Thank you

[Babyslave]

Hello one and all. I wanted to take a few minutes to sincerely thank everyone for their love and support. Your messages have meant more than you can imagine. I felt the hugs and good thoughts, I truly did.

Being absent from Lit for so long created an ache inside me nearly the size of Texas.

Fear kept me away, and in a way, it's fear that's brought me back. I was afraid knowing that someone I can't be around is also here. So, I hid myself away, and tried to keep all this buried way down deep inside. Fear brought me back since denying the last 6 months ever existed isn't working either. I've not been able to share any of this with anyone, and I really missed being to bounce things off people who wouldn't judge and/or shun me for life. (only half kidding, I think)

For those that are curious, or completely lost..... Here's the last 6 months of my life in a nutshell.

-Found out at the age of forty-something that I'm a submissive.

-Went out and found me a PYL (with my partner's blessing).

-Found myself happier, free-er than I've ever been. Our mutual interests, needs and desires matched perfectly and we fed off each other's lust and wicked imaginations so darned well. And why not? Someone was offering to give me everything I'd ever dared imagine, and some of what I never dared to dream to have. I in turn, offered him everything. Me. Totally his.

-A couple stumbles along the road, but he reassured me we were destined to have this and that every word he spoke was a promise to me.

-On April 25th, a serious situation arose with said PYL that resulted in my having to make a decision and taking action based on that decision. A no brainer, really. I'd make the same choice today. He meant that much to me.

-Said action resulted in aforementioned PYL to drop me like an F-ing hot potato.

-I fell apart and completely lost my mind for a while. Totally lost my mind.

-My partner left me (not for having a PYL, but for losing my PYL) unable to handle the aftermath, and not being able to 'fix' me. NOT his fault at all. He's a darling loving man, and I was a zombie who wasn't able to talk, listen, work, be touched......

-Shortly after that? It was discovered that what was thought on Jan 6th to be a sprained shoulder, and my 'bad knee' acting up due to the horribly cold wet weather, was/is really, in fact cancer. (WTF!)

-To look on the bright side. The cancer stuff totally got my mind off of the PYL thing for a bit. Doctors appointments, test upon test, one appointment after another. Granted, I'd hoped for a diversion from this D/s mess, but I think the powers that be got a little carried away!

If you're still reading? Thanks and sorry for blathering on. I'll try to wind this up and leave you to your regularly scheduled lives.

I know I can't undo anything of the last 6 months. I can only move forward. Right now, there's still a whole lot of confusion in this head of mine. One minute I know exactly what to do, what is right, and the other half I question every single thought I have. Grrrr. Never was indecisive before. Never hesitant. There may come a time when I ask for some thoughts from y'all. If you're up for it, that is.

So. That's that. Before I go? I would like to say a special thank you to two incredibly special people.

Brokensub for being my voice when I couldn't speak. I love you little one, and hope we'll be friends for many years to come. But no, I don't think we're ever going to have sex!

DGE, I thank you for giving me the nudge I needed. To face my fears and find the courage bring myself back to Lit. I'll deal with whatever my being here brings. The caring words, your words, a near stranger, touched me deeply. Thank you.

 

[rekane]

Hey...I don't know you, but damn.

You have had enough drama to fill a few of years, not just 6 months.

Bravo to you for not giving in to fear and staying completely away.

Sending good thoughts.

 

[Babyslave]

Thanks, rekane. I appreciate it.

I won't mention (and please, keep this a secret) that it took three hours and a shot of ice cold Stoli's to give me the guts to hit Post. Gave myself a big pat on the head once I did.

And now? I'm going to bed. I'm wiped out.

 

[rekane]

I love courage via vodka...
Had some of that myself this weekend.

Rest well.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Beautiful you, welcome back!!

I know you don't know me but you have been in my thoughts since I read about your story. Your post here is so moving to me. The cancer plus the rest of the hurdles you have jumped to arrive at this moment standing is remarkable. Please celebrate your accomplishments and strength. Thank you for coming out here to lean, to talk, to vent, whatever you need... Rest if you need it, but don't hide in fear...it doesn't suit you. You deserve to feel loved, safe, and accepted in your world, claim that, demand that... you deserve it. Trust that just like every other moment you walked through to get here, no matter what comes at you, do not fear...you WILL know what to do.

I don't know your situation, and I am not a doctor, but I geek out on all things hollistic healing and would happily help in any way that I can so don't hesitate to poke me if you want to talk or have questions you need to chase answers down for....I love that stuff.

All that said, if hugs were actual blankets I would wrap you up like a burrito an feed you soup until all of this passes. Instead, I send you a virtual hug, and all the love, light, and feel better vibes you can handle. I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you more of whatever it is that you need... even if its just chocolate.

Take good care.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Welcome back!

 

[brokensub]

holy crap. crying buckets here.

(Babyslave just pinged me with an IM to say she posted and is going to bed.)

Girlfriend? i'm so proud of you, you did it!!!! and I'm so happy you're back here where you belong. you'll get through this all of it, and you have to remember the most important thing. you're never alone. ever. got it?
you're strong, and smart, so damn smart. smart enough to know that needing and asking for help doesn't make you any less strong. just more smart.

i'm done with my lecture now but need to say one more thing to you. i know you have no plans on having sex with me, but life is full of surprises. never say never. (yeah, you heard me)

hugs and kisses and i hope you have a dreamless, trouble free sleep. i'll talk to you tomorrow, sweetpea.

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome back.



That's so much to be dealing with. *HUGS*

FF

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

This is just a minor market correction, Babyslave. Investor confidence is growing, and analysts think you're way undervalued. Tip: add Babyslave (BSV) to your portfolio and ride the wave!

 

[Babyslave]

LMAO

Guess I kinda have entered the public sector now, eh?

Thanks everyone for your posts and messages. Tear and laughter, a great mix!

 

[kiwi_submissive]

*hugs* Congratulations on posting, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to have done so.

Here's hoping this part of your journey strengthens old friendships and gains new ones for you.

 

[minx1]

Hi, You dont know me...but I wanted to say you sound like an amazing woman.

Hoping you are on the road to recovery and sending positive vibes in your direction

 

[TarevaChine]

Hi! You don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that positive thoughts are being sent your way. Just posting what you have here shows what strength you have and you will get over the hurdles that life has put in your way. I wish you the best!

 

[Babyslave]

Wow!

Thanks to everyone, and I mean thank you to everyone who has welcomed me back, and to the new faces I'm hearing from. I'm kicking myself for not having the courage to do this sooner. What a boost you have given me.

Right now, at this moment? Though there are tears in my eyes, I feel lighter. Less burdened perhaps? I can't explain it, except that I feel so much better today than I have in many many weeks.

A blanket reply this time, but I'll brush up on my multi quotes and be ready next time.

Wonderful suggestions have come my way. Alcohol, chocolate, writing, exercise, fruits and veggies, excercise, alcohol, sex, and some good rocking tunes.

I'm not much of a drinker, but Stoli's is always in the freezer.
Friends dropped by today with Brownies and Strawberries.
I'm lucky that the local gym is literally next door to my house. Opens at 6 a.m., closes at 10 p.m. (They've seen a lot of me recently.)
Sex isn't even on the board, so as much as I crave a nice healthy orgasm when the urge strikes, I'll pass.
I'm having a lovely chef's salad for dinner.
Not too bad, huh?

And, someone here might be happy to know that my supplier came thru. He stopped by with a zip drive FULL of music. AC/DC as prescribed along with some Zepplin, Metallica, Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction, Linkin Park and Green Day. He must have read your mind!

My thoughts are still pretty scattered, but THIS is what's been missing. Exactly this. My partner's leaving and the cancer is stuff I can and do share with those that are mine; friends and family. The cancer is something that I can tackle. There's a goal, and between now and the goal, I'll know what needs to be done, what will be done, what I need to do. Scary, but straight forward, for the most part.

his leaving has been the worst part in many ways. No one to talk with, only my own thoughts to trust or question. This is what I needed, to be back here. So greatly appreciated.

I'm now 'all in'.

Oh! My name here, babyslave, has really chafed at me. Why? Well, the abbreviation would have to be BS.
Not to mention, I'm 46 years old, NOT a baby, and not the other either. Not to worry. DGE to the rescue. BSV. Much better, don't you think?

Hmm, I have no idea how to sign off. Dinner's on. Talk and see you soon!

BSV

 

[ramrod32784]

Like many poster here tonight we do not know one another,but in one way or another we all have known pain.Its how we deal with it that makes us survivors or casualties.I have had a triple bypass and am now getting over a stroke so keep your positive attitude draw strength from those who have it to give and remember the many who are here for you,Take care.

 

[Babyslave]

RR32784,

I agree, life wouldn't be the same if you didn't experience pain.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you, and sending you out all the positive vibes I've got. We can do this!

 

[satindesire]

It's tough dealing with losing your PYL. It's tough breaking up with a partner. Cancer is tough, and so is coming back to a forum when it's scary.

But you are dealing with all of these things, and more.

I'm proud of you.

 

[Babyslave]

It's tough dealing with losing your PYL. It's tough breaking up with a partner. Cancer is tough, and so is coming back to a forum when it's scary.

But you are dealing with all of these things, and more.

I'm proud of you.

satindesire,

Thank you. Coming back here and posting openly has me a little proud of myself. But it's the people here, the support and friendship and the fun that makes it so much easier, and worthwhile. These last few days have allowed me to realize I'm stronger than I thought. That I'm not as broken as I believed.

I logged on earlier and saw he was here too. I wussed out, left. But my urge to be here outweighed my fear. Here I am. Posting as I wish, writing what I like. I even learned how to insert a pic in a post. Silly, I know. But for me? HUGE.

I wish for you the most wonderful things.

 

[good4u2]

Good luck

Wishing you good luck on your journey....it seems your writing this out for us might be cathartic (I hope it is), and you find help in the great people in here.
And for those who choose not to help...fuck em...
thanks again for being open and good luck

 

[Babyslave]

Wishing you good luck on your journey....it seems your writing this out for us might be cathartic (I hope it is), and you find help in the great people in here.
And for those who choose not to help...fuck em...
thanks again for being open and good luck

Oh, it is cathartic for certain. As well as helpful.
And fun, too. I can't wallow in my pain and suffering all the time.
Baby steps for this babyslave.

Thanks for the kind words!