Feedback on my story.

[djhindy]

hey, ladies and gents. i'm looking to get some honest feeback on my first story found here:

http://www.literotica.com/s/college-life-ch-01

I'd appreciate any tips, pointers, constructive critacism, and compliments you may have. The story is about a college guy who is tricked into the middle of a Sorority's lesbian orgy. Let me know what you think!

Thanks!
DJHindy

 

[Lien_Geller]

A little warning goes a long way.

Alright, well first off you probably want to give some warning about the nature of the tale you’re telling. The whole man-slut thing pretty much turned me off immediately and I just started severely skimming the moment they got the ball gag out. By the time they were dressing him up in drag you lost me completely. I’d throw this story possibly in the fetish or BDSM categories rather than group sex.

Better still, throw in an author’s note at the start to let the reader know what might be coming if it’s something that only appeals to the minority. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful since there’s nothing really wrong with what I read. The subject matter is just personally not my idea of a good time.

Oh, something I did pick up on was that the character of Naomi wasn’t very fleshed out. I got a brief ‘eyes, hair and body’ description and was told they were sort of friends. Mention something she did that he liked or have her do something that makes the reader see why he likes her. Lit has plenty of red haired, green eyed babes with smokin’ bodies. Tell us why yours is different.

 

[sr71plt]

You filed the exact same story last month under a different title.

I don't really agree with the need for warning. You'd have to run more wordage in warnings than story to take everything that could upset anyone into account--and then most wouldn't pay any attention to that anyway. You have "crossdressing" and "bdsm" in the key words. It's a pity, perhaps, that the key words aren't run on top of the stories as their own warnings, but it isn't your fault they aren't.

It mostly read OK to me. Occasionally you throw in a sentence that isn't backed up well enough (like the one about the lab partner being more than that in the first paragraph--that just sort of dangles there) and there's an occasional misuse of a word, e.g., "my" for "me" in the first paragraph. But there's nothing much impeding the flow and you write well enough.

Speaking of key words, though, I don't see "lesbian" playing into this at all. Why would lesbians have any interest in doing anything with this guy?

 

[djhindy]

You filed the exact same story last month under a different title.

this is because i needed to do some editing and was making it into a chain of stories, and i wanted to indicate that.

 

[djhindy]

thanks for the advice. I agree, the key words would be better place near the heading of stories, to give a better idea of what it contains.