Serious Feedback Invited

[MichaelWest]

As you may have surmised, I write. More specifically, I draft. Hoping to get back to writing and finishing all my stories, I hope to get feedback here, from those who have something serious to say towards improving my craft. Thank you in advance.

The story is titled "Bound Romance" and is found under BDSM.

The link is: http://www.literotica.com/s/bound-romance

 

[Dream_Operator]

Your story is bogged down by way too much description. In fact, that's all it really is -- a long list of objects being described (including the characters) in excruciating detail. Take out all the adjectives and adverbs, and there's really not much there.

If you want to improve your writing, take a section like this:

They had dined and attended the theater this night. When they returned to the car to drive here, once nestled in the leather of his car's seat, he had asked her to remove her blouse and her camisole and her brassiere. These sat on the back seat of his car.

And make it into an actual scene with dialog, action and reaction. Take the reader along for the journey, rather than describing it after the fact.

Lastly, your writing style comes off (to me anyway) like you are trying to impress someone (everyone?) with your verbosity. Try writing in a more natural voice.

 

[PennLady]

I'm going to have to agree with the previous poster. I started skimming to see what would happen. This is so passive, with all the "had done" and "was" and "had been." Tell me what's going on -- I only want the past if it's important to the present.

Various mechanical things need work. Your compound adjectives should be hyphenated: young-looking, slipper-clad, for example.

Please lose every instance of "very" or "almost." If she is "very pretty," then she is "beautiful." For "almost," just pick -- if her hair is "almost" purple-black, then it isn't, so tell me what it is, or just get there by a different route. Perhaps the light brings out purple highlights or something like that.

You can send "actually" out with the others. If it is, then it is, and knowing it "actually" is does not help.

And as I always say, lose the adverbs.

This is not to say the story was bad; I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. I do think various things could be done to make it better. In a way, with all the passive voice, I kept waiting for the "real" story to start.

 

[KarlMartinK]

I'm going to have to agree with the previous poster. I started skimming to see what would happen. This is so passive, with all the "had done" and "was" and "had been." Tell me what's going on -- I only want the past if it's important to the present.

Various mechanical things need work. Your compound adjectives should be hyphenated: young-looking, slipper-clad, for example.

Please lose every instance of "very" or "almost." If she is "very pretty," then she is "beautiful." For "almost," just pick -- if her hair is "almost" purple-black, then it isn't, so tell me what it is, or just get there by a different route. Perhaps the light brings out purple highlights or something like that.

You can send "actually" out with the others. If it is, then it is, and knowing it "actually" is does not help.

And as I always say, lose the adverbs.

This is not to say the story was bad; I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. I do think various things could be done to make it better. In a way, with all the passive voice, I kept waiting for the "real" story to start.

I just wanted to say, I think you give some pretty good feedback. I've read through a few of these threads and saw several of your comments. Not only did you take the time to read many of these stories, but your comments are pretty good. Some of the writers may not appreciate your comments, or at least they don't always say they do, but your feedback looks pretty good to me. I wish people like you would read my stories and give this kind of feedback (and this isn't a hint to ask you to read my stories, I would come right out and ask you).

 

[PennLady]

I just wanted to say, I think you give some pretty good feedback. I've read through a few of these threads and saw several of your comments. Not only did you take the time to read many of these stories, but your comments are pretty good. Some of the writers may not appreciate your comments, or at least they don't always say they do, but your feedback looks pretty good to me. I wish people like you would read my stories and give this kind of feedback (and this isn't a hint to ask you to read my stories, I would come right out and ask you).

Hi. Thanks. I do try. I'm not a professional editor, make no mistake. I do hope I'm helping -- I'm using what I remember, what I've learned in writing and being edited. And one can hardly give feedback without reading, so I do try to at least read some.

 

[KarlMartinK]

Hi. Thanks. I do try. I'm not a professional editor, make no mistake. I do hope I'm helping -- I'm using what I remember, what I've learned in writing and being edited. And one can hardly give feedback without reading, so I do try to at least read some.

Whether you're a professional or not, it looks like good editing to me. I'm sure it's helpful, too.