Just Someone Else sBegging for Critiques

[CandiCame]

I was wondering a couple of things;

1: Could someone please read my story and tell me what I'm doing wrong, I keep getting about a 3 rating

2: I'm thinking of turning the story into a webcomic or graphic novel, but since it's so poorly received, I was wondering if it would be a good idea

This is the first erotic story I've ever written and I really want to make it better! I'd really appreciate any help and gladly do critiques in return, for what they're worth!

http://www.literotica.com/s/xaxac-brigadon-and-knights-of-order-ch-01

 

[PennLady]

I just read this and came away pretty confused.

Who is this guy? We don't even have a name. Where is he? How did he get there? Who are these other people? How did he in fact come to be so ignorant of... everything?

As one commenter noted, there is no plot. This is kind of like stream of consciousness, and there's nothing to grab on to. I gather it's a medieval fantasy thing, from the names provided (like Quisliven (sp?)), but then it veers around and mentions things like OCD which is quite modern.

Anyway, it's just all over the place. I couldn't tell what the author wanted to do, what the gist of the story was, anything. The writing mechanics are decent, although I got tired of all the fragments and ellipses.

I'd be happy to answer more specific questions, but this is all I have now.

 

[CandiCame]

The character is from an actual book that I wrote that's being reviewed through Wizards entitled "Xaxac Brigadon & the Knight of the Long Knives". He doesn't know most things because he's lived in a single building most of his life... And most of the things that make no sense are because it is supposed to be rambling, because he can't get his head strait because he's a really bad drug addict; I've only gotten into the Opium and Alcohol so far, but there are a lot of other things that he eventually gets into as well.

The two gods I've mentioned,

Quizlivan is the lapin god of speed and time.
Thesies is the Pyresian god of fire and creator of the elven race. Shiron Firefist, who will show up later, and who Xac falls heads over heels for, is a priest of Thesies.

Oh, also something worth noting, is that a lapin is a kind of were-rabbit creature. There are something like 7 races of humans that transform, the most common being a lupin, the were-wolf.

The Knights of Order is a group, led by Shiron Firefist that Xaxac is already a member of during "The Knights of the Long Knife"; this is a story about how he became part of that group.

Xac knows a lot of modern terms because he eventually builds this Rosencratz & Guildenstern type of relationship with a Djinn who tries to teach him lots of things, but I didn't want this to be mentioned before it happens because it's kind of a plot point. His name is Lanus Lanjill, and I think that Xac has mentioned his name once already.

So I suppose my question is really, how do I make it cohesive, still Xaxac, and not spoil the entire plot at the beginning?

Really appreciate your reading, BTW! Thank you so much!

 

[PennLady]

Well, if this is part of a bigger story, it's a bit much to ask for reviews when we're missing information. Look at all the stuff you had to tell me, and honestly, it didn't make me like what I read any better.

I would suggest trying to write it in third person, at least part of the time, and put Xaxac's thoughts in small, journal-type excerpts. First person POV is one I find rather restrictive and here you have all this stuff that the narrator can't tell us because he doesn't know it.

Other thoughts are -- introduce some sort of teacher? Then the reader can be learning along with the narrator. Keep it in first person and introduce some third person excerpts? Like from textbooks or something that he could be learning from?

 

[CandiCame]

OOh, that's a really good idea! I really appreciate it!

 

[Nina21]

In all honesty, I was totally confused from paragraph one. It's a little hard to read, which looking at the entries above is as it is supposed to be given the characters state of mind but is invariably why the ratings you are getting are not particularly high.

I agree with PennLady though. There was a book I read some while ago where the chapters alternated between first and third person as it changed characters, that could be something you consider doing?

I'm not fantastic at giving feedback, but if you were interested I'd be happy to have a go at editing?

 

[CandiCame]

OMG, really!?

I just posted chapter 5, and I tried to leave out anything that might be confusing to the reader, all the references to Xren (the fantasy world this place in) so I really hope that helps! When Shiron comes on the scene, I'm thinking of switching to him and then as more characters come in, switching between them like "The woman in white".

But if you think that you can edit the first chapter to make it anything; I'd really appreciate it! You totally don't have to do that- that's so nice!

 

[Nina21]

OMG, really!?

I just posted chapter 5, and I tried to leave out anything that might be confusing to the reader, all the references to Xren (the fantasy world this place in) so I really hope that helps! When Shiron comes on the scene, I'm thinking of switching to him and then as more characters come in, switching between them like "The woman in white".

But if you think that you can edit the first chapter to make it anything; I'd really appreciate it! You totally don't have to do that- that's so nice!

It's no trouble, I like doing it. Lol. I've switched it to third person, for ease and then you can decide if you like it or not. I think it definitely will help you with being to make him seem confused without having to confuse the reader too.

You can always add snippets of things he is thinking as you go along, as you'll see I have in one section.

One thing I do wonder is if it might be a good idea to give his master a name, just so that he can be referred to without having to say "him, he, his" all in the same sentence and get the two confused.

I've tried not to alter what you've said too much - I will see if it will all fit in a private message to you.

 

[CandiCame]

OMG, thank you so much! Do you mind if I post this one if I link to you!? It's much better!

Hehe, if you like it and want to take a crack at my other low ratings, you'd be my hero!



My only footnote, and it's nothing really is something I forgot ot say before: Xac's a vegetarian. It's just something from that fantasy world, Lapins can't eat meat or they get sick, like rabbits.

 

[Nina21]

OMG, thank you so much! Do you mind if I post this one if I link to you!? It's much better!

Hehe, if you like it and want to take a crack at my other low ratings, you'd be my hero!



My only footnote, and it's nothing really is something I forgot ot say before: Xac's a vegetarian. It's just something from that fantasy world, Lapins can't eat meat or they get sick, like rabbits.

Of course I don't mind, it's your story, I just touched it up a bit.

I'll have a look at some of the other chapters if you like, I enjoy editing. Lol.

 

[CandiCame]

Just posted my first m/f chapter.

Xacs a top.

 

[CandiCame]

http://www.literotica.com/s/xaxac-brigadon-and-knights-of-order-ch-09

Xac's first "strait" chapter.

 

[Nina21]

I favourited it.

 

[CandiCame]

I favourited it.

Really!? Thanks so much!!

So you think I've gotten better!?

Sqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!!

 

[Nina21]

I do, but also I can get turned on by straight sex, not so much by gay men. Can't relate to it

 

[CandiCame]

I do, but also I can get turned on by straight sex, not so much by gay men. Can't relate to it

You're still my hero

There'll probably be more strait stuff in it to; people forget, I was kinda worried that it wouldn't be that good because I don't top very well...

 

[Nina21]

If you're not sure it sounds good, get someone who does top to have a read of it and see what they think. Always helps. Lol.