I need some advice

[HornyTeenBoy]

So I'm having a bit of a crisis and I don't know what to do. I hope this doesn't come across as too rambly or too silly. Hopefully someone can give me some insight, or at least help me clear my head...

First, some background. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a little under 2.5 years now. He comes from a really strict/traditional middle eastern background so he's been extremely reluctant to tell... well, anybody, for fear of it getting back to them (he relies on them financially). As a result we've been hiding it for the entire time we've been going out. It's a bit difficult for me, admittedly, but I've never really complained too much, besides the occasional prodding to try and get us to come out to some people. Anyway, that's not really where the issue lies.

The problem is actually with our sex life. We used to have sex quite a lot, and then when we moved in together (about 1.5 years ago) it started to drop off. That didn't worry me too much either; it's not like we stopped altogether or anything. We did have a fight once because we weren't having sex often enough for his liking, but we got over that. For a little while. Now the problem is that the roles are completely reversed.

About a year ago, it started drying up entirely. We were having sex once every couple of weeks, then once a month, then once every couple of months... too little for my liking, this time. Whenever we talked about it, he claimed that it was because he was stressed out by various things. At the time he was getting ready to apply to med school. So I thought, fine, that's perfectly reasonable; it would pass in time. The trouble was, it only got worse. Much worse. We're currently going on eight months with no sex whatsoever. His reason has stayed the same, but I'm not sure I quite buy it after so long. He has since finished whatever applications he had ongoing and been accepted to med school, so that stress, at least, is gone; and anyway, shouldn't sex be a way to relieve stress? Stress dampening his libido is one thing, but... for eight months? Can anyone shed any light on that?

I've been bringing it up a lot lately because, well, I want sex. Otherwise our relationship is fine, it's just that is sorely lacking. Over the past eight months I've felt like we're just good friends, not boyfriends. And then a couple of times recently, he's floated the idea of open relationships... I'm not normally the type who would consider such a thing. I don't have anything against people who opt for them, I just never thought they were for me (it would feel like cheating, and I don't know how I'd handle him having sex with other guys). I do love him and I feel awful for even considering the possibility... or heaven forbid, for being excited by it. I think I might even want to try it... but I'm racked with guilt just at the thought. When he mentioned it, I'm not even sure he really meant it; it seemed like it might have been said partly out of frustration at my asking.

I admit, I've been checking things out on Grindr lately. I feel awful for thinking of pursuing this, but should I? How do I broach the subject? This is all very new for me, as you can probably tell....

Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I know it's a bit heavier than this forum's usual fare. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[silver_eyes]

In a hetro relationship this would be called a "sexless relationship". Any relationship that goes more than 1 month (on average) without sex is basically dead. Yours is dead, buried, and long since in the ground.
Eight months?
Your patience is legend.

 

[PressNightly]

Normally I would be the last person to tote out the tired old line of "If he aint gettin' it at home, it's cause he's gettin' it elsewhere" but I think that might fit here.

There are a lot of things that can contribute to a loss of libido, from stress, to familial/religious guilt, to various medical or psychological reasons, so normally I wouldn't jump right to the 'dead relationship' conclusion, but in this case the above poster is probably right. The red flag is that he's not interested in having sex with you but is with other people.

Judging by your screen name and the fact that he's applying to med school I'm assuming you're both fairly young, and it's possible that he's rethinking choices that he's made in the past, or possibly discovering that he's not as homosexual as he might have once thought. Or he may just be ready to move on to a new stage in his life and he feels his relationship with you is part of his past. Who knows. People change fast and frequently when young.

The point is, that he is the only person that can answer those questions. I know it probably seems scary, especially if you really care for him, but 8 months is a really long time for a commited couple to go without 'coupling', and he is obviously trying to tell you that he's interested in other people. Make sure your ducks are in a row (living situation, finances, etc.) and then sit down with him and put him on the spot. "It's been almost a year, I know there's something going on that you're not telling me. You need to be honest with me, and start making me feel like I'm important to you or the relationship is over."

It may seem like you're forcing him to choose, but really if the relationship is already over there's no sense in prolonging a bad thing, and if not, if he really cares for you then he'll be more than willing to fight to keep you in his life.


I'm far from a relationship expert, but that's what I'd do if I were you.


Edit: Oh yeah, open relationships can be a very healthy and rewarding thing if both parties truly want an open relationship. And they HAVE to be approached from a position of absolute mutual trust or they WILL handgrenade your relationship. If you guys are already having problems then the very last thing you should be thinking about is opening your bed to a third (or fourth, or fifth, or whatever ) party.

 

[Etoile]

I disagree strongly that one month without sex means a relationship is dead. But 8 months out of only 2.5 years? That's definitely a major issue.

Is this somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with? If so, open the relationship, get on Manhunt or Grindr, and have some NSA sex. If not, DTMFA and move on.

 

[Chrissi]

I agree with Etoile. It is time to discuss opening the relationship, and if he doesn't then time to move on, as painful as that may seem. It will not get better. Some guys can handle opening their beds to others, some can't so that is something only you can answer. We are all human afterall, and sex is a part of our human-ness...I would even say and essential part of it.

I however, think your bigger issue is him not wanting to come out. The sexless part may or may not relate to that, but hiding your relationship from family and friends AND not wanting to change that situation is just going to end in disaster. You need to reflect on that and sadly make an ultimatum.

PM me if you would like some other online suggestions too for meeting men.

topher

 

[silver_eyes]

Whoops, mistyped. Didn't mean to say relationships are dead if your not having sex once a month, but that your sex life is pretty much dead. If not dead than comatose. The standard definition of a sexless relationship by APA is one in which you have sex less then 10 times a year. Though I don't subscribe to this wholeheartedly, after 8 months I would have to say it's dead and buried.
Young man, to be honest, from what you've said, I think it's time to move on.
Good luck.

Oh, and Etoile, like the new icon. Congrats!

 

[cyberking001]

my opinion

horny teen, you don't give your age, but you have been with this guy for 2 1/2 years, which prob means that you were both very young when you met.

i think that there are a few issues here.

1) as you have both matured, he has discovered other interests, both socially and sexually and thus he has grown apart from you.

2) he may not have love feelings for you and rather than have meaningless sex, he prefers simply to be friends.

3) his life is becoming busy with school and his career and he isn't all that into sex any more.

4) his family has found out about him and they have threatened to disown him if he continues to have gay sex.

what you need to do is to go out to a neutral setting with him, such as a fast food place or a coffee shop, so that you will have to talk quietly and not get into a shouting match. you need to talk with him about both of your feelings for each other, what both of you want in a relationship, what you both feel are in your futures socially, career-wise and financially, and what both of you want sexually from any partner (not just each other).

in the end, it sounds like two teenagers who fell into lust, then realized that outside of the sex there are two people who need to get along with each other and support each other and care for each other.

have a heart-to-heart talk with him and let us know of your progress.

if the relationship does end, be thankful for the friendship and the sexual experiences, keep up the friendship if possible, and find a guy who will fill your heart with happiness.

keep us posted how you are doing.
we care.
sam

 

[HornyTeenBoy]

Thanks for all your input, everyone. It really has helped clear my head a bit. Some info that I didn't think to give when writing the post and that people have asked:

1) My user name is, uh, let's just say no longer accurate. ;P I've been a long-time fan of the site, and even contributed stories a number of years back, but I haven't been a teen for the better part of a decade now.

2) The strange thing is that we have had talks about this in which we've both made it clear that we should both be perfectly honest, and in none of that has he ever really indicated that he wanted to end things or dial them back. (I don't know if I was clear about it, but the open relationship thing was something he asked if I wanted, not something he was suggesting per se.) He said he just doesn't understand why it was, but I haven't exactly been content to just accept that, so let's say it's an ongoing discussion.

3) The one silver lining, and I don't know if I made this clear in the original post either, is that we get along great together. He really is my best friend. The question is whether we're still anything more than that. I feel like I, at least, am in a place where this can end amicably (i.e. with us still being friends) if we decide that's what we both want. After all, that's kind of all we've been for the past many moons anyway, so not a whole lot would change.

Anyway, it's still being discussed and worked out, and we'll see how it goes. I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and input.

 

[Etoile]

I believe you can put in a request with Laurel and Manu (the site admins) to change your name, if you don't want to have to explain #1 constantly.

silver_eyes, thanks!

 

[silver_eyes]

1) My user name is, uh, let's just say no longer accurate. ;P I've been a long-time fan of the site, and even contributed stories a number of years back, but I haven't been a teen for the better part of a decade now.

Right there says it all.
At 18, 19, even 20, you probably don't know what you really want. At 26, 27, 28, you should at least have a clue.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to be honest!
You, young man, don't have to sit down with a heart to heart with your boyfriend. You have to sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself!. Ask yourself if this is really what you want out of life! Your in the prime of your life! It never comes back. It fades slowly, but it fades.
Were you in love, or just in lust? I don't know. But I do know this, you can have lust without love, but you can never have love without a little bit of honest to god lust!
Good luck to you!!!

Silver Eyes