What irks you in a story? - a list for writers on Lit.

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

God made dialogue to mix viewpoints.

 

[sr71plt]

Yeah I can see where this could drive someone nuts over a period of time. Even as I was reading it I could almost feel myself wanting to read it in another "person" But to me this line:

which you perceive I am fondling suggestively--sends a chill of pleasurable anticipation up your spine

Is where the difference really is.

The "difference" was actually established in the first two words: "You smell." It starts in the perception, sensing of the "you." And you've got to start it this soon in second person to have a chance of establishing and maintaining second person.

MissTCShore's example fought for this control, starting off with "you see," but it started to lose the second-person battle with the third word, "me." The reader naturally wants to read a story with first-person perspective. You can't give them that chance with second person before firmly establishing control.

 

[lovecraft68]

God made dialogue to mix viewpoints.

I thought God made dialogue so the naive could praise him incessantly.

 

[lovecraft68]

The "difference" was actually established in the first two words: "You smell." It starts in the perception, sensing of the "you." And you've got to start it this soon in second person to have a chance of establishing and maintaining second person.

MissTCShore's example fought for this control, starting off with "you see," but it started to lose the second-person battle with the third word, "me." The reader naturally wants to read a story with first-person perspective. You can't give them that chance with second person before firmly establishing control.

Thanks for the lesson. I can now safely file away any desire to ever try this and I have to say a story would have to have one hell of a premise or be written by a friend to get me to read it in this perspective.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I thought God made dialogue so the naive could praise him incessantly.

You presume youre smart enough to recognize God.

 

[lovecraft68]

You presume youre smart enough to recognize God.

Exodus 33:20

And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.

No one can recognize God there JBJ. He could be right here on Lit and we would never know it.

Course that was me taking you literally. Figuratively God has not been recognizable to any but the pathetic souls who desperately hope there is a better life than this and he is the way.

The same lemmings that give God all the glory for the good but when the bad happens he is never to blame it must be a test of faith. Why the hell should we be tested at all? Please.

Want my personal example? The thing that kills me to no end? I'll give it to you.

I have two daughters who are normal (as normal as they can be being mine) and healthy. When they were both born some crackpot inevitably said "God blessed you with healthy children"

Really? I have never believed in God and my ex-wife had minimal belief. No we were not blessed apparently myself and my botch of an ex had good genetics and passed them along.

My wife goes to church and is a good devout Italian girl a couple that she has known for years who attend church regularly and are very active in the Ministry-she teaches Sunday school he is an elder of the church. After years of trying she became pregnant. There were issues the baby was born severally retarded.

If God blessed me does that mean he cursed them? Well of course not! No this must be a test of faith! Did that sinless baby deserve to be tested by going through life fucked up?

In general give me a fucking break. If he's up there which I doubt (To me the Bible is mythology just like all the Greek and Roman stories) Fuck him he fucks the world daily.

 

[lovecraft68]

Exodus 33:20

And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.

No one can recognize God there JBJ. He could be right here on Lit and we would never know it.

Course that was me taking you literally. Figuratively God has not been recognizable to any but the pathetic souls who desperately hope there is a better life than this and he is the way.

The same lemmings that give God all the glory for the good but when the bad happens he is never to blame it must be a test of faith. Why the hell should we be tested at all? Please.

Want my personal example? The thing that kills me to no end? I'll give it to you.

I have two daughters who are normal (as normal as they can be being mine) and healthy. When they were both born some crackpot inevitably said "God blessed you with healthy children"

Really? I have never believed in God and my ex-wife had minimal belief. No we were not blessed apparently myself and my botch of an ex had good genetics and passed them along.

My wife goes to church and is a good devout Italian girl a couple that she has known for years who attend church regularly and are very active in the Ministry-she teaches Sunday school he is an elder of the church. After years of trying she became pregnant. There were issues the baby was born severally retarded.

If God blessed me does that mean he cursed them? Well of course not! No this must be a test of faith! Did that sinless baby deserve to be tested by going through life fucked up?

In general give me a fucking break. If he's up there which I doubt (To me the Bible is mythology just like all the Greek and Roman stories) Fuck him he fucks the world daily.

P.S. As always in these posts the opinions expressed here are those of Lovecraft68 and his alone. If you're Christian good for you but I will never understand blind faith.

 

[MissTCShore]

2nd person is all 'you'. Like in the Choose you own adventure type gamebooks.

"You walk down a corridor which ends at a junction. Do you go left (page x) or right (page y)?"

"You go left. About halfway down you fall into a pit trap full of spikes and die. Go to 14."

That's about the only place it should be used IMHO.

The you, me thing is 1st PoV, but bringing the reader into and giving them a part in the tale. Mostly I find those stories a little creepy. I can see it working in the Erotic Mind Control niche, but it's not really inclusive of a large audience.

Yes, this is exactly what I meant. I realize that strictly speaking, these stories are written in the 1st person, but they try to control my actions and responses. In some cases this may work, for example, if an author describes a sensation or perception that everyone in the story would also sense: "You walk out and smell the scent of fresh rain in the air..." Anyone would experience that smell, so this wouldn't bother me in a story.

But when the author takes control of me (as mentioned before), then I find the story unreadable. The author can't know what I'm likely to think or how I'm likely to respond in a certain situation.

 

[Loverskitten]

A bump to this thread because the last three stories I've read in Lit have done my pet peeve.

I enjoy reading both third person narratives and first person. This has to do with the latter.

If one is writing erotica in first person, keep it to "you"
I'm a visual person, I always visualize characters. So when an author writes in first person I visualize me as the "you". But the last three stories have thrown names in there part way through the story.

Ex.
I grabbed your hand and pulled you off the crowded dancefloor. You stumbled in your heels and landed in my arms. Squeezing you close I whispered, "I need you Jenny"

Who is this "Jenny" I tend to react. If you're writing for Jenny, fine. If you're writing for a whole audience, keep it at "you" and stick to a role playing style.

Maybe it's just me but it turns me off something awful.


I probably souldn't even be in the AH. I must admit that I haven't put anything I've written out there and do appreciate all those who have I lack confidence in my writing skills but I'd like to try this year (it's a resolution for me)

 

[sr71plt]

Huh? In that passage Jenny isn't the first-person narrator. It's someone else.

 

[Loverskitten]

Huh? In that passage Jenny isn't the first-person narrator. It's someone else.

I am speaking as a reader of these stories. So when I read first person narratives, the writer is the "I" and the reader is the "you"
Maybe it IS just me? Maybe I am too visual a reader?

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

A bump to this thread because the last three stories I've read in Lit have done my pet peeve.

I enjoy reading both third person narratives and first person. This has to do with the latter.

If one is writing erotica in first person, keep it to "you"
I'm a visual person, I always visualize characters. So when an author writes in first person I visualize me as the "you". But the last three stories have thrown names in there part way through the story.

Ex.
I grabbed your hand and pulled you off the crowded dancefloor. You stumbled in your heels and landed in my arms. Squeezing you close I whispered, "I need you Jenny"

Who is this "Jenny" I tend to react. If you're writing for Jenny, fine. If you're writing for a whole audience, keep it at "you" and stick to a role playing style.

Maybe it's just me but it turns me off something awful.


I probably souldn't even be in the AH. I must admit that I haven't put anything I've written out there and do appreciate all those who have I lack confidence in my writing skills but I'd like to try this year (it's a resolution for me)

Oh, don't read "Caught" when it comes out. It's "I" and "Sara" and "Scott". No "You" at all. Sara and Scott though, they are all over the place - granted Sara is all over "I" and "I" is all over Sara.

 

[sr71plt]

I am speaking as a reader of these stories. So when I read first person narratives, the writer is the "I" and the reader is the "you"
Maybe it IS just me? Maybe I am too visual a reader?

I think perhaps that what you really are finding irksome is that the writer is attempting to write in second person but, as in this example, is still in first person--and just being awkward with the use of "you".

As I noted, in the example you give, Jenny is clearly the "you," not the "I". (In this particular example there also are a few irksome punctuation problems."

 

[Loverskitten]

Oh, don't read "Caught" when it comes out. It's "I" and "Sara" and "Scott". No "You" at all. Sara and Scott though, they are all over the place - granted Sara is all over "I" and "I" is all over Sara.

That's fine!
It's when a writer switches from "you" to a name that drives me bonkers.
I should link to a story as an example but I don't want to single anyone out.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

That's fine!
It's when a writer switches from "you" to a name that drives me bonkers.
I should link to a story as an example but I don't want to single anyone out.

I don't know if I've done that or not. I'd have to read back through my stuff. No need to link it. I understand what you are saying. A warning that the story was for "Jenny" would have prepared you for the "Jenny" moment.

 

[JammyJimmy]

What irks me in a story?

1) Hymens that snap like a crack of thunder
2) The complete absence of rationale or explanation for someone forgetting their morals, tastes and reason and suddenly wanting to fuck their family member(s).
3) Women who are only there to carry their sexual organs around for the guys to fuck and don't actually resemble people with human personailities.
4) 32GG-24-34. Aged 18. Long, blonde hair. Long legs. 5ft tall.

 

[PennLady]

What irks me in a story?

1) Hymens that snap like a crack of thunder
2) The complete absence of rationale or explanation for someone forgetting their morals, tastes and reason and suddenly wanting to fuck their family member(s).
3) Women who are only there to carry their sexual organs around for the guys to fuck and don't actually resemble people with human personailities.
4) 32GG-24-34. Aged 18. Long, blonde hair. Long legs. 5ft tall.

LOL I'd have to agree with a lot of that. I'm sure I posted some of my peeves earlier so I won't rehash (much) now. But I'll add:

-- shy women with little experience knowing just what to do when having sex with a guy
-- said women also knowing how to flirt or otherwise pique a guy's interest, after a history of no/little/unsuccessful dating and no flirting before
-- 18yo protags of either sex who know all the tricks

 

[Sunndance07]

What irks me in a story?

1) Hymens that snap like a crack of thunder
2) The complete absence of rationale or explanation for someone forgetting their morals, tastes and reason and suddenly wanting to fuck their family member(s).
3) Women who are only there to carry their sexual organs around for the guys to fuck and don't actually resemble people with human personailities.
4) 32GG-24-34. Aged 18. Long, blonde hair. Long legs. 5ft tall.

#5) Dicks that are over 6"

 

[lovecraft68]

LOL I'd have to agree with a lot of that. I'm sure I posted some of my peeves earlier so I won't rehash (much) now. But I'll add:

-- shy women with little experience knowing just what to do when having sex with a guy
-- said women also knowing how to flirt or otherwise pique a guy's interest, after a history of no/little/unsuccessful dating and no flirting before
-- 18yo protags of either sex who know all the tricks

I want to add one to your list

The 18 year old male who can receive an epic cock sucking and go around the world for an hour without cumming. Yeah okay, at 18 a stiff breeze can cause it to rise, but a second stiff breeze can cause it to go off.

I address this personal peeve in a couple of my stories where I have the older woman blow the 18 year old and get him off quickly with the comment "this way you'll last when you fuck me"

 

[TheeGoatPig]

#5) Dicks that are over 6"

But I AM over 6"...

 

[sr71plt]

What irks me in a story?

1) Hymens that snap like a crack of thunder
2) The complete absence of rationale or explanation for someone forgetting their morals, tastes and reason and suddenly wanting to fuck their family member(s).
3) Women who are only there to carry their sexual organs around for the guys to fuck and don't actually resemble people with human personailities.
4) 32GG-24-34. Aged 18. Long, blonde hair. Long legs. 5ft tall.

Yep, classic irks those are.

 

[JammyJimmy]

lol... nice additions!

I remembered another couple, in a similar vein to the 6" dicks comment.

"I grab my 10 inch cock"
"She deep-throats my 10 inch cock"
How come nearly all the women in Lit stories can deepthroat a whole fucking jumbo-salami? Oh, that's right.... fiction by virgins

And this one...
"I bend her over and ram it to the hilt in her tight virgin asshole"
Now, this could be co-incidence, but all the writers seem to miss out the paragraphs where she screams the fucking house down, batters the crap out the guy and sobs in agony. Or maybe I just haven't read those ones

 

[sr71plt]

Well, as with another thread, erotica isn't a clinical study. It's a fantasy.

 

[HeyAll]

There are many, but off the top of my head, it's when you've got a good story going and when they have sex, all of a sudden it's "aarrgghhhh" and so forth.

Once person even made a funny comment recently saying, "Is this a pirate story?"

 

[lovecraft68]

lol... nice additions!

I remembered another couple, in a similar vein to the 6" dicks comment.

"I grab my 10 inch cock"
"She deep-throats my 10 inch cock"
How come nearly all the women in Lit stories can deepthroat a whole fucking jumbo-salami? Oh, that's right.... fiction by virgins

And this one...
"I bend her over and ram it to the hilt in her tight virgin asshole"
Now, this could be co-incidence, but all the writers seem to miss out the paragraphs where she screams the fucking house down, batters the crap out the guy and sobs in agony. Or maybe I just haven't read those ones

I avoid the inch thing entirely. I use words like "sizable" the woman can decide what she considers sizable to some it could be 7-8 to size queens 9+

I do the same with breast. Large or full never a cup.

Yes, the virgin ass getting pounded like Jenna Jameson and it doesn't hurt is ridiculous. Although I am sure in non con stories it hurts plenty, after all that is the draw there. But in regular erotica you are correct, it goes in easily and painlessly.