SydneyBlake
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2011
- Posts
- 854
I had a comment on my most recent submission that said, "You need to learn how to write woman/woman scenes better...Too many ambiguous 'she's and 'her's in this."
When I wrote the scene, I did try to be sensitive to the potential confusion without sacrificing deep POV (Renata's). I guess this particular reader thinks I failed.
So I'm seeking feedback on this particular issue. Here is a link to the chapter in its entirety:
http://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-save-a-life-ch-06
And here is the specific scene in question (between Renata and Lu), which is on page 3 of that chapter:
"Okay, sweetie. Good night."
"Good night." Renata turned to her side, to face the window, away from Lu. Things will get better. Terry said it. Lu said it. They'd both lost someone dear to them, so they knew what they were talking about, right? In her mind, she knew they were right. If only her heart would follow. Tears began to sting her eyes again.
She tried to be quiet. People were uncomfortable around her when she cried. She didn't want to make Lu uncomfortable.
But she wasn't as quiet as she'd hoped. She felt the mattress shift, the covers move, and then the heat of Lu's body against her back. "It's okay to cry, Ren," she whispered, and she felt her hand stroking her arm.
"I'm sorry. I think people get tired of seeing me cry."
"It's a normal response. I cried for months after my first baby died, and we knew he was going to die before he was even born."
"Sometimes, I don't even know why I cry. Like today, when I first saw you. I was happy to see you. I wasn't thinking any sad thoughts at all. But then you hugged me, and for some reason, a floodgate opened."
"I may know why you cried then. I went through something like that, too, when Michael and I split up. You have a need now that isn't being met. I've heard it called a 'skin hunger.' I think that's the perfect name for it, too."
"I thought it was just loneliness."
"It's a little bit of that, too." She moved her hand to her hair, touching, pushing hair behind her ear, playing with it. "You know how the hospital has volunteers in the NICU who come in just to hold the babies? It helps the babies to thrive. If babies aren't held, they'll die, even if they're cared for in every other way. We don't lose that need when we grow up. Humans need to be touched. We might not die without it, like a baby would, but we fail to thrive. We get depressed. We hunger. It's natural."
Renata lay still, just feeling Lu's fingers in her hair. She imagined she was baby Jack, and Lu was her mother. Lu was probably a great mother. She felt her inch closer to her, and she could feel her body pressing against her back now. "This is nice," she said.
"I like it, too. I've been missing Gil, so I guess I'm a little hungry, too."
"Don't stop."
She felt her press her lips against her hair, her hand stroking her arm, her back, her shoulder. Her breasts pressed against her back. Her pelvis against her backside, her leg sliding against hers.
Renata's heart started to beat a little faster. Lu felt good. Too good. Did she even know what she was doing to her? Renata had once teased her, a long time ago, a lifetime ago, about joining her and Derek, but Lu was still working through her issues. She wasn't ready for something like that.
But Lu had definitely changed since then. She was calm now. Peaceful. Renata could feel her warmth and peace spreading over her with every touch, and she loved it. It was nice. So damn nice. Where the hell was it going? Did she really need to know? Or could she just go with it?
Renata turned to face her, and in the dim light, she could see Lu watching her. She was smiling. Her arm was lifted, waiting for Renata to settle down again. She slid in under it, inviting Lu to embrace her, and she slid her arm around her, her leg over hers.
But she didn't want to assume anything. It was an odd dance, trying to decide which way to turn, whether to dip or to turn, but Lu was patient. "You feel really good," she offered.
"So do you," Lu whispered as she stroked her cheek with her finger.
"Are you sure Gil would be okay with this?"
"He'll understand. I'll make him understand."
Oh, God. Her heart was racing like crazy now. Make him understand what? That in a moment of tenderness, of simple loving consolation, that they wound up naked in bed together? Because that was what she wanted. Her skin hunger, as Lu had so aptly labeled it, was screaming for it.
Slowly, she leaned in close, ready for Lu to withdraw, but she didn't. She pressed her lips against hers tentatively. Lu's lips were soft and receptive. She opened her mouth slightly, licked her lower lip, then gently sucked it into her mouth. She tightened her arm around her, wrapped her leg around her. She felt Lu's hand slide under her shirt, clutching at her bare back, and then inside her panties, caressing her skin, and then pulling her against her. They'd become a desperate tangle of skin and bone and flesh, kissing, clutching, flexing.
They slid each other's shirts off, peeled off their panties. Renata smiled at the site of Lu's full breasts, shaped like perfect teardrops, topped with beautiful, pointed brown nipples. "You have pretty tits," she said.
Lu snickered, embarrassed. "You do, too." She hesitantly placed her hand over Renata's small breast, grazed her thumb across her soft, pink nipple, and smiled when it shrank into a little nub. Then she leaned in and kissed her again, and Renata pulled her against her, loving the feel of her bare skin against her, her breasts against her.
She took a breast into her hand and kneaded it. She imagined Lu nursing her baby with that tit. She knew she did, but not anymore, she'd stopped months ago, and her breast was dry now. She leaned down and gently took her nipple into her mouth. She wanted to be gentle, she didn't know whether breastfeeding had made her more sensitive or not. When she felt Lu's hand against the back of her head, urging her, and thrusting her tits at her, she sucked harder, teasing her hard nub with the tip of her tongue, putting her lips around it, soft, wet.
She lifted her leg up, wedged it between Lu's, and felt her damp cunt against her thigh. She slipped her hand down her back, her finger along the cleft of her ass cheeks, clutching her flesh, pulling her against her.
She felt Lu's hand on her back, pulling at her, too. They clung to each other.
"I have no idea what I'm doing," Lu finally whispered.
"Do you want to stop?" Renata asked.
"No. Do you?"
"No."
"What should I do?"
"Just do what feels good. Just like with Gil. Like this," she said, and she nudged Lu to her back, slid on top of her, and wedged her hips between Lu's legs. She flexed against her, and she could feel her wet cunt against her belly.
She was so wonderful, so trusting, so open.
She slid down her body, kissing and caressing as she went. She found the surgical scar from when she had baby Jack. It was ugly, but beautiful at the same time. Beautiful because it was part of Lu. Renata kissed it. Did Gil kiss it? Probably. He was the reason it was there. He probably kissed it all the time. How could he not?
Then she caressed the small patch of light brown curls covering her mound. Lu was a landing strip girl. It was fun to imagine what secrets other women held under their panties. She'd imagined Lu to be a full bush, but no, she was a well-manicured little landing strip.
For Derek, Renata had maintained a clean palette, but that was not the case now. She hoped Lu didn't mind.
Lu's skin was pale, with golden undertones. She probably tanned easily, the bitch. She was so pretty. Pretty tits. Pretty pussy. She lowered her face between Lu's legs and took in her alluring aroma of soap and sweet, musky sex. Delicately, she kissed her large outer labia with soft, wet lips. She gently sucked her flesh, teasing her. Lu gasped and flexed her hips. She licked her inner labia, the flesh smoother there, more tender. She sucked it between her lips, and Lu moaned as she sucked her, and she tasted her salty sweet cum.
Lu was simply delicious. If Gil was half the man she thought he was, he probably spent every night eating her out. Every night but this one. Teach him to fly off to Europe just to dig around in the dirt, when such treasures could be found between his wife's legs!
She found Lu's clit with her tongue. It was a hard little button now, and every time she lashed at it, Lu sucked in more air. She massaged it with her tongue, moving in small circles, and slid her fingers inside her slick sheath. In an instant, beautiful Lu was crying out in sweet ecstasy as her pussy vibrated with little spasms.
She kissed her sensitive flesh tenderly. Lu lay motionless under her, except for her chest and soft belly, which were rising and falling with her quick breaths. Renata slithered up her body, kissing her lovingly along the way, until she lay next to her again. "If I didn't love men so much," she told Lu, "I'd make a great lezzy, wouldn't I?"
Lu started to laugh. "You are a woman of many talents, I'm sure!" She rolled to her side and wrapped her arm around her. "I love you, sweetie," Lu said.
Renata's heart swelled a little. "I love you, too."
Lu kissed her lips sweetly. "Now it's my turn," she whispered, and she eased Renata onto her back and slid on top of her.
"Only if you want to," Renata told her.
"Oh, I want to."
Renata smiled and closed her eyes. She focused on the sensations Lu gave her. Her smooth skin. Her mouth on her nipple, sucking and licking. Her fingers caressing, kneading, pinching just right. Quivers between her legs. Anticipating. "That feels good," she whispered.
Lu crawled between her legs, pushed them apart, and she explored her with her hands. She could feel her fingers brushing over her lightly, the caresses teasing her with exquisite anticipation. Then she knelt down. She felt her tongue and wet lips on the inside of her thigh, licking and sucking, and fingers teased her, then slid inside her. She gasped. It felt so good, being touched that way. Fingers glided in and out of her, and then Lu's mouth was on her clit, sucking her. She'd surprised her. Pleasure shot through her like a violent current, and then she was cumming. She cried out as wave after wave crashed over her.
Her orgasm subsided, and Lu kissed her flesh gently. When she crawled back up to join Renata on the pillow, she smiled triumphantly. "Do I get a first time award?" she asked.
"Holy fuck, Lu! You get the biggest fucking trophy they make. How the fuck did you do that?"
"You're not the only one who watches porn, sweetie." She lovingly combed her fingers through Renata's hair.
Renata laughed and slid her arm around her. Lu had come a long way. "When I first met you, you were too embarrassed to even talk about sex."
"I know. I was in a rough spot back then. I wanted to be more like you."
"More like me? Why?"
"A free spirit." She lightly caressed Renata's taut nipple with her fingertips again. "I looked at you," she said, "and I saw a woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. I didn't even know what I wanted."
Touching Lu and being touched by her was so wonderful, it was hard to concentrate. But she remembered Lu back then, and she did know what she wanted. "You wanted Gil. You were just afraid to go get him."
"You gave me the courage to go get him."
"That's because I'm a sucker for love."
"I hope Derek knew how lucky he was to have you. Some people live a whole lifetime without it."
"I don't know if he did, but I did my best to show him." And he sure would have liked to have seen her with Lu. But Lu wasn't for him. No, this night was for her alone, for her and Lu.
"I know you did." Lu scooted in closer to her, wrapped her arm around her, slid her feet between hers. They relaxed in each other's arms, and drifted into a peaceful sleep.
When I wrote the scene, I did try to be sensitive to the potential confusion without sacrificing deep POV (Renata's). I guess this particular reader thinks I failed.
So I'm seeking feedback on this particular issue. Here is a link to the chapter in its entirety:
http://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-save-a-life-ch-06
And here is the specific scene in question (between Renata and Lu), which is on page 3 of that chapter:
"Okay, sweetie. Good night."
"Good night." Renata turned to her side, to face the window, away from Lu. Things will get better. Terry said it. Lu said it. They'd both lost someone dear to them, so they knew what they were talking about, right? In her mind, she knew they were right. If only her heart would follow. Tears began to sting her eyes again.
She tried to be quiet. People were uncomfortable around her when she cried. She didn't want to make Lu uncomfortable.
But she wasn't as quiet as she'd hoped. She felt the mattress shift, the covers move, and then the heat of Lu's body against her back. "It's okay to cry, Ren," she whispered, and she felt her hand stroking her arm.
"I'm sorry. I think people get tired of seeing me cry."
"It's a normal response. I cried for months after my first baby died, and we knew he was going to die before he was even born."
"Sometimes, I don't even know why I cry. Like today, when I first saw you. I was happy to see you. I wasn't thinking any sad thoughts at all. But then you hugged me, and for some reason, a floodgate opened."
"I may know why you cried then. I went through something like that, too, when Michael and I split up. You have a need now that isn't being met. I've heard it called a 'skin hunger.' I think that's the perfect name for it, too."
"I thought it was just loneliness."
"It's a little bit of that, too." She moved her hand to her hair, touching, pushing hair behind her ear, playing with it. "You know how the hospital has volunteers in the NICU who come in just to hold the babies? It helps the babies to thrive. If babies aren't held, they'll die, even if they're cared for in every other way. We don't lose that need when we grow up. Humans need to be touched. We might not die without it, like a baby would, but we fail to thrive. We get depressed. We hunger. It's natural."
Renata lay still, just feeling Lu's fingers in her hair. She imagined she was baby Jack, and Lu was her mother. Lu was probably a great mother. She felt her inch closer to her, and she could feel her body pressing against her back now. "This is nice," she said.
"I like it, too. I've been missing Gil, so I guess I'm a little hungry, too."
"Don't stop."
She felt her press her lips against her hair, her hand stroking her arm, her back, her shoulder. Her breasts pressed against her back. Her pelvis against her backside, her leg sliding against hers.
Renata's heart started to beat a little faster. Lu felt good. Too good. Did she even know what she was doing to her? Renata had once teased her, a long time ago, a lifetime ago, about joining her and Derek, but Lu was still working through her issues. She wasn't ready for something like that.
But Lu had definitely changed since then. She was calm now. Peaceful. Renata could feel her warmth and peace spreading over her with every touch, and she loved it. It was nice. So damn nice. Where the hell was it going? Did she really need to know? Or could she just go with it?
Renata turned to face her, and in the dim light, she could see Lu watching her. She was smiling. Her arm was lifted, waiting for Renata to settle down again. She slid in under it, inviting Lu to embrace her, and she slid her arm around her, her leg over hers.
But she didn't want to assume anything. It was an odd dance, trying to decide which way to turn, whether to dip or to turn, but Lu was patient. "You feel really good," she offered.
"So do you," Lu whispered as she stroked her cheek with her finger.
"Are you sure Gil would be okay with this?"
"He'll understand. I'll make him understand."
Oh, God. Her heart was racing like crazy now. Make him understand what? That in a moment of tenderness, of simple loving consolation, that they wound up naked in bed together? Because that was what she wanted. Her skin hunger, as Lu had so aptly labeled it, was screaming for it.
Slowly, she leaned in close, ready for Lu to withdraw, but she didn't. She pressed her lips against hers tentatively. Lu's lips were soft and receptive. She opened her mouth slightly, licked her lower lip, then gently sucked it into her mouth. She tightened her arm around her, wrapped her leg around her. She felt Lu's hand slide under her shirt, clutching at her bare back, and then inside her panties, caressing her skin, and then pulling her against her. They'd become a desperate tangle of skin and bone and flesh, kissing, clutching, flexing.
They slid each other's shirts off, peeled off their panties. Renata smiled at the site of Lu's full breasts, shaped like perfect teardrops, topped with beautiful, pointed brown nipples. "You have pretty tits," she said.
Lu snickered, embarrassed. "You do, too." She hesitantly placed her hand over Renata's small breast, grazed her thumb across her soft, pink nipple, and smiled when it shrank into a little nub. Then she leaned in and kissed her again, and Renata pulled her against her, loving the feel of her bare skin against her, her breasts against her.
She took a breast into her hand and kneaded it. She imagined Lu nursing her baby with that tit. She knew she did, but not anymore, she'd stopped months ago, and her breast was dry now. She leaned down and gently took her nipple into her mouth. She wanted to be gentle, she didn't know whether breastfeeding had made her more sensitive or not. When she felt Lu's hand against the back of her head, urging her, and thrusting her tits at her, she sucked harder, teasing her hard nub with the tip of her tongue, putting her lips around it, soft, wet.
She lifted her leg up, wedged it between Lu's, and felt her damp cunt against her thigh. She slipped her hand down her back, her finger along the cleft of her ass cheeks, clutching her flesh, pulling her against her.
She felt Lu's hand on her back, pulling at her, too. They clung to each other.
"I have no idea what I'm doing," Lu finally whispered.
"Do you want to stop?" Renata asked.
"No. Do you?"
"No."
"What should I do?"
"Just do what feels good. Just like with Gil. Like this," she said, and she nudged Lu to her back, slid on top of her, and wedged her hips between Lu's legs. She flexed against her, and she could feel her wet cunt against her belly.
She was so wonderful, so trusting, so open.
She slid down her body, kissing and caressing as she went. She found the surgical scar from when she had baby Jack. It was ugly, but beautiful at the same time. Beautiful because it was part of Lu. Renata kissed it. Did Gil kiss it? Probably. He was the reason it was there. He probably kissed it all the time. How could he not?
Then she caressed the small patch of light brown curls covering her mound. Lu was a landing strip girl. It was fun to imagine what secrets other women held under their panties. She'd imagined Lu to be a full bush, but no, she was a well-manicured little landing strip.
For Derek, Renata had maintained a clean palette, but that was not the case now. She hoped Lu didn't mind.
Lu's skin was pale, with golden undertones. She probably tanned easily, the bitch. She was so pretty. Pretty tits. Pretty pussy. She lowered her face between Lu's legs and took in her alluring aroma of soap and sweet, musky sex. Delicately, she kissed her large outer labia with soft, wet lips. She gently sucked her flesh, teasing her. Lu gasped and flexed her hips. She licked her inner labia, the flesh smoother there, more tender. She sucked it between her lips, and Lu moaned as she sucked her, and she tasted her salty sweet cum.
Lu was simply delicious. If Gil was half the man she thought he was, he probably spent every night eating her out. Every night but this one. Teach him to fly off to Europe just to dig around in the dirt, when such treasures could be found between his wife's legs!
She found Lu's clit with her tongue. It was a hard little button now, and every time she lashed at it, Lu sucked in more air. She massaged it with her tongue, moving in small circles, and slid her fingers inside her slick sheath. In an instant, beautiful Lu was crying out in sweet ecstasy as her pussy vibrated with little spasms.
She kissed her sensitive flesh tenderly. Lu lay motionless under her, except for her chest and soft belly, which were rising and falling with her quick breaths. Renata slithered up her body, kissing her lovingly along the way, until she lay next to her again. "If I didn't love men so much," she told Lu, "I'd make a great lezzy, wouldn't I?"
Lu started to laugh. "You are a woman of many talents, I'm sure!" She rolled to her side and wrapped her arm around her. "I love you, sweetie," Lu said.
Renata's heart swelled a little. "I love you, too."
Lu kissed her lips sweetly. "Now it's my turn," she whispered, and she eased Renata onto her back and slid on top of her.
"Only if you want to," Renata told her.
"Oh, I want to."
Renata smiled and closed her eyes. She focused on the sensations Lu gave her. Her smooth skin. Her mouth on her nipple, sucking and licking. Her fingers caressing, kneading, pinching just right. Quivers between her legs. Anticipating. "That feels good," she whispered.
Lu crawled between her legs, pushed them apart, and she explored her with her hands. She could feel her fingers brushing over her lightly, the caresses teasing her with exquisite anticipation. Then she knelt down. She felt her tongue and wet lips on the inside of her thigh, licking and sucking, and fingers teased her, then slid inside her. She gasped. It felt so good, being touched that way. Fingers glided in and out of her, and then Lu's mouth was on her clit, sucking her. She'd surprised her. Pleasure shot through her like a violent current, and then she was cumming. She cried out as wave after wave crashed over her.
Her orgasm subsided, and Lu kissed her flesh gently. When she crawled back up to join Renata on the pillow, she smiled triumphantly. "Do I get a first time award?" she asked.
"Holy fuck, Lu! You get the biggest fucking trophy they make. How the fuck did you do that?"
"You're not the only one who watches porn, sweetie." She lovingly combed her fingers through Renata's hair.
Renata laughed and slid her arm around her. Lu had come a long way. "When I first met you, you were too embarrassed to even talk about sex."
"I know. I was in a rough spot back then. I wanted to be more like you."
"More like me? Why?"
"A free spirit." She lightly caressed Renata's taut nipple with her fingertips again. "I looked at you," she said, "and I saw a woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. I didn't even know what I wanted."
Touching Lu and being touched by her was so wonderful, it was hard to concentrate. But she remembered Lu back then, and she did know what she wanted. "You wanted Gil. You were just afraid to go get him."
"You gave me the courage to go get him."
"That's because I'm a sucker for love."
"I hope Derek knew how lucky he was to have you. Some people live a whole lifetime without it."
"I don't know if he did, but I did my best to show him." And he sure would have liked to have seen her with Lu. But Lu wasn't for him. No, this night was for her alone, for her and Lu.
"I know you did." Lu scooted in closer to her, wrapped her arm around her, slid her feet between hers. They relaxed in each other's arms, and drifted into a peaceful sleep.
