Need some advice

[qwerty1122]

I would like to apologize in advance for the incredibly poorly written text below but i'm not thinking clearly and am angry:

My gf is unengaged, impatient, selfish and sensitive in bed. She has expressed to me several times, and i to her that we want a ds relationship in the bedroom ( and a taken in hand one outside of it) but lately i'm not feeling it. When we are having sex and I am trying to be dominant and I am constantly being told what to do by my little chatterbox. Additionally, it is my responsiblity to make sure that I am into it, she is into it, she is aroused, and I am aroused. So after spending a lot of time on her and making her wet and getting her into the scene etc, i then am left there to get my own dick hard since all she did while i was playing with her was lie there. I cannot tell you how many times i have had to grab her hand and put it to my penis. a flaccid penis since her lack of interest in getting me hard doesnt get me hard. shocker! which only puts her off further. so now i am getting myself hard while she plays with herself and fantasizes about all the scenes she would like to do, but is too afraid to tell me and then gives me attitude when i am not doing things right. and there is rarely a time when she is wet and into it and i am hard and into it, since the sex always seems one sided and i am not getting anything back from her.

My gf is lazy during sex. if i try to get her on top she groans, acts uninterested and doesnt care. but if she is on her stomach and i am pounding her hard with every last bit of energy i have left worrying more about her own orgasm than my own, its all she wants.

If I start to get annoyed by her subbing from the bottom and lose interest in the sex of course my dick loses interest too, what does my gf do? nothing, she did nothing while it was hard and still does nothing to keep me in the mindset and in the game after it isnt. When we are going at it, she doesn't do anything to keep me involved or make me feel like I am actually having sex with her, and not just at her. No verbal response (other than to say I want you to do this and that (stuff i was getting to in like half a second if she was just patient)), physical, or otherwise. half the enjoyment for me is the reaction you get from your sub, but im getting nothing out of this person and everytime i approach her on the subject she says she doesnt know what to say or how to act/react. But then when things go awry in the bedroom she goes off to sleep in a huff and gives me attitude! i dont know what do about this.

Why am i not just asserting myself to get what I want out of her and do what I think is right to make her happy as well? She ends it when I try to get her to do what I want and starts crying. (normally tears are good, and I have a done a ok job of getting the good tears in the past but they are random occurences).

I thought i would come here before I tried anything damaging. is she pushing me? does she want me to totally dominate her and ignore when she is telling me to stop? Im not looking to mentally break my gf ( or does she want me to, i have no idea anymore) and i dont think she can take it, she is a highly sensitive person.

I'm sure i haev left things out but that should give you a general idea, anybody have any input on this? I am at a loss for what to do, we are young and just getting into this but i am losing patience when she wont talk to me and then gets mad i cannot read her mind. thank you for any help. sorry this was so long.

 

[SubmissiveBrat]

Obviously you are not compatible. Get a new girlfriend.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

You sounds really frustrated and I can understand why. I am sure you will get lots of good information from people here, but I just wanted to say that I understand your frustration.

However, from what you have written .... if you have D/s relationship ... at this point she is the D.

There are tons of great websites and internet resources for new Doms, new subs, making a relationship work, etc. Let google be your friend

 

[bhndblueyes88]

You sound really frustrated and I hope you can figure this out with her.

It generally sounds like she just doesn't give a rat's ass, and it's not a "D/s relationship" she wants. To me, it sounds like she's exactly what you described....lazy. I think she's using the moniker of a "D/s relationship" to get some rough sex and to not have to DO anything (although that's SO MUCH bullshit even for an actual D/s relationship, so clearly she doesn't know wtf she's talking about). That or she really wants to be the top/Dom, but she's not saying so and is just manipulating you like this instead (consciously or subconsciously). Whatever. There's any number of reasons why your sex life isn't actually mirroring a D/s relationship, and why you're so frustrated with your situation.

Have you tried talking with her at all about it? Like, a calm, sit-down discussion completely unattached to any sex activities? Tell her what you told us here (minus anything that can be construed as insulting or accusatory...true or not those don't help discussions), and let her know how frustrated you know.

If things don't improve after such a discussion, I just don't think it will work out.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Do you have a working relationship outside the bedroom? Could it be that she is just inexperienced?

I'd be careful with anything remotely D/s or rough as long as you don't communicate well about what it is you both want and don't want.

 

[the captians wench]

Ya know, it may sound dorky, but some times check lists can be a good ice breaker. You can google all kinds of bdsm check lists. Basically she fills out her's, you fill out your's, and then you compair them. Often it's a lot easier to check a box then it is to come out and say "I really like taking it up the ass"

CutieMouse and Stella are really good resourses for books.

Another thing that might help is if you both sit down seperately and write out a deffinition of dom and sub both inside and outside of the bedroom, then compair notes. Often what you might think is sub behavior, she might think is more slave like, and so on. There are many many different terms and deffinitions out there, but most seem to try to cover them all under either "dom" or "sub".

 

[CutieMouse]

My gut reaction is that she's a selfish little twit who's incapable of a mature, equitable (as in both parties getting their needs met) sexual relationship. You could always take her on as a project and teach her, but life's too short to bother, IMO... But in case I'm totally off the mark -

How old are both of you? How long have you been together? Did she bring up D/s first, or you? How much sexual experience does she have (compared to you)? Where is she getting her ideas about how the D/s stuff works?

 

[qwerty1122]

thanks for all the advice guys. she is 20 i am 23, and we have been together for almost year. outside of the bedroom we could not be more compatible, it is creepy at times how in sync and similar we are. I have tried to talk about this with her several times and we are actually having another discussion tonight about it, but it never works. she just rolls her eyes and doesnt believe me when i say she is lazy. and sometimes she even agrees with me! and says "yea im pretty lazy". we argue over that but nothing changes.

As for the list thing, we both do want the same things, at least ive said what i want and she has said what she wants and they are basically the same exact things, but when i try and give her what she wants

sidebar: she has all her fantasies worked out in her head, she tells me every time she masturbates ( the one thing i have control over) that she is go over all these scenes in her head and they get her aroused. but she wont tell me what they are unless i crowbar them out of her over the course of a month.

and guess how she wants it to go i dont seem to be getting anywhere. i want some give and take but im nbot getting any. usually when you dom someone (an ex in the past anyway) you get some reaction from your sub! otherwise what is the point?

 

[pussyg]

My partner and i are fairly new to all this, but one thing that springs to mind in reading this is just how dominant are you/do you want to be with her?
In my very brief experience once you've agreed between you where the boundaries are, then the Dom takes the lead. If you want her to suck your cock, tell her too - and have a consequence up your sleeve for refusal. It is not, and shouldn't be, all about her. Being submissive isn't about getting all the attention - much the opposite. You should be doing to/with her what you want to, in line with what you have spoken about outside of the scene. We have found that you do need to do a bit of preparation and thinking before you start, but if you are the Dom in this relationship, at least in the bedroom, then you need to start to be more dominant - in my humble submissive opinion.

Good luck, i really hope you guys figure this out - especially given that you seem to be so close outside of this. If it's not working at the end of the day, it is not worth ending what is otherwise a perfectly good relationship just because you can't quite get the kink right! It's not for everyone.

xx

 

[chaoticDeviance]

How much previous experience do you have with D/s or BDSM in general? You are both fairly young, so I was curious as to how much experience you both had prior to your relationship. There are a lot of details that could be factors in this situation.

Likely, you both need to do a bit more research and see if you may want to explore entirely different roles all together. Just a thought though.

 

[qwerty1122]

i have some experience with this, but not as much as i would like. I would love to develop this with her though and she is always telling me how she wants this to go further but never in what way. I cannot seem to get her to open up about her needs.

When i tell her to suck my cock she does, when i dominate in her the bedroom, what she claims she wants, she says she is enjoying it but she isnt getting more aroused just more impatient it seems.

we both definitely need more experience but i feel like i am the only one trying, and until she gets off her hands in the bedroom it is at a standstill.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Aargh.

I am so sorry. A lot of people fall into the trap she's in. It's rough on them and rough on their lovers, too. I k now this for a fact because I was in that same trap, for decades, seriously.

She wants those fantasies to move at exactly the right pace, feel exactly right, touch exactly the right spots and never deviate from what is exactly right.

Any submission she wants to do has to be exactly what she wants, be admired in exactly the right words at exactly the right time...

And of course the truth is that simply doesn't happen, when she 'submits' she has to give herself over to someone elses desires.

So, she needs to learn to address her desires differently. You are not going to be able to enact her fantasies in perfect detail, it's simply not possible.

What finally got me over the hump, was that I started enacting my fantasies as the top. I played out my desires on other people. And maybe that's what she needs to do too-- sooner than I did, for crissake!

 

[shy slave]

A range of thoughts went through my mind about your situation.

Perhaps she has been 'taught' through girl talk or previous b/f that doing nothing is the right thing to do. Or a poor website informed her that subs do nothing. It may not actually be her fault, but by agreeing with you and not changing makes her seem selfish. People only change if they want to, however frustrating letting her know you will not continue with the situation may make her want to.

You could simply stop indulging her. I don't mean get all Dom, but simply do it your way and when she doesn't engage, stop the sex. That may shock her enough to realise the problem.

You could become more Dominant, take more control and see what happens. No, I don't mean end up in a situation where she is saying 'No,' but a situation where you do not give her opportunity to tell you exactly how it has to be. It would mean you being selfish.

You could gag ger, that way you don't have to listen or be directed. If she continues her one-sided way of being, at least she is quiet.

It could be she enjoys wrapping you around her figure and gaining all that attention to tell you her fantasies. Either tell her you don't need to know, or ask her to write them down and mail them to you. Postal mail would give you the time to have them arrive and read at your leisure, not when she is ready to email them and then keep asking, have your read them?
She has control if they are emailed as she chooses when they arrive.

I know she is only young, but she is not that young, it did occur to me that you should find another g/f. Compatability outside of sex is ok, if sex is not that big a deal.
To me compatability out of the bedroom, which does not reach the bedroom door is a friendship, not lovers, not D/s or anything else; just close friends.

As an aside, does she realise you could end the relationship if she does not make you less frustrated with her?

 

[qwerty1122]

Aargh.

I am so sorry. A lot of people fall into the trap she's in. It's rough on them and rough on their lovers, too. I k now this for a fact because I was in that same trap, for decades, seriously.

She wants those fantasies to move at exactly the right pace, feel exactly right, touch exactly the right spots and never deviate from what is exactly right.

Any submission she wants to do has to be exactly what she wants, be admired in exactly the right words at exactly the right time...

And of course the truth is that simply doesn't happen, when she 'submits' she has to give herself over to someone elses desires.

So, she needs to learn to address her desires differently. You are not going to be able to enact her fantasies in perfect detail, it's simply not possible.

What finally got me over the hump, was that I started enacting my fantasies as the top. I played out my desires on other people. And maybe that's what she needs to do too-- sooner than I did, for crissake!

i agree with you 100%, but im guessing you were ok with telling your fantasies to people! she wont budge on the issue and after a year i have only gotten her to share one with me and it was incredibly vague. i dont want to rush her and she doesnt want me to, but that doesnt give her license to give me attitude when thigns arent going exactly her way.

 

[shy slave]

Aargh.

I am so sorry. A lot of people fall into the trap she's in. It's rough on them and rough on their lovers, too. I k now this for a fact because I was in that same trap, for decades, seriously.

She wants those fantasies to move at exactly the right pace, feel exactly right, touch exactly the right spots and never deviate from what is exactly right.

Any submission she wants to do has to be exactly what she wants, be admired in exactly the right words at exactly the right time...

And of course the truth is that simply doesn't happen, when she 'submits' she has to give herself over to someone elses desires.

So, she needs to learn to address her desires differently. You are not going to be able to enact her fantasies in perfect detail, it's simply not possible.

What finally got me over the hump, was that I started enacting my fantasies as the top. I played out my desires on other people. And maybe that's what she needs to do too-- sooner than I did, for crissake!

I like this advice.

Her becoming a top had not occured to me.

I guess that's why I am better off as a sub!

 

[qwerty1122]

A range of thoughts went through my mind about your situation.

Perhaps she has been 'taught' through girl talk or previous b/f that doing nothing is the right thing to do. Or a poor website informed her that subs do nothing. It may not actually be her fault, but by agreeing with you and not changing makes her seem selfish. People only change if they want to, however frustrating letting her know you will not continue with the situation may make her want to.

You could simply stop indulging her. I don't mean get all Dom, but simply do it your way and when she doesn't engage, stop the sex. That may shock her enough to realise the problem.

You could become more Dominant, take more control and see what happens. No, I don't mean end up in a situation where she is saying 'No,' but a situation where you do not give her opportunity to tell you exactly how it has to be. It would mean you being selfish.

You could gag ger, that way you don't have to listen or be directed. If she continues her one-sided way of being, at least she is quiet.

It could be she enjoys wrapping you around her figure and gaining all that attention to tell you her fantasies. Either tell her you don't need to know, or ask her to write them down and mail them to you. Postal mail would give you the time to have them arrive and read at your leisure, not when she is ready to email them and then keep asking, have your read them?
She has control if they are emailed as she chooses when they arrive.

I know she is only young, but she is not that young, it did occur to me that you should find another g/f. Compatability outside of sex is ok, if sex is not that big a deal.
To me compatability out of the bedroom, which does not reach the bedroom door is a friendship, not lovers, not D/s or anything else; just close friends.

As an aside, does she realise you could end the relationship if she does not make you less frustrated with her?

we actually live together. probably shoudl have mentioned that somewhere as well, sorry.

and ive tied her up gagged her, spanked, choked, etc. (things she asked for when we were going over what we want from sex months ago) but while it does quiet things down and lets me have control, it isnt making her wet, or seemingly interested.


she does not think i will end the relationship for this. but she knows if she causes a certain kind of trouble (id rather not divulge it here) that i will leave her. perhaps i should add her sexual apathy to that.

 

[shy slave]

we actually live together. probably shoudl have mentioned that somewhere as well, sorry.

and ive tied her up gagged her, spanked, choked, etc. (things she asked for when we were going over what we want from sex months ago) but while it does quiet things down and lets me have control, it isnt making her wet, or seemingly interested.

She could still use postal mail to tell you what she is thinking.

Stella may be right, she may have thoughts about being a top, in which case I can imagine it would be difficult to tell you.

Could the lack of wetness be a medical thing?
I used to run rivers at the slightest thing, but since having a coil fitted it doesn't matter how turned on I am, I am barely wet.
Am still learning to live with it.

 

[qwerty1122]

She could still use postal mail to tell you what she is thinking.

Stella may be right, she may have thoughts about being a top, in which case I can imagine it would be difficult to tell you.

Could the lack of wetness be a medical thing?
I used to run rivers at the slightest thing, but since having a coil fitted it doesn't matter how turned on I am, I am barely wet.
Am still learning to live with it.

it was a medical thing for a while, new birth control dried up what was otherwise an ocean. but a fwe months ago she changed them again, and everything seemed to be back to normal, so we decided to explore our kinks. not that we had strictly vanilla sex before but moreso than now.

 

[pussyg]

i think shyslave has a good point there - if she can't tell you, can she write it down -maybe you could set her a diary task as her Dom? Or a research task.
At the beginning of this year the only fantasy i could vocalise was about being tied up. My Husband introduced me to a certain site that has sooooo many fantasies in story form, now he can't shut me up! It's about trying to find the way in.

Oh, and buy some lube! As a girl who's been dry herself, believe me it's really hard to break the psychological barrier that brings and just enjoy. It may be that her passivity is because she's anxious about not getting wet?

May i say i think you are showing immense respect for her in trying to get some answers here. You clearly want to make this work for both of you. It does sound like you both need to do quite a bit more research. x

 

[qwerty1122]

i think shyslave has a good point there - if she can't tell you, can she write it down -maybe you could set her a diary task as her Dom? Or a research task.
At the beginning of this year the only fantasy i could vocalise was about being tied up. My Husband introduced me to a certain site that has sooooo many fantasies in story form, now he can't shut me up! It's about trying to find the way in.

Oh, and buy some lube! As a girl who's been dry herself, believe me it's really hard to break the psychological barrier that brings and just enjoy. It may be that her passivity is because she's anxious about not getting wet?

May i say i think you are showing immense respect for her in trying to get some answers here. You clearly want to make this work for both of you. It does sound like you both need to do quite a bit more research. x

Lube has helped us quite a bit. And actually the only way i got the only fantasy out of her was to make her write it down and read it to me. i like the journal idea, and im going to try it. thank you for the help, i will update you on how this goes. I really need to establish a firm base on this soon. She is leaving the country for four months for school soon, only complicating the issues.

 

[chaoticDeviance]

To go along with the writing thing, perhaps you could both keep journals of your thoughts and feelings to share with each other. I have done that before.

 

[Stella_Omega]

i agree with you 100%, but im guessing you were ok with telling your fantasies to people! she wont budge on the issue and after a year i have only gotten her to share one with me and it was incredibly vague. i dont want to rush her and she doesnt want me to, but that doesnt give her license to give me attitude when thigns arent going exactly her way.

No, I was not. I could not.

I still can't talk about my fantasies easily-- as I said, I can put them onto someone else, have them play my part. I didn't consider that, for years, and i would have been furious, I think, back in my 20's that someone else was getting what I wanted-- from me. I didn't WANT to be a top! I wanted my fair share! they were MY fantasies!

But if she has any empathic response at all, she might find a lot of pleasure in it.

I see that you're talking about writing, some of my fiction started off that exact way.

she does not think i will end the relationship for this. but she knows if she causes a certain kind of trouble (id rather not divulge it here) that i will leave her. perhaps i should add her sexual apathy to that.

If that kind of trouble is drugs-related, then it's very possible her sexual issues are related to her drug preferences. certain kinds of drugs can really exaggerate the 'me-first' personality, and IMO, 'me first' types are often drawn to those types of drugs.

Just saying.

 

[Guest]

i got a thought on your situation i say bend her over and give her a spanking

 

[BiBunny]

I hate to be a downer, but I've been in this situation before. In my experience, it never gets better and often gets worse.

That may not necessarily be the case in your situation, though. Nevertheless, the folks here have offered you some good advice. Good luck!

 

[the captians wench]

Could the lack of wetness be a medical thing?
I used to run rivers at the slightest thing, but since having a coil fitted it doesn't matter how turned on I am, I am barely wet.
Am still learning to live with it.

Judging a girl's arousal by how wet she is, is like judging a guy's arousal by how hard his cock is; it's not always reliable.