Please please. And The Beast Thanked Me

[UltimateSwitch]

I posted this story forever ago but haven't got a single comment and i have an aching in the pit of my stomach that says someone should read it...

http://www.literotica.com/s/and-the-beast-thanked-me

 

[PennLady]

I posted this story forever ago but haven't got a single comment and i have an aching in the pit of my stomach that says someone should read it...

http://www.literotica.com/s/and-the-beast-thanked-me

Well, I just read it. I saw it had over 8000 views, so I'd think a few others did too. I didn't know what to make of it. It was in BDSM, but the guy apparently was a vampire, so I wondered why it wasn't in nonhuman. And although it's not my scene, I really didn't see any BDSM elements, except for when he smacked her.

Grammar wise, etc., it was fine. Just to me, it didn't make much sense.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

Well, I just read it. I saw it had over 8000 views, so I'd think a few others did too. I didn't know what to make of it. It was in BDSM, but the guy apparently was a vampire, so I wondered why it wasn't in nonhuman. And although it's not my scene, I really didn't see any BDSM elements, except for when he smacked her.

Grammar wise, etc., it was fine. Just to me, it didn't make much sense.

...uhm....hes not a vampire...he's a blood fetishist. As well as a pain fetishist. The Beast she is referring to is his dark side...

 

[PennLady]

...uhm....hes not a vampire...he's a blood fetishist. As well as a pain fetishist. The Beast she is referring to is his dark side...

Oh. Well then, I have to say that I didn't get that. You start putting out terms like "beast within" and "blood," and I think most people will go to "vampire." So perhaps you need to be more specific? Honestly, neither pain nor blood fetish came to mind for me.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

Hmm I'm sorry. I really don't know how to correct it, since it comes over perfectly clear to me. But thank you for the critique.

 

[IzzyAndy]

Ok, I read this thread first and then went and read the story - I can see why it comes across vampire-ish. The crucifix being mentioned explicitly and then religion in general as something the beast was hiding behind does at first come across as vampirism - although it does also make perfect sense with the implications of the way he feels being against his religious beliefs. Also the way that the only blood he ever sheds is from the neck.

Alternate interpretations aside, I thought it was an interesting little story - are you going to expand on it at all? I wouldn't mind seeing the beast unleashed!

 

[PennLady]

Hmm I'm sorry. I really don't know how to correct it, since it comes over perfectly clear to me. But thank you for the critique.

LOL It would be clear to you -- you wrote it. There's a lot of times something's obvious to me, because I'm writing it, but a beta reader or editor will point out that X is not made clear, for example. I'll have to read it again, but I'm just not sure you dropped enough clues to make it clear, nor that putting it in "Fetish" is enough to get the idea across, either.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

LOL It would be clear to you -- you wrote it. There's a lot of times something's obvious to me, because I'm writing it, but a beta reader or editor will point out that X is not made clear, for example. I'll have to read it again, but I'm just not sure you dropped enough clues to make it clear, nor that putting it in "Fetish" is enough to get the idea across, either.

I'm sorry it's probably because it's based mainly in reality, up to the point she seduces him. I can see it perfectly in my head, but it's difficult for others to see it. the story is about a true sadist hiding behind religion and denying who he is, until someone comes along and unleashes his beast.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

Ok, I read this thread first and then went and read the story - I can see why it comes across vampire-ish. The crucifix being mentioned explicitly and then religion in general as something the beast was hiding behind does at first come across as vampirism - although it does also make perfect sense with the implications of the way he feels being against his religious beliefs. Also the way that the only blood he ever sheds is from the neck.

Alternate interpretations aside, I thought it was an interesting little story - are you going to expand on it at all? I wouldn't mind seeing the beast unleashed!

I would love to, but sadly it will kill itself if I did. A Beast can not be explained and to write a continuation of this tale would be to try to see inside his head...and that might just kill me. Plus it's based partly in reality and I don't have anymore fantasies to play off of. Oh and then the whole, no one liked it that much...

 

[PennLady]

I'm sorry it's probably because it's based mainly in reality, up to the point she seduces him. I can see it perfectly in my head, but it's difficult for others to see it. the story is about a true sadist hiding behind religion and denying who he is, until someone comes along and unleashes his beast.

I would love to, but sadly it will kill itself if I did. A Beast can not be explained and to write a continuation of this tale would be to try to see inside his head...and that might just kill me. Plus it's based partly in reality and I don't have anymore fantasies to play off of. Oh and then the whole, no one liked it that much...

Okay. After reading this, I... hmmm... Okay, no offense, but this seems like a cop out. If it's clear in your head, and you want others to see it, then you need to work at expressing it to others. Because essentially, it seems like you're blaming the reader for not getting it; if it's difficult for others to see, then you need to work at making them see it. If the story is about a true sadist hiding behind religion, then let us know that. You can show it, you can tell it, but get it across.

A Beast may not be explained, but it could be described. It's fine if this is your fantasy, and if it is a fantasy, you can play with it. You might find other ways to get the feelings down that don't "kill you."

You can't expect, I don't think, to write a story about a guy who has issues with crucifixes, who "drinks" blood, and things like that, and *not* expect that at least a few people will read "vampire" into it. And there are plenty of stories of self-loathing vampires out there, or vampires who attempt to blend in, or what have you.

Mechanically, the story was fine. So you can write pretty well, in that sense. And I have often said that it's interesting how a writer loses control of how a story is perceived once they've made it available to readers. So if you want people to get a certain thing out of your story -- like a guy who's a pain and blood fetishist, which I think may be different from being a sadist -- then you need to put it in there and make it clear.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

Where in the story does he say he hates crucifixes...Ok but yeah I understand what you mean. And i am sorry t wasn't clear enough for you. But it was just talking about reality, her watching him feeling sick to her stomach at what she perceives as a grave injustice. The beast inside him being strangled by a bolo tie and a crucifix. Shes talking about how he is hiding himself behind mundane trappings. And he is a sadist, he is a blood fetishist, but as in he likes drawing and drinking, and a pain fetishist, as in he likes inflicting, which both qualify as sadistic fetishes.

 

[PennLady]

Okay, I went back to read the story again. I think that's only fair, and I know that sometimes, especially with two kids at home, I read fast and sometimes end up skipping things that make a difference.

This time, I grant you, I caught the references to fetishes and sadism, but still, I have to say that had I read this -- just found it on my own -- I most likely would still have thought "vampire."

There are many references to "the beast," and in such a way as to make a person (some people?) think on a more fantasy level. There is the remark about the beast being held back by the crucifix.

When I look into his eyes I can see that beast looking back and it wants out, but it is being strangled by the bolo tie and the crucifix that hang around his neck.

Very vampiric, right there. And yes, he's out in the sunlight, but I've read any number of stories where vampires can be in the sunlight (and written it, too).

And perhaps this section sealed it for me, particularly the last line:

His teeth bite down harder and I can feel the hot red blood flowing down my neck as he thrusts in deep and releases. His whole body goes limp above me, his tongue lapping at the ragged bite on my neck. The beast is unleashed.

He leans up and looks me in the eye. There is hatred there, boiling and pure, and he smacks me across the face.

"You stupid bitch! Don't ever do that again. I hide to protect others and myself, I could have killed you."

Now, it may be that other phrases would have changed my impression. Something like (thinking on the fly here) "I don't indulge that part of me..." or "I can't let others know about that side of me..."

Obviously, you're going to have some vampire imagery, given the guy has a blood fetish. I'd say it's a fine line there, and for me, you came down to the vampire side.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

Okay, I went back to read the story again. I think that's only fair, and I know that sometimes, especially with two kids at home, I read fast and sometimes end up skipping things that make a difference.

This time, I grant you, I caught the references to fetishes and sadism, but still, I have to say that had I read this -- just found it on my own -- I most likely would still have thought "vampire."

There are many references to "the beast," and in such a way as to make a person (some people?) think on a more fantasy level. There is the remark about the beast being held back by the crucifix.



Very vampiric, right there. And yes, he's out in the sunlight, but I've read any number of stories where vampires can be in the sunlight (and written it, too).

And perhaps this section sealed it for me, particularly the last line:



Now, it may be that other phrases would have changed my impression. Something like (thinking on the fly here) "I don't indulge that part of me..." or "I can't let others know about that side of me..."

Obviously, you're going to have some vampire imagery, given the guy has a blood fetish. I'd say it's a fine line there, and for me, you came down to the vampire side.

Well I suppose i can understand that, but I did think the line where she says that he told her he was a vampire and because she was young he was, and when she got older she learned the words, and the truth that he was a predator...yeah. That was how I explained it, but I do see what you mean

 

[PennLady]

Well I suppose i can understand that, but I did think the line where she says that he told her he was a vampire and because she was young he was, and when she got older she learned the words, and the truth that he was a predator...yeah. That was how I explained it, but I do see what you mean

Good point about him telling her as a child he was a vampire, and it was a nice line, really. Kids will believe a lot of things from adults, even if they know it's not true, if you see what I mean. However, I think that line can be taken (and I guess I took it) as him telling the truth to a child who was gullible, or gullible enough to wonder, and who would believe her?

So he could still have those fetishes and be a vampire. Hmmm. You know, it's likely I took it the other way, in a sense: that he claimed those fetishes (not to say they weren't true) as a way to hide his vampire self, his beast.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

Good point about him telling her as a child he was a vampire, and it was a nice line, really. Kids will believe a lot of things from adults, even if they know it's not true, if you see what I mean. However, I think that line can be taken (and I guess I took it) as him telling the truth to a child who was gullible, or gullible enough to wonder, and who would believe her?

So he could still have those fetishes and be a vampire. Hmmm. You know, it's likely I took it the other way, in a sense: that he claimed those fetishes (not to say they weren't true) as a way to hide his vampire self, his beast.

That is actually true, the telling her he was a vampire part. This is a true story that diverges into fantasy, and I remember him telling me tha and to me it was true but when I grew up I realized what it actually meant when he made me read Piercing the Darkness Underground with Vampires in America today. it influenced my kinks more then anything else

 

[PennLady]

That is actually true, the telling her he was a vampire part. This is a true story that diverges into fantasy, and I remember him telling me tha and to me it was true but when I grew up I realized what it actually meant when he made me read Piercing the Darkness Underground with Vampires in America today. it influenced my kinks more then anything else

You know, I'm starting to wonder about people writing a real experience and then "fictionalizing" it. Or perhaps on Lit, sexing it up. I recently beta read a book where someone was recounting their courtship/relationship with their husband and although it was all right, I found it dull.

Your story wasn't dull, don't get me wrong. but sometimes I wonder how hard it is to do something like that. And I don't -- I don't like to get autobiographical. I put in bits here and there, everyone does, but I've never written a story about something that happened to me. Hmmmm.

Sorry, starting to ramble. It's been a day.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

You know, I'm starting to wonder about people writing a real experience and then "fictionalizing" it. Or perhaps on Lit, sexing it up. I recently beta read a book where someone was recounting their courtship/relationship with their husband and although it was all right, I found it dull.

Your story wasn't dull, don't get me wrong. but sometimes I wonder how hard it is to do something like that. And I don't -- I don't like to get autobiographical. I put in bits here and there, everyone does, but I've never written a story about something that happened to me. Hmmmm.

Sorry, starting to ramble. It's been a day.

Well i couldn't act on the fantasy so I wrote what I would have liked to have done. (wouldn't have worked very well, despite his fetishes he also prefers men, but I didn't know that at the time)

 

[Stella_Omega]

You have to decide who you're writing for. if it's only for yourself, then you can sketch things out in little strings of codewords that you 'get.'

If it's for a readership, then you have a duty to the readers. It's not their job to decode your strings.

I read it-- and I found it very hard to stay within the story, because I recognised, so very clearly, the sketch/code mode you wrote it in-- and it isn't my code, yanno? the 'get' just isn't as pleasurable for me as it is for you.

I love sparse storytelling, don't get me wrong. But there's sparse and then there's a void... You can add a lot of detail still, before you lose the sparse quality.

 

[PennLady]

It's probably obvious, but I agree with Stella. If you want to have a lot of code in your story, then you need to make that code clear to your readers, presuming you want them to understand the code. If you don't, and are just writing for yourself, that's fine, but then you can't be upset (not that you were) if the reader doesn't 'get it'.

 

[UltimateSwitch]

I'll try to work on it. I will admit this is one story I wrote more for myself then others, but as a writer I still want others to get it. I want them to feel the same things I do when I read it and have it evoke the emotions I want. Obviously it doesn't so I'll need to work.