Looking for an editor for an ugly duckling of a story

[LucyH]

I have an oddball story that I don't know what to do with. Maybe it needs to be torn to shreds and salvaged for parts. Maybe I'm too hard on myself and all it needs is minor copy editing. I just don't know, but I can handle the truth, whatever it may be. Any volunteers?

Themes: Romance, a dash of supernatural, BDSM (F/m)

Things that may frighten people off: a bit of blood and questionable consent

I can't really tell from people's posts in the June editor thread who would want to edit something like this, though a couple clearly wouldn't.

First 500 words:

A circling hawk, silhouetted against the cloudless blue sky, screamed keee keee keee.

Jamie hauled luggage and a pair of mountain bikes out of the back of the van. He was content not to be part of the conversation between his girlfriend, Lene, and her father because he was too distracted, trying to pin a name on an elusive feeling that bothered him. Déjà vu, maybe? The place felt familiar when it shouldn’t, though he couldn’t say what about it triggered the feeling. He worried at it, but didn’t get anywhere.

Lene patted the leg pocket of her cargo pants “Yep, the GPS is right here. Extra batteries in my pack.”

Her father reminded her, not for the first time, “You leave a voicemail if you don’t get us when you call to check in, alright?”

“Sure. And a text message. Want e-mail? We can do that too.”

“It can’t hurt.” Lene’s dad looked past her and caught Jamie’s eye. He thought he detected a slight frown under the moustache, and perhaps a silent message: You take care of my daughter, bring her back in one piece, and don’t you dare get her knocked up.

After the amount of fussing her parents did over a week long bike trip, Jamie wondered how they were going to deal with her being gone for over two years with the Peace Corps. More selfishly, Jamie wondered how he was going to deal with her leaving. He forced his mind off the subject and back to fixing his displaced bike chain and loading up with camping gear. Instead of brooding about her imminent departure, he was determined to enjoy their week together.

Lene snapped the front wheel onto her bike and wrangled packs onto the back.

Her father looked in the back of the van, then shut the doors. “You have your repair kit, right? First aid kit?” he called.

“Dad, you helped us pack. Yes. They’re still in there,” she said with good-natured exasperation. She tucked a wisp of long blonde hair behind her ear and propped her heavily laden bicycle up against a halfway collapsed chain-link fence.

Lene got a hug from her father, and Jamie got a manly thump on the shoulder. “Okay. Be careful you two. See you in a week.”

“Thank you for the ride,” she said. Jamie echoed the sentiment.

“Oh, you’re welcome.” Her father got back into the driver’s seat and waved out the window as he pulled away. The van disappeared around a curve in the country road.

The hawk took a sharp dive and skimmed the tall grass. It rose with something small and dark in its talons. Lene came up behind Jamie and wrapped her arms around him, smelling like sunscreen as usual. She kissed the back of his neck, then gave him a gentle nip. His body flushed with heat, thinking about the things she promised to do with him later, most which were not the least bit gentle. He laid his hands over hers and squeezed.

 

[mynameisben]

The first 500 words don't seem so bad.

 

[sr71plt]

You haven't gotten to an oddball part yet, so I don't know why a VE would be put off working with you on this. It looks like a good opening.

 

[LucyH]

sr, I guess it's just that I feel like the way the whole thing is constructed may be awkward, I wonder if the supernatural element is out of place, I suspect the flashbacks may just be distracting but I am too attached to them to be objective, and I worry about horrifying people with the content. I guess most people don't find drawing blood with a dull kitchen knife particularly sexy, for instance.

Do people possibly have information about what they want to read posted somewhere besides the June thread, or what I get when I mouse over their name and click on their public profile?

 

[sr71plt]

sr, I guess it's just that I feel like the way the whole thing is constructed may be awkward, I wonder if the supernatural element is out of place, I suspect the flashbacks may just be distracting but I am too attached to them to be objective, and I worry about horrifying people with the content. I guess most people don't find drawing blood with a dull kitchen knife particularly sexy, for instance.

Do people possibly have information about what they want to read posted somewhere besides the June thread, or what I get when I mouse over their name and click on their public profile?

I think there's a huge audience here for the supernatural. I'd just plunge ahead, if I were you. I don't even see the need for an editor if the rest of the story is rendered as well as this has been. A few minor issues, but very few.

 

[PennLady]

sr, I guess it's just that I feel like the way the whole thing is constructed may be awkward, I wonder if the supernatural element is out of place, I suspect the flashbacks may just be distracting but I am too attached to them to be objective, and I worry about horrifying people with the content. I guess most people don't find drawing blood with a dull kitchen knife particularly sexy, for instance.

Do people possibly have information about what they want to read posted somewhere besides the June thread, or what I get when I mouse over their name and click on their public profile?

It's hard to say anything about the structure just based on these 500 words. Which, as others have said, is fine. I'd probably suggest some minor changes, but there's nothing very wrong. You also haven't mentioned the supernatural stuff yet, so I couldn't say if it's out of place. The same thing with the flashbacks.

I'll go out on a limb with the dull knife scene -- no, "drawing blood with a dull kitchen knife" doesn't sound sexy. However, in context, who knows?

There's no place that I know of where people list the types of stories they like to read except for the editing page, or if they put it in their profile page. However, SR is right -- nonhuman and supernatural do have big audiences, so I'm sure some of that audience will enjoy your story.

 

[ireadit]

There are a couple of places in the first 500 words where I would suggest a change, but nothing major. You're just setting the scene, and have not really written any kind of action or event other than the hawk finding his prey. It's hard to tell what supernatural events your plan, what sort of BSDM you plan, etc.

I agree with SR and PennLady that there are big audiences for supernatural, BSDM, and romance. You just need to go ahead and write the story. Then check to see who is available to edit during the month and contact one of those persons.