I want to overcome it, but I don't know that I'm supposed to. That's kinda what I learned last night. I looked around and noticed that a lot of the guys in there- they were like me. I try to get out of there- I tried to go to college, tried to hold a job, but I kept fucking it up. I fucked up my internship and now I can't graduate on time- I have to change my major. In the same fell swoop I lost my job. I'm pretty sure with a conviction I can't teach. I feel like... that old saying- you can take the guy out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the guy. No matter how much I want to do better... maybe my mom was right- maybe I'm "to big for my britches"... going to school, trying to be anything other then trailer trash... might have been an oversight. I'm running out of money and they took every cent I had last night in holding. I don't know what it paid for or anything, but that was my rent money for October. I haven't told my roommate that I can't pay yet. I've fucked us. I can't be in a real world.

Maybe the republicans are right and I've been bred into this learned helplessness state... I don't know. I just... the past month has made me realize that I might have tried to be more then I am. Kinda depressed today- might feel better later. I've gotta figure something out. Really scared that I'm gonna go to jail today because I have no excuse. No defense. I smoke pot. I do. If they test me, they'll find it. If they ask me, I feel like it'd be stupid to lie, because they could test me.

 

[Very_Bad_Man]

More of his fantasy drama for attention

 

[KRCummings]

Complete bullshit.

 

[RazorBite]

Get your act together!

 

[Shagly]

So- I got ARRESTED last night.

I was driving back from my man's house-poorly- like I do, so I got pulled over for "almost causing a wreck". Now, because I drive so poorly, I have 6 points on my license, which means that it doesn't work as a license, just an ID. I also can't afford insurance, because it's so high (like $300 a month)- I hit things and I drive a nice car.

So that sucked.

I also have been trying to do this whole 'detox' thing. I've cut every drug out of my system with the exception of weed. I don't even smoke ciggies anymore- I've been really proud of myself. And I don't smoke that much weed- because I lost my job and can't afford to. I'm a druggie not an idiot. I know I have to keep my bills paid and find another job before I can think about buying more drugs. So I had no idea that there would be ANYTHING drug related in my car. But the cop found a roach in my ash tray.

That's a DUI.

I didn't know it was there. If I did, I would have smoked it. I should've checked better. 20 years of criminal activity and I get arrested for DUI when I'm NOT EVEN HIGH. I fucked that shit up. I got to go sit in a cell; had to call my boyfriend from a phone there (my cell had no reception, they apparently had it blocked) who was pissed-really, really pissed- madder then I've ever seen him- because the phone apparently tells that you're calling from the jail. So he answers, already pissed.

"Why are you calling from jail?"
"So... feel honored, you're my one phone call."
"What the FUCK did you do?"

So he had to pay my bail, because I have no money- and I have no idea how much it was. I have to be in court at 1:00 today- so he's lending me a suit to wear to look less like a druggie and more like a respectable member of society. I'm fucking scared. I know that my record's completely clean (I don't get caught, ever- I'm really dissapointed in myself) and first offenses for possession don't usually mean much- but I've never been arrested before. I totally can't go to jail. I've read way to many stories of what happens to little guys like me in there...

OMG, there was this guy in the holding place last night who was also in there for possession, but he was fucking wired- coke or something, and would not leave me alone. It was weird. He kept talking about the government keeping him down and all this crazy shit, about how the drug war was some kind of conspiracy or something, getting in my face, taking up my comfort zone- and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pretty sure that he was going to pull something- but I got out before he did.

Thought that maybe I could brighten someone else's day with this shaudenfreudan bullshit. Even if you had a bad night, at least you weren't me.

My boyfriend (who is strait edge and kept telling me this was going to happen) is so pissed that he can't look me in the eye. I've seriously never seen him this mad before. And the weird thing is, I don't think it's all at me. He went through my paperwork last night and got all pissed because it doesn't say anywhere exactly what I've been charged with. He got pissed because they didn't give me my Miranda rights. He got pissed because I'm an idiot, and I think that the upkeep on dating an idiot it beginning to wear him down.

I can't keep fucking up like this... I've got to do something...

Take driving lessons, don't get high when behind a wheel.

Why not just get a out of State address and get a learners permit then start over?

 

[Shagly]

You have an invalid license, you don't have car insurance and you "hit things". Which of these did the cop pull you over for?

You say your record's completely clean, but if you're at fault in an accident, you no longer have a clean record.

"Assigned Risk".

 

[girlsmiley]

Don't smoke in your car. That's disgusting.

And try not to kill anyone with your little habits.

Fuckhead.

 

[Very_Bad_Man]

Complete bullshit.

His attempts to talk like a young guy is hysterical though. I place him about 50. He has made to many faux pas in his many stories that does not align with his alleged age.

What kills me is the people that actually respond to this ninny like he is real. Fucking idiots being led by the Pied Piper of Idiocy.

 

[RazorBite]

including you cracker boy!

His attempts to talk like a young guy is hysterical though. I place him about 50. He has made to many faux pas in his many stories that does not align with his alleged age.

What kills me is the people that actually respond to this ninny like he is real. Fucking idiots being led by the Pied Piper of Idiocy.

 

[KRCummings]

His attempts to talk like a young guy is hysterical though. I place him about 50. He has made to many faux pas in his many stories that does not align with his alleged age.

What kills me is the people that actually respond to this ninny like he is real. Fucking idiots being led by the Pied Piper of Idiocy.

I was thinking the opposite and that he's a kid who's too stupid to keep a good timeline with his lies.

 

[CandiCame]

His attempts to talk like a young guy is hysterical though. I place him about 50. He has made to many faux pas in his many stories that does not align with his alleged age.

What kills me is the people that actually respond to this ninny like he is real. Fucking idiots being led by the Pied Piper of Idiocy.

Dude, I know that I usually ignore you, and we've been doing pretty good along those lines, but I gotta ask- what is it that makes you think I'm over twice my age? I don't consider that an insult. I'd love to be mature enough to pass for 30, let alone 50. Is it something in the way that I write? Because I want to be able to carry it over in RL.

For those of you saying, "Don't smoke and drive"- I realize that this is falling on deaf ears, but I've never hit ANYTHING while high. I hit lots of things while sober. Statistically, for me, personally, DUI involving mj is not something that is going to endanger lives. Now, if it were alcohol, that would be different, but I don't drink and drive. I understand that it's illegal to smoke though, and I'm already pretty dissapointed in myself. However, trying to make me feel bad for making the informed decision to medicate myself before I got behind the wheel (thereby making myself safer in the same manner that my citolopram does) isn't something that I'm going to beat myself up over. Getting caught is. I should've been more aware of my surroundings. I should've known there was a roach in there. I should have done a lot of things differently, but I didn't.

And now I'm scared because I fucked up. Noone else has ever been terrified because they fucked something up?

 

[CandiCame]

I was thinking the opposite and that he's a kid who's too stupid to keep a good timeline with his lies.

Yeah, if I was a liar, rather then just stupid- that would make more sense then placing me older then I am.

All in all, though, I think that if you're willing to have alts and worry about everyone else "lieing" to- I dunno, actually- what, impress a message board or something? Then you may be spending just a little to much time on that message board.

 

[QueenLevitra]

I'm inclined to call bullshit on you too BUT, I like your writing style and can actually get through your long posts without a loss of attention. That actually says a lot for this place. Most of the long winded blowhards, think December and NewEnglandGirl, just put me in a trance 2 sentences in.

Just in case this is really your life, well, sucks to be you lately and better days will come if you don't give it up.

:smokinginyourcarisNASTY!:

 

[CandiCame]

Take driving lessons, don't get high when behind a wheel.

Why not just get a out of State address and get a learners permit then start over?

You can do that? How do you do that?

 

[girlsmiley]

Statistically, for me, personally, DUI involving mj is not something that is going to endanger lives.

I dare you to tell that to the judge.

 

[Shagly]

You can do that? How do you do that?

Get a out of State address to use, apply for a learners permit and check off no to the little box where it says do you currently have a drivers license.

 

[CandiCame]

I dare you to tell that to the judge.

I KNOW, right, lol.

That's what Pierce said this morning, allmost word-for-word. Except he was like, "Yeah, why don't you tell them that- watch them hold you in contempt so fast your head'll spin."

I swear, I feel bad because I've spent my entire life calling my mom without stopping to think that intelligence is matralinially hereditary.

 

[CandiCame]

Get a out of State address to use, apply for a learners permit and check off no to the little box where it says do you currently have a drivers license.

Won't that fuck me up though, if they catch it. Kinda scared of Johnny law right now.

 

[Shagly]

Won't that fuck me up though, if they catch it. Kinda scared of Johnny law right now.

In todays economy jails are overrun with big time felons so there is not much to worry about since its not a major violence charge.

 

[Very_Bad_Man]

I was thinking the opposite and that he's a kid who's too stupid to keep a good timeline with his lies.

Well we can agree on his stupidity.

 

[girlsmiley]

I KNOW, right, lol.

That's what Pierce said this morning, allmost word-for-word. Except he was like, "Yeah, why don't you tell them that- watch them hold you in contempt so fast your head'll spin."

I swear, I feel bad because I've spent my entire life calling my mom without stopping to think that intelligence is matralinially hereditary.

Seriously mate, you need to focus.
Go to court and face the music. You'll live.
And then how about getting on a health buzz and taking care of yourself?
You know. Settle down. Exercise. Eat well. Be home at a reasonable hour. Clean your house. Do some ironing. That normal shit.

 

[phrodeau]

If you go to jail, you won't need to worry about October's rent.