Understanding BDSM

[Hellscumet]

Hello lovely folks of literotica

I've been a long-time lurker on the story boards and now I finally registered. Which I'll use to ask a question that has been bothering me for quite a while. I am a fanfic writer in a very specific fandom that has a lot of slash and bdsm. And while I am not really into becoming either sub or dom, I do enjoy a little roleplay and frankly a lil' spanking never hurt anybody. But there is one writer in this fandom, a young woman, who has said on multiple occasions that she is the slave to a master and that her stories are pretty much what happens in their relationship.

The only thing is, her stories are really disturbing sometimes. Usually the dom starts by hitting the sub out of the blue, or cutting him with a knife and then taking him without any preparation. It's always physical domination to the point where the sub is not given anything to drink for 2 days because he asked the housekeeper for some bandages. It's all very violent and definitely bloody.

Now, I know that from the outside SM can often look abusive, but my understanding of it was always that the dom had to have some respect for the sub as well. And that certain physical boundaries should never be crossed. But she always writes it this way, and is considered quite the expert by some, because she is a sub herself.

Now, is this how SM really works? And have I just been subject to vanilla SM, with safewords etc? I really want to understand, but when I asked her how it works for the people involved, how trust is build for example, she shot me down.

*sigh* I'm afraid that I can't really express myself, the way I mean it. Enjoying pain or enjoying to control somebody - are both I can understand and do I enjoy myself. But breaking bones as part of sex is...a foreign concept to me.

 

[welkin]

I've definitely seen subs who can take an intense beating or cutting, much more pain than I can ever imagine. *shivers. However, I'd call BS on the "nothing to drink for 2 days while the sub's physical condition is already beaten" bit. It's definitely a violation of SAFE and SANE of the SSC doctrine.

Nonetheless, as long as it's stories and you haven't seen real evidence of such abuse on herself, just take that as a sensational bit she's using to promote her stories. Yes it's lame and dishonest if she's claiming these as real experiences, but oh well, you got all kinds of people on the Internet. No real harm's done and people get a kick out of her stories, so don't let that get to you.

As for "vanilla SM", like many other things, BDSM isn't a single point of being, it's a gradient. There's no one way of "how SM really works". A light spanking is how SM really works, but so is a whipping with single tail. One isn't a truer, purer form of BDSM than the other.

 

[Stella_Omega]

First of all, of course, it's the internet. It's just as likely she's playing Munchausen games. The internet is the perfect place to lead a second life!

Or, she could be embellishing the scenes that she plays with her Master. He deprives her of water for an afternoon-- she writes it as two days. It's sexier that way, to her.

Kinda rough on her readership though.

I use real life experiences as the seed of my BDSM stories, but I take them further than they went-- hell, that's why I write them. The episodes that went perfect I have no need to re-write!

Curious, what fandom?

 

[xperia2995]

There are subs who actually like to be treated the extreme way. You probably like the vanila SM, that is why you feel that this may be really extreme.

Its a real turn on for me when i get red welts and blood. I love it when my balls are crushed and enjoy the pain. She would not even get into the relationship if she is not equally turned on by this.

Yeah, maybe she blows it out of proportion to add to the effect of the story. But she must be loving the crossing of the limits. There are very very extreme stuff out there and the very gentle SM.

I am a really curious guy myself so i hope you get the answer to your question.

 

[Hellscumet]

Japanese tv dramas and their real-life actors. It's a weird kink, I am not even Asian and I hate real-people porn, but I got sucked in one day and there you go...

I am bit relieved you're saying it's probably not entirely true. Because some of the things...make me uneasy. It sounds so much like abuse, and as if her master is lieing to her.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Japanese tv dramas and their real-life actors. It's a weird kink, I am not even Asian and I hate real-people porn, but I got sucked in one day and there you go...

I gotta say that I get squicked by RPF -- even though I've written a bit of it. And I really REALLY get squicked and disgusted by BDSM sagas built on real people's names. SO inappropriate. Someone wrote a very hot slave fic that way, and I asked them why they didn't just change the names to original ones since the characters had absolutely nothing to do with the celebrities they were supposed to be based on. The author said "well, no one would read it then." they told me they had written a little program for replacing names-- they would send it to me, and I could read their fic with my own choices of names.

I am bit relieved you're saying it's probably not entirely true. Because some of the things...make me uneasy. It sounds so much like abuse, and as if her master is lieing to her.

I had a neighbor get sucked into something like that back in the early days of the internet. "she" (if it was a she at all) told him some sexy BDSM stuff... he came back to hear more... the sexy stuff got wilder... and uglier...

One day he came to me in tears, saying that "she" had just told him the most gruesome story of abuse. According to her, he couldn't help her in any way. Her father was too rich and powerful, of course. He was left feeling helpless and guilty.

But you know that if she could get to the internet to tell him-- she could get to the internet to tell the FBI.

If this sub is being lied to by her master, she can find the truth mighty easily. She's on the internet.

I doubt you want to start a flamewar, but Munchhausen syndrome is rough on the bystanders. You could send fellow fans over here, if you feel the need to...

Is this on lj?

 

[Hellscumet]

Yes, lj - home to all the glorious wank in the interwebs.

And I so agree with you on rpp in principle, and I never thought I'd like it, but there are some good fics...and it's like heroine and there is no self-help group for this sort of thing. *lowersheadinshame*

Now that I think of it...in one of her entries she mentioned that there was a real life slave market, that everybody knew about. I...have been had, haven't I?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes, lj - home to all the glorious wank in the interwebs.

And I so agree with you on rpp in principle, and I never thought I'd like it, but there are some good fics...and it's like heroine and there is no self-help group for this sort of thing. *lowersheadinshame*

Now that I think of it...in one of her entries she mentioned that there was a real life slave market, that everybody knew about. I...have been had, haven't I?

ah haha yeah. Anne Rice invented that shit, in a book called "Exit From Eden." Everyone wishes it were true, and sometimes you can find a group that gets together for a roleplay weekend...


PM me! I want to know who this is! And friend me, I'm dharma-slut.

 

[Etoile]

I can't wait to move to Japan and find out what these J-doramas are all about. I really hope I get that job!

 

[satindesire]

There are subs who actually like to be treated the extreme way. You probably like the vanila SM, that is why you feel that this may be really extreme.

Its a real turn on for me when i get red welts and blood. I love it when my balls are crushed and enjoy the pain. She would not even get into the relationship if she is not equally turned on by this.

Yeah, maybe she blows it out of proportion to add to the effect of the story. But she must be loving the crossing of the limits. There are very very extreme stuff out there and the very gentle SM.

I am a really curious guy myself so i hope you get the answer to your question.

Are you truly suggesting that people who don't like 'extreme pain' are vanilla?

 

[Etoile]

There's no such thing as vanilla SM. You can have light, mild, gentle, soft SM. But vanilla SM is an oxymoron!

 

[subwannabe]

I believe in just about anything but as far as true SM goes, I think someone wanting to do this to someone is just plain sick and needs help. Ditto the person who wants it done to them. And, I say again, I am for almost anything goes. This just seems to cross the line.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I believe in just about anything but as far as true SM goes, I think someone wanting to do this to someone is just plain sick and needs help. Ditto the person who wants it done to them. And, I say again, I am for almost anything goes. This just seems to cross the line.

All BDSM crosses the line for someone. Never forget that. And this person was writing a fantasy.

OP sent me the link to the lj in question. First of all, she's barely in command of her English. It's actually a very charming effect.

She's written two stories. In the author's notes to the second one she says that she gave a horrible and untrue version of BDSM in the first one, and that the one she's writing now is closer to the truth. Perhaps it is, but the yaoi histrionics put me way off, and I stopped reading...

 

[subwannabe]

I've never really completely understood the term BDSM. As far as I know it stands for "bondage, discipline, sadomasochism." It seems to me that almost all who live the life are actually only doing B&D and not S&M. It is the S&M which I believe crosses the line, my line anyway. I think the others should refer to their category as B&D and not BDSM.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've never really completely understood the term BDSM. As far as I know it stands for "bondage, discipline, sadomasochism." It seems to me that almost all who live the life are actually only doing B&D and not S&M. It is the S&M which I believe crosses the line, my line anyway. I think the others should refer to their category as B&D and not BDSM.

Okay, are you winding me up now?

(I've always wondered about the acronyms too, why they all ended up being lumped together)

 

[marieR19]

I've never really completely understood the term BDSM. As far as I know it stands for "bondage, discipline, sadomasochism." It seems to me that almost all who live the life are actually only doing B&D and not S&M. It is the S&M which I believe crosses the line, my line anyway. I think the others should refer to their category as B&D and not BDSM.

Do I even want to respond? Meh, what the hell.

I don't do the "B" part of BDSM, at all. The "D" is fantasized about but almost non-existant in experience. The S&M, however, is what I'm all about. I'm a tried-and-true masochist and no one will ever make me think otherwise. That's the way I play because that's who I am.

However, come on, this is Lit! I'm a lurker here for the most part nowadays, but I still can think of at least 5 people off the top of my head who do the S&M part *and* at least the B or D. In fact, I don't think I know of anyone who *only* does bondage. Maybe a few who only do B&D. But I certainly don't think it's the majority.

 

[welkin]

I've never really completely understood the term BDSM. As far as I know it stands for "bondage, discipline, sadomasochism." It seems to me that almost all who live the life are actually only doing B&D and not S&M. It is the S&M which I believe crosses the line, my line anyway. I think the others should refer to their category as B&D and not BDSM.

You are so very wrong about not many people doing S&M, so very wrong...

Many people do identify with their main focus in BDSM. Often I hear people say "I'm in a D/s relationship" as opposed to "I'm in a BDSM relationship", or "I am interested in bondage" as opposed to a blanket statement "I am interested in BDSM".

But I do also believe believe that all areas of BDSM share something in common -- perhaps it's the thrill to gain or lose control?, that allows one BDSMer to understand or sympathize another BDSMer's need, even if they do not share the exact same kink.

And by the way, you dropped D/s. BDSM is commonly defined as BD (bondage and discipline) + DS (domination and submission) + SM (sadomasochism).

 

[subwannabe]

I guess what I was really trying to say is that I find it kind of interesting that many clump their activities into the term BDSM when they're not actually practicing all parts of it. I know not everyone does this but it does seem quite common. I have also noticed that in trying to define the word sadomasochism that there seems to be very large parameters in the definition. So, in my viewpoint, some activities in those parameters would be acceptable to me while others I find quite sick. Of course, that's just the viewpoint of one individual (myself) and everyone has different values. I'm not trying to make an attempt to change the world by accurately using the technically correct abbreviations and I want to repeat that I am certainly for ALMOST anything goes as long as all parties have signed on the dotted line, so to speak.

PS: For an example, I would say that if, say a woman, likes to be hit in the face with a fist and given a black eye, and she can find a male who is willing to do this to her, I would still find that sick on both parts and against the law. To me this would be unaccecptable behaviour, no matter what both parties agreed to.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I say I'm an American, even though I don't live in all parts of the country-- not to mention the continent, since Canadians and Costa Ricans could just as well call themselves Americans too. BDSM is a small acronym that covers a lot of territory.

PS: For an example, I would say that if, say a woman, likes to be hit in the face with a fist and given a black eye, and she can find a male who is willing to do this to her, I would still find that sick on both parts and against the law. To me this would be unaccecptable behaviour, no matter what both parties agreed to.

Someone here was talking about an extreme humiliation scene. Me, I could not be part of that-- would not be able to handle it at all.

Which is why we talk about knowing your limits.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sheesh, is everyone so hung up on labels? Life is too short, enjoy what time you have doing what you enjoy, forget about dissecting it a thousand times and trying to win the acceptance of others, forget about judging and defining everyone else, and just basically get on with your own life and accepting yourself for it. It really is easy to do and a lot more fun.

Catalina

 

[twister947]

Sheesh, is everyone so hung up on labels? Life is too short, enjoy what time you have doing what you enjoy, forget about dissecting it a thousand times and trying to win the acceptance of others, forget about judging and defining everyone else, and just basically get on with your own life and accepting yourself for it. It really is easy to do and a lot more fun.

Catalina

<applause>

 

[Stella_Omega]

Must be a full moon. *shrug*