How do you "blow someone off" politely??

[HottieMama]

Here's the situation. I have gone on two dates with a woman I will call L. She is very nice, polite, friendly etc... I have an "ok" time when we are together face to face. I like her as a PERSON. Is she relationship material for me? Absolutely not. There are a few reasons why but the main one is that she is absolutely, positively vanilla in every damn sense of the term. Now I don't need an overt D/s dynamic with a partner, and I don't need predefined roles, but I DO need kinky, rough sex. I also don't do the "typical lesbian" two dates and a fuck and we're gonna be together forever type thing...which she seems to be really into...LOL. I made a HUGE mistake, imo, and had sex with her last Saturday. After that was about as exciting for me as watching paint dry, I decided I don't need to go out with her anymore. She seems to think we are a couple, and is becoming pretty emotionally invested in us and our future together.

How do I, as gently as possible, tell her there is no "us?" I don't want to hurt her emotionally, but I can't pretend to be into her and keep this going...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Here's the situation. I have gone on two dates with a woman I will call L. She is very nice, polite, friendly etc... I have an "ok" time when we are together face to face. I like her as a PERSON. Is she relationship material for me? Absolutely not. There are a few reasons why but the main one is that she is absolutely, positively vanilla in every damn sense of the term. Now I don't need an overt D/s dynamic with a partner, and I don't need predefined roles, but I DO need kinky, rough sex. I also don't do the "typical lesbian" two dates and a fuck and we're gonna be together forever type thing...which she seems to be really into...LOL. I made a HUGE mistake, imo, and had sex with her last Saturday. After that was about as exciting for me as watching paint dry, I decided I don't need to go out with her anymore. She seems to think we are a couple, and is becoming pretty emotionally invested in us and our future together.

How do I, as gently as possible, tell her there is no "us?" I don't want to hurt her emotionally, but I can't pretend to be into her and keep this going...

Honesty is usually a good policy, and if you can be gentle with it, it will probably hurt her less.

 

[HottieMama]

Sir W...Believe it or not...LOL....but I am about as gentle as a bull in a china shop... I never got the tact gene it seems...and my sense of honesty is brutal at best...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Sir W...Believe it or not...LOL....but I am about as gentle as a bull in a china shop... I never got the tact gene it seems...and my sense of honesty is brutal at best...

We've met, 'member? And you *do* have social abilities.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Just don't do the "its not you, its me" thing.

Sorry I don't have any advice on how to do it nicely except that it's fairer on both of you to do it sooner rather than later and to have a plan in your mind on how to control the conversation. Don't get involved on the going around in circles broken record style and make sure you stick to your decision even though it will hurt her. Its so easy to just to with it rather than do what needs to be done.

 

[Stella_Omega]

What about something like;

"Honey, I feel horrible about telling you this, but I am on a different path than you. You seem so very vanilla, and I'm a heavy masochist--I have a lot of BDSM needs that would make you very unhappy to know about. I don't want you to try to be anything you're not. let's not drag each other through the mud."

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

I confess that reading the title I had very immature thoughts that made me giggle.

But on topic, it seems that you're not really looking to be polite, but trying to find a way to break it off without hurting her feelings.

As far as I can tell, that doesn't exist (I mean obviously you can have good break ups, but then either both people want to break; like a no fault divorce, or neither person is emotionally invested). You've said how she is already treating you like a couple and trying invest in your future together, the only way I can see to get rid of her is to be honest. I think if you try to be polite or make it easy or sugarcoat it in anyway, she's either not going to get it and won't accept it or she's going to know you're lying and take it even worse.

So sit her down, tell her you're not look for an emotional relationship and that she is not what you are looking for in a sexual partner.Basically just tell her what Stella said

Though I have to take a bit of an issue on the whole "typical lesbian thing". How is that typically lesbian, I think it's typical of anyone who is looking for a long term relationship.

 

[eastern sun]

You could tell her that you've enjoyed her company, but that you've discovered you can't give her what she's looking for sexually (and vice versa). And you're sorry that is so.

If she objects, and tries to say that it's possible . . . you can tell her you've been in other relationships that ended painfully for the same reason, and you don't want that to happen between the two of you.

 

[GrimsPet]

Sir W...Believe it or not...LOL....but I am about as gentle as a bull in a china shop... I never got the tact gene it seems...and my sense of honesty is brutal at best...

You sound like me!
It's one of those qualities Master likes about me.

OK, with that knowledge I would say TRY to be gentle. I would say something like:

"I know we have gone out a couple times and we've had a good time together. However I do not believe you and I would work out in the long run. We have to many differences. I am sorry, but I must end this now."

You're not pointing fingers and it doesn't put the blame on you or her. I would do it over coffee at some cafe as well, NOT over the phone or the internet. I've been broke up with enough times by guys using both of those that I can tell you it makes the situation that much worse.

 

[HottieMama]

Though I have to take a bit of an issue on the whole "typical lesbian thing". How is that typically lesbian, I think it's typical of anyone who is looking for a long term relationship.

I suppose you never heard the old joke then... What does a lesbian bring to a second date??? A U-haul.

 

[satindesire]

What about something like;

"Honey, I feel horrible about telling you this, but I am on a different path than you. You seem so very vanilla, and I'm a heavy masochist--I have a lot of BDSM needs that would make you very unhappy to know about. I don't want you to try to be anything you're not. let's not drag each other through the mud."

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner!

This. Exactly.

It's honest, completely honest, but still very gentle and compassionate. Tell her that it's YOUR own sexuality that's the issue, so she doesn't think she's done something wrong to drive you away.

 

[bambikiller]

Just stop answering her calls and don't call her.

 

[HottieMama]

Just stop answering her calls and don't call her.

Nah...not a pussy or a chickenshit. The situation has been dealt with and the outcome has been a lot different than I expected...

 

[bambikiller]

OH well'
I must confess being polite isn't my stongest suit.