I don't want to be submissive anymore

[erika39]

My journey started here, I want it to end here. How do you kill the fire that has been lit inside you?

 

[HottieMama]

Ok..first thing I want to ask is what happened? I felt/feel the same way at times, but it's typically because something really BAD (to me) has occurred.

 

[rekane]

I completely understand.
There are ways to dilute it, I'm sure.
Maybe submit in smaller and smaller increments?
Or become your own Dom by using the same energy you had to make your own life better and serve yourself?

I know those sound goofy, but I am serious.

However, my first reaction was to tell you to find a shitty dom - I have a name if you need it.

 

[HottieMama]

However, my first reaction was to tell you to find a shitty dom - I have a name if you need it.

We can start a list....

 

[the captians wench]

if it's just sexual, just abstain for a few months. i know the longer between orgasms, the less interested in having them I become. I've gone from bubbling hot all day every day when i was getting it on a regular basis, to only having passing thoughts every other day or so.

If it's more than that I'm not sure. I know I feel that way every time I have to deal with people with stronger personalities. My first instinct is to back off and follow, but usually I'm expected (work mostly) to do the opposite. It's a daily struggle.

 

[erika39]

Hottie, not sure any "one" thing happened. I just don't get it right, being a submissive or slave. My mind wants to hide and protect itself. I thought I finally had it right, only to learn I failed again.

 

[erika39]

Thank you, rekane and captian's wench. I don't know how to do the quote thing and reply correctly. I am grateful for your replies.

 

[Stella_Omega]

When you say "submissive," what do you mean by it? People use the single word for a whole bunch of traits. As the Captians wench points out...

Tell us more, if you don't mind?

 

[eastern sun]

If you're asking how to change habitual patterns of behavior in your relationships, try something like Al-Anon. It's very helpful.

 

[CutieMouse]

Hottie, not sure any "one" thing happened. I just don't get it right, being a submissive or slave. My mind wants to hide and protect itself. I thought I finally had it right, only to learn I failed again.

Who gets to say that being protective of oneself (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc) is wrong or NOT submissive/slave/whatever? Why does it have to be an issue of YOU "failing" or not getting it "right" (whatever that means), rather than an issue of the relationship not working out, or the other party (Dominant/whatever) not being the right person for you?

IMO, if the goal is to "get it right", one will rarely (if ever) live up to whatever is supposedly "right".

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hottie, not sure any "one" thing happened. I just don't get it right, being a submissive or slave. My mind wants to hide and protect itself. I thought I finally had it right, only to learn I failed again.

Okay, what.

You're not doing it right? Who told you that? Some Lord Domly Dom of Domdom?

Erika, Maybe you are NOT "submissive" or a slave. Maybe you're an adult woman with some kinky preferences. Maybe you've been convinced that your kinks can only be honored if you act a certain way. Maybe you've been told this, by someone who in fact- can't actually muster the actual strength and authority to handle the responsibility.

 

[the captians wench]

Who gets to say that being protective of oneself (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc) is wrong or NOT submissive/slave/whatever? Why does it have to be an issue of YOU "failing" or not getting it "right" (whatever that means), rather than an issue of the relationship not working out, or the other party (Dominant/whatever) not being the right person for you?

IMO, if the goal is to "get it right", one will rarely (if ever) live up to whatever is supposedly "right".

QFT

but probably one of the hardest lessons for me to learn

 

[HottieMama]

Okay, what.

You're not doing it right? Who told you that? Some Lord Domly Dom of Domdom?

Erika, Maybe you are NOT "submissive" or a slave. Maybe you're an adult woman with some kinky preferences. Maybe you've been convinced that your kinks can only be honored if you act a certain way. Maybe you've been told this, by someone who in fact- can't actually muster the actual strength and authority to handle the responsibility.

And Stella does it again!

Seriously, I just went through this with someone telling me that I wasn't "good enough" and that I wasn't "doing it right." It took a bit...but I finally realized that I was doing it right for ME and that they were the one who had the problem. Not ME.

 

[Kurokami]

Okay, what.

You're not doing it right? Who told you that? Some Lord Domly Dom of Domdom?

Erika, Maybe you are NOT "submissive" or a slave. Maybe you're an adult woman with some kinky preferences. Maybe you've been convinced that your kinks can only be honored if you act a certain way. Maybe you've been told this, by someone who in fact- can't actually muster the actual strength and authority to handle the responsibility.

Well said!

The way I look at it is like this: there is only one, single 'correct' way to indulge in kinks like submission, or dominance, or whatever, and it goes like this: Does what you are doing feel good to you? If yes, then you are doing it correctly. With the obvious addition being that your partner/s should also be providing an affirmative answer to that question, especially if you're aiming for submissive.

Irrespective of that, any partner, be it a Dom or whoever else, who can say 'you are doing it wrong,' is just displacing their dissatisfaction onto you; they are the one with the actual problem. Ideally, what's needed in a situation like that is communication, but 'wrong' is kind of accusatory, and there might not be room for that.

Of course, this is all speculative. I don't really know much about the realities of your situation, Erika, beyond a hope that it works out for ya.

 

[rekane]

I really don't want to hijack this thread. However, as I am reading the posts regarding "getting it wrong", I am struck by an idea of control vs. authority.

You can try to control without having authority by putting people down and attempting to bend them to your will.

Or you can use your authority to control a situation and build people up.

 

[HottieMama]

I really don't want to hijack this thread. However, as I am reading the posts regarding "getting it wrong", I am struck by an idea of control vs. authority.

You can try to control without having authority by putting people down and attempting to bend them to your will.

Or you can use your authority to control a situation and build people up.

The control vs. authority debate is a good one! Perhaps it deserves its' own thread rekane...

 

[ai72off]

I'm confused...

My journey started here, I want it to end here. How do you kill the fire that has been lit inside you?

By implying there is still a fire inside for something, why would that be something you try to kill instead of embrace?

If the real issue is a relationship or situation, then kill that.

Identify the part that fuels the fire and then stoke it. Get rid of the part that you want to kill (advice I would offer if it was a job, kink, clothes, etc).

Or maybe be a bit more specific about what you are really feeling.

 

[rekane]

The control vs. authority debate is a good one! Perhaps it deserves its' own thread rekane...

From your lips to God's ear.

No, wait.

It's actually from your fast moving fingertips to my computer screen.

In any case, consider it done.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm not even going to blame the dude for this, I am, once more and with feeling, going to blame whatever it is that gets humans all excited about the psychodrama.

For all we know, Erika, your dom isn't actually cut out to BE a dom, and he's faking it too. Possibly faking it to himself. Someone told HIM that if he wanted to do kinky things with a lady, he had to muster up the big cojones and BE DOMINANT.

But here's another way to look at what's going on. It might be that you are perfactly willing to be submissive, and a slave, and your master is the one that's failing. To ask someone for complete transparency? You are asking for a lot.

I was privileged to be in the compnay, last week, of a brilliant man-- Dr Robert Rubel a submissive top, and amongst the things he discussed was this exactly. He pointed out that submission is hugely valuable thing.

You don't get something of that magnitude for free.

Unless Erika's Dom is giving her back an equal measure of value, she is being cheated-- andit sounds like she's starting to feel cheated. Sir Dom might not have thought about this, many don't. But he's losing his sub.

He's probably, by Erika's comments, doing a shitload of criticism, and forgetting how to praise. That's pretty typical in vanilla relationships too, but by the rules of D/s it goes only the one way.

If, Erika, you decide you want to stay in BDSM, I suggest you start thinking about training your Dom in being a better one.

Dr Bob has written a lot of books-- thesex magic one, whoo-whee! but there are three that I am from now on forcing people to buy at gunpoint if I have to!

master/Slave relations

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony

 

[rekane]

I'm not even going to blame the dude for this, I am, once more and with feeling, going to blame whatever it is that gets humans all excited about the psychodrama.

For all we know, Erika, your dom isn't actually cut out to BE a dom, and he's faking it too. Possibly faking it to himself. Someone told HIM that if he wanted to do kinky things with a lady, he had to muster up the big cojones and BE DOMINANT.

But here's another way to look at what's going on. It might be that you are perfactly willing to be submissive, and a slave, and your master is the one that's failing. To ask someone for complete transparency? You are asking for a lot.

I was privileged to be in the compnay, last week, of a brilliant man-- Dr Robert Rubel a submissive top, and amongst the things he discussed was this exactly. He pointed out that submission is hugely valuable thing.

You don't get something of that magnitude for free.

Unless Erika's Dom is giving her back an equal measure of value, she is being cheated-- andit sounds like she's starting to feel cheated. Sir Dom might not have thought about this, many don't. But he's losing his sub.

He's probably, by Erika's comments, doing a shitload of criticism, and forgetting how to praise. That's pretty typical in vanilla relationships too, but by the rules of D/s it goes only the one way.

If, Erika, you decide you want to stay in BDSM, I suggest you start thinking about training your Dom in being a better one.

Dr Bob has written a lot of books-- thesex magic one, whoo-whee! but there are three that I am from now on forcing people to buy at gunpoint if I have to!

master/Slave relations

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony

Damn, Stella.

Your posts remind me to be more reflective and to dig a little deeper.

Thought provoking and very well said, as always.

 

[Primalex]

For all we know, Erika, your dom isn't actually cut out to BE a dom, and he's faking it too. Possibly faking it to himself. Someone told HIM that if he wanted to do kinky things with a lady, he had to muster up the big cojones and BE DOMINANT.

But here's another way to look at what's going on. It might be that you are perfactly willing to be submissive, and a slave, and your master is the one that's failing. To ask someone for complete transparency? You are asking for a lot.

Unless Erika's Dom is giving her back an equal measure of value, she is being cheated-- andit sounds like she's starting to feel cheated. Sir Dom might not have thought about this, many don't. But he's losing his sub.

He's probably, by Erika's comments, doing a shitload of criticism, and forgetting how to praise. That's pretty typical in vanilla relationships too, but by the rules of D/s it goes only the one way.

If, Erika, you decide you want to stay in BDSM, I suggest you start thinking about training your Dom in being a better one.

WTF?!

Three sentences here in this thread that contain no kind of information and this is your conclusion? Or do you have pre-made texts that you apply randomly to threads?

 

[Stella_Omega]

WTF?!

Three sentences here in this thread that contain no kind of information and this is your conclusion? Or do you have pre-made texts that you apply randomly to threads?

There is a world of information in these two sentences:

• My mind wants to hide and protect itself.
  
• I thought I finally had it right, only to learn I failed again.

 

[Primalex]

There is a world of information in these two sentences:

• My mind wants to hide and protect itself.
  
• I thought I finally had it right, only to learn I failed again.

You mean there is a world for every kind of imagination.

Maybe you should read her posting history first before you sprinkle guilt with a watering can.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You mean there is a world for every kind of imagination.

Maybe you should read her posting history first before you sprinkle guilt with a watering can.

Did I accidentally sprinkle some guilt on you? I am so sorry! It was unintentional, I assure you.

 

[Primalex]

Did I accidentally sprinkle some guilt on you? I am so sorry! It was unintentional, I assure you.

No need to worry - I hope you don't mind either that I call bullshit whenever I see it. I assure you, it's intentional every time.